Ask Me Help Desk - My split is really affecting me...

My split is really affecting me...

I just got separated after a short marriage. I was handling the situation really good throughout the entire separation and was doing OK until a few days ago. Now all of a sudden I can't eat, my stomach is in knots all day, I feel like I want my spouse back (even though for the past several months I thought the divorce needed to happen, and was definitely in favor of it happening), I don't feel like going anywhere, the things I used to look forward to don't matter to me anymore... I'm really having a tough time, any advice would be great.

Hi rockne!

I feel for you! I seriously think that you need to go see a doctor and let him know your symptoms! I'm no doctor but it sounds to me like you have depression! A serious case of it! I had to do the same thing!

He will probably put you on anti-depressants and ask that you see a counselor/therapist! It is scary but it helps! You need to talk about how you are feeling! Also... open up to your friends! They truly do want to help!

Good Luck and keep us posted!

Quote:

Originally Posted by SINGLE4

Hi rockne!

I feel for you! I seriously think that you need to go see a doctor and let him know your symptoms! I'm no doctor but it sounds to me like you have depression! A serious case of it! I had to do the same thing!

He will probably put you on anti-depressants and ask that you see a counselor/therapist! It is scary but it helps! You need to talk about how you are feeling! Also... open up to your friends! They truly do wanna help!

Good Luck and keep us posted!

I've just never been depressed in my life. I've always been an extremely happy and uplifting person. If this keeps up I may consider meeting with a counselor, it's only been happening the past 3 days thought, but it hit me out of nowhere and I didn't see it coming.

You are going through a grieving process. Its only natural.
You have to try keep yourself busy, entertained, find a hobby, join a gym, go out with friends, and do eat too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krs

You are going through a grieving process. Its only natural.
You have to try keep yourself busy, entertained, find a hobby, join a gym, go out with friends, and do eat too.

A big problem is all our friends were mutual (couple) friends. These are people that we never hung out with by ourselves, only as couples. So now none of our friends know which one of us to choose so I essentially lost most my friends.

No don't say that.
Im sure the females will stick with her, and you can go out for a few beers with lads, no?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krs

no dont say that.
Im sure the females will stick with her, and you can go out for a few beers with lads, no?

So far, no. For the past 3 weeks I've only seen one of my/our friends. I think our friends simply don't know how to handle the situation. She hasn't really seen many of her friends either, but she did meet new people where she moved and has been hanging out with them everyday.

Rockne... I need more info - WHY did you split?

For what reasons? How long were you married? WHo Initiated it?(I know, she ddid)

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockne

So far, no. For the past 3 weeks I've only seen one of my/our friends. I think our friends simply don't know how to handle the situation. She hasn't really seen many of her friends either, but she didn't meet new people where she moved and has been hanging out with them everyday.

True some friends don't know how to deal with situations like this one. Start afresh its probably for the best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Rockne....I need more info - WHY did you split?

For what reasons? How long were you married? WHo Initiated it?(I know, she ddid)

Married for about a year. I was actually the person who ititiated it, that's why this is so confusing to me. After we got married I felt like it was a big mistake. I started pushing her away, then we started not getting along. We never agreed on anything and it became very frustrating. She did try to fix our relationship but I didn't put as much into it as I probably could have. We got along great for the 5 years we dated. I don't really know what happened.

Did you go to counseling? If not, I would advise not to go back to her.

See you were uncomfortable married. You can't go back to what you had.

To me this all sounds kind of selfish. You want what you can't have.

WAS there another women involved?? Yes??

I do advise for oyu to go to counseling. It may help in a lot of areas including reconciling.

But you mustremember - you must have hurt the hell out of her. I woul;d n't take you back.

Yeah, I think you're at the point where you're realizing what you lost. In your case, it sounds like she DID LOVE you. Maybe you couldn't do the same. If that is the case, figure out what YOU DID wrong. Go see a shrink, figure out what was missing IN YOU.

After that is done, call her. Be prepared that she's through with you. However, IF YOU DO work on YOUR ISSUES and work them out, SHE MIGHT take you back.

Sounds like she did CARE, which is not always the case. SHOW her you CARE. By addressing your issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Did you go to counseling? If not, I would advise not to go back to her.

See you were uncomfortable married. You can't go back to what you had.

To me this all sounds kind of selfish. You want what you can't have.

WAS ther another women involved????? Yes???

I do advise for oyu to go to counseling. It may help in a lot of areas including reconciling.

But you mustremember - you must have hurt the hell out of her. I woul;d n't take you back.

That's the thing, if I was so unhappy being married then why am I having such difficulties now??

There was NO other woman. We went to 2 different counselors and neither help us at all.

I realize now that I definitely hurt her, but it wasn't intentional. I wasn't rude or mean, I was simply distant for a while which made her feel like I didn't love her, even though I did. She has found new friends and seems to be trying to move on. We still talk every few days though. If I was unhappy being married why would I even want her back? This entire situation makes no sense to me.

How old are you?

Well I am glad you went to counseling - Did you open up I ncounseling?? Talk and really listen??

Quote:

Originally Posted by ilovcali

Yeah, I think you're at the point where you're realizing what you lost. In your case, it sounds like she DID LOVE you. Maybe you couldn't do the same. If that is the case, figure out what YOU DID wrong. Go see a shrink, figure out what was missing IN YOU.

After that is done, call her. Be prepared that she's through with you. However, IF YOU DO work on YOUR ISSUES and work them out, SHE MIGHT take you back.

Sounds like she did CARE, which is not always the case. SHOW her you CARE. by addressing your issues.

She did care. I think what hit me so hard is that I found out the other day she gave her number to some other guy. I don't think either of us should start dating for a while, we just split up. All her friends are telling her she needs to start dating so she can forget about me. Even if I do get counseling and give her a call in a couple months what if she's in a relationship.

Don't get the wrong idea. I was very nice to her in many ways, very respectful, caring, always was there for her when she down, etc... I was simply distant for a while. She needed to have affection and feel loved, that was my problem.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

How old are you?

Well I am glad you went to counseling - Did you open up i ncounseling???? Talk and really listen???

Mid 20's. One counselor didn't let us open up, he kept telling us the problems we were having were normal and all couples have the same problems. We didn't want to hear that. The other was OK, we opened up but nothing was resolved.

Counselors are NOT going to resolve your problems. The only people who can resolve them are yourself and herself. Counselors help you make that first move!

Well, I've talked to her two times in last two days and she was in a good mood and the conversations went great? I'm trying to be extra extra nice because I know I hurt her. My main problem is I miss her so much but I keep asking myself why I was so unhappy being married to her. I definitely don't want to try an win her back over the next several months and then have the same thing happen, I just don't want to hurt her again.

Take things extremely slow, you never know what may happen in the future.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Krs

Take things extremely slow, you never know what may happen in the future.

I'm definitely going to take things slow. I want to give her her space so she can hang out with her new friends and be happy for a while. If I want her back it's going to be a battle because all her new friends are telling her to not talk to me at all.

At the end of the day she will make her own mind up I'm sure :)
Good Luck.

I would just like to say that, a lot of people now a days take the easy way out. Why did you take the easy way out? There is ups and downs. Periods of good times and bad times and as a couple you both needed to work together to work through it and you did not bother. You did it to yourself. I am not judging you just stating the facts. You put yourself through this and now you are going to have to deal with your decisions. So you are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communications open with your ex wife.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

I would just like to say that, a lot of people now a days take the easy way out. Why did you take the easy way out? There is ups and downs. Periods of good times and bad times and as a couple you both needed to work together to work through it and you did not bother. You did it to yourself. I am not judging you just stating the facts. You put yourself through this and now you are going to have to deal with your decisions. So you are doing the right thing by keeping the lines of communications open with your ex wife.

Joe

We were married for a year, went to counselling for 8 months; we definitely didn't give up and take the easy way out.

Yes, you did. You said you initiated the divorce. You are just unhappy. You do not even give any valid reasons for divorce.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Yes, you did. You said you initiated the divorce. You are just unhappy. You do not even give any valid reasons for divorce.

Joe

I see where your coming from, but it's hard to put into words. I was simply extremely unhappy and couldn't figure out why. I was OK when I was with my friends and family?? She was unhappy as well.

I am glad you understand where I am coming from. Marriage is a serious commitement and that means going through everything with your partner all the ups and all the downs and working through things. Maybe it is commitement phobia because you said it did not start until you were married. I am not trying to sound nasty, I am just letting you know the way I see things from my end just reading your story. I hope you appreciate my opinion.

Joe

Often it takes a while for things to really "sink in" after a traumatic loss. Like with the death of a close family member. Sure, a lot of tears may be shed at the funeral, but as I'm sure you know, the real grieving takes place after the funeral and all of the "hub-bub" surrounding it has died down (no pun intended lol.) It sounds like you're experiencing a similar phenomenon. At this point I'd just advise you to "ride out the storm." Know that it'll take a while to get over things but you'll be all the better off once you do. If your physical symptoms seem to persist or worsen you may want to talk with your doctor about a possible temporary regimen of low-dose anti-anxiety medication. Just be very careful, however, as dependence and subsequent "rebound" effects can occur and you don't want to fall into that trap.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockne

We were married for a year, went to counselling for 8 months; we definitely didn't give up and take the easy way out.

My first marriage was exactly like that, and it took me a long time to regain my ability to be in a serious relationship. There were other mitigating factors in it that slowed my recovery but all relationship failure takes an amazing toll on people. Be easy with yourself and let the grieving process happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

My first marriage was exactly like that, and it took me a long time to regain my ability to be in a serious relationship. There were other mitigating factors in it that slowed my recovery but all relationship failure takes an amazing toll on people. Be easy with yourself and let the grieving process happen.

I can't figure out whether what I'm feeling is because I'm grieving, or because I realize what I lost and want it back. I don't know the difference. I speak to her every day or so (don't really see her much) and about half of the time she's positive and the other half she's not. She keeps saying "Your treating me great now but how do I know you won't switch back". I don't have an answer for that.

Until you have some answers for the unhappiness you felt and to whether you'll switch back to, I presume, treating her poorly... you can't really consider yourself a candidate for a reconciliation, frankly. Someone here once said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Remind yourself when you think you are wanting it back that THAT means you want to be unhappy, really. Otherwise you are doing a good job at lying to yourself.

To be sure, you are experiencing grief. I would not make any major decisions for a while, like a year. People are really that fragile afterwards. If you cannot see yourself alone for a year, then that may be part of the problem and that is a whole other topic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Until you have some answers for the unhappiness you felt and to whether you'll switch back to, I presume, treating her poorly... you can't really consider yourself a candidate for a reconciliation, frankly. Someone here once said that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the definition of insanity. Remind yourself when you think you are wanting it back that THAT means you want to be unhappy, really. Otherwise you are doing a good job at lying to yourself.

To be sure, you are experiencing grief. I would not make any major decisions for a while, like a year. People are really that fragile afterwards. If you cannot see yourself alone for a year, then that may be part of the problem and that is a whole other topic.

I definitely don't want to be unhappy anymore.

Tonight she said she has lost a lot of her feelings for me because for several months I was distant and not loving (but still nice, respectful, etc... ); she thought I didn't care about her. I really don't know what I could do to show her that's not true. I've recognized my mistakes and have been treating her like a queen for the past several weeks. It may just be too late, I'm not sure what I could do for her to gain those feelings back.

Quote:

Originally Posted by rockne

I definitely don't want to be unhappy anymore.

Tonight she said she has lost a lot of her feelings for me because for several months I was distant and not loving (but still nice, respectful, ect....); she thought I didn't care about her. I really don't know what I could do to show her that's not true. I've recognized my mistakes and have been treating her like a queen for the past several weeks. It may just be too late, I'm not sure what I could do for her to gain those feelings back.

She has to unlock the door from her side, not you and apparently she isn't. And I am glad to hear you aren't willing to suffer for love, because that IS NOT love requiring that! I am sensing also you two had some boundary issues -- problems identifying who's deal was who's, who did what, etc. and I would bet she is as disconnected from many of her feelings as you obviously are from yours.

Here is the bottom line: Get to know yourself. Get to know what you will and will not do or be involved with. Get to know your true strengths and weakenesses. If you find something you don't like about you, seek to change it. That bears repeating: If you find something you don't like about you, seek to change it. And come to a place where you really like yourself. Without all that well in hand, you are like a candle in the wind and a relationship always tends to be something of a gusty place. Not good!

Leave her be. You are divorced now and rehashing her part is not good while you are still hurt. Later, when you can be more objective about her, would be better. Now is the time to focus on you, to heal and to come to better understand yourself and slowly discover your part in this so you can correct what needs correcting and be better prepared for next time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow

Leave her be. You are divorced now and rehashing her part is not good while you are still hurt. Later, when you can be more objective about her, would be better. Now is the time to focus on you, to heal and to come to better understand yourself and slowly discover your part in this so you can correct what needs correcting and be better prepared for next time.

I really appreciate your input.

By the way, the divorce is technically not final yet... I agree we should leave each other alone for a while, it's just really hard. My worry is one of us may meet someone else. If one of use is in another relationship that lasts more than a few dates it will be very hard to ever reconcile. That would add drama to the issues were already trying to fix.

I've thought about not communicating with her for a long period, but if she doesn't speak to me for weeks at a time I feel she may completely move on emotionally. Then there will be no chance... She always wanted me to give her flowers in the past, I wonder if now is a good time. I just don't want that to make her emotional.

For all you know maybe she has already moved on? I understand what your saying though. You feel if you do nothing at all, then you could lose her for good. You feel that you want to do things that you did not do to try to make up for what you have not showed her. It is up to you personally if you feel it is right to start giving her flowers and other things. At the same time if you start pushing too much and start showing her to the extreme how much you want her back. Could definitely scare her or push her so far away that it could ruin any chanch of reconciling. You know her more then us. It will be a fine line that you need to tread. Do not back away completely but do not start showing up with gifts eighter.

That is my advice.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Do not back away completely but do not start showing up with gifts eighter.

That is my advice.

Joe

Thanks for the advise. She definitely hasn't moved on completely. I saw her a couple days ago and she was in an extremely good mood, very affectionate, etc... She even said she wanted to make dinner for me next week. However, when she doesn't see me for a few days and is hanging out with friends (who knows what there telling her?? ) she seems to get more distant. Then it seems that she is kind of depressed during half of our conversations.

The gifts wouldn't really be for the purpose of getting her back NOW. Simply to show her that I care and that she deserves them.

How do you personally feel? What do you think she is going to think if you start showing up with gifts? Making dinner is good. Talking is important. I do not know what else to say. Except it is your decision on how you proceed with this.

Joe

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

How do you personally feel? What do you think she is going to think if you start showing up with gifts? Making dinner is good. Talking is important. I do not know what else to say. Except it is your decision on how you proceed with this.

Joe

Well, I think she'll really appreciate any gifts I give her. Although, she's very good at having a completely different feeling the next day. I could send her flowers on a Wednesday, and she call and tell me she loved them and really appreciated it; then Thursday she'll act completely different. She can switch her personality more quick than anyone I know. She can literally say she loves you one day and the next day not?? It's frustrating because when you think you did something really good, it could all be forgotten the next day.

Yeah, You answered your own question. So something that you think your doing good, might turn around on you and bite you in the ***.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

Yeah, You answered your own question. So something that you think your doing good, might turn around on you and bite you in the ***.

That's right, BUT. If I don't do anything she will continue to think I don't care. Her many issue is that she thinks I'm a great person, but thinks I didn't show that I cared about her at all, she didn't fell loved. I feel so bad now about this, I never meant to hurt her. She definitely has a point, and I've come to realize my problem, even though it may be too late I really want to show her that I care. I just don't want her emotions to be like a "see saw".

There are plenty of ways to show somebody you care. It does not have to be gifts. Although I guess that helps. Do you know how to cook a fancy meal? Can you write your thoughts on paper well. Small little notes. Or letters are good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

There are plenty of ways to show somebody you care. It does not have to be gifts. Although I guess that helps. Do you know how to cook a fancy meal? Can you write your thoughts on paper well. Small little notes. Or letters are good.

I can't cook at all. I have left her little notes on her car at work, which she really appreciated. She is a person that LOVES gifts though, that's why I was thinking about getting her flowers.