Ask Me Help Desk - Which guy should I be with ? My ex or my husband

Which guy should I be with ? My ex or my husband

Dear All

I really need some advice on a big problem in my life. Ive been with my parner for 9 years and married for 4, a couple of years ago we separated and I met another man who I had a brief relationship with. After that had ended me and my husband decided o get back together and give the marriage another go. It was going well and then my ex has reared his head again.

I don't know why I'm torn tbh, my ex is living with his mum and not the best in terms of realiability, whereas my husband has a good job and we have a very nice life together. The problem is I think I love my husband but am not in love with him.

My ex has come on the scene saying that he made a mistake last time and that he loves me and wants to make it work this time (he don't know I'm back with husband). I do love the ex in a way I don't the husband anyone.

So do I leave my comfortable home life (no kids btw) to run off with a guy who can't be relied on and lives with his mother at the age of 30 or stay with husband who I do love but not passionatly anymore

Please help xx

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

So do i leave my comfortable home life (no kids btw) to run off with a guy who can't be relied on and lives with his mother at the age of 30 or stay with husband who i do love but not passionatly anymore

Please help xx

Is this a trick question? Leave your husband for a loser, or stay with your husband, who loves you, but since you are so focused on your loser ex, you don't love him the same way?

Hmmm... :rolleyes:

Exactly. I do love my husband but not in the way I should, more brother and sister like if you know what I mean.

I love my ex in a passionate way but he isn't the most reliable

Trick question? Trick answer:

Your husband deserves better, but you are too good for the boyfriend living with his mum...

BE SINGLE and have no one.

Its so hard, if I didn't love my husband then I would leave and try with this other guy. Im being selfish I know, I don't want to leave the husband then the other relationship fails. I know I'm being selfish so that doesn't need pointing out.

We can't tell you what to do, you have to decide.

Here's the big question. When you got married did you intend to be with your husband for life, or did you think "well, if I find something better I can always move on then".

Why you are even putting someone else into the picture is beyond me. If you care about your marriage, your husband, then break off all contact with the 30 year old loser.

But hey, that's just my take on things.

Good luck.

I know the right thing to do in my mind, but I love my ex sooo soooo much. I can't stop thinking of him, he has treated me badly in the past but how do you stop and turn your feelings off??

You can't just "turn" your feelings off.. you have control over your actions... so QUIT talking to your freaking ex... for God's sake, you are married. Grow up! If I was your husband I would have kicked your a$$ out the door if I knew about this stuff...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

We can't tell you what to do, you have to decide.

Here's the big question. When you got married did you intend to be with your husband for life, or did you think "well, if I find something better I can always move on then".

Why you are even putting someone else into the picture is beyond me. If you care about your marriage, your husband, then break off all contact with the 30 year old loser.

But hey, that's just my take on things.

Good luck.

Yeah of course I got married for life, doesn't everyone when they marry?? I try to forget this other guy and even went 5 days (I know its not alot) without texting him (nothing has happened between us since I got back with my husband)
How do you get someone out of your head, he says that he loves me and wants us to be together

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

You can't just "turn" your feelings off..you have control over your actions...so QUIT talking to your freaking ex...for God's sake, you are married. Grow up! If I was your husband I would have kicked your a$$ out the door if I knew about this stuff...

I'm only texting the ex, I haven't murdered anyone, I haven't seen him in months

You are still cheating on your husband. Take some responsibility for your own actions. Why do you continue to text the ex? You are emotionally involved with someone... and it isn't your husband!

Well make a pros/cons list, show it to each of them and find out what things they can improve on. When you get one to agree to be your Prince Charming then be with that one...

Ok, seriously. You are being selfish and very foolish. You promised yourself to your husband until death do you part, you owe it to him to be working on that relationship with a pure heart, which you are not. Your husband definitely deserves better then this.

Relationships are never sugar and spice ALL THE TIME. You work on them, not try to find the greener grass. If you can't work on a relationship and just search out escapes, you will NEVER be happy. You will find these same problems in four years with the new beau.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Well make a pros/cons list, show it to each of them and find out what things they can improve on. When you get one to agree to be your Prince Charming then be with that one...

Ok, seriously. You are being selfish and very foolish. You promised yourself to your husband until death do you part, you owe it to him to be working on that relationship with a pure heart, which you are not. Your husband definately deserves better then this.

Relationships are never sugar and spice ALL THE TIME. You work on them, not try to find the greener grass. If you can't work on a relationship and just search out escapes, you will NEVER be happy. You will find these exact same problems in four years with the new beau.

You are so right justwantfair. In my heart I know I should be with my husband 101% emotionally, I've even ordered a new sim so the ex can't text me. Im doing all the right things but my heart is breaking inside for another. If I could turn my feelings off I would do this minute.

I just wanted to say thanks for all your help and advice xx

Before you leave, I will need your billing address... ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

Before you leave, I will need your billing address... ;)

Lol :eek::eek::eek:

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

you are so right justwantfair. In my heart i know i should be with my husband 101% emotionally, ive even ordered a new sim so the ex can't text me. Im doing all the right things but my heart is breaking inside for another. If i could turn my feelings off i would do this minute.

This is the same as any break up, you go to NC and you will hurt, but you have to do this for yourself and your husband.

Good luck to you.

The ex told my friend last week that he loves me as a mate and nothing more, then a few days later told her that when he said that comment that his head was mixed up and he didn't mean it.

That he loved me and wanted to be with me again, that he was an idiot when he made those comments and was sorry. The problem is that I'm scared that he will always be saying he loves me then changing his mind the week after

My dilemma is do I stay in my marriage and try and make it work (all I ever seem to do is try and make it work, other peoples marriages seem to run automatically without any help), I'm sure that isn't the case but it seems like that from my perspective.

Or do I break free and be with a man who I am worried that he is going to turn around and say I've changed my mind and I don't love you today, he has a tendency of runnning away when things get tough (and I know that's what you think I'm doing, it isn't that's its tough but stale!! )

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

the ex told my friend last week that he loves me as a mate and nothing more, then a few days later told her that when he said that comment that his head was mixed up and he didnt mean it.

That he loved me and wanted to be with me again, that he was an idiot when he made those comments and was sorry. The problem is that im scared that he will always be saying he loves me then changing his mind the week after

It doesn't matter what he says, move on. You are wasting your time thinking and analyzing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

the ex told my friend last week that he loves me as a mate and nothing more, then a few days later told her that when he said that comment that his head was mixed up and he didnt mean it.

That he loved me and wanted to be with me again, that he was an idiot when he made those comments and was sorry. The problem is that im scared that he will always be saying he loves me then changing his mind the week after

Why do you care what he says? He's not your husband.

You're putting too much effort into thinking and dreaming about this loser, put that energy and passion into your marriage, where it belongs.

No contact with this guy. No texting, phone calls, emails. If your "friends" want to tell you stuff about him, tell them you aren't interested in hearing it.

Your husband deserves more than this. Work on your marriage, do everything in your power to sustain that relationship.

As long as you are thinking about the ex, you won't commit fully to your husband. You say you can't control your feelings, true, but you can control your actions. There's no such thing as an "accidental" affair. Whatever you do from here on out is all on you, no one else.

If you cannot be faithful to your husband then you owe it to him to let him know, let him go, get a divorce and then you can be with whomever you want, good or bad.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

my dilemma is do i stay in my marriage and try and make it work (all i ever seem to do is try and make it work, other peoples marriages seem to run automatically without any help), i m sure that isnt the case but it seems like that from my perspective.

Or do i break free and be with a man who i am worried that he is going to turn around and say ive changed my mind and i dont love you today, he has a tendancy of runnning away when things get tough (and i know thats what you think im doing, it aint thats its tough but stale !!!)

Ok, this wasn't difficult and we already made it past this question, why are you asking it again?

So I'm taking it that I need to ditch the ex and be unhappy in my marriage until we can sort our problems out?

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

so im taking it that i need to ditch the ex and be unhappy in my marriage until we can sort our problems out?

Ding, ding, ding!

But only you are making yourself unhappy, you need to focus on your marriage. Believe me whether you see it or not, everyone works on their marriage all the time. This isn't the happily ever after fairytale your mother told you growing up, this is real life. Harsh at times. You just keep growing and learning in life and marriage.

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

so im taking it that i need to ditch the ex and be unhappy in my marriage until we can sort our problems out?

Just one more question, how do I stop thinking of m ex, he is the 1st thing I think about when I get up and the last thing I think about at night, how do you block this from your brain :confused::confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Well make a pros/cons list, show it to each of them and find out what things they can improve on. When you get one to agree to be your Prince Charming then be with that one...

Ok, seriously. You are being selfish and very foolish. You promised yourself to your husband until death do you part, you owe it to him to be working on that relationship with a pure heart, which you are not. Your husband definately deserves better then this.

Relationships are never sugar and spice ALL THE TIME. You work on them, not try to find the greener grass. If you can't work on a relationship and just search out escapes, you will NEVER be happy. You will find these exact same problems in four years with the new beau.

My advice is if the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, why don't you try to improve your own grass.

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

just one more question, how do i stop thinking of m ex, he is the 1st thing i think about when i get up and the last thing i think about at night, how do you block this from your brain :confused::confused:

Start focusing on something else. Start trying to find new ways that you can surprise your husband, do some research into rekindling that fire or make a special date night to surprise him that is all about the two of you.

Your ex will cross your mind but you stop contact and spend that extra energy working on your marriage. Stop emotionally abandoning your husband, for some loser who won't live his mum, start that passion with your husband. Stop letting your ex distract you from your goal. A fresh start with your husband.

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

so im taking it that i need to ditch the ex and be unhappy in my marriage until we can sort our problems out?

Did you think that we'd tell you to have an affair? Did you think we'd tell you to dump your husband and go for the ex?

What exactly were you expecting us to say to you?

This isn't that big of a dilema. You either stay married, put your heart and soul (which you promised) into your marriage, do everything in your power to make it work, or you say "screw it" take the supposedly easy road, get together with the loser ex and call it a day.

If you want our advice, then yes, you need to ditch the ex, because as long as he's in the picture your marriage doesn't have a snow balls chance in hell of surviving.

Being unhappy in your marriage is your choice right now. If you actually worked on your marriage you might realize that it's not your husband that you're unhappy with, but the fact that you want another man.

The biggest problem in your marriage right now is you. Until you realize that, you won't find happiness, not in your marriage and not with loser boy.

I have to ask, how old are you? How old were you when you got married?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Altenweg

The biggest problem in your marriage right now is you.

Had to spread the rep, but this is spot on!

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

so im taking it that i need to ditch the ex and be unhappy in my marriage until we can sort our problems out?

You don't have to be unhappy in your marriage. You could try working on it. It doesn't sound like you've even thought of that. A marriage is a commitment. You should commit to making it work. And forget about your ex. Your contact with him is probably what's making you unhappy in your current marriage

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Start focusing on something else. Start trying to find new ways that you can surprise your husband, do some research into rekindling that fire or make a special date night to surprise him that is all about the two of you.

Your ex will cross your mind but you stop contact and spend that extra energy working on your marriage. Stop emotionally abandoning your husband, for some loser who won't live his mum, start that passion with your husband. Stop letting your ex distract you from your goal. A fresh start with your husband.

Thanks justwantfair, like I keep saying I know in my mind that sticking with my marriage is the best thing to do. I just look at my husband and don't feel anything though?? I do love him but not the sexual chemistry I do when I saw my ex, I feel that I have the love life of a 100 year old and I'm only 30. :eek::eek::eek:
The cons for the ex

He still lives at home at age 30, is that a con??
He can't be trusted
He tells lies
I wouldn't feel that I could rely on him
He isn't got much money - so a house would be a long way off

The pros.

I LOVE HIM DEEPLY AND can't GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD

:confused::confused::confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

thanks justwantfair, like i keep saying i know in my mind that sticking with my marriage is the best thing to do. I just look at my husband and dont feel anything though??? i do love him but not the sexual chemistry i do when i saw my ex, i feel that i have the love life of a 100 year old and im only 30. :eek::eek::eek:
the cons for the ex

He still lives at home at age 30, is that a con????
He can't be trusted
He tells lies
I wouldnt feel that i could rely on him
He aint got much money - so a house would be a long way off

The pros.

I LOVE HIM DEEPLY AND can't GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD

:confused::confused::confused:

I have a feeling we will tell you the right thing to do until we are BLUE in the face, you are not listening.

In the end it is you life, your choice.

You have stopped feeling attracted to your husband because you are too distracted with your ex!

Quote:

Altenweg;1571490]Did you think that we'd tell you to have an affair? Did you think we'd tell you to dump your husband and go for the ex?. I have to ask, how old are you? How old were you when you got married?

Im 30, we got married when I was 27. We were together and engaged for 6 years before we wed, so didn't rush into marriage lightly

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

Im 30, we got married when i was 27. We were together and engaged for 6 years before we wed, so didnt rush into marriage lightly

You didn't rush in lightly, but you will rush out of marriage lightly...

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

You didn't rush in lightly, but you will rush out of marriage lightly....

Believe me, no one has worked harder on there marriage over the last years than me, we have been throgh thick and thin and got through it, but I feel that this maybe the final straw.

Im fed up of fighting to make it work, surely there must be a small part that has to come naturally??

I can't wait for the husband to get a wiff of what is going on and he gets to make the decision for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

beleive me, no one has worked harder on there marriage over the last years than me, we have been throgh thick and thin and got through it, but i feel that this maybe the final straw.

Im fed up of fighting to make it work, surley there must be a small part that has to come naturally ???????

You came here for approval, but you aren't going to find it from me or most of us.

Good luck to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Some1HelpPlz

I can't wait for the husband to get a wiff of what is going on and he gets to make the decision for her.

I came here for help and advice not to be attacked or judged thank you. :mad::mad::mad:

I have decided that the numbers going and I'm going to be a good wife and tr and make things work, I knew this was the right thing to do from the start I suppose I just needed a bit off a kick up the a@se to help me along the way.

Thanks for all your help and advice xx

Quote:

Originally Posted by imstruggling

I have decided that the numbers going and im going to be a good wife and tr and make things work, i knew this was the right thing to do from the start i suppose i just needed a bit off a kick up the a@se to help me along the way.

Thanks for all your help and advice xx

Good luck to you, I know you feel torn, but it REALLY is because you are letting yourself be distracted because you have lost that loving feeling. All it takes is some romance and thought on your part and you CAN work your relationship back into shape.