Ask Me Help Desk - Should I tell my husband of my one night stand

Should I tell my husband of my one night stand

Hi All

Im wondering if you could give me some advice, I made a huge mistake 5 months ago and whilst away on business with work I drunkenly slept with one of my colleagues. I have regretted it the moment that it ended, it was a 45 minute thing of madness on my part.

I love my hubby very much and I'm in a dilemma of whether to tell him, he loves me so so much and we are making plans to go and live abroad soon. I have to live with the guilt every minute of every day, I know it will kill him if it tell him. I just want to forget it ever happened and move on with my life with my hubby.

Im not working at the same place anymore so don't see the guy anymore

What do I do, please help me

Finally, someone I believe who feels remorse and isn't blaming anyone else but yourself for your actions. I say tell him, he has a right to know about the infidelity, and then he makes the choice. That's all you can do

I take a very different stance on this. I believe you truly feel remorse, as Rome said, but I also believe it serves NO purpose to tell him. This is YOUR mistake, and for YOU to live with. It would lead to only heartbreak for him in the long run, and he just doesn't deserve that. What he does deserve is a wife who will NOW be FOREVER faithful to her husband... can you handle that?

I have never told anyone this, but here it goes. Awhile back my Mom told me she had an affair (one night stand) with another man, while married to my dad. This was when I was maybe 3 or 4 years old. She, to this day, has always felt remorse about it. When she explained to me why she NEVER told my father, I understood, and I didn't get mad. It is so easy to rush to say, "Tell him/her." In the end, it isn't always worth it. This year they celebrate their 27th year of marriage together, which now days is a freaking miracle.

Mistakes happen, and I think it is up to you to decide what to do, but I KNOW, that if my mom would have told my dad, they wouldn't be married to this day... and to me, that just ain't worth it. Maybe I am wrong... good luck.

While I see your point KC, I would still want to know. To have the power to walk away or stick it out, because he is true to the relationship and she was not. I believe it should be his choice, the decision is up to her, but I would want to know.

I believe my situation may have been different, as a child (me) was involved. That issue complicates things a bit. I am not sure a child is involved here, so I think it makes a bit more sense to do what you said...

Yea, children ALWAYS complicate the relationship. It makes it a lot harder to walk away because you worry about the well-being of the child(ren)

This is a tough one. I see arguments for both telling him and not telling him. I hope you've been tested for any STDs and the like - if you haven't already that might be something you should really consider doing.

People make mistakes all the time and while "being drunk" doesn't condone your actions, I am glad to see that you are trying to take responsibility for them. Part of being responsible individual is owning up to what you've done wrong. Does your husband have a right to know? I personally believe so. But, you should tell him not because you want to assuage your guilt... you should want to tell him because he has the right to know.

Its important to keep in mind that your scenario is going to be unique. None of us here know all the details so we can only give advice and guidance based on what you've provided. I'd really have a tough time myself trying to make this decision. There are so many other factors that I'd be thinking about.. kids.. health issues.. etc.

In my opinion, you should let him know because he deserves to know, and be prepared for the consequences.. but also you need learn to forgive yourself and make every effort to make sure you do not put yourself in the position to make the same mistake again.

It is a tough one, and as a man, I would want to know. It would kill me, as I tend to dwell on these things.

You have crossed a line that sadly will destroy part of relationship with you husband, but if you don't tell him, you will have to deal with the guilt.

I would tell him, and I will bet when you do, he will say that he knew something was up.

If you are honest about this now, you have the opportunity to move forward, work together and 'start again' with your husband.

There is no right or wrong, but consider this: you can never be accused of hiding anything, or having don ethe wrong thing, if you come clean and tell him. It is going to hurt but that is the route I would go. For my own sanity, and that of my partner.

This is a tough one.

You're probably better off not telling him but that's only if you can actually deal with what you've done and set it aside. If you can't shake the guilt, you'll be carrying this burden forever.

Walking away from the guilt that you feel will probably never happen, in fact, it ended my marriage. I was forgiven and I let him know everything, but in the end I could NEVER look at him the same again. You are in a very difficult position, you will never feel whole unless you can forgive yourself and that is a difficult thing to do, even if your partner forgives you.

If the affair was a one time event, I have to agree with kc, all the truth will do is cause your heartache to your partner. Even if he forgives he won't forget and if he is like my partner, he won't let you forget even after you are forgiven. Affairs are extremely damaging to a marriage no matter what the circumstances are. You have to make your own choice because only you know how your partner might react.

Thanks for the replies, if I told him it would kill him, I'm not saying that to try and put my guilt onto him. One of the reasons I haven't told him is that he is a good man and I'm so lucky to have him, I've made a silly 45 minute mistake and don't want to lose my brilliant husband because of it.
I love him so much and would do anything in the whole world to make it up to him, believe me you couldn't find a more guilt ridden person around

You need to forgive yourself and work on your marriage. Please don't put yourself in anymore situations like this. This should be a really good reason to NEVER drink without your husband present.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Romefalls19

You need to forgive yourself and work on your marriage. Please don't put yourself in anymore situations like this. This should be a really good reason to NEVER drink without your husband present.

Let's expand on this... if you can't drink without your husband around, then you need to re-evaluate your behavior, period. Alocohol is merely an excuse, and nothing more. If you don't have the self control to be able to go out, get drunk, and control your legs, then you have bigger issues.

Carry on... :cool:

Believe me I have learnt a valuable lesson, I love my husband so much and looking back I don't understand how I could have done that to him.
I just want to erase the past and get on with our new life in the sun.
Im trying to forgive myself, as if I'm eating myself up everyday with guilt then I'm not going to be able to work on my marriage?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

Let's expand on this...if you can't drink without your husband around, then you need to re-evaluate your behavior, period. Alocohol is merely an excuse, and nothing more. If you don't have the self control to be able to go out, get drunk, and control your legs, then you have bigger issues.

Carry on...:cool:

As for the controlling my legs statement, I never ever go out without my husband. I never ever get drunk as to be honest I really don't like alcohol that much. Believe me I have learnt my lesson big time and will NEVER EVER do this again. I know that I have some self asteem issues that I need to address.
All I want to do is forget the past and focus on the future and our marriage

I am just trying to think if this was me would I want my wife to tell me. I think it would destroy me for a long time. Knowing me and my Sicilian temper I would NEVER forgive her and probably never talk to her again. I say probably because I love my wife so much I can not fathom never talking to her again she is my best friend even before we dated she was my best friend.

So I guess I wouldn't want to know they say Ignorance is bliss. But if I found out years later I maybe even madder because I would feel like I was played for a fool for so long. You have tough decision to make. How do you think he will react?

Even if you don't tell him he might find out later because even though you feel remorseful the wrong was done and things have it way of creeping into the light. I know it might hurt him but it will hurt him more if he hears it from someone else.

Think of it this way, if he cheated on you wouldn't you want to know?

Forgiving yourself is the first, only, hardest step. You made a mistake, we all do, but you have learned a Valuable lesson for yours, just make sure that you always remember it.

I really don't understand how "open" relationship could ever work out.

Good luck to you.

Would I want to know if he did it to me ? NO.

If he found out he would be gutted, he tells me every day how much he loves me and can't wait for us to build a new life in the sun, and that's what I want more than ANYTHING IN THE WORLD.

I love my husband more than life and have learned a valuable lesson and would NEVER do this again, I would never put myself in the situation

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Even if you don't tell him he might find out later because even though you feel remorseful the wrong was done and things have it way of creeping into the light. I know it might hurt him but it will hurt him more if he hears it from someone else.

Think of it this way, if he cheated on you wouldn't you want to know?

NO! Why would I want to know this... I mean, if it was a one time, STUPID mistake, I would just prefer to never know. Mistakes happen, and there sometimes isn't a point in breaking another person's heart due to YOUR ignorance. I can understand if this was a carried out, longer affair, but it isn't...

He says I'm the most valuable thing he has and he loves me so much so it would kill him to know, I don't want to hurt him and that's why I haven't said anything yet.
I know that I need to forgive myself first and then it will be so much easier to move on with my husband, sorry to ramble on I'm just trying to speak from the heart

I say don't tell him. You don't see the guy anymore you planning on moving away, just try to let it go.

No I don't see the guy anymore and were planning a move abroad soon, I just can't believe what an idiot I've been. You read about people doing this and never think you will be one of them.
Im not trying to ease my guilt but alcohol was the reason this happened, as I don't drink much when I did I had far too much. Now I don't drink apart from at home with hubby having the odd glass of wine.
I can't tell you how much I'm sorry from the heart - I don't want my hubby to suffer because of my bad choice one night

Quote:

Originally Posted by imtryingsohard

no i dont see the guy anymore and were planning a move abroad soon, i just can't believe what an idiot ive been. You read about people doing this and never think you will be one of them.
Im not trying to ease my guilt but alchol was the reason this happened, as i dont drink much when i did i had far too much. Now i dont drink apart from at home with hubby having the odd glass of wine.
I can't tell you how much im sorry from the heart - i dont want my hubby to suffer because of my bad choice one night

We get that you are sorry... guess what... NONE OF US MATTER. Time to be a good wife, and leave this immature behavior behind you. Get busy! We all make mistakes, so don't die of shame! Life goes on, and you are in the driver seat, so hit the road..

Good luck!

So you think I should just forget about this silly mistake and get on with my marriage

YES!! It also wasn't a SILLY mistake, it was a monumental, epic, retardedly BAD screw up... but that matters no more. Get to work and give your husband what he deserves... true happiness!

P.S. If you just write this off as a "silly" mistake, I am going to lose it on you...

Yeah it was a MASSIVE MISTAKE, and I'm living with the concequences each and everyday of my life, my friend said that if I don't forgive myself and stop beating myself up about it, then I'm not going to be able to move on and mend the marriage.

Im sitting here writing this in tears, that's how gutted I am for what I've done

You have to stop the self pity.

You came here for advice, you have gotten it, first step, everyone makes mistakes, it makes us the people that we are today, you are taking away a lesson that you need to learn, but you have to let it go. No good will come of dwelling on it and hating yourself.

Second step, continue the first step until you heal.

I'm not crying out of pity for me but for the awful thing I've done. I appreciate your help and advice

This is to big of a decision to be made of guilt, shame, or even fear! Your first thing is to dig deep, and forgive yourself. Until then how can you even consider what the consequences of your actions are, and how you will cope with them.

One thing for sure, it's a wake up call to some bad behavior, and a hard lesson learned.

Forgive yourself, and heal, before you decide what to do.

I'm really swaying on the idea of not to tell him and forgive myself for the horrible thing I've done. Not because I may lost him (which would be awful) but it would hurt him so so much, and why put him through that when I can decide on the other path. This way he don't get hurt and our 9 year relationship is saved??

Quote:

Originally Posted by imtryingsohard

my friend said that if i dont forgive myself and stop beating myself up about it, then im not going to be able to move on and mend the marriage.

If you don't want your husband to find out, don't tell any more friends.

How many people have you told?

If you are telling him to assuage your guilt than I would not do it.

Your guilt is not going to magically disappear if you spill the beans but your husband just might.

Quote:

Originally Posted by asking

If you don't want your husband to find out, don't tell any more friends.

How many people have you told?

I've only told my best friend and she won't tell him, its not something I'm proud of and just needed someone to talk too

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

If you are telling him to assuage your guilt than I would not do it.

Your guilt is not going to magically disappear if you spill the beans but your husband just might.

I'm trying to think of the advantages of telling him? I know that if I tell him that it won't heal my guilt, that's something I've got to do on my own, I've learnt that from the advice on here

Quote:

Originally Posted by imtryingsohard

im trying to think of the advantages of telling him? i know that if i tell him that it wont heal my guilt, thats something ive got to do on my own, ive learnt that from the advice on here

If you did this because there is trouble in the marriage and you are having conflict,maybe then it would be advisable to tell as then you could open up a dialogue about the reasons for cheating and your issues,etc, That does not apply here.

You screwed up and you would break his heart and may very well destroy your marriage.
If you need to confess,go to confession.

I abhor lying and deceit but I don't think this innocent man should be crushed and your marriage possibly destroyed for a stupid mistake.

Stop beating yourself up! Your human.

There isn't anything really wrong in my marriage, I say really wrong as I meant that it was going a bit stale after 9 years, but this has given me the bolt up the to sit up and realise that if we try hard enough we can make it work.
This has made me realise that you need to work on a marriage as I won't work on its own. I just thought that you got married and that was it, I've learned a lot from this HUGH MISTAKE

Quote:

Originally Posted by imtryingsohard

there isnt anything really wrong in my mariage, i say really wrong as i meant that it was going a bit stale after 9 years, but this has given me the bolt up the to sit up and realise that if we try hard enough we can make it work.
This has made me realise that you need to work on a marriage as i wont work on its own. I just thought that you got married and that was it, ive learned a lot from this HUGH MISTAKE

Marriage takes a lot of work.I am always surprised when young innocent kids who are so in love come here and think that the only ingredient for happiness in their relationship it love.

Love is the easy part,that comes naturally ,the rest takes work and a commitment that changes over time and oh so many other issues.Its enough to boggle the mind. :eek:

Lesson learned.. move on and see it as the wake up call that it was.

Good luck!

We were together for 6 years before we wed, I just assumed it would be the same, I don't know if its just me or you have to work harder when your married??

I will do anything I can now to make this work, its all my fault and I accept that 110%, the hard part is trying to forgive myself

You work harder when you are married... the longer the time together the better you know each other and the more routine your life can become.

You work for fresh and new, but you have to work for it all the time. Once it becomes routine and your relationship is subconscience, that is when you are most vulnerable to being taken and taking things for granted.

We get that you understand and accept responsibility, but you are dwelling TOO hard on it. It's been five months, you surely have made some progress I would hope, you can not let this consume you because it will damage you and your marriage.