I have been married for 3 1/2 years. My husband threw me a 40th birthday bash at our acreage. Approximately 50 - 70 people where there. My husband thought I was flirting with 2 male ex-coworkers, both whom I had worked with for 4 years. Both of the men are married and one of their wives were attending the party. I admit I was flirting, but it was in a joking way that all of us have in the past. There were two pictures taken that my husband did not like. One was one friend was in a lawn chair and I sat on his lap and took a picture. The other I was standing next to the other friend and as the picture was taken he picked me up (like a groom carrying his bride over the threshold). Also in that picture the guys wife was in the background watching. Well needless to say he was pissed. I apologized and told him I could understand why he could be mad, but told him nothing was going on. A few days later, he was going through my purse and found some pictures from a couple months earlier of some friends that went out for a going away party, well the guy that I sat on his lap was in one of the pictures and my husband came completely unglued. I cannot go on about how mad he was, he packed a bag, wanted to go over the this guys house and tell his wife that we were messing around. He kept me up all night that night yelling, I called my mom over to help calm him down. He stripped my clothes off me in our kitchen looking for marks from this guy that he would have left while we were messing around. So on and so forth. This happened on July 8 and it is now August 15. He still goes though my purse, goes through my cell phone, he tells me I cannot go out without him, he doesn't want me going out with any of my single friends. I gave him a kiss this morning and he made a comment about getting my lipstick on him and not my boyfriend. He keeps telling me he doesn't want to lose me, but I don't know what more to do. I HAVE NOT had an affair. All I do is work, come home and take care of his 18 year old son, and my 9 year old son in the evenings. He is not home in the evenings because he goes to work at Noon and gets off around 11:00 p.m. I work 8 - 5. He thinks I am messing around in the evening. I don't want our marriage over, but I am SO tired of being accused of something I have not done.

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. It seems like your marriage is definitely on thin ice, but I think with plenty of effort things can work out.

The problem is that he does not trust you anymore, and in any relationship trust is very important. Now, I'm not saying he has a good reason for not trusting you, I personally think he overreacted, but the issue is trust. The only option is to rebuild this trust. Is that possible? Yes. Will it be easy? No.

I suggest that you sit down and talk to him and lay it all out, especially the current situation. Tell him, again, that you have been faithful and more importantly tell him how much you love him and that you don't want things to fall apart. Let him know that you want him to trust you again and that you want things to return to normal. Also tell him that he is not being fair to you by being so mistrusting. Finally, let him know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to fix things BUT he has to also be just as willing.

Make sure you have this talk during a time when niether of you are in a hurry to go to work, because it will be a long talk. Moreover, he will more then likely yell at times, but you will need to stay calm that way it doesn't end up being a shouting match.

If this fails then I strongly suggest you two get marriage counseling. If he is against it, then you will need to go by yourself. Remind him that you want this to work, and if he changes his mind here is the name, number, and location of the counselor. Really, if talking to him doesn't work then a counselor is the only other option. Good luck and keep us up-to-date!

Thank you for your help. I am soooooo lost. I don't know what to do. I have talked to my mom and friends, and they all say I have put up with it for far too long. I just want to give this my best effort. But there are days, I just want to cry. I am normally a very strong individual, but I feel like I am getting broken down.

A month of this is definitely a long time. But I personally don't think you need to end it right away... UNLESS... he has been physically abusive, if this is the case then other measures have to be taken.

To me it sounds like before this incident your marriage was going really well. Am I right in assuming this? If so then as I said earlier, I think the problem can be resolved, it will just take some work. You really need to have a heart-to-heart talk with him. Put a few hours aside and let your feelings out to him. If communicating with him doesn't work then please go see a marriage counselor. It really is your only other option when it comes to fixing this problem.

Our marriage was going fine, there were ups and downs (like any marriage), but do you think he had these thoughts before or why would he have blown up so bad? I have given him no reason to mistrust me in the past. I used to be able to go do things with my friends, and now I cannot not do anything. Is this right? I have delt with it to try and understand his side, but I would like to do things.

He completely over-reacted, he had no right to do that.

I can understand having a jealous streak. I myself have one, and its got me into a few fights with boyfriends in the past. But acting like that over sitting on someone's lap, or being picked up by another man... it's uncalled for.

You should'nt have to put with that. I suggest you two get some time on your own, and go for a walk or something, and talk it all out.
Tell him that if you flirted, it was accidental and harmless... tell him that you realise that it hurts him, therefore you won't flirt anymore - but make it clear that the way he acted was totally unacceptable, and it won't be tolerated again.

Try and keep your cool through the chat too.
Best of luck.

Thank you. There are times I feel like it is all me. It is nice to feel like maybe I am OK. Thank you again.

No its definitely not right what he did or is doing. You are not some child that has to confined to the house. That's why you need to talk to him and let him know how you feel. Communication is essential.

Also, I'm not sure if he had these feelings before, it's hard to say. It's possible, but it could also be the chain of events that began at the party that set him off. Not sure... maybe a little of both.

Yet, either way, his behavior has gone too far and you need to talk to him to sort things out. Again, if that doesn't work see a counselor.

I don't think its about flirting since two reasonable people can sit down and hash out where the line is as it differs for each couple. I don't mean to alarm you but this is something that can be the indication of more serious stuff to come. Its all about control and oddly enough, if you give into it, it feeds the need for more control. Better to overreact to this now than take a wait and see attitude since, if it is the tip of the iceberg, what follows is domestic violence. Please seek professional help as soon as possible before he escalates into more extreme behaviour. For your sake as well as his.

I be pissed too... that's a little over the top. Flirting is one thing. That was out of hand. I wouldn't want my wife being picked up by some dude she worked with.

I had a girlfriend who flirted too much and thought it was OK... dumped her. Yu don't respect him either.

YOU need to change your act... BUT, also need to sit dow nfor a long time and LISTEN TO HIM!!

I would leave this guy immediately.

Why?

Based on what you said….

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Originally Posted by BIM

He kept me up all night that night yelling,

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Quote:

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Originally Posted by BIM

He stripped my clothes off of me in our kitchen looking for marks from this guy that he would have left while we were messing around.

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He stripped off your clothes? They way I have interpreted this is that this is abuse.

If he can go that ballistic, it is time to move on.

Plus the constant controlling of you and the constant remarks about a “bf”. If he is that big of a baby as well, you are better off without him.

Thank you for your comment. I feel inside this should be done, but I hate starting over again. I am divorced once, I feel like a failure doing it again. I know that sounds weak, and I am normally a strong person, but like I said earlier I am feeling weak, like I am giving in.

You are innocent of any wrong doing, And any abuse you take is up to you. Even though you are 40 you've only been married for 3 and a half years. Take heed stop the abuse and being made to feel guilty now or it will escalate with time. He needs help and either he gets it or somebody has got to go!! Ain't that much love in the world.

No - I don't agree with the way the husabnd reacted at all. He's a louse too.

But this lady was way out of line - I am sorry - quit defending her.

She workeed with these guys for 4 years... then she's carrying on like that? That was more than flirting.

I bet $1 million she is NOT telling the entire story either.

Can we please have the full story?

I strongly feel she is not telling the full truth. I bet there is more to this. I just do.

Have you stopped to really think this through, it doesn't make sense that his over reaction came from this one event. Is it possible he has seen or heard of things that you have said or done in the past that all add up? I'm not accusing you of being unfaithful at all, I'm simply asking whether it is typical of you to sit on a man's lap who is not your husband? Although you thought it was and meant no harm, obviously, your husband felt differently, and he was threatened by it, as you would be too if the situation were reversed. Some gal you don't know, but apparently your husband knows well enough to invite her to sit on her lap on his birthday at his party... does that change the perspective a little.

He seems to be over emersed with feelings of insecurity and jealousy and you can't make him change that, but you can show him with your actions, not just words, that you are committed to him, your marriage, and that you will behave more appropriately, like a married woman. There is nothing wrong with having male friends when you're married, as long as they are friends of the both of you, and not just yours. My best friend is a single man and he is at my house a lot. However, I've known him for over 20 years, he was present at the birth of all of my children, is good friends with my husband (they are like brothers) and he is an uncle to my children (although not related), and his friend is over here often with or without him. He's not a threat to my husband or marriage in any way or form. Even with him, I draw lines, because I am married.

I agree with Wildcat. Flirting is one thing, but this was a little too touchy feely and if there was any alcohol involved, well that may have just made it worse.

Sit down with him and tell him you're sorry and that you don't want him to ever perceive you that way because your marriage comes first. I'm sure you are a good woman and he will see that in time, just be patient. However, having said that, don't allow it to become abusive, there's no justification for that.

That is the whole story-point blank. What I think is ironic, is my husband invited these two men - I didn't. If he felt there was suppose to be something between me and these men, why did he invite them. This was a surprise party for me, for my 40th. What is also funny is, the guy that picked me up, my husband new before him and I met. I agree that I went too far with flirting and I apologized for doing so, over and over again. I have tried to give my husband a feeling of security, but it is to no avail.

I doubt. There is more too this I am sure. I can just tell - if there wasn't more too this then you would not be here.

Did you date either of these guys??

Have you ever cheated on anyone in your life?? I bet you have. Sorry. I just know.

Sometimes people come here for reassurances that they are right - things like trying to find out it's OK to cheat - it's never OK.

You're husband would not have these insecurities otherwise.

Well, I'm sure this is not what you want to hear but you set yourself up for those accusations. Your own conduct and those pictures you posed in were pretty incriminating if only circumstantial. Frankly I don't blame your husband for being angry. If it'd been me I'd have reacted the same way. I don't mean to pick you apart but you're a married woman in her 40s with children. You'd better turn over a new leaf and cut the flirting and picture-posing with these men or you'll end up with a broken heart.

You are on the right path for apologizing but I think the key here is not so much the words that come out of your mouth but your actions. Your husband going to the extreme and ripping your clothes off was uncalled for and a severe over reaction. I am not trying to justify his actions, but, if he's put up with years of your flirtatious behavior without really saying or doing much about it, this may have just been the straw that broke the camels back. I wouldn't be surprised if he invited those guys just to see, or in his view, confirm that you would behave a certain way with them.

We all talk about work, and the people we work with. Is it possible that you may talk about these people a little too much? Then, finding these pictures of you, although in your eyes innocent, in an insecure husband's eyes they are just more proof. Sitting on this guy's lap just added fuel to the fire. 4 years of working with someone is really nothing, you are still pretty much strangers... unless you lunch with them frequently and have very personal conversations with them.

Whether you're 40 or 24, being married grants more modest behavior with the opposite sex. He's struggling with what he perceives as your lack of character. It's going to take time to show your husband that you are committed to him, and your marriage and that you are truly sorry for any behavior that may have lead him to believe these things about you. He needs compassion right about now. Be patient. These feelings he has didn't happen over night so in all likelihood they won't go away over night either.

If your husband continues to treat you poorly or verbally abuses you (heaven forbid physically either) than other measures need to be taken. I don't think therapy would do much in this situation. Just lots of honest, good, non-threatening communication. If he's simply not willing to do that, than ask him point blank if he would like you to go? Tell him that's the last thing you want, however, if he's unwilling to talk with you and work on your marriage, than you have no alternative. I truly believe that if you can communicate with him, this will make your marriage stronger than ever because it brings in all the important elements like trust, honesty and warmth towards each other. We don't know much about his personality other than he blew up that night and is still angry. Is he a good husband? Faithful, hard working, loving? If he is, then re-commit. Woo him back, just like when you were dating. Make his favorite meals, wear his favorite dress, plan a weekly dinner and a movie night and end it passionately. Remind him why you chose him to be your man. I think he will give it back to you ten-fold, good men usually do.

That is very nice advise, thank you. I appreciate it.

Just a note to "WildCat21" you seem to be an awful bitter man. You must be talking from experience with the being cheated on. No I have not dated either of these guys I am also friends with the wives.

No I have not cheated on anyone else. Nor would I cheat on my husband.

My husband, I thought, was more of a free spirit. When we were dating he told me about an instance when he video taped a friend of his having sex with his friends girlfriend, and that he got close enough with the camera to bump into them. I do not approve of this behavior either, but I don't keep bringing it up.

He also likes to "moon" everybody all the time. I don't feel that is appropriate either. It is not like I flash myself to anyone.

To me he has a lot of double standards, and it is frustrating.

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

I doubt. There is more too this I am sure. I can just tell - if there wasn't more too this then you would not be here.

Did you date either of these guys???

Have you ever cheated on anyone in your life????? I bet you have. Sorry. I just know.

Sometimes people come here for reassurances that they are right - things like trying to find out it's OK to cheat - it's never ok.

You're husband would not have these insecurities otherwise.

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Wildcat21... you are an insecure person (not sure I wanted to call you a man... don't think you are worthy)! You are obviously just like this ladies husband! Maybe yous are brothers..! If my husband would have stipped me down the way this ladies did... I would have told him that he can look but if he does... that would be that last time he would EVER see me naked! If there is not proof of infidelity besides some lowsy pictures of "friendship" then... there isn't a marriage. If you don't trust someone... you should be married to them! Maybe he needs to be married to someone who smoothers him and wants to be with him 24/7! I guarantee he wouldn't be able to take that for too long!

Hang in there!!

Nope never been cheated on... I just know from experinece here what's really going on. We don't have the real story.

See - you just gave us more info.

What difference does that information make?:confused:

Please inspire me.

Love the insults - hahaha! Weak people.

Well, if you don't give us the entire story - then everything is BS.

You came here for sympathy and not answers. I know there is more to this story that you won't tell us. I just know from experience.

Spin away at your side of the story - I know your husband has another side.

We want the truth - not BS.

Well I Think... You Gave Him The Inch To Not Trust You,so As Some Men Will Do,thell Take It A Mile. Only Time Will Help Him Through This But Your Just Going To Have To Deal W/the Misstrust For A While. Now This Is All Assumeing You've Not Had Priour Misstrust Issues, And Or Hes Not Abuseing You Now Or In The Past. Turn The Tables How Would You Feel? And The Wife Was In The Photo Maybe There "swingers".point Is Hell Read Into ,over Anilise It. I Can Understand I Too Work And My Husband Is Jelous Of The Wierdest Guy Here! Hes Truly Shrimpy. But None The Less Were Friends, Friends Only!! And Ive Done Nothing To Suggest Other Wise Most Men Are Just Grown Boys And They Have To Work Through There Problems S L O W L Y... Just Don't Respond To His Negativity,hell Should Stop Soon Enough.

Wildcat21... you are right... there are two sides to every story! Right away you are assuming that she is lying which... I don't understand! Everyone else here only tells their side when asking for advise about a situation! Are you criticizing everyone the way you are criticizing this lady? You could've answered in a more tasteful way! Being blunt is OK... sometimes but do it using more respect! :) I have been cheated on and I would like to think I know the signs but I am no expert!

Think as you may "Wildcat", it is too bad everyone lies in your eyes.

I came to get helpful information and received it from several. I thank everyone who replied. I found some information useful for trying at home.

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Originally Posted by BIM

He kept me up all night that night yelling, I called my mom over to help calm him down. He stripped my clothes off of me in our kitchen looking for marks. He still goes though my purse, goes through my cell phone, he tells me I cannot go out without him.

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Shakes my head here and gives it one last stab: I know enough to realise this right here, even if there HAD been infidelity, is enough to press legal charges for abuse and assault and land him in both jail and very likely an anger management or domestic violence program where I live. If that isn't enough to wake some people up, then I don't know what to say. I have had a front row seat to all sorts of things going wrong in couples as part of my professional life and it is simply not possible to mitigate irrational stuff like this with rational responses. I totally understand the need to try it but when it doesn't work, look me up. Good luck.

Consider some short term therapy/marriage counseling with your husband to let a 3rd party add some perspective. Obviously a trust issue/nerve has been touched in your husband - but his behavior is out of line and borderline abusive and not "in tune" with the incident. I think you are approaching the point where you need to say "Get past this" or "Get out". If he calms down even a little... you can offer a "how can I help you get past this" and work as partners... but only after the abusive treatment stops.

Yep I said she lied - nope.

All I said was I want the whole story. We are not getting the whole story. All I want is the entire story.

I am sure there is more to this.

I would like to add my two cents.. My cousins' husband was a very jelous man. Yes, she would flirt. I flirt, my husband flirts, his best friend flirts. Her husband was the biggest flirt of all. When the rest of us were flirting, it was innocent, but no so much w/ him. Anyway, he accused her of sleeping w/ 37 different men, & two women(yes, she kept a list). This went on of the 1st 9 years of their marriage. Then, right before their tenth annivarsary, he addmitted that HE slept w/ her 1/2 sister just 2 weeks BEFORE they got married!! All of those years that he was accusing her, was because of his own guilt. Same thing happened w/ my friend. Her husband kept implying that she was cheating on him, when latter it was found out that he was cheating on her. Ever heard the saying, "he who accuses has the most to hide". Neither of these women EVER cheated on anybody, yet both jelous husbands, who kept accusing both of them, each had an affair. Maybe your husband is feeling guilty about something? Also, I agree that he way over reacted, & I don't know that I would stay if it was me. Seems like total lack of respect on his part. Like I said, we flirt, but I trust my husband, & he trusts me. We both realize that it is all in fun. If you can't trust the person you are married to, then why be married?

I don't understand the need to flirt when married?
Can someone explain it to me please?
Flirting is meant to be a bit iof fun between single availabel people isn't it?
Not somehting that married or committed people should need to achieve.

Surely it only leads to the situations you have all described here.

I'm not condoning the husbands behaviour in either the original posters post or kymwm's post above.

But someone tell me why married people want to flirt yet they can't expect or accpet that there may some consequences??

When flirting hurts feelings or causes chaos it is no longer innocent. Some who are married don't mind, some do. When it becomes a problem it needs to be dealt with. When its done blatantly and in front of a partner who dislikes this kind of behavior then it is rude and disrespectful. A callous disregard for your partners feelings in my view. Also a sign of a relationship that is lacking. I would never make my partner feel so insecure especially after we had discussed it and made our feelings known. I'd love to flirt but not at my wife's expense or at the expense of my marriage. When in doubt, Talk it over (honest communication) and listen to each other. Which is obviously what the posters relationship clearly lacks. The husbands actions though are out of bounds, way out, in my opinion and should not be tolerated EVER. As to the wife's flirting, bad judgement on her part because there is no way she didn't know her actions would piss him off. There is a need for a heavy dose of marital counseling for this couple and maybe a separation to cool this situation off and clear thinking to take hold, or else this relationship is in the toilet. There are MANY issues to be worked through. The sooner the better.

I guess for some people it is a personnaly thing. I flirt w/ everyone, men, women, kids, animals. Many I should call it "fun loving" instead of flirt. It has never gotten me into a "situation". I guess when I do flirt, I also let it be known that I am happily married (12 years in Oct; together for @ 20years w/ dating). My husband is the same. But it is not an issue for us, we know it's harmless. And I assume that we send out "vibes" to the people we flirt w/ , because most people seem to know we are only having fun, nothing is meant by it, & that it is harmless. I have been a flirt since I was a kid, & from what I can tell, so has my husband.

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Originally Posted by Skell

I don't understand the need to flirt when married?

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I think there is a difference between the kind of flirting that is innocent and fun, and flirting that is inviting and laden with innuendo.

Most friendly humans – married or not - do the basic innocent and fun flirting. Something as simple as a compliment can be called flirting. If I can say something friendly or funny and get a smile from a woman, there is no harm done. A compliment taken too far or delivered in a more than playfully alluring way gets into something that is not appropriate for a committed couple. If I were to deliver the compliment that involved an unwanted sexual invitation or with more than casual physical contact, I am not behaving in a respectful manner.

While I personally do not think BIM went too far in her behavior, I can certainly understand how sitting on a co-worker's lap or being carried around by another man could be interpreted as going to far by her husband.

By the same token though, regardless of whether there is more to the story or not, I believe the husband went much too far when he ripped the clothing off his wife.
That is crossing the line of respect and dignity.

Flirting whether you are out on a date or with your spouse is being disrespectful to that person. Everyone has their own thoughts on what is actually flirting. I am very friendly and laugh, talk, and smile at everyone. Most places I worked I was always closer to a male coworker than any of the females. I never flirted with them. My husband was fine with it because he could tell we were just friends and he would enjoy visiting with them also. He would have invited one of them to a party for me. I would never have sat on their laps or been picked up by one of them. I am sure my husband would not have been comfortable with that. By always being keeping that line between us kept my husbands trust.
I do feel your husband went over the line by removing your clothes. He is over the edge now. Did his X wife cheat on him? There is more going on in his mind than just this incident. If for over 3 years nothing like this has happened and he went from zero jealousy to 120% jealousy there is more.
I am not saying you did more, he has some issues.

He definitely has massive issues...

But I want the entire story. We're not getting that.

My wife will flirt from time to time with a guy when we are out at a bar... not the I want you to take me home stuff, but just little things. She doesn't hide she's married, and she's coming home with me, and if the guys happy to buy her a few rounds of pool and lose to a beautiful woman, then so what.

BUT I will say it IS disrespectful to flirt if the spouse is uncomfortable under reasonable circumstances. And then there are the guys who go ballistic for any attention a partner gives another man, such as casual conversation.

And in this case, he obviously has some serious trust issues. Something has likely happened to him, either in the past with someone else or with you. Or maybe with one of the guys he knows. I'm close to a cousin who I think is great, except he talks about how the guys at his work b1tch and moan about marriage, himself included. Maybe someone he knows had something happen and its rattled him... but it sure sounds like either he is either has been burned in the past or something is going on.

You have absolutely every right to be upset about the strip search... and any further accusations are just noise.

I'm afraid this trust issue is going to have to be resolved for both your sakes or the marriage is going to really suffer. What happens if you ask him, calmly and unaccusingly, has he ever been cheated on before in a previous relationship. There is a deeper mistrust he's showing that is not due to your flirting alone. You need to find, if you can, what the source is. Hell likely not give this up easily unless he's ready to confront the real issue.

You also are going to have to draw some lines that are reasonable in a marriage. He should not rummage through your items. There should be no reason for you to be hiding anything, but he's crossing a line. Ask him why in the world he thinks you have the energy and time to run around on him when you are devoted to your family.

And if you haven't you might say you are sorry you hurt his feelings for flirting, but you are not going to feel guilty for something that you've not done and have no intention of doing.

To an extent, I agree with what wildcat has said. It is really difficult to pin the blame on either one of you, especially after hearing only one side of the story. You know what you did or didn't do wrong, and no one here is really going to change that. You two have a history, you've been in a divorce before, we don't know what you allow with each other or don't allow with each other. Its tough to tell if either sides actions were out of line, each individual marriage has its own set of guidelines, some are more flexible than others. You need to just work this out the best you can in your mind. More than anything, be prepared to do what's best. You most likely already know what that is. When you've come to a conclusion, that's when you should ask people here if they agree and if you're thinking clearly. There's just too much information that we don't have and can't get. No need to make any rash or finalizing decisions, sometimes time makes people feel differently about their actions or reactions, but make sure you've tried to see his viewpoint and imagined how you'd feel.