Hello Everybody,
My one friend told me this site is great for advice... So here I am.
I am a 26 year old male who as been dating this girl for 3 years.
The first 6 months were great. We never argued or anything.
Then she start going out with her friends on a more regular basis. I didn't care about that as long as she let me know where she was going and as long as she gave me a phone call to let me know she got home all right. She tends to drink a lot to hide her problems and it worries me. I found out she lied numerous times to me about what time she got home and why she was so late. Being able to not trust her made me show less emotions to her. I specifically told her I need her to be honest with me. We had a huge argument and we took a break. In 3 weeks she slept with 4 guys and lied about it to my face. We ended up getting back together a few weeks later. It's now a year after that and she's bringing up marriage and me committing to her. I told her I'm not ready to committ to her this soon after what she did last year. I'm confused on what to do. I know I don't ever want to marry her. And I don't think I would be truly happy with her. I can't stand her family. She's not reasonable. I'm just confused why I don't want to let her go. I mean I guess I should break it off right? I just need some advice
Thanks Everyone.

Some people just don't like change even when they aren't happy with something. Change can be hard and scary, you're moving away from something comfortable into the unknown. It's SO much easier to continue down the familiar path. When that path is leading you to unhappiness it's worth the effort to find a new path.

Politely tell her you've come to realize this relationship isn't going to work and go on your way. It generally does not get better with time and breaking up now is a LOT cheaper than after you're married.
Ber

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Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth

Hello Everybody,
My one friend told me this site is great for advice...So here I am.
I am a 26 year old male who as been dating this girl for 3 years.
The first 6 months were great. We never argued or anything.
Then she start going out with her friends on a more regular basis. I didnt care about that as long as she let me know where she was going and as long as she gave me a phone call to let me know she got home alright. She tends to drink alot to hide her problems and it worries me. I found out she lied numerous times to me about what time she got home and why she was so late. Being able to not trust her made me show less emotions to her. I specifically told her I need her to be honest with me. We had a huge arguement and we took a break. In 3 weeks she slept with 4 guys and lied about it to my face. We ended up getting back together a few weeks later. It's now a year after that and she's bringing up marriage and me committing to her. I told her I'm not ready to committ to her this soon after what she did last year. I'm confused on what to do. I know I don't ever want to marry her. And I don't think I would be truly happy with her. I can't stand her family. She's not reasonable. I'm just confused why I don't want to let her go. I mean I guess I should break it off right? I just need some advice
Thanks Everyone.

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Yes, you clearly have no desire to have a long term relationship with her. It is hard to let go of something you are comfortable with, so I imagine you are having problems being able to cut this loose without worrying about being alone for awhile. I put the 3 guys quote in bold, as this would have made me end it period. She clearly has issues she needs to focus on, and with the amount of red flags you have all around you, you would be a fool to stay in this.

Break it off, and get her out of your life. It is hard, but you will find more trouble by letting her stay in your life. Sometimes the hardest things in life revolve around letting someone go. You probably still love her, but realize, in the end, it is NO GOOD for you. Good luck.

Anytime you find yourself on this website asking the question of "Should I," normally you already know the answer to it... we just kind of push you in that direction.

Thanks! Yeah... It was 4 guys. And she said the reason she slept with them was because I didn't show her enough affection. And I told her that's because I don't trust you. I just called her this morning to say hi and wish her a good day. She didn't pick up, but txt me a long message saying "I can't talk now, running late for work. I'm getting in the shower......blah blah blah...." She could have picked up the phone and just told me that...
It's just hard to break it off.

Hard, but well worth it. The excuse of, "I was sleeping with other guys because you didn't give me enough attention," is garbage... you slept with other guys because you can't keep your legs shut.

Sorry to be harsh. Welcome to AMHD baby! You will be fine. Cut her out of your life... she is a cancer that will eat away at you.

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Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth

confused on what to do?

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Your confused on what you should do? Read what you wrote below that should make you unconfused?

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Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth

I know I don't ever want to marry her. And I don't think I would be truly happy with her. I can't stand her family. She's not reasonable.

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Tell you what, if I felt this way about my ex I would not waste her time and especially mine. YOU have to get out of this relationship, because you will only get more miserable as time goes on.

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Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth

I'm just confused why I don't want to let her go.

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Again, I don't know why your confused. And you probably don't want to let her go because your probably comfortable and feel safe with her.

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Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth

I guess I should break it off right?

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I think that would be the best thing to do.

She is not only treating you unfairly,she is not accepting responsibility for her own behavior.Blaming your lack of affection as an excuse for cheating is absurd.She will never change her cheating ways if she feels justified.

You don't want to get out of your comfort zone and make a break so you will only have more of the same,since she is not accepting responsibility,she will continue to blame you for her cheating.

Change is seldom easy but in your case the alternative is worse.

I would also get tested.Four guys times whoever they slept with ,etc. is a scary thing.

I did get tested, Im fine. I was really mad at her for putting my physical health at risk and I made that clear to her. She just makes things feel like they are always my fault. Like this morning. I called her to just say hi and to wish her a good day. No answer but, she texts me back in 3 minutes. Saying "I can't talk now, im busy, running late for work, and I have to get a shower" Wouldn't it have been easier to just pick up the phone when I called to say that? Then she wanted to start an argument about that.

Like you said in your first post the first 6 mts. Were great,well you ,of course that's the honeymoon period.That leaves 21/2 years of cheating and blaming.
No one likes to throw away their favorite pair of slippers,their just so formed to our feet and seem like such a nice fit,but at some point,they start to stink and they are so badly beyond repair,they just have to go.Comfortable? Yes, no longer useful,yes.
The text is suspicious.Makes no sense to text when a pick up would have been quicker.
I don't know how you could stand to be with someone you can't trust.It would drive me crazy.
You need to rethink what is comfortable and what is healthy and make a difficult choice.

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Originally Posted by letmeknowtruth

She just makes things feel like they are always my fault.

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That's her way of manipulating and controlling you. She will break your spirit as time goes on, that's what abusers do. You are experiencing the beginnings of emotional abuse. Get out before she destroys you.
Ber

If there is no prize at the end of the race, why keep running? You're only going to wear yourself out, get all sweaty and stinky, and bypass other people who could be the right one for you.

If you have no intention of marrying her, can't stand her family, and don't want to commit to pursuing a possibility, then you're not being fair to yourself or your girlfriend. You deserve the thrill of knowing there is something to stay in the race for...

Why prolong the agony?

Let her go - she isn't for you that's clear cut

Yes get out of this relationship as soon as you can. She is treating you like garbage and you don't deserve that. Its just a destructive situation period. I also agree with artlady on this one. That txt message is really suspicious. Sounds to me like she mite have been up to no good and that's why she didn't just call you to tell you that.

Well everyone's right, including yourself!

You already know what you have to so (and not be rude) strap on a pair and get it done. This relationship has already gone on too long.

Well, I finally did it everybody.
I ended it! She just pushed me over the edge.
I gave her once last chance to be honest with me and she lied. She said she was leaving the bar at 10pm to go home and get a shower and then come over. She didn't get to my house till 12am. Still smelling like smoke and drunk.
She insisted she wasn't drunk and went home, took, a shower, and changed. It was sooo obvious she didn't. After 2 hours of arguing she came clean and said she never left the bar. I drove her home and said I needed to talk to you tomorrow about our relationship.
The next day we talk and she says that my religious and political beliefs bother her. I believe in god and have a good heart. I try to live an honest and meaningful life. She says that's not going to get me into heaven and that I have to go to church every week and turn other people onto god. Then she says it matters weather you are a rupublican or democrat on how you raise your kids. All that was just complete nonsense to me. So I just I done... I can't keep this up. I wished her the best in life and told her to be safe. She cried and all right called and text me a few times saying "She's gonna feel soo lost without me".
I didn't answer and I'm not going to. It bothers me a little bit, but for the most part I'm OK.
Any comments or advice would be great
Thanks everyone for helping me do the right thing.

Hey I know its hard but you did the right thing. And I agree that if you believe in god and have a good heart that god will notice that and it really doesn't matter if you go to church every single Sunday. If you're a good person it won't go unnoticed. Im glad to hear that you took this step you needed it!

Why even think about marrying this unfaithful person. What happens after you have been married for a few years, and she think you were not being affectionate enough again. Is she going to sleep with 4 more guys?

I don't think she should have the privilege to marry you.

Time to go bud. You already don't trust her. Like Tal said earlier, why prolong your agony???


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I didn't read your last post. You're doing the right thing for yourself by kicking her to the curb. Good job and stay strong!! The road ahead will be difficult, but you will most certainly complete your journey.

Hey, thanks for all the support. I am actually feeling very well. It's been 4 days and she tried contacting me about 5 times already. I am very proud of myself because I am still doing NC and will remain to. HAHA. LOL she actually just text me right now saying "Hey I just wanted 2 say hi n 2 see how things r going 4 u" hehe, why is she playing games? I told her I was done.

OK I knew the answer as soon as I saw the question lol
If you are asking yourself this then you really arnt ready to be in a marriage with this person.

No relationships are perfect but there HAS to be trust and more importantly love,

I was in a relationship with a man for 4 yrs, at the time I thought I loved him , since splitting up and finding the man of my dreams I have realised it was never love at all, it was a habbit,

You get so used to having someone around that you find it hard to imagine your life without them in it.

Personally I think you have so much to life to look forward to and you should end it.

Your true love is right around the corner.

My partner now never wanted kids, he never wanted marriage, but I think a lot of men think this, until they meet the right person and you just know you want to spend forever with them, me and my partner now have a gorgeous little girl and plan to get married next year.

Don't settle for second best, break the habbit and get your life back :)

Hope this helped :)

Xx

Wow, this history sounds similar with mine, except my girlfriend didn't say she slept with someone, but her emotional things, and personality are the same, it really destroys our self confidence... Im so scaried why the girls are cheating like that, can't understand what make them do that... and how to get off that kind of girl, how to identify when you meet that kind of girl!

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why is she playing games? I told her I was done.

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You answer some need of hers but I can assure you it is something that she can use you for as that seems to be her only way to behave in life.

Good that you ended it before she sucked the life out of you.Thanks for the update and stay strong!

You should break up with her now, the sooner the better. The more you stay in this relationship the more rooted you;ll become in it. If you have no intentions of ever marrying her, leave now. Plus your happiness is at stake!

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Claire58;1614829, you should break up with her now,

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I did end it. 4 days ago. I just want to know why she is still texting me saying "Hey, I just wanted to say hi and to see how things are going 4 u".
I don't get it

Perhaps she guenuinly does care, and wants to make sure you are OK?

Just explain to her that you need some time out, and that you don't need her texting you as its making it harder.

Maybe she is hurting and knows what she lost... and is wondering if you are hurting too and missing her...

If u wrote back something like "I'm in serious pain, I miss u so much"... or something like that, then she will know you are missing her and are in a state where she could come back to you. So its like she is just testing the waters to see if she can get back in

But since you told her you are done, and are not talking to her now, she is most likely going to think you are doing fine and moving on from her, which means she might start doing the same because she sees there is no hope, no reason to hold on to you anymore

Threads merged and edited


Hey Everyone,

Before I met my ex of 3 years, she use to drink and party heavily. She would drive drunk as well from what I was told. When we started dating I told her I didn't want her doing that and she stopped. She stopped drinking, she stopped the heavy partying. Even her and her parents said I changed her and made her a better person.

Well about 18 months into the relationship she switched jobs, got new friends that were just dumb, started going out more, and drinking more. She started lying about little stupid things. Then all of the sudden, she got 3 tattoos and told me my religious beliefs bothered her. I told her I believe in god and that I have a great heart. She told me that wasn't going to get me into heaven and that I have to go to church every Sunday and turn people on to god.

Regardless I told her none of that makes me feel different towards you. We decided to take a break. In 3 weeks she slept with 4 guys. Started drinking every night and driving home drunk. Going to parties and flashing her boobs. Her one friend even called me and told me that I have to do something and that she's out of control. So I stepped in.

After another week she stopped doing that and cried and apologized to me. Said she was sooo sorry. Well... about 3 months ago it all happened again, she got another tattoo, got her tongue pierced and brought up religion and politics again. I'm not one to judge but she's a hypocrite preaching what she does and then doing what she does.

Finally about 2 weeks ago I ended it. I said I am done. I haven't talked to her in 2 weeks. I have kept NC strict. Even though she called me twice and txt me about 4 times. Her one friend called me again and she that she's drinking heavily again.

My question to everyone is... Should I help her again or is it out of my hands. I mean I am a caring human being and I don't want to see her kill herself or someone else while she's driving, but what else can I do.

Does she have some sort of problem that she needs help with? It just makes me feel sometimes that its my fault. Why does she always act out when she gets tattoos and piercings? I could use some advice.
Thanks Everyone

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Letmeknowtruth;1621706
My question to everyone is... Should I help her again or is it out of my hands. I mean I am a caring human being and I don't want to see her kill herself or someone else while she's driving, but what else can I do.

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I understand you care, but you can't save her from herself. You can suggest she get help, from a professional, AA, or a physician, but its up to her to do the work necessary to save her own life, and get off the path of self destruction she is on. I also suggest you educate yourself through Al-Anon, or the net about people who suffer from the disease of alcoholism, and pass it on to her friends so maybe they can convince her of the help she needs, as its out there, but she has to go get it. I don't advise you to step in yourself, as she is already dependent on you, but I wouldn't rule out intervention (something else to learn about) at some point LATER.

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Does she have some sort of problem that she needs help with? It just makes me feel sometimes that its my fault. Why does she always act out when she gets tattoos and piercings? I could use some advice.

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She is a drunk who needs professional help, and unless she admits it to herself, and wants help the right way, from the right people, she will continue to self destruct, until her own actions stop her... jails, institutions, or death, is where she is headed.

Sorry guy, not an easy position to be put in, so pray for her, and educate yourself, so her friends can have a source of facts, and options.

Hey, Well it's been about a month since I broke up with my ex. I am feeling pretty good.
I do still think about her time to time, but I know I did the right thing and I know she wasn't good for me. For the past month have been taking time for myself. I recently started talking to a new girl and she seems very nice. I am taking it slow as I don't want to rush into anything. I did find out some disturbing things though. I ran into one of her best friends last week and she said she is no longer friends with my ex. It turns out my ex was doing lines of coke at a bar while she was still with me. That's just horrible. Can she can Hep. B or C from that? That worries me. Any advice?
Thanks to everyone for their help. I am now a stronger and smarter person because of this site.

Only worry about what you do. She will be doing her thing and making her own choices. She is going to have to live with whatever consequences result from her choices.

Take a valuable lesson from this particular experience and do not go searching for shreds of your ex's life. More often than not, you're not going to like what you hear.