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My husband is verbally abusive, disrespectful, and degrading to me in public. He doesn't care if it is people he works with, our friends, his family, or total strangers. How do I deal with this? I have tried to tell him his behavior is hurtful, "but if I was not so stupid, he wouldn't have to talk to me like a child.":mad::confused::confused:
Is this a new thing? When did it begin?
It has been going on since I had a back injury and became disabled. I no longer make big bucks! He will not allow me to buy a $5 item without asking him. Control and greed
Everything was fine before your injury? No abuse at all?
If he starts, correct him right there, don't let him do it and get away with it
He had developed a tendency to lie and use me to make himself look good a couple of years prior to the accident. But by no means as cruel as he is now. I used to ignore him, but now I say something back about him being rude, or tell him if he doesn't stop it, I will remove myself from the situation. Now I am p-----! I want some comebacks and I want to let him have it.
PS I agree! Go, Obama!
Apparently, he has raised the bar on making himself look good, and is outdoing himself with cruelty.Quote:
Originally Posted by verbattered52
How dependent are you physically on him?
Very little. He wouldn't be there for me anyway. A friend had to take me to have the surgery "because he didn't want to miss work." I was out on pain medication for three days immediately after, and he remembered to feed and water the dogs, but not me.
Would he give you money for a few counseling sessions?Quote:
Originally Posted by verbattered52
No, but his insurance is VERY good, and I have an appointment next week.
Oh, goody, goody! He may be asked to come in for a session or two. Would he?Quote:
Originally Posted by verbattered52
Get out, now.
Trust me.
It will get worse.
Communication
Communication
Communication
You need to tell your husband straight that the way he is treating you and talking to you is 100% not on and you are not going to put up with it or him acting the way he does.
You need to let him no that you two are married and equals in this relationship and that he is not your master.Quote:
"but if I was not so stupid, he wouldn't have to talk to me like a child."
I know it is hard but you need to really stand up to this or you could find things just get worse.
I do not want to give you a RED but NO - No and NO NO NO again :confused:Quote:
Originally Posted by GuineaGurl2653
Please do not start him drinking.
There is never any excuse or justification for verbal abuse.It is just as painful as a slap across the face.
It is a violation of marriage vows and an insult to the integrity of you and your union.
If he is trying to embarrass you in public ,he is actually making a fool out of himself.The next time he pulls a stunt in public I would ask his audience *Isn't it wonderful the way my husband speaks to me*?
Hopefully someone will answer and speak in your defense.
Below is a link I think you must read. Do not ever accept this kind of treatment,it has a tendency to escalate.
Intimate Partner Abuse Screen
The drinking suggestion is appreciated but not practical. This man is a recovering alcoholic and has not drank in about ten years. He and liquor were not pretty!
Getting out is all well and good, but I am 52 years old with major back pro blems.
As far as him going with me to a therapists, he has gone to two different therapists with me. He put on a show for a female therapists, and I was just a lazy . With a male therapists, he was very verbal and irate with therapists, and me. He would make up lies, grit his teeth, and yell at us both. Therapist said he was a woman hater.
I really want to thank each of you for your support!
So what did the therapists suggest you do?Quote:
Originally Posted by verbattered52
The woman suggested I show more appreciation and do things to please him. The man told me to go to a safe house.
How do I add picture to my profile? Is it possible to IM on this site or are there group discussions? You have been so good to me. Thank you
The woman therapist said THAT?? Good grief!! I hope you spit in her eye!
My Profile -> Your Control Panel -> Settings & Options -> Edit Photo.
The rest should be easy if you have ever downloaded a photo before.
I like you! I would have liked to give her a swift kick in the booty! Your sense of humor makes me feel better.
(Pssst. I'm a counselor when I'm not a librarian--and even then I'm a counselor... )
Suggestion: Don't be upset and teary-eyed. He's playing a control game, one-upping you. What do you think would be your reaction that he would least expect and would most be shocked by? What would knock him off his pins? Tell me what you think.Quote:
Originally Posted by verbattered52
LOL! And an Obama supporter, too. I am a rarity here in the South, and I don't mean the south side of Chicago. Incidentally, I have been there.
I was born and raised in NC and western NY; parents were from ID and IL.
Now, tell me. How could you react to his put-downs in a way he would least expect and would give you the upper hand (in a good way so that he wouldn't want to punch you out)?
If I can stay calm, and make him look like a fool and a jerk with some amount of class, he will be embarrassed enough to stop.
Use humor somehow? Look him straight in the eye (bullies HATE to be looked at), smile sweetly, and say, "Jack, you are soooooooooo adorable when you get like that," then turn to someone else to continue a conversation. If others laugh at that, that will quiet him fast.Quote:
Originally Posted by verbattered52
Could you do it? -- be classy or use humor, stay calm?
Yes, the remark will have to be a bit more believable than to work.
One thing for sure you putting up with his bad behavior will invite more, as you have noticed.
He needs some time away from you to bring back his appreciation, and good manners. Do you have a place to go, for say a week??
The idea is to give him a taste of what he would be missing, and motivate some change to get you back, and keep you. If his efforts are not enough, stay longer. After a while of peace, you may not want him back.
The separation will help you both.
Below is a link I think you must read. Do not ever accept this kind of treatment,it has a tendency to escalate.
Intimate Partner Abuse Screen[/QUOTE]
Thank you for this link
Yes, I could get away, but he woud scream about the money I used for gas, and any other money I spent! Even the miles on my car. Believe me, if I were financially able, I would not put up with his crap. The hell of it is, I always made more money than him until my accident five years ago.
He's imprisoned you! He has total control over you! He's a control hungry jerk. I'm sorry about your circumstance about your injury. Maybe, ask a someone you can trust to drive you. I will pray for your happiness.
Thank you so much for your prayers and support. I do feel very much imprisoned. Imagine a carpet of eggshells and me.
Do you want to continue to deal with his abuse?
no
Then don't! Let him scream, you be gone.
Please explain how I do this as a disabled person with no income. I am 52 years old and have worked and made decent money all my life. I have put every penny I had into our home. What am I supposed to do? Walk away and lose everything I have worked my butt off for?
Well, what are the choices? Leave or stay, right? If you leave, you say you lose will everything. (I'm not so sure that is correct -- but more on that soon.) If you stay, are you strong enough to be able to change so that he will hopefully change too? It will have to happen in small steps probably, but you have to change how you deal with him and react to him so he isn't always mopping up the floor with you.Quote:
Originally Posted by verbattered52
Have you ever looked up the phone number of a women's shelter in your area or the number for a crisis hotline? If so, have you ever called? The person at the other end would be able to advise you about what would happen if you left your house and would know some of the legalities regarding property ownership. I'm not a lawyer, but suspect that everything you and your husband have accumulated during your marriage is half yours.
Perhaps you should begin the process to get social security disability.It takes time but you may qualify for something now.Maybe even short term disability until full disability kicks in.
I can see where you feel stuck and I understand not wanting to give up your home and everything you have worked for.
Is there any work you could do now in your home so that you are not completely dependent on him?
Maybe babysitting or catering.
Perhaps you could advertise to do light cleaning a few times a week.
Its hard to offer suggestions as I don't know the extent of your disability.
I would get the ball rolling on disability and in the meantime ,make an apt. for yourself in the basement or attic and just move out as much as your physically can and don't let him get into your head.
I have filed for disability. I filed two weeks ago. I understand it takes 3 - 5 months to get an answer.
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