Ask Me Help Desk - I think my wife had a one night stand, (long story)

Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and don't get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wife's cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.

Keep doing the counseling, no one needs to be out parting without the other

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

keep doing the couseling, no one needs to be out parting without the other

Do you buy her story?

This doesn't sound like a one-night stand for certain, although it could be, but your sister seems to have confirmed some of her possible story.

What did happen is that she got wasted - and that's really not what a Mom of 4 children should have done. (Or Dad for that matter).

Well I wouldn't trust her either. Keep up the counseling but stay on your toes. However, smothering her can also drive her away but with her history, maybe that wouldn't be such a bad thing.

Yeah continuing the counseling is the only thing you can do right now.

You need to rebuild the trust, which is VERY hard.. but it needs to be done

This is a tough situation. And she shouldn't be acting like this with 4 kids.. She needs to get to the root of the problem as to why she felt she needed to flee like that..

Quote:

Originally Posted by plonak

Yeah continuing the counseling is the only thing you can do right now.

You need to rebuild the trust, which is VERY hard.. but it needs to be done

This is a tough situation. And she shouldn't be acting like this with 4 kids.. She needs to get to the root of the problem as to why she felt she needed to flee like that..

Your telling me, rebuilding the trust is very hard. I know the wound is still fresh but its does not get any easier. The hardest part is feeling like I will never know the complete truth. I feel if I knew it than I could deal with it. Right now the not knowing is something I can't deal with right now. I just feel with all my heart that I don't know everything.

As for an up date, the night I posted this I confronted her again. I told her she could help me by explaining something's I did not understand. Long story short she tried to explain some others she couldn't. I to;d her I could not be in a marriage with someone I could not trust. She sobbed, begged me not to go and kept saying nothing happened. If she is lying she was willing to let me file for divorce rather than tell me the truth. Now that is keeping a secret. As I said we are in counseling, we had our next session the next day. We are working on rebuilding the trust now.

I still feel that I don't know the complete truth, and I am having a hard time with that.

If you love her, then that love will prevail no matter what. I understand what you are going though. When my first wife came out and told me she fooled around, I was devistated, however still gave her another chance.

However the twist is she rejected this second chance, and wanted nothing more to do with me. 7 years later, I can say that her walking out on me was for the better.

You may never know the true answer, unless she just comes out and admits it.

What would I do? Splitsville here I come!

May sound mean and heartless, but heartbreak was the worst feeling I have ever endoured. I never want to go through that again, which is why I have a zero tolerance to infidelity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrewc24301

If you love her, then that love will prevail no matter what. I understand what you are going though. When my first wife came out and told me she fooled around, I was devistated, however still gave her another chance.

However the twist is she rejected this second chance, and wanted nothing more to do with me. 7 years later, I can say that her walking out on me was for the better.

You may never know the true answer, unless she just comes out and admits it.

What would I do? Splitsville here I come!

May sound mean and heartless, but heartbreak was the worst feeling I have ever endoured. I never want to go through that again, which is why I have a zero tolerance to infidelity.

I have thought about leaving, the biggest reason I am still hear is because of the kids. I do love my wife with all my heart and don't want to be apart from her.

But like you say I can't keep going through this heartbreak... NO WAY!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

I have thought about leaving, the biggest reason I am still hear is because of the kids. I do love my wife with all my heart and don't want to be apart from her.

But like you say I can't keep going through this heartbreak................NO WAY!!!!!!!!

And that does complicate the situation. Perhaps you should wait and see how the counseling helps. But if this crap is still going on, than I would at least consult with a lawyer, if for nothing more than to get some questions answered.

Around here the man isn't getting the shaft like they used to, and split custody is getting more common so both parents have equal levels of custody. In some cases the man actually wins full custody.

If the kids are older (in their teens) then they will understand more.

However my folks split when I was four years old, and I don't hold any ill memories or feelings to either one. I love them both, to this day one is always criticizing the other, but being a child of the divorce generation (80's) a lot of us kids knew how to deal with this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrewc24301

And that does complicate the situation. Perhaps you should wait and see how the counseling helps. But if this crap is still going on, than I would at least consult with a lawyer, if for nothing more than to get some questions answered.

Around here the man isn't getting the shaft like they used to, and split custody is getting more common so both parents have equal levels of custody. In some cases the man actually wins full custody.

If the kids are older (in their teens) then they will understand more.

However my folks split when I was four years old, and I don't hold any ill memories or feelings to either one. I love them both, to this day one is always critisizing the other, but being a child of the divorce generation (80's) a lot of us kids knew how to deal with this.

YA, kids are not older. We have a 8, 5, 4, and 2. A lot of work for us both.

At this point I think the best chance I have at finding the truth is talking to the other guy. And I mean talking not beating the crap out of the little s@*t.

He is just so much younger than us I don't know if he will tell me the truth. I know what I was like at 22, I would have told a husband anything they wanted to hear if I was in his situation.

Part of the solution is your wife is going to have to quit this partying lifestyle. Not to be controlling, and of course, you will have to abide by the same set of rules. Out of a mutual respect for one another. If she can't control her self when she drinks then the drinking needs to stop.

There is no harm with having a beer once in a while, but when it gets to a point where it impairs your judgement to a point of infidelity, then it's gone far enough.

With 4 kids, neither of the parents need to be going around getting wasted anyway. You two are not in high school anymore, the time for staying out all night drinking and partying is over. She is going to have to come to terms with that.

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

My stepfather ran around on my mother once, when he was under the influence of alcohol. They are still together, but the incident cut to the bone. It took their marriage several years to get through it.

And of course, the man had to quit drinking and start living right. Otherwise the marriage wouldn't work. I was 13 years old when I witnessed this.

As a child, my perspective was, I saw the way my mother hurt when this news came to pass. It was an awful time in everyone's life. And as a child, I would have rather seen my mother separated and happy rather than married and miserable.

Unfortunately your children are not old enough to understant the depths of what is going it. It will be a taxing time for your family. But if she values the marriage and the family, then she won't mind quitting this lifestyle.

If she don't then you might try to hold on while the kids get a little older, but I wouldn't have anymore while this is going on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrewc24301

Part of the solution is your wife is going to have to quit this partying lifestyle. Not to be controlling, and of course, you will have to abide by the same set of rules. Out of a mutual respect for one another. If she can't control her self when she drinks then the drinking needs to stop.

There is no harm with having a beer once in a while, but when it gets to a point where it impairs your judgement to a point of infidelity, then it's gone far enough.

With 4 kids, neither of the parents need to be going around getting wasted anyway. You two are not in high school anymore, the time for staying out all night drinking and partying is over. She is going to have to come to terms with that.

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

My stepfather ran around on my mother once, when he was under the influence of alcohol. They are still together, but the incident cut to the bone. It took their marraige several years to get through it.

And of course, the man had to quit drinking and start living right. Otherwise the marraige wouldn't work. I was 13 years old when I witnessed this.

As a child, my perspective was, I saw the way my mother hurt when this news came to pass. It was an awful time in everyones life. And as a child, I would have rather seen my mother seperated and happy rather than married and miserable.

Unfortunatly your children are not old enough to understant the depths of what is going it. It will be a taxing time for your family. But if she values the marraige and the family, then she won't mind quitting this lifestyle.

If she don't then you might try to hold on while the kids get a little older, but I wouldn't have anymore while this is going on.

Just to answer some of your questions, she is not a partying stay out all night person. This is the first time something like this has ever happened. Sure she has gone out to dinner and a have a "few" drinks with her friends before but she has always stayed in touch with me and always gotten home t a descent hour. We are a tight family. She always calls me when she gets off work, to let me know she is on her way home.

I don't go out and party as well. We really are homebodies. We love to have friends and family over and if we drink that is were we do it, at home. If we ever go to clubs its always with each other.

That's the thing. This is just so out of character for her. She told me this guy started flirting with her a few months ago. To me it looks like her started flirting, she was/is attracted to him, she was flattered, they planned it, and it happened.

That's just how it looks from my point of view. Could it all be innocent, could she just have gone out with group of people and ended up drinking too much. I guess but not likely. That's not just her.

She has offered to quit her job two times. To me that's not the issue. Its her judgment. Or lack there of. She could work at any job ans still make poor choices, with men, with drinking, with whatever the choice is.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

Just to answer some of your questions, she is not a partying stay out all night person. This is the first time something like this has ever happened. Sure she has gone out to dinner and a have a "few" drinks with her friends before but she has always stayed in touch with me and always gotten home t a descent hour. We are a tight family. She always calls me when she gets off work, to let me know she is on her way home.

I don't go out and party as well. We really are homebodies. We love to have friends and family over and if we drink that is were we do it, at home. If we ever go to clubs its always with each other.

Thats the thing. This is just so out of character for her. She told me this guy started flirting with her a few months ago. To me it looks like her started flirting, she was/is attracted to him, she was flattered, they planed it, and it happened.

Thats just how it looks from my point of view. Could it all be innocent, could she just have gone out with group of people and ended up drinking to much. I guess but not likely. Thats not just her.

She has offered to quit her job two times. To me thats not the issue. Its her judgment. Or lack there of. She could work at any job ans still make poor choices, with men, with drinking, with whatever the choice is.

Well, in that case I'd say give the counciling a shot.

I apologize for insinuating she was a party animal. That was my perception from my point of view.

Maybe she did get a little flirty but didn't go all the way. Personally I don't have a problem with harmless flirting, but all relationships are different. Perhaps she is telling the truth. Sometimes you can tell if a person is hiding something by the way they conduct theirself.

Unfortunately, only you will be able to make that call.

After this last post, I feel this is something you two can work through. Doesn't sound as bad as what I had origionally thought.

Perhaps the man who approached the car was hitting on her, but it's also very possible that she rejected his advance. Men hit on women all the time. Some men specially target married women. Does't mean every woman is going to take him up on the offer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrewc24301

Well, in that case I'd say give the counciling a shot.

I apologize for insinuating she was a party animal. That was my perception from my point of view.

Maybe she did get a little flirty but didn't go all the way. Personally I don't have a problem with harmless flirting, but all relationships are different. Perhaps she is telling the truth. Sometimes you can tell if a person is hiding something by the way they conduct theirself.

Unfortunatly, only you will be able to make that call.

After this last post, I feel this is somthing you two can work through. Doesn't sound as bad as what I had origionally thought.

No worries, I know it probably sounded like she went out all the time. Its had to get a real good understanding for what is going on just by reading these posts.

As for the man that approached the car well that was me. She was in the car with the other guy. She said that they all went back to her friend Jessica's house. And this guy was the only one sober enough to give her a ride back to her car.

My problem with that is there were also text back and forth between them that night like I said in my original post. She said it was her friend sending the text not her. There are so many little things that I could go into from that night, little lies, things that don't add up but I don't want to waste everyone's time. At this point I guess I have to trust her and try to recover, or keep digging and try to find out the truth.

Hard choice to make at this moment, don't know how I will handle it going forward.

Any suggestions?

Hummm...

Well this is tricky. And the fact is, the answer may never be reached. There is compelling evidence that something went on, yet nobody has actually witnessed anything, and the woman is denying it.

Based on the circumstances, you have to be the jury here.

First ask yourself, if she confessed that something did happen, would you stand by her and work it out?

If the answer is yes, or maybe, then you could bring this to her attention. If that's the case, then tell her that you just want to know the truth, even if it hurts, you'll stand by her.

If the answer is no, then it may be harder to obtain the truth, especially if she doesn't want to loose you, she will feel like if she tells you that something happened, that the marriage will be over.

Okay I just had to go back in review the whole thread again.

Based on the first post, if it weren't or the kids I'd say dump her. But 4 kids is a lot to drag through a divorce. You might give it some time and see how things go. Perhaps the truth will come out, perhaps this is just an isolated event and will never happen again. Maybe she'll be more careful about answering her phone from now on.

After 4 or 5 years if this crap is still happening, then by that time the kids are teenagers. Prepare yourself for childsupport and file for divorce.

I don't think anyone would criticize you for "jumping the gun" or jumping to conclusions if you waiting that long.

Just out of curiosity, what did Jessica say about all this?

It sounds like she is the star witness. Of course, I wouldn't expect her to rat her friend out, but like I said earlier, sometimes you can read people and see when they are hiding something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and dont get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wifes cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.

Wow! I am so sorry to hear that! My personaly opinion and please don't take any offence to it but I really do believe that she was up to know good I know this is ahrd to hear but I believe that she is hideing things and doing them behind your back I think you and her should make a plane for her to call you at certain times and maybe I know you won't like this and think it is a great idea I would have someone watch what she is doing maybe a clse friend of yours and have that person tell you what she is doing

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrewc24301

When I found out my first wife was banging the guy she worked with, my proposal was for her to quit her job, as I could not trust her if she continued to work there. She rejected this.

I would have been out the door the mintue I found this out but I don't have kids (yet).

If you love her. You have to give her one chance.

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrewc24301

Hummm...

Well this is tricky. And the fact is, the answer may never be reached. There is compelling evidence that something went on, yet nobody has actualy witnessed anything, and the woman is denying it.

Based on the circumstances, you have to be the jury here.

First ask yourself, if she confessed that something did happen, would you stand by her and work it out?

If the answer is yes, or maybe, then you could bring this to her attention. If thats the case, then tell her that you just want to know the truth, even if it hurts, you'll stand by her.

If the answer is no, then it may be harder to obtain the truth, especially if she doesn't want to loose you, she will feel like if she tells you that something happened, that the marraige will be over.

Okay I just had to go back in review the whole thread again.

Based on the first post, if it weren't or the kids I'd say dump her. But 4 kids is a lot to drag through a divorce. You might give it some time and see how things go. Perhaps the truth will come out, perhaps this is just an isolated event and will never happen again. Maybe she'll be more careful about answering her phone from now on.

After 4 or 5 years if this crap is still happening, then by that time the kids are teenagers. Prepare yourself for childsupport and file for divorce.

I don't think anyone would critisize you for "jumping the gun" or jumping to conclusions if you waiting that long.

I have told her that even if something did happen I would not leave. I would want to stay and work it out. She says at this point it would just be easier to tell me something happened if it did. But she says she can't tell me she did something she did not do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrewc24301

Just out of curiosity, what did Jessica say about all this?

It sounds like she is the star witness. Of course, I wouldn't expect her to rat her friend out, but like I said earlier, sometimes you can read people and see when they are hiding something.

Funny you ask, The night all this happened she kept telling me "call Jessica she we tell you I was with her all night, It was a group thing, we were all at her house after we left the bar"

Well I told her then that it would be stupid for me to call Jessica because I don't know her and I think she would cover for you. Well a few days later we were talking about it and I said okay lets call Jessica, we did and my wife asked her "what time did I leave your house" Jessica said "about 4:00am I think", then my wife asked who all was there and she named a few people and ended by saying I don't know I was pretty f@*! Up.

So I would not expect her friend to rat her out either, and I don't know Jessica at all. So can I believe what she said, I have no idea. It does verify her story a little, I just don't know if her friend is covering for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by codyman144

I would have been out the door the mintue I found this out but i don't have kids (yet).

Your right, and we didn't have kids. But it was still fresh, and I was confused.

Looking back, I'm glad she rejected my offer, she would have surely done it again.

Thank you to all that have posted a replied on my topic. It just feels good to talk about the situation and see others inputs. Andrew thanks for your multiple posts, although our situations are different I can see you have taken an interest in mine. That means a lot.

I Saw a comment that said "if you love her you will give her a chance". That is what I am doing. We will give counseling a shot and see what happens.

I know my wife does love me and wants to be with me. But that does not mean she has always made the best choices and that nothing happened. I guess if the truth is meant to be known it will show its self in time.

Thanks to all!!

I think that under the circumstances, it's best to at least give it some time. She needs to try to be more careful, for every action there is a reaction. Cause and effect.

There is nothing wrong with giving some one a second chance even if they outright cheated on you. But that's for each couple to decide on their own. Its hard to let go of someone you love and care about, I understand that, and having kids doesn't make it any easier to do so.

I think if this will be the last time this happens, then the two of you would be all right. But like I said earlier, if this crap keeps on happening time and time again, then... what can I say, at that point, it would be fair to say she wouldn't be trustworthy. But she will have as many chances as you are willing to give her.

It probably wouldn't be a good idea to be "letting other people use her phone to flirt with people". She should have known better than that, that's just asking for trouble.

That's like her finding a used condom in your car's backseat, and you come back... "oh honey, my buddy just dropped that out of his pocket"... no one would believe that.

You're welcome or the conversation..

Good luck to you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by andrewc24301

I think that under the circumstances, it's best to at least give it some time. She needs to try to be more careful, for every action there is a reaction. Cause and effect.

There is nothing wrong with giving some one a second chance even if they outright cheated on you. But thats for each couple to decide on their own. Its hard to let go of someone you love and care about, I understand that, and having kids doesn't make it any easier to do so.

I think if this will be the last time this happens, then the two of you would be alright. But like I said earlier, if this crap keeps on happening time and time again, then... what can I say, at that point, it would be fair to say she wouldn't be trustworthy. But she will have as many chances as you are willing to give her.

It probably wouldn't be a good idea to be "letting other people use her phone to flirt with people". She should have known better than that, that's just asking for trouble.

That's like her finding a used condom in your car's backseat, and you come back... "oh honey, my buddy just dropped that out of his pocket".... no one would beleive that.

Andrew, you are right on with that statement. This is all the chances she gets. I understand the times before we were teenagers and all that that means. She was not ready for a serious relationship at that point in her life and I was not as well. I have to let that go. I mean at 17 or 18 how many of us were ready to settle down. Not I and she was not either. This is the first time in nine years of marriage that I have thought she has been unfaithful. She has a lot of demons from her childhood. That does not excuse her actions. She is a grown woman, she know right from wrong, she should know that ever thing she did that night was not okay. Like you say action reaction.

This is a hard time for us both. But this is the last chance. If she needs to blow off steam, get away from it all there is a right way and a wrong way to do so. No more stupid choices for a 30 year old married mother of four. She knows better. And that is the bottom line.

Threads merged

Okay I have to ask all the wives out there do you or have you ever looked your ex-boyfriends. Being more specific an ex that was your first love.

I have caught my wife looking up her first love/ex-boyfriend a couple times now. She has just said she was looking out of curiosity. She said she has no feelings for him, just stupid what if thoughts. I don't understand the what if feelings because she had a few chances with him and it ended up with him cheating on her.

So I guess I am insecure about it and don't understand why she feels like she would want to know where he was or what he is up to. We have been married for 9 years and I know she does not want to leave me. My fear is that it starts with looking him up then it could go to contacting him and then who knows where.

I just want to hear some opinions form some of the wives out there.

I'm not married but I tend to look up my ex bf's on FB. In particular my first love who I was engaged to.

It's kind of a sick fascination and a bit of a competitive thing for me. I like to know I'm doing better than him in life.

Nothing to be worried about though :)

I wouldn't worry about it. I am married and am very happy with my husband. I have gone on FB to look up all sorts of people including an ex. I was curious to see what he was up to. That's all I think your wife is doing. Just being curious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

Okay I have to ask all the wives out there do you or have you ever looked your ex-boyfriends. Being more specific an ex that was your first love..

Nope, I never, ever have, not out of idle curiosity, not for any other reason. It would have hurt my husband to find out I was "just checking" and I also don't care what my "ex's" are doing. If I did care, they wouldn't be "ex's."

We both look up people on "Classmates .com" but that's as far as it goes, and its just natural curiosity, but its not something we let get any further than idle curiosity. Don't be insecure over it, unless she is making actual contact.

I wonder if your insecurity starts here
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ry-303222.html

Threads merged

Okay I originally posted this back in January in the Marriage section. I now see I should have posted this here. The relationship section seems to get more traffic and better responses.

It has now been five months and I still feel like she had an affair that night. I am finding it very hard to deal with and can't stop thinking about it. We went through counseling and it helped in some ways. It help us with communication, understanding, and to rebuild trust. The rebuilding trust is a long slow road that we are still working on.

So I guess my question is how do I stop thinking about this night and move on with my and our life. I don't bring it up to her any more because that is not good for our relationship. So I live with this every day and I need to let it go. Any advise would be great.

So hears the story

Well this is a question I am sure has been asked a million times on this site. But now I am going through it and I am falling apart. Me and my wife been married for 9 years and have four children. We have a great relationship and get along great. We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

Well fast forward to dec 19th 2008. She is a server a restaurant. She and been working a few doubles to get extra money for Christmas. She called me at 3pm to say she was on a break and just wanted to check in. Then she text me at 11:30pm saying that when she was done cleaning up her and two friends that she works with were going to get a sandwich. I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her. Of course all the businesses were closed, her car was right in front of her work. So by this time its 3:30am I call her again, still no answer. At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and don't get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away. Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk. Me and the guy have a few words, he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car. I asked her who that was and she said it was a guy she works with.

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house. She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text. She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive. Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wife's cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.

I know this was probably a 1 time thing, but she sounds very irresponsible. She has 4 kids and she's out drinking all night. Luckly there was a sober guy. Imagine she was driving home drunk? Whether she cheated on you or not, you're luckly the guy helped out.

The fact is that you lost trust in her and she's got to regain your trust. Try to talk it out with her, but if you don't see her putting in the effort to regain your trust then nothing can change. If you don't see any progress in her behavior or counselling, then maybe it's time to consider breaking up with her.

Without trust, you cannot continue a relationship, you will only feel pain and suffering.

Communication, honesty and counseling are definitely what you need.

I certainly don't blame you for being upset. Was this a one-time only event, or has she disappeared before?

All I can is, waking up in the middle of the night and she is not there and no phone call, that's just wrong. You were worried and had to wake up the kids to go find her.

Let's assume she did cheat on you. Will counseling help? Can you rebuild the trust? Are you willing to try? Only time can answer these questions.

If her story is true, it was still extremely inconsiderate and dangerous.

Did she give any reasons she wanted to stay out all night after work in the first place?

Either way, there will be work involved--on both your parts--to save your marriage, which is what I assume you want to do.

Understanding and forgiveness, honest communication, and some time alone, away from work and kids are my suggestions.

Do not give up on the counseling. If you are not satisfied with the amount of counseling, try to go more often or if it's the counselor, look for a new one, but you need one, for objective advice and to teach you to communicate the heart of the issues.

I read all of that, and I have to ask I really don't understand what your looking for? Are you looking for confimation that she cheated? Are you looking for ideas to get her to admit it? Are you looking for ways to gain her trust? Are you looking for ways to forget about what may have happened?

With all due respect, The first thing that jumped out at me was she wears the pants in this family. She is in complete control of this relationship and leads you instead you leading her.

That has to change... and after 9 years it will be really easy or really hard. But she gets away with anything and everything and you allow it. There are no limits and this goes back to before you were married.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

We have had our ups and downs when we were dating and she would break up with me and not tell me why. She would just say that she did not want to be in a serious relationship any more, and then I would always find out from friends that there was always another guy. I know I know I was stupid for always taking her back but I love her very much and all I could see was what I wanted.

I hate to tell you this, but you realize that you were not your wife's first choice. She would keep you around in case the others never worked out... which they apparently did not. But you were always plan B. So even before the marriage she lost respect for you because you never stood up for yourself. You were never in control enough to put a stop this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

I asked her were and she told me they were going to a place just right down the street from her work. I told her to hurry because I missed her and she said I will.

How you word that caught my attention. You told her to hurry because you missed her, but that just gives her permission to take her time because again, she knows no matter what she does you'll always be right there waiting. To me you should have texted her back something like, "don't be later then 12:30" or "okay but make it quick." Your message to her reads like "do whatever you want, I'm just so head over heels in love that I'll wait right here for you like a good boy." and mine reads allows her to grab a bite with friends but also gives her direction.

Now this is one throw away line, but the point is I'm guessing you say things like this all the time, and women want a leader. They do not want, "I'm waiting for you and miss you and love you and can't wait to see you and I just want to hold you and when you get home you'll we'll be together and I just love you so much I can't stand it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

Well I wake up at 2:20am and she is not home. I text her "were are you" no answer. I call her at 2:30am no answer. 3:00am rolls around she is still home. At this point I am very worried so I load the kids up and drive down to her work to see if I can find her.

Cheating or not, what the hell is wrong with this woman? She has four kids at home and has no care in the world for herself or them to not either check in or keep her cell phone on? She is so irresponsible that she allows this to happen? I'm not saying the mother of 4 shouldn't have a night to enjoy herself with friends, but I've never heard of a mother leave their children without a way to get in contact. What on earth is wrong with her? Forget about you, what kind of mother is this? Then as we learn later, they have to be subjected to driving up and seeing her drunk a$$ in a car with another man. Quite the holiday season for the four young ones. As you learned while dating, she thinks about herself an awful lot, but I'm pretty sure most mothers usually think about their children and she subjected all 4 of them to this night. That is 100% her fault, all she had to do was speak up and say where she was going or leave her phone on. What a complete disaster.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

At 4:00am I text her "you or who ever your with needs to call me right now" she text back she was with her friend looking for keys in her car. I text her "were" no answer, call her no answer.

So you suspected something was going on since you included whoever she was with.

As a bonus, she was caught lying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

I was parked a couple hundred yards behind her car and after about five minutes a car pulls up behind hers. They sit there a while and don't get out. So I pull in front of her car and in the driver seat is a guy. I walked up to her side of the car and knock on her window. She was looking at him, she did not turn toward me right away.

Wow that's something. She won't even look at you when you wake all the kids up and chase her down at 4 am in a strange car with a strange guy. This woman has no respect for you at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

Finally he pointed at me and she looked at me, and he rolled down the window. She gets out and is VERY drunk.

I don't know, I've never been in this situation, but it seems odd that you show up to see your wife in another car with another guy and her first response is do just stay in the and your response is to do wait patiently outside until HE finally rolls down the window.

As I play this out in my head, I just think I'd be opening the door myself and if it was locked, demanding it be unlocked or taking action to get in. Now I know that's illegal to break into someone else's car, but I'm not stealing it... I'm trying to get my wife out. Maybe I wouldn't actually, I don't know, it just seems like you did what you always do, wait patiently no matter the situation because you'll always put up with it, and she knows it so she doesn't, even in this situation, so much as turn to acknowledge you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

Me and the guy have a few words,

For what reason?

Is this a joke? Your wife has treated you like second fiddle for over 9 years and you want to blame a guy in a car?

On this night alone, you caught her lying several times, she abandoned your children, she didn't respect you enough to tell you where she was at, and she doesn't even acknowledge you when you show up, and you start having words with HIM.

Have you ever had words with HER? I don't mean telling her to hurry cause you miss her, or going to a councelor to talk about your feelings. I mean flat out put her in her place and tell her what the rules of this relationship are and if she can't follow them, then you have and will demonstrate through your own actions that her treatment of you will not be tolerated? Demonstrate to her that you have one life and she is lucky enough to spend it with you, and not you waiting around for her? The problem as I have read is, she can do whatever she wants and you just put up with it.

All the love and understanding you give her and she doesn't give anything like that back to you. Can you honestly say this a fair relationship?

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

he ends up saying he was just helping out and he just gave her a ride back to her car.

You know I can't say. It looks bad, but at the same time I've given drunk married women a ride home before too. But if there husband would come out, I would unlock the door and explain I was givng a ride, which didn't happen here. I'd probably have to give the benefit of the doubt... since there is no real proof.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

She said they all went out and ended up back at her friend Jessica's house.

I've got no children. But if I had four and I left the restaurant to go to my friend Jessica's house, I'd call my spouse or who ever was watching them to let them know that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

She lost track of time and her phone was on silent so she just saw my one text.

What BS. You sent her several texts so they all would have popped up. Granted this is on my cell phone, but when it's on silient, a message is comes up telling me I have missed x number of calls. I don't know her phone, but she's probably got something like that too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

She swears nothing happened and he just gave her a ride, because he was the only one sober enough to drive.

So he was the only one sober but instead of taking her home, he took her back to her car... where she was going to apparently drive drunk and attempt to kill someone else. Great woman there. As someone who has witnessed a drunk driver cause an accident with serious injuries causing paralysis to a 14 year old boy, can you tell her to F-off for me. Unlike you I don't give a pass for attempted murder.

See this is what I'm talking about. You go to counceling I'd suggest putting her in her place. I shouldn't have to explain to a 16 year old that you don't drive drunk, but I sure as hell should never have to explain to a mother of 4 that you don't drive drunk. But, apparently this woman is so stupd, that you actually do have to explain it to her. That would be the first thing I would have done. If she didn't listen then she doesn't get to drive. If she doesn't listen, take her off the insurance. Why you want to take the fall time and again for this behavior is something I'd like you think long and hard about.

Why if she was so drunk wouldn't she just call you to come pick her up?

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

Well we get home and I read some other text on her phone. There were several back and forth from him to her, from that night. She sent him some saying, "your funny but cute" "you know I want you right" and so on. So by know I am really mad.

Finally! I was mad when she wanted to cause death to other people. For you she got a pass on lying, getting the kids up at 4 am, not telling you where she was, not responding to you, but finally it took text messsages.

She just keeps pushing you around and around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

She said that the text were from one of here friends she works with that went out with them and that she has a crush on him. This girl does not have a cell phone so my wife said she was using hers. My sister used to work there as well and she confirmed she dose use my wifes cell, and this girl dose have a crush on him.

So you have no proof.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DSM521

So here I am, we are now in counseling because I have lost my trust in her. Every day is hell and I don't know how to cope. Counseling is slow and this is really hard. Any advise.

I wouldn't trust her either. My question is why did you trust her to begin with? She always took advantage of you, and in times when she should take advantage of you, like calling for a ride when she's drunk she doesn't.

This still brings me back to my original question. What advice are you looking for? You can't just trust someone, so I don't know that we can offer you that, and she has to earn your trust which to be honest, she doesn't seem like she's really wanting to do. Maybe that's why this has taken so long. You probably want her to behave in a certain way, but your behavior has always taught her that she can do what she wants and you'll be there. Now, this is eating you up inside and you can't even tell her. So once again, she get's a free pass while you suffer. This isn't a fair relationship. She's not fair to you. You have expectations of her, and you can verbalize them, but until you start to back them up with actions and give her consquences for her actions this is the way it always be. She leads the relationship, and you have to lead it and it has to be with more then words it has to be with actions.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=4278159
Your so all over the place, I'm not sure what to tell you. But you had better let her know what is unacceptable behavior, and what is not.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search.php?searchid=4278159

Your so all over the place, I'm not sure what to tell you. But you had better let her know what is unacceptable behavior, and what is not.

That's unbelievable. In one thread he's got a great sex life, in the other he hasn't got any for 9 years.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chuff

That's unbelievable. In one thread he's got a great sex life, in the other he hasn't got any for 9 years.

What's the deal Chuff did I do something to piss you off.

Not that I need to answer your smart remark but has it ever crossed your mind that it is possible for a couple not to have a lot of sex but the sex they do have is great. It can happen you know.

If you read my thread about the loss in her sex drive I state that we have sex about once a week.

Do you get your jollies looking for things to badger people that are looking for help.

Do me a favor if you are not going to be helpful then don't answer my questions please.