Ok I don't know if I'm being really jealous... but my husband told me he had plans to go out with his work friends on a Friday night. I was fine with it... he had done this plenty of times when we were dating. We are newlyweds by the way... we've been married for over a month now.. and he hadn't gone out in a while. Anyway, he went out one Friday evening... to a restaurant/lounge... and I heard him come home around 2:30am. I also heard another voice with him.. a female voice. It got quiet after a few minutes.. and then I got out of bed to see what was going on.. and I saw a woman sprawled out on my couch.. with her head on my hubby's lap. And he was sitting upright.. and sleeping with his one arm around this girl. I was livid... and woke him up.. and asked him what is this.. he was drunk... and I went to my room. The girl got up.. and noticed I was upset.. and left. Now I really need some advice... im a new wife... and I do trust my husband.. but knowing that this woman was lying on his lap while I was alone in bed.. really got to me. Am I going overboard with this??

What was his explanation? I mean what idiot, with intentions of cheating, comes home to do it?

Your right to be upset, as that was really bad behavior, both being drunk, and bringing someone (a female no less) home with him.

Be mad, but jealous is a little too much! But I imagine you feel many things right now, and rightfully so.

Again, see what he has to say for himself, and decide what would be fair, as to him kissing your butt, and working oh, so hard to get you to forgive him.

Hope you haven't forgiven yet.

Omg. I understand that your upset! I agree with talaniman, you prob don't need to be jealous, but you have every right to be mad!and he really should do some crawling.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

What was his explanation?? I mean what idiot, with intentions of cheating, comes home to do it??

Your right to be upset, as that was really bad behavior, both being drunk, and bringing someone (a female no less) home with him.

Be mad, but jealous is a little to much! But I imagine you feel many things right now, and rightfully so.

Again, see what he has to say for himself, and decide what would be fair, as to him kissing your butt, and working oh, so hard to get you to forgive him.

Hope you haven't forgiven yet.

---

Well he finally got up... and he goes... babe are you mad at me... and I go... what do you think.. do you even remember anything that happened this morning. He goes he remembers I was upset with him. And then he told me the only reason she was sleeping on his lap.. was because he didn't want her pukin all over the couch... and he goes nothing happened. I told him it was not appropriate for him to bring some drunken woman home in the early hours of the morning. He then said sorry.. it won't happen again... but I'm really upset... I told him I can't get the image of the two of them out of my head. I am very upset... so I'm not ready to forgive him...

He deserves to stew in his juices for a while.

You have every right to be angry

Teach him a lesson that this behavior is not! What you want!

Let him STEW for a bit

Good luck

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

He deserves to stew in his juices for a while.

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After this incident on Friday... my husband said sorry.. and I said ill forgive him. However, deep down inside.. I really haven't. I still have the image of that stupid female friend of his lying on his lap.. and his arm around her. I know the next time he says he's going out.. I'll be wondering what is happening. I spoke with him last night and asked him how he acts when he's drunk and I'm not around... He said I have nothing to worry about. It's sad.. because we're newlyweds.. but I am starting to have doubts... thats not a good sign is it? I think a part of me does not trust him when he drinks... my mind is going around in circles today... I am very upset. I spoke to a very close friend of mine about this... and she was shocked. How do I move on from here? I have a long life ahead of me...

So this is what they mean when they say marriage is like a prison! (im never getting married!)

I sympathize with you, hope he does his best to convince you that it was nothing.

Seems a bit provocative to me, a possible sign of passive agressiveness, you should find out why exactly he took her home, since he's not dumb enough to think you won't notice there is very likely a deeper meaning to why he did it... (i.e. subconciously sabotaging something that he feels is constricting him )

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Originally Posted by DeleteAndBan

So this is what they mean when they say marriage is like a prison! (im never getting married!)

I sympathize with you, hope he does his best to convince you that it was nothing.

Seems a bit provocative to me, a possible sign of passive agressiveness, you should find out why exactly he took her home, since hes not dumb enough to think you wont notice there is very likely a deeper meaning to why he did it...(i.e. subconciously sabotaging something that he feels is constricting him )

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What I don't understand is... didn't he think.. ok maybe it's not a good idea taking her home. Because I know if I had a male friend who was drunk.. I would think twice about bringing that person home... I would consider my hubby's feelings. And another thing I'm wondering about.. is how the hell did he bring her up to our apartment. Because the girl was gone... fallin all over the place.. so I'm now wondering how he handled her physically...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by helpless112

what i don't understand is...didn't he think..ok maybe it's not a good idea taking her home. because i know if i had a male friend who was drunk..i would think twice about bringing that person home...i would consider my hubby's feelings. and another thing im wondering about..is how the hell did he bring her up to our apartment. because the girl was gone....fallin all over the place..so im now wondering how he handled her physically......

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Exactly my point, most people of course realise that waking up with a girl in the house is a very provocative thing to do! He probably knew it was going to lead to a fight but subconciously he wants to have an argument/fight with you for some reason. The question is what deeper reason he has for acting this way?

And he probably carried/supported her the way up to the apartment, but that would be the least of my worries.

How old are you guys?
Because he sounds like a real young guy

Don't let him use the.. I was DRUNK card

Because that is B.S and yeah.. I would not have been so forgiving. That's for sure

I mean what a slap in the face.
You guys JUST got married

And he not only gets drunk with a friend
But he brings Her come and sleeps with her on his Couch! With her arms round him?


Looking at this from outside.

It seems to me you have married a muppet.
The trust is gone.
And it will be so hard for him to re build it.

OOOOOk I really really need advice here. I hope someone can help me... but it's 4:30 in the morning... and I'm starting to have doubts about my marriage. Why you ask? Well last night my husband had a xmas dinner to go to at a co-workers house. Now he told me about this a week in advance... but the only thing is... he never invited me. He just said he was going out with his work group to a dinner at a co-workers house. Now I was fine with this.. but I was bothered that he never invited me.. but at the same time.. I really didn't care to go. His co-workers are a bit stuck up... and I really didn't want to waste my Friday night making useless conversation. Anyway, my hubby left at 7.. he got picked up by his boss.. and it is now 4:30am... I am up and can't sleep.. I mean where the #$$$% IS HE? I called his cell.. he's not answering... so now I find myself having doubts about being married.. and I'm starting to hate this so called work group of his. About 3 weeks ago... they all went out and got drunk.. and my husband came home with a female co-workers who was also drunk. They were both passed out on my sofa!! I don't know what to think or do... we've only been married for 2 & 1/2 months... now I see why people question getting married. Things were great when me and the hubby were dating.. but now I find things have changed. I'm starting to hate this work group of his... they are all married.. but they don't act like it. They all act like they are single... his boss has a wife and 2 kids.. and I remember my husband telling me that his boss was having marital problems.. because he's never home. But now I feel as though his boss is draggin my husband with him. Because I'm seriously having doubts.. and wondering what I should do. I'm sooooooo glad that I never bought property with my husband... we're just renting right now... and if things don't work out.. I can leave whenever... I remember before the marriage.. we were looking to buy a house... but now... im soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo glad we didn't.. . but I need some advice.. im sitting here worried about my husband.. he doesn't even call!! I mean come on.. I don't mind him going out.. but he's not single.. he's got a wife to think about... and his co-workers have families too... don't they give a damn??

Has the nervousness you are experiencing been a problem for you before?

Is it a repeat thing to be upset by possibly benign situations?

If not,you are probably in the right about this being a wrong action on his part.you are married,this looks to have little meaning to him.Communication is a huge problem here.You 2 should be in the pink cloud phase,being just married so recently.

It seems like he has achieved his conquest of landing the perfect patsy,you have allowed him to 'move in' with his bosses activities,to follow the same path as his co-workers.

Does the marriage seem worth saving?That's up to you(and him)

Remember I am under the assumption that you aren't the player or the antagonist,that he is the one doing the questionable activity.

Your honesty and openness will help in your future responses.

KBC

Well this is the second time he has gone out with his work buddies.since we got married that is. Other weekends he was working late... so that's why I'm upset.. because the one weekend where he wasn't working... he went out with his work friends all night...
When we were dating... he went out every weekend with his work friends... but it didn't bother me so much because we didn't live together... since we're together now... I see it happening... and I feel alone. Seems like he'd rather go out than spend time with me... during the week we get sooooo busy with work and all... we don't really have quality time to spend with each other. We usually pass out after dinner.. or he spends time in front of the TV. I do feel that our communication is dwindling.. it never used to be like that during our dating days. I do love him.. but at the same time.. I don't want to live my life wondering where he is when he's gone out at all hours of the night. And I'm stuck at home alone. All I know is.. I'm going to hold off on having kids and buying a place until things are settled between us... they say the first year of marriage is the toughest... :(

First year? try the 7th... lol

My marriage was OK till the 7th and my boundaries were crossed over for the last time,I got out while I could.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-283838.html

Seeing as how you didn't want to go with him, then you better relax, as having read your other post, you obviously are not working together well at all, and your having a problem adjusting to living together.

He seems to have a lot of things he does that you didn't know about, and its best to keep your head, and learn to discuss your feelings in a non threatening, or blaming way.

You really need to learn to talk to each other, and at least work together to establish rules, and boundaries, of good behavior to benefit you both. He obviously needs to adjust what, and how he does his thing, but it's a process you have to keep working at, and you must control your actions, and reactions.

Just curious, as to how long you dated before you got married, as it seems like his behavior hasn't changed, but you sure expect it to.

When you were dating you went out together, so why are you staying at home and letting him go out by hisself?

You care less for his friends?

Sorry but if he is acting single and you are just letting him go by hisself.

Ask you? He told you there was a dinner, that should be your key that OK we are going. Again not dating, married, you are told of events and just go,

You should relax and not let your thoughts take you to very strange places.

Yeah he took that co worker home and let her sleep on the couch.. that would be a big issue for me to get over. And it would be hard for me to trust someone once they went out.

Even more so if the same girl was there.

When he gets home. Take him out over the weekend. For lunch or something and have a nice talk with him

Let him know your fears and how you feel.
He may just say oh stop it don't be silly.

But don't get shut down. Tell him in a calm way.. that that sofa girl. Plus the late night party has got you a bit worried.. and talk about working together. Trying to re build the trust issue.


If I was in your place I would be feeling the same way. I mean if my girl came home with a co worker snuggling on the sofa. I would go insane! Even more so if I was married.

Anyway I hope you guys work this out
As you know it is a marriage and it is a lot of work.

All the best

So my husband and I have been married for 6 months now. And to be honest... at this point.. I don't really know if I do enjoy marriage. I enjoyed it more when me and my man were dating. The reason being is that when we were dating, we did things together more often. But now that we're married, we sit at home a lot because we keep saying that we have to save money. But the thing that really bugs me, is that my hubby goes out with his friends every now and then on a Friday night. Now I'm all for having space from each other... but he does a lot more with his friends. And he spends a lotta money when he does go out with them. I opened up to him and told him that it gets boring when we just sit at home all the time.. and that we should do something every now and then. But he gets lazy about it... And I've been thinking about pregnancy lately... im worried because I'm 33 and my clock is ticking. My husband says he's not ready to have kids yet... and I'm sure he's not ready because he still likes to party every now and then.. but then I don't want to have a child and be the only one taking care of it while he's out having a good ole time with his friends till the morning. Does anyone have any tips or advice... when my husband goes out he parties like he's single... he doesn't involve me... he says nobody else brings their spouses.

Why don't you go out with your friends with out him? Tell him if you aren't going to take me out and have fun I am going to do it on my own.

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Originally Posted by spitvenom

Why don't you go out with your friends with out him? Tell him if you aren't going to take me out and have fun I am going to do it on my own.

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But lets say she says "I wanna go out with you" or else (ultimatum) I am going to go out on my own.

Do you really want to give ultimatums you don't really want to follow through with? I mean.. does she really want to go out on her own? It doesn't sound like it.. I mean, I would want to go out with my woman, and vice versa. I would stick with the confronting and telling him portion, but I wouldn't threaten him with a alternative... I just think that will lead to more trouble later on.

Also, if you are unsure about the marriage the last thing you want is a kid.. especially if the main motivation is a ticking clock. Children should come when both parties involved are ready for it... sometimes it doesn't work out that way, but it's the ideal way.

Sounds like you really need to talk to your husband. This seems like an issue that the two of you should work out together.

Communication is the key.

She already told her husband she was bored he didn't care. So next step is to go out own her own. Sure she wants to go out with her husband but he obviously doesn't want to. So dreaming should she just sit in the house and be miserable and bored? Or should she put her foot down and say I am going out? I know what I would do and I know what my wife would do also.

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Originally Posted by spitvenom

She already told her husband she was bored he didn't care. So next step is to go out own her own. Sure she wants to go out with her husband but he obviously doesn't want to. So dreaming should she just sit in the house and be miserable and bored? Or should she put her foot down and say I am going out? I know what I would do and I know what my wife would do also.

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I'm not sure how you interpret marriage, but there should not be anymore mind games. He didn't forbid her to go out with her friends, so she can go out with her friends anytime. That's not going to solve the problem.

You don't just bring up the problem one time, no solution and then give up. It's only been a 6 month marriage, so the communication system is in its early stages. This is an example of when the communication can be developed.

Just talk to him again. Avoiding the problem is not going to solve anything, it just increases the tension and puts distance between the two of you.

Maybe I'm a little slow but how is telling someone exactly what you want and then doing it playing mind games?

As far as the spending money goes,I would be very firm about that.
If your trying to plan for the future all money decisions should be agreed upon.

You should each have a budget for *entertainment* and no one should be able to exceed the amount they are allowed.

If he wants time with friends,that's O.K. as long as he spends some quality time with you as well.One Friday he goes with his buddies and the next Friday is date night for you two.

On his night with friends,go out with your friends or take a class.
Better yet take a class together.Maybe a class for newlyweds.

The key ingredient to a successful marriage is not love,that's easy,it is communication.

There are tons of articles on line about effective communication and getting your message heard using*I* statements and how to fight fair.

Marriage is work!

Just because he still likes to party sometimes does not necessarily make him a poor candidate for fatherhood. I would not necessarily put off having kids for that reason alone.Unless it is excessive.Some people only come up to the plate when it's the last inning .Meaning,he will accept the responsibility when it arrives.

As long as he is behaving like an adult and knows when to call it quits,I think he is as capable as any guy is before the actual event.

Remember ,the first year of marriage is the hardest and it is also the time when you set the precedent for the rest of your marriage.

Develop good communication now and it will see you through the coming years.

I think we all need some more background into this story

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-283838.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-294082.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...es-299843.html

Just to show that there have been problems in this young marriage for a while

First Helpless, not sure if you work or not, but do know you need your own life that makes you happy, besides being a wife? Yes, your husband has made a few mistakes, and a real lack of communication, and willingness to work together is very glaring.

Its quite obvious the resentments over his lack of care has you very angry, and rightfully so. He sounds like a butt-hole most times, and is taking you for granted.

Do you work? Leave a few days, and let your own emotions settle, and get a plan of action that he respects, as partners must set the boundaries of their relationship, so define to each other what's acceptable, and what isn't.

Knowing the rules, gives you directions, and goals, so you know what to do for yourself, and your partner, within the structure of the marriage.

Marriage is a lot of work, and if you both can't be on the same page, all the work in the world won't keep you together.

So take a break for a day or two to get his attention, and see if talking and listening can help.

If I came home at 4:30 in the morning, I'd be sleeping on the couch, or porch, no telling where he should be after a few times of this disrespectful behavior.

You have put up with enough.

Even tho you are married and share your lives together you are still an individual. Your life before the marriage doesn't have to change and going out with your own friends is okay but does not need to be used as an ultimatum or a manipulation. Keep those mind games out of the marriage. You need to take responsibility for your own feelings about the situation and do not depend on him to keep you from being bored. Those are your feelings and he did not cause them. The marriage is very new and both of you are still learning how to be married verses dating.

You may have to take the lead in keeping the romance alive because some men are just not good in this area especially after marriage. Try suggesting a new restaurant you would like to try out, or not even have to be a new one but perhaps one you both enjoy and make reservations for two. Go see a movie. If money is an issue there are low cost, fun things to do if you look. If you both enjoy the clubs then make a night out for the two of you.

Another suggestion would be to get together with his buddies wives and plan an all together night out with his buddies and their wives. Maybe a bar-b-q or something.

The point is if you are bored in your marriage then you need to get proactive and take responsibility for your own boredom. Don't make it his fault and get creative.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think we all need some more background into this story

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-283838.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...le-294082.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...es-299843.html

Just to show that there have been problems in this young marriage for a while

First Helpless, not sure if you work or not, but do know you need your own life that makes you happy, besides being a wife? Yes, your husband has made a few mistakes, and a real lack of communication, and willingness to work together is very glaring.

Its quite obvious the resentments over his lack of care has you very angry, and rightfully so. He sounds like a butt-hole most times, and is taking you for granted.

Do you work?? Leave a few days, and let your own emotions settle, and get a plan of action that he respects, as partners must set the boundaries of their relationship, so define to each other whats acceptable, and what isn't.

Knowing the rules, gives you directions, and goals, so you know what to do for yourself, and your partner, within the structure of the marriage.

Marriage is a lot of work, and if you both can't be on the same page, all the work in the world won't keep you together.

So take a break for a day or two to get his attention, and see if talking and listening can help.

If I came home at 4:30 in the morning, I'd be sleeping on the couch, or porch, no telling where he should be after a few times of this disrespectful behavior.

You have put up with enough.

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Can't rep you Tal but a complete background sure puts a whole different spin on things.I never remember to look at past threads.Given the history ,I totally agree with your take on this.Apparently,no one told this guy the rules of marriage and commitment.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

If I came home at 4:30 in the morning, I'd be sleeping on the couch, or porch, no telling where he should be after a few times of this disrespectful behavior.

You have put up with enough.

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I'd be sleeping outside as well, more than likely with all my stuff, conveniently broken because she accidentally dropped it while moving it.