Ask Me Help Desk - Is my husband cheating?

Is my husband cheating?

I have been married for 12yrs and have a 2yr son. My husband & I fight a lot and my son hears it. I know it is not good for him. The one reoccurring fight is over sex. I want to have it and he doesn't. We are both in our early-mid thirties, but this has been going on for pretty much our whole marriage. We are both over weight. He blames his sex drive on that and that I have a hormonal problem. He has hide buying porn from me, but I caught him numerous times. When he watches porn, he does not want to have sex. I have caught him in lies. I have found hairs that should not be where there were and he has not explanation for them. I have only one idea of who they could have been... another woman's. They were in a sleeping bag that he took with him on a "fishing/camping" trip with a buddy. That was a long time ago, but I can't let it go. He would never come clean, I would have to catch him first. He is paranoid.. he thinks that his boss is tapping his phone and gps tracking him. I go along to avoid a fight. We go months without having sex.. not just 1 or 2 sometimes as many as 3 or 4! Not by my choice either, I try at least once or twice a month. I get turned down about 8-9 times out of 10.. honestly! I get the excuses... I am tired, I don't feel good, just no excuse and the latest he wanted to see a TV show. His reasoning is that we have a son and he needs to lose weight... and it is my fault and I have the sexual problem-that I want sex way too much and that I am not a good wife. He has told me too many times to count that he would change and has not. He says it is my fault he has not lost weight. I am so tired of being hurt.. I love my son and my husband, but he has hurt me too many times. How can he love me and treat me this way. I believe that he has at least cheated once, but not sure... I can not prove it. Is he cheating now? Should I kick him out again, but for good?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyangler

I have been married for 12yrs and have a 2yr son. My husband & I fight a lot and my son hears it. I know it is not good for him. The one reoccurring fight is over sex. I want to have it and he doesn't. We are both in our early-mid thirties, but this has been going on for pretty much our whole marriage. We are both over weight. He blames his sex drive on that and that I have a hormonal problem. He has hide buying porn from me, but I caught him numerous times. When he watches porn, he does not want to have sex. I have caught him in lies. I have found hairs that should not be where there were and he has not explanation for them. I have only one idea of who they could have been...another woman's. They were in a sleeping bag that he took with him on a "fishing/camping" trip with a buddy. That was a long time ago, but I can't let it go. He would never come clean, I would have to catch him first. He is paranoid..he thinks that his boss is tapping his phone and gps tracking him. I go along to avoid a fight. We go months without having sex.. not just 1 or 2 sometimes as many as 3 or 4! Not by my choice either, I try at least once or twice a month. I get turned down about 8-9 times out of 10..honestly! I get the excuses...I am tired, I don't feel good, just no excuse and the lastest he wanted to see a tv show. His reasoning is that we have a son and he needs to lose weight...and it is my fault and I have the sexual problem-that I want sex way too much and that I am not a good wife. He has told me too many times to count that he would change and has not. He says it is my fault he has not lost weight. I am so tired of being hurt..I love my son and my husband, but he has hurt me too many times. How can he love me and treat me this way. I believe that he has at least cheated once, but not sure...I can not prove it. Is he cheating now? Should I kick him out again, but for good?

It really is impossible to say whether he is cheating - that is something you should just come right out and ask him - then base your decision on his answer and all the feelings you get when he answers (being together 12 years means you should know when he answers, if he is full of or not).

If he has not cheated and he loves and respects you, he is going to tell you as much. If he has - he will get overly upset and make a huge deal out of it, and a couple minutes later, you will be standing there with all the blame on your head.

That seems to be how it always works.

Take care of yourself and your son - the fact that you both feel the need to fight in front of your son means if you are having a hard time kicking him out based on what you think he might be doing behind your back and his poor behavior - then at the very least, protect your kid.

I have confronted him. He is very good at lying! I caught him buying porn and had proof! He still lied straight to face and I would have believed him if I didn't have proof! That happened when I was pregnant and we were both going to church. The whole time I was pregnant, he would not touch me with a ten foot pole. He swore that he would change, but hasn't.. my son is now 2yrs old. My husband is very, very good at covering up his tracks... I learned that quickly the hard way and he is just as good at lying. I can't find any porn anywhere, that is another reason I suspect cheating. I am not financially stable enough, but I know it is not good for our son right now. He uses our son saying I will destroying our son life if I divorce him. What is it doing to our son now?

How to catch a cheating spouse?

Any suggestions? Don't have the money for a pi. I do have a some good friends that would help.

I really need some suggestions. He very good at covering his tracks so if anyone could think of anything it might just help?

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyangler

Any suggestions? Don't have the money for a pi. I do have a some good friends that would help.

Depends on what you want to do with the information. I'm sure you realize that following/watching/catching a cheating spouse is not as easy as it might sound and the burden of proof (if you feel this is for a legal purpose) is complicated.

Beware of taping phone conversations - people recommend that course of action all the time and it's a felony in some States.

I have no idea what's going on here (of course) but I do this for a living, have for some time, and I've twice had guns pulled on me.

(This should be combined with your other post to make it easier for people to answer.)

No, nothing illegal. Just some sort of proof! He has and will destroy any paper trail that he can. I have thought about following him, but he notices very things well. I could check his cell phone calls, but without him know it might be hard. Anyone have any ideas, I am getting with a friend tomorrow at lunch and I know she will help me. And I can trust her!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyangler

No, nothing illegal. Just some sort of proof! He has and will destroy any paper trail that he can. I have thought about following him, but he notices very things well. I could check his cell phone calls, but without him know it might be hard. Anyone have any ideas, I am getting with a friend tomorrow at lunch and I know she will help me. And I can trust her!

The only way to know what he's doing and where he's doing it is to follow him - and that's difficult if he doesn't have a set schedule, for example, "bowling" every Tuesday night. And then you see if that's really where he is.

If he doesn't have a set schedule then it's a matter of being alert and alerting your friend when he's going out.

Doesn't his cell phone bill list all of his calls, both in and out?

If he's involved with someone at work, then the workplace has to be watched.

He has a work cell. We don't get the bill. He also deletes his history on the computer. He doesn't wear his wedding band.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyangler

He has a work cell. We don't get the bill. He also deletes his history on the computer. He doesn't wear his wedding band.

Here's my professional opinion in the order you listed them: trouble, trouble, trouble.

Have any idea if it's true who might be involved with?

How about money? Is he spending more money lately?

Another sign is cologne - is he suddenly wearing cologne or new cologne?

Also does he come home freshly showered and/or shaved? BIG SIGN is when "he" comes home from - as I said - bowling, all freshly showered.

I don't know what State you are in and I personally don't recommend this - although it certainly was part of the investigative process for any number of years - but in some States an offending spouse can be trapped by a plant, hanging out in the same bar, whatever it takes. NYS no longer allows it.

Instead of throwing him out tell your husband you need a little bit of space to sort thing out. If you're at the point where there is no sexual activity or thinks he's cheating. A women 6th sense is always right. To tell you the truth you don't need proof, his action speak for itself. Sit down and think about your happiness, divorce can be a sad and painful process but you have to do what's best for you and your son.

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Originally Posted by DonaldM_23

Instead of throwing him out tell your husband you need a little bit of space to sort thing out. If you're at the point where there is no sexual activity or thinks he's cheating. A women 6th sense is always right. To tell you the truth you don't need proof, his action speak for itself. Sit down and think about your happiness, divorce can be a sad and painful process but you have to do what's best for you and your son.

There are two different threads combined here - I've been answering the "how to find out if he's cheating" thread.

If the question is should OP go or should OP stay or what should OP do - I agree with you.

Whenever I am hired I give the same speech - if you are so unhappy or uncertain or insecure that you are ready to pay someone to find out what's going on, why don't you just ask him/her or why don't you just leave? If I find nothing you are going to think I didn't do a good job. If I find something you are going to be very unhappy and then what are you going to do? Either way it's going to cost you money and you aren't going to be happy with the result.

Things changed drastically once proof of adultery was no longer needed to get a divorce or bargain for support.

Plant? Are you talking about "planting" another woman?
He won't leave. I have told him to leave before for that reason. I would have to get legally separated from him for that.
With my husband's job he travels all over the local counties. I had a talk with my best friend and she think's he is cheating also. She is going to keep a look out and some of her coworker friends also. She has a job traveling all over the counties also, but a totally different job than my husband's. I know I can trust her 100%.

The worst mistake is getting friends and co-workers involved in your personal life. When a marriage is in trouble the worst thing a lot of people do is get other people involve. Unless you have a pastor, marriage counselor or someone. Leave friends and family far away, they will just fill you up with bad advice. Deal with it like a women, he is your husband and the problem lays between the both of you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyangler

plant? Are you talking about "planting" another woman?
He won't leave. I have told him to leave before for that reason. I would have to get legally separated from him for that.
With my husband's job he travels all over the local counties. I had a talk with my best friend and she think's he is cheating also. She is going to keep a look out and some of her coworker friends also. She has a job traveling all over the counties also, but a totally different job than my husband's. I know I can trust her 100%.

Right. Sorry about that. At one time an attractive woman would sit wherever the suspected cheating husband was, start a conversation, see where it went. She was paid to be there.

I don't know this was ever done in reverse - for wives suspected to be cheating.

This is also the stuff of TV but it did happen at one time.

I believe - and my Canadian cohorts can probably confirm this - this is still legal in Canada.

If you are unhappy and he won't talk about it, why don't you file for a legal separation? Or is there some reason - religious or otherwise - that you don't want to do that - ?

Buy setting your husband up, what will that prove? Instead of trying to find fault and evidence. You need to find what's best for you.

If that's the case.. why am I on here asking for advice? My friend is also like a sister. We grew up together. Now my mom on the other hand... NO I will not get her involved or any other family member or friend. You're right I need some help from someone. My friend is all that I got. As I stated before, he will not go to marriage counselor. Our pastor is his Uncle... his dad's brother! He will not go there either. I am the only one in this marriage that will confess that there is a problem.

Wow... I think a separation is needed right now.

I am very religious. I believe it is a sin to get divorced and unsure if it is okay to remarry. I get told by my husband and his parents that divorce is a sin and if you remarry after divorce then you are commenting adultery unless your original spouse is dead. I don't think a plant would work with him. He is very cautious and sly.

Sorry, DonaldM_23. I didn't mean to come off sounding harsh. I know you are trying to help. I do understand what you are saying and appreciate you replys.

Biblically it does say remarrying is a sin... But the bible also states that if your spouse commites infidelity you have every grounds to divorce.

Don't get me wrong. I think that you can get forgiveness for divorce. I am just unsure about getting remarried. I have friends that have gotten divorced and remarried and are devoted Christians. I can't see God sending them to hell for getting remarried. This is why divorce is not an easy choice for me. I know that my husband loves his son and is a good father also and that my family is so important to me. I hope that if I can prove that he is cheating then he will get help. I also believe once a cheater aways a cheater! Am I thinking foolishly or just loving blind?

Getting remarried is NOT a sin!

I'm not a pro but I've been through a divorce. I was also a devoted christian, you absolutely love your husband. On the other hand why stay in a miserable situation. Life is about happiness and learning, you've learn that your not happy in this marriage. I know it's tough to just walk away. It's a move that needs to be done.

I have had it pointed out to me that is says "fornication" is stated in the verse that you are talking about and that fornication is different than adultery. Fornication is before you get married and adultery is after your get married. (Matt 5:31,32) Once you ask forgiveness are not the sins as far as the East to the West? And divorce is a sin no different than any other sin? Anyway this is way I am having problems with the just leave him and get divorced and get it over with.

I agree. You do not have to stay in this relationship.

And Biblically, when you are married-you create a covenant between God and your spouse. When a spouse cheats, that covenant is broken. That's why God gave Moses the law of divorce. If you can forgive your husband...

And he can change then stay together but if you or he cannot-than your are correct -biblically- to divorce.

Thank you all for you help. I greatly appreciate it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ladyangler

I have had it pointed out to me that is says "fornication" is stated in the verse that you are talking about and that fornication is different than adultery. Fornication is before you get married and adultery is after your get married. (Matt 5:31,32) Once you ask forgiveness are not the sins as far as the East to the West? And divorce is a sin no different than any other sin? Anyways this is way I am having problems with the just leave him and get divorced and get it over with.

In your case it's infidelity or adultery whatever way you want to interpert it. Biblically if the grounds of divorce are met, in the eyes of god you can get a divorce. The pastors might say it's a sin, but biblically it's not.

Your situation was not Gods plan for marriage. You are so justified in a divorce. I'm rooting for you!

It sounds like there is no love in this marriage and lack of communication and trust. I don't understand why your husband don't wear his wedding band that is a sign of disrespect to the marriage. Your husband is trying to blame you for everything and that is unfair. He's a grown man and if he's overweight and want to change then he should. If your husband went camping with his buddies years ago then maybe the hair is one of theirs, it don't have to belong to a women. If he don't want to go to marriage counselling then that's a problem, you don't have seek counselling from the pastor of your church, especially since their related, seek help from an outsider.

Living like this is unhealthy, especially mentally. There' is a child in the house and it's unfair for the child to see this. Maybe he's cheating, maybe not, maybe it's all in your head. I understand you might not want to get a divorce due to religious reason but can you continue living like this. A marriage will only work if the two people involved makes it works but it seems like your husband is not willing to make it work and instead of taking the heat, he's blaming you for everything but you needs to really think about what you want and then act on it.

There was a lot of very long curly/wavy very dark brown hairs. My husband and his buddy had short brown hair at the time. (shorter than my husbands brother) Mine was long blonde and straight as a board. I will never forget what they looked like. I have never had dark brown hair. My husband tried to say they were mine, then he said they were his brothers that was suppose to have borrowed the sleeping bag and finally he said that they were his. His brothers did have shoulder length hair about half the length of these hairs. So I ask his brother right in front of my husband and he agreed with me.. he did not borrow my sleeping bag.

If he lied or not, you forgave him once you stayed with him. So it's either your over it or not but your not. Your marriage needs a lot of fixing but it's up two the both of you not one.

liz28.. I agree with you. It's just hard to trust him especially when I still catch him in lies about this sort of stuff. The ONE is the problem... when it needs to be TWO.

liz28 congrat's on you baby!

Thanks everyone... I have a lot of thinking and praying to do... then a big talk of which I don't know what I am going to say yet.. but thanks for all the help.

Thank you! Your husband seems to be a complusive liar and if he don't want to seek help to work on the marriage that's sad. It shows what type of person he is. You shouldn't be living like this, it will only bring you down and no one should ever bring you down and leave you feeling the way he makes you feels.

He is not going to admit he's cheating, even if he is. Whether that is going on, there are significant issues that need to be addressed before the marriage can be a good one for both of you. You will not be able to improve it much on your own without cooperation from him, which you are not getting yet (& may never).

This book may help you:

Amazon.com: Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering And Dealing With Infidelity: Danine Manette: Books

If you have tried to lovingly talk to him & are getting nowhere, then you will have to do something different.

Most likely, it will take professional assistence to get you guys going in a different direction from where your marriage is going now. And you will have to take a firm stand that the way it has been isn't acceptable to you. He's not going to do anything differently until you add consequences to his refusal to work with you to make this a mutually good marriage. .

Good luck to you!

Honestly I would say financially stable or not there's always public aid willing to help you. I'm 7 months pregnant right now and my boyfriend and I's relationship isn't going so well but I know that I'll be OK regardless of if I'm with my boyfriend or not. And trust me it will not ruin your son's life if you divorce him. I have divorced parents and I turned out just fine. Just because your parents aren't in love doesn't mean they don't love you. And besides you shouldn't be with someone who blames you for their weight. They weigh what they weigh because of their eating and lifestyle habits and if they wanted to lose weight then they would. It sounds to me he's just mentally abusing you and that's not healthy for you. Whether you love him or not you shouldn't have to put yourself through that.