I'm very unhappy in my marriage. My wife and I have a very poor sex life, she has never been very sexual, which was a reservation that I had when we got married. To complicate matters, about 7 years ago she started to gain weight. I tried to gently hint to her to take action, but she didn't respond. Over the years as she continued to gain I tried more desperate attempts to get her to understand that she was destroying her physical attractiveness to me. Nothing worked. She did join weight watchers for a few months, and lost about 20 lbs. But then she just quit and never, ever gave losing weight a serious attempt again. When we married she was about 140 lbs. now she's somewhere in the 200+ range. This whole thing makes me feel like she is selfish, and thoughtless with my happiness in the relationship. I don't want to leave her, but I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life either. I have remained thin and in shape, so it's not like I'm asking her to do something that I'm not. I don't demand that she be a size 2 or something like that. Just that she would stop gaining and put effort into getting down to a size 10 or so. I could be happy with that. Her weight gain bothers me, but more than that, it's that she knows that it bothers me, and knows that it's hurting our marriage, but refuses to do anything about it. The message to me, is that she just doesn't give a @#!* about my feelings and happiness. Just keep bringing home the paycheck and shut up! What should I do? I won't live this way forever. This issue and issues about $ are the 2 biggies. The $ I think I have figured out, but I don't know how get her to understand the level of frustration and anger I have with her weight. As a kid I used to have great fears of being stuck in a marriage with an over weight spouse. Help!

Why don't you two get a *legal* separation, and live life as single people for 6 months to a year?

That would get you both the experience you need to know if any real feelings remain... to see if each of you can overcome your faults... also, get a realistic view of what is out there.

Best wishes,

Your so worried about her weight gain, and are so quick to blame her being lazy, and selfish, you have closed your mind to any other factors that are involved. Maybe she is as unhappy with you, and your ways as you are with her.

Lack of honest communications here, I suspect. Are there kids involved??

Pffft...

You 2 sound like us (just add 4 kids to the picture)

From the bottom of my heart I have to say that there is probably more going on.

When Mike and I met I was around 150 lbs (though I told him that was the thinnest I had been in 5 years)... he started to hint that I was getting chubby about 2 years in to our relationship and then came baby #2... Then 2 years later came baby #3 and then (YOU GUESSED IT LOL) in 2007 came baby #4...

Couple of things for you to know here... I am a vegetarian, and I don't eat candy, drink soda, etc... I even joined a gym and worked out for 2 hours a day 6 days a week for 3 months... I lost not one pound but in fact gained 2...

Talk to her, she may need to go see a doctor, be tested for hormones, thyroid, etc...

However, I have had all these tests done, and they were "negative"... I still can't lose the weight and hover around 210.

I would almost bet the low sex drive is associated with her feeling bad about the way she looks now... I know it's a huge problem for me.

WOW. OK first of all, it sounds like you're being a little selfish here. I don't mean to offend you, but have you read your post? You're coming across as very vain and superficial. I just want you to know that because if you're talking to your wife like this it's no wonder she's overweight!

I think it's important that we are attracted to our partners. I agree with you on this. Perhaps hinting at the symptom isn't the best way to get your wife's attention. Weight gain could be a result of depression, anxiety or even a thyroid problem. There could be something or someone in her life that is really bothering her.

I would help her pinpoint the problem by arranging for some consult with a third party, whether it be a doctor, nutritionist, or a counselor. She's not going to want to hear you say you think she's fat, but I'm sure she will eventually appreciate that you cared enough about her and your relationship to help her figure out the problem.

Good luck.

I'm sorry in what you're going through. I don't hear in your initial post that you're trying to be critical, but rather, honest about how you see things. I'm guessing (un-professionally), that your wife has a pretty low self image, hence, the weight gain, albeit if not a medical reason.

I'm a bit surprised no one has suggested counseling. Do you have a church you attend, and perhaps getting to talk to others, meeting folks in a healthy environment, having some common interests, but importantly... talking. I mean REALLY talking, hearing what the other is saying w/out trying to "be heard" yourself.

I find when my husband & I don't talk, it helps to just get out, go for coffee somewhere, and really try and communicate w/each other. (As a woman, I find that when we're really connecting, it's a huge turn on for me to want to be with him).

This is all advise, from someone who's been married 31+ yrs. But is still struggling.

Hang in there, and whatever you do, don't look at a separation or divorce .

I read one book before there's a line there that caught my attention. It says "When a woman doesn't try to be attractive to her partner, he will think that she doesn't love him." I ask me guy friends, some disagreed but Marky1112 is one of the "member".

I will be hurt when when my partner will love me less just because I gained weight (for whatever reason: birth, thyroid problems). Women are not visual but emotional so might as well ask "honey, do you still love me?" she will say yes. "Are you still happy with me?" she will say yes (or... ) "How come you don't look glowing? I am just concerned you are problematic with the life I provide for our family. You will make me the happiest person on earth if you will get back in shape. This time I can't help but worry."

Go to counselling and yes you may separate homes in a meantime.

Destoying her physical attractiveness, you say. No, you are destroying whatever chance the relationship has by listening to your own old tapes. You were afraid to end up with a fat spouse, now you have. Quit worrying about what other people think. And quit whining in fear!

What do you have right now? Do you want to improve it, or end it? If your wife has never been very sexual with you, have you considered that you may be half of that problem? A wife who has orgasms with her husband wants to have sex! Get counselling. Improve your communication skills. Be kind and patient, not angry, scared and whiney.

That may sound harsh, if you're a little boy. I trust that you're not.

I personally have never had a weight problem, but from what I hear it is not very easy to lose weight.

I understand your frustration though, it does help to be attracted to your partner, but love is supposed to be unconditional.

I wonder if you are such a bargin!

I'm not going to fault you for being honest that your wife's weight gain is causing you problems. Biologically we choose people we think are healthy mates to produce healthy children and who will live as long as we do. If you are healthy and your wife isn't, there is a chance you could lose her earlier than you would wish. Also, it poses problems in terms of doing things together as a couple. If you want to do active things and she wants to sit on the couch all the time, that's a huge problem. These problems are real even if this is a sensitive issue.

On the other hand, your wife might be feeling overwhelmed by the thought of losing weight and might be resentful because your mentioning it makes her feel like you only married her because of the way she looked at the time and you don't really love her for herself. She might legitimately have a medical problem keeping her from losing weight. This question needs to be resolved first as another poster mentioned.

In terms of moving forward it seems like approaching this from an "I want us to do more things together" angle rather than an "I don't like the way you look" angle will probably help bring her closer instead of push her away. It sounds like the two of you aren't eating together much. Make mealtime romantic. Don't like what she's eating? Plan a picnic lunch and pick her up from work. Cook a delicious healthy dinner for her. Show her that you love her and get her more involved with the relationship by suggesting activities you don't normally do together like camping or hiking. Do things to get her mind off the weight issue. Even if you think she's not thinking about it, she probably is... most of the time. I've been there, I know that feeling. She needs to know that you love her and being critical doesn't accomplish this and badgering her for sex doesn't either. It will only make her resentful. You can't control her. You can only change your own actions. If you make her feel better about herself and like you love her chances are she will be much more willing to make an effort to make you happy in return.

You happiness is what counts... but on the other hand you made a commitement for better or worst. If your wife is not motivated to lose the weight, maybe she has some insecurities. Ever tried counseling so that you and your wife can put a lot of issues on the table. Also what about doing things to motivate her like jogging buying healthy foods go out more and change your daily routine. One thing every married man or woman will tell you is that the way you meet your mate will not be the same in 7-10 years. So don't give up yet.

If my husband was constantly harping on my weight, I wouldn't be very motivated to lose it either.

From your post I can hear your frustration, I'm sure she can too. You say you aren't attracted to her anymore, well, she most definitely knows that. You say the sex is bad, of course it is, who wants to have sex with someone who isn't attracted to you?

You are part of the problem, not the solution. You have made this women feel so low about herself, no wonder she won't try to "better" herself for you.

You married for better or for worse, sometimes it's worse before it gets better.

Good luck.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

i wonder if you are such a bargin!

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What a mean and judgemental thing to say! Where's your compassion for someone who's just trying to get a bit of advise?

Sure hope you're not in a difficult spot and have to deal with some harsh comment like the one you made!

I think you need to reevaluate yourself, in an honest way, as I can't believe as we change physically, we lose the love we had. Just don't buy it, and maybe it wasn't love in the first place.

If your freaking about the weight, and can't figure out how to motivate with love , understanding and concern, I would question the whole reason your married. She depends on you for acceptance, support, and guidance, and so far your striking out big time. Heaven forbid something happen, and she has to take care of you, or worse you have to take care of her.

My advice, examine yourself very closely, and critically, and see why, or where, you got the attitudes, and feelings from, and do something about it, or the only thing you can do, is set her free, to find someone that really loves her, and is willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy, and share a life with.

Its obvious that she is suffering, but not from the weight, but from lack of a partner willing to work with her, and incapable of overcoming his self, and his attitude, to give something of himself, to a partner that needs him.

You can do better than this.

Lack of open communication is what is probably the problem... speak up, helpout and work together

I don't think anything is wrong with being kind and mentioning about her weight gain.. but you got to think about it from her view as well.. how bad she feels when you do say things about it... AND u should think.. if you two get older... what will happen then? Will you also not find her attractive?. I agree with 08_777444 love is supposed to be unconditional... in this case I agree to Choux yes I think you two should have a separation for a bit,,

Disregard the haters who claim you're shallow. Of course, you want your wife to look hot. And, of course, it's selfish of her to ignore your happiness. I wish I could give you some supportive advice, but I don't know the solution - only that you have a right to your feelings.

From what you write I don't think that it is the marriage that is your problem.
You say you bring home the paycheck and that your wife is fat going towards ugly in your eyes. Your wife has never been sexual... Hmmm I think you are the problem... sorry... she is bored, trapped and not turned on. To change things in a marriage you have to first change what you are doing. Good luck.

I never had a weight problem until I got married. Do you think that she has gottin comfey? After my 2 kids I weighted 213 pounds. I was not a happy person, I was mad at my husbad for my gain. He could leave the house and go do things w/o having to think about the kids. When I would go anywhere the kids would always have to go w/ me. I joined a gym and worked out, still had to take the kids. Bills were crazy and $ was not coming in the way we needed.(and the amount) I went and talked w/ my doc. About the belly band. She told me that I was not able to do that. She gave me a med called Adipex 37.5 mg 1 daily in the morning. I have lost 40 pounds in 5 months. I feel better and my doc is watching me. I love that people see me know and ask how much I have lost. The best part is when I husband looks at me and says WOW!! I guess my point is I blamed my husband for my weight gain. He would say little things and that would piss my off. One thing in my family was that you never talk about a woman's weight. Life sucks sometimes and sometimes we just eat tooooooooo much. I know I went on about me I just want you to hear how I have lost 40 pounds. I also have the Wii fit and that is fun. That might be something you both could do together.

There is more to a person then looks. What about her qualities and values? Is she easy to talk to? Does she treat you good? You could walk away and meet someone "more attractive" but that doesn't guarantee the grass will be any greener. Also, you need to consider her feelings. She probley already has very low self esteem from gaining weight and you are not helping any. My suggestion would be to give her a compliment here and there. Tell her her hair looks nice or you like her outfit. Possibley by boosting her self esteem it may give her more incentive. You could also tell her you are concerned because obesity puts you at a higher risk for many health problems. Tell her you want her to live a long life with you. No matter what you married her for better or for worse. My guess is that you are no supermodel yourself.

When you go out with her, let her see you looking at other women that are in shape. But don't say anything about the girl you looked at, just let her catch you and take the beating, if she cares, she will try to look like what you were looking at, if not, then she don't care what she looks like for you.

An update to my original post:

I had explained to you that I had every test possible done to figure out my weight gain, etc.

I expressed my frustrations to my boyfriend, stopped going to the gym and made another doctor appointment (he's been very supportive).

I'm not sure what you wife's situation is, but it turns out my vegetarian diet was making me fat... IRONIC huh? (I can tell you more if you are interested)

Two months ago I had to start eating meat (BLECK) and dairy (BLECK AGAIN) and even had to start eating "some" junk food (yuck again) and stopped going to the gym so often, actually I don't go anymore because it was depressing.

Anyway, point of this little story is that in two months with a change in diet, eating things I thought were not good for me and KNEW I didn't like, I have lost 20 pounds.

Her diet may even be the simple answer :-(

Here I was, eating nothing but health food, and getting fat from it. HAH!

Hey I know it is going to sound very wired, and you will probably leaf like I did, but did you try to spice your sex life with some toys, it really sound crazy but I worked for me and my girl, we are practically in marriage, we lived together for 7 years, but in past two years our sex life was gone to having sex ones in a three months, that was so bad period, we are thinking the same, cheating! We did not thrust each other any more, and when we are practically at breaking point, she bought me fleshlight! Can you believe?? I was like that is so stupid! But now I can't wait to come home to her, we barley use it now, but can tell you that the change was exactly what we needed, she said she is going to buy me another one because my birhtday is coming, and I can't wait!