Hello,

Well, as the subject implies, my wife is leaving me. I don't know what to do at this point. I love her to death, and am not ready to give up on the relationship. I take marriage seriously, and would like to work through the hard times...

Let me set you up with a little information...

We got married a bit over a year ago after a long period of dating. Sometime last February I made a huge mistake and told her I didn't love her. Things weren't so exciting anymore, and I was feeling really confused. I mistaked my confusion for not loving her anymore.

Needless to say, I devistated her. She had no idea I was going to say something like this. I broke her trust in our relationship. I have tried to apologize and show her that I care, but nothing seemed to work.

It wasn't long before she was back talking to her ex boyfriend, and other guys, including my friends. She would insist that it was only to talk, and I actually do still believe her about that. But I know she wanted male attention, and this is probably because during this time I don't think I was doing enough to show it.

This July she dropped the bomb on me. We were at a friends house, someone she had been talking to online a lot. They always got along, and were mutual friends... I never had a problem with this. That night we got into an argument, and she told me she wanted me to go (we were at his house). She also told me she was considering a sexual encounter with him. He, however, is not on board and has since stopped talking to her (he's a REAL friend).

At this point, I became very scared and jealous. I didn't want her talking to guys. I started asking where she was all the time. I became that jealous guy that no one wants to be with. One day, she snuck out with another guy... called into work and didn't let me know. I found out, and although I do not believe there was ever anything physical between them, I felt cheated on emotionally. I kicked her out that day.

I don't believe it was a mistake to kcik her out, but I do feel as if we still love each other very much. We were talking for a while, and at some points she would want it back, and at some points I would. It was a classic case of us both wanting what we couldn't have.

Now, less than a week after she is still telling me she loves me, and us still having sex, she went out with another guy she met on Facebook. She's telling me it's over and she's never coming back. It's very sad because I have been working towards reconsiling, and my heart is still in this. She has told me that she went to a basketball game with him, and there was no sex or kissing, they just had common interests and wanted to hang out.

I know the truth is this will probably result in a relationship between them unless I act fast and get her back. I've tried all the WRONG THINGS, like begging, telling her how much I care, calling her too much.. etc... she's just annoyed with it all. She doesn't want to hear it. I can't say I blame her... it's all pretty pathetic.

Now, as hard as it may seem, I've started to just not contact her... This is incredibly hard for me, especially when I KNOW I want her back. I don't want to send her the wrong message or let this relationship evolve with someone else (although it's a bounceback and those almost never work). I'm going to work on myself, exercise, find a new hobby, and hang out with friends. Having her come over "as friends" (this is what she wants) is too hard, I can't be in the same room with the woman I love and isn't loving me back.

Is it a hopeless situation here? This isn't my girlfriend, this is my wife! Is no contact the way to go? I figure at least if she never does call, I can spend this time not torturing myself by wondering what she's up to or calling her...

I really really hope she calls... I'll let it go to voicemail, and I'll give it some time before I call back, but what should I do when she does?

Thanks so much, and any advice is appreciated.

She's your wife. You're her husband. Get into couples counseling immediately!

She's not having that... I would love to. She telling me it's over and she doesn't have it in her to try... I'm hoping some time of no contact helps this... I would LOVE to get us both in to talk to someone.

Thanks for your reply.

Then YOU go. Get some real-life help for this. She's been with you for 7 years. Your saying you don't love her any longer is not excuse for her to be out and about with other men. Marriage is a commitment. She agreed to that commitment after six years with you. Did she just need a flimsy excuse to jump the traces?

Yes, I would try no contact. I know that's a hard thing to do but maybe she just needs some time to think things over and figure out what it is that she wants. In the meantime, if you keep N/C you won't be torturing yourself with trying to find out what it is that she's doing and you can focus on yourself and what it is that you want out of your life. If and when she does call, don't sound desperate to get her back when you talk to her. Just be casual and let things happen naturally.

Good luck to you.

Humm... big mistake telling your wife you don't love her, I guess you know that now. Like you said this is not your girlfriend, it is your wife so forget the games. If you love her, if you want her back you are going to have to fight for her. NC in this case is just a stupid idea, you need to keep communication open with her. Set up a dinner date with her and tell her you were stupid to have ever said you didn't love her and how you understand how much that must have hurt her (you do understand?). Then tell her how much you do love her and all the reasons you love her. When she talks, when she is telling you how she feels don't just hear what she is saying but listen. Communication is the number one tool in resolving this ( if it can be resolved) and the best way to show her that you love her and want to work on making the marriage work is through your actions. She may not want to come back to you right away but if you can control your jealousy and reestablish communication she may be willing to at least give you the chance to proof that you love her. You may have to woo her back but it needs to come from your heart and there is no guarantee that your heart won't be broken. No games though OK? If she wants NC let her tell you that. Other wise she is out looking for someone who will love her. Trust me I made that mistake with my husband and now he is in a two year relationship that could have been avoided if I had not been such a hard head.

Well, I don't want to play games. I'm just looking for a strategy that will at least get her to the point where she'd consider counseling, or talking about getting together. We did a bit of couceling before... I don't think we really liked the couselor.

I have expressed to here about everything I can. I'm also trying to be non confrontational. I've certainly told her many many times that I didn't mean what I said. Last night she came over and we talked. I was kind of emotional and she seemed disgusted with me because of it. I've told her the following:

1. I've apologized for the horrible thing I said in Feb.
2. I've agreed to compromise, and let the jealousy go... forgive her for any of this other guy stuff (if she had intimacy with them I think it would be different)
3. I've told her that I want to be better, and I want to change for the better. (for myself and for everyone else around me, including her)
4. I've asked for counseling.
5. I've tried to talk about some of the things that have gotten us to where we are, and how I want to help fix these problems.

She seems very disgusted with the whole "I'm gonna fight for this" thing. That's why I'm trying no contact, at least until she isn't so mad and disgusted about everything.

She did come over this morning, unannounced... She wanted to bring me a christmas gift and hang out for a bit. I told her that I was having a very hard time having her around when I know I can't have her. I know she wasn't happy to hear this... she wants to still be friends. I did tell her she can call me if she wants to talk about "us", and that right now things were just too hard knowing she went to see this other person (who she claims is just a friend). I gave her my gift, and she gave me hers. I said goodbye. I wasn't trying to be mean but it wasn't a heartfelt goodbye. I found myself obsessing over stupid stuff, checking her myspace and Facebook... it was so hard seeing messages from the guys she's been talking with. So I removed myself as a friend from her on those websites. I texted her with the following

"I didn't remove you from myspace or facebook because I am mad. I did it because it's very hard for me to see whats going on in your life right now"

I do desperately want to save my marriage, and I feel like right now she isn't willing to try at all. Is it a mistake to have done these things? I definitely want her to know that I care very much, but I think right now she's just disgusted by it... I'm hoping some time without communication will help. I already kind of broke the no communication by texting her, but I'm going to stick to my guns and give it awhile unless someone has a better idea.


To anyone reading this... Don't ever ever ever say dumb things to make your girl doubt your relationship.

Some words can echo into the future forever, and no matter what you do, you can still hear them in the background.

Don't say those words.

Anyhow, I'm so glad you all have replied so far. I have great friends and family, and they have been calling me and supporting me. It's still theraputic to get advice from others such as yourselves. I'll keep this updated, and please, continue to send me advice.

Thanks,

Nick

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This isn't a high school fling, it's a marriage

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Yes, I definitely agree, it isn't a high school fling, but sometimes couples need to take time apart to figure out where they want their marriage to go.

I was married for 15 years and after 9 years of marriage my husband felt that he didn't know if he loved me anymore. I made the decision to move out of our home and be by myself to let my husband sort out his feelings and for me to sort out mine too. We went for a month of N/C before I decided to call him. We were able to meet for a really nice talk and decided to give things another try. Unfortunately we only lasted 6 more years (totally separate issues, and we are now the best of friends) but the time away without contact helped us to appreciate each other more and we each spent that time focusing on what we could do to improve our relationship. Sometimes trying too hard to fix a situation will only push the other person farther away.

I see both points here... either way it's a bit confusing. Could the best strategy be to maintain some contact, but keep moving on with my life in terms of self improvement? Don't be a blubbering idiot about the whole things when she comes to see me and perhaps just talk about other stuff and try to have a good time? Show her that I can be the man she wants again?

I don't know... I wish there was a garuntee about these things...

Be interesting and work on yourself meanwhile (counseling?) and be busy and involved with work and people. Read books, volunteer somewhere, do crossword puzzles, work on a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle, take up a new hobby.

What you could do is tell her that you want to give her the time and space that she may need. Tell her that you don't want to push her, but you want to keep the lines of communication open for whenever she is ready to talk things out.

Unfortunately everyone's situations are different and unique. There is no cure all for every relationship. All we can do here is give our opinions and leave it up to you to decide what the best course of action will be for you, and your particular situation.

I do wish you the best of luck. I know how stressful this sort of thing is.

Thanks so much. I think part of what I don't like about no contact is it preys a bit on the other persons insecurities... It does kind of seem like a game. If it works, I'm there, but in my own heart I'd like to keep communication open. I'll just have to be good about not pestering her about it.

She told me no after 3 weeks of me wanting this back, and I wasn't shoving it down her throat, but I was making it clear. It seems like what I was doing just wasn't working. She was at least still hanging out during this time.

I think one of the major things is I was still getting mad about the other guys and bringing up stuff about it. I think she wants a big show of faith from me, some sort of garuntee that she's not coming home to the same situation.

In the end, I know I can't just be friends with her. She's my wife. I made a promise in front of hundreds of people, a judge, and all of our friends and family. I want to be her friend as a husband. Just being her friend will kill me...

It seems kind of "all or nothing", but it's just emotional torture to be friends with someone who you love and is rejecting you. I guess I don't know when or how to give up. I know I'm not ready to yet.

If I do give up, and it's a sad thought, I'll stop communicating. For now I'll focus on positive communication and try to keep my jealousy and hurt inside. I can only hope that she can at least give me the chance to see a couples counselor. I don't know if it will help, but at least it would be a step in a positive direction.

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Originally Posted by aboleth

I can only hope that she can at least give me the chance to see a couples counselor. I don't know if it will help, but at least it would be a step in a positive direction.

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YOU go to a couples counselor. She doesn't have to give you permission. The counselor may, along the way, ask her to come to one or more sessions. She can say yes or no. That will tell you something. At least, with counseling, you will be getting your head on straight for whatever happens with your marriage.

Sounds like good advice to me. I will go either way.

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Originally Posted by little firefly

What you could do is tell her that you want to give her the time and space that she may need. Tell her that you don't want to push her, but you want to keep the lines of communication open for whenever she is ready to talk things out.

Unfortunately everyones situations are different and unique. There is no cure all for every relationship. All we can do here is give our opinions and leave it up to you to decide what the best course of action will be for you, and your particular situation.

I do wish you the best of luck. I know how stressful this sort of thing is.

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Now that is some excellent advice!

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Originally Posted by aboleth

Hello,

Well, as the subject implies, my wife is leaving me. I don't know what to do at this point. I love her to death, and am not ready to give up on the relationship. I take marriage seriously, and would like to work through the hard times...

Let me set you up with a little information....

We got married a bit over a year ago after a long period of dating. Sometime last february I made a huge mistake and told her I didnt love her. Things weren't so exciting anymore, and I was feeling really confused. I mistaked my confusion for not loving her anymore.

Needless to say, I devistated her. She had no idea I was going to say something like this. I broke her trust in our relationship. I have tried to apologize and show her that I care, but nothing seemed to work.

It wasn't long before she was back talking to her ex boyfriend, and other guys, including my friends. She would insist that it was only to talk, and I actually do still believe her about that. But I know she wanted male attention, and this is probably because during this time I don't think I was doing enough to show it.

This July she dropped the bomb on me. We were at a friends house, someone she had been talking to online alot. They always got along, and were mutual friends... I never had a problem with this. That night we got into an argument, and she told me she wanted me to go (we were at his house). She also told me she was considering a sexual encounter with him. He, however, is not on board and has since stopped talking to her (he's a REAL friend).

At this point, I became very scared and jealous. I didn't want her talking to guys. I started asking where she was all the time. I became that jealous guy that no one wants to be with. One day, she snuck out with another guy... called into work and didnt let me know. I found out, and although I do not believe there was ever anything physical between them, I felt cheated on emotionally. I kicked her out that day.

I don't believe it was a mistake to kcik her out, but I do feel as if we still love eachother very much. We were talking for a while, and at some points she would want it back, and at some points I would. It was a classic case of us both wanting what we couldn't have.

Now, less than a week after she is still telling me she loves me, and us still having sex, she went out with another guy she met on facebook. She's telling me it's over and she's never coming back. It's very sad because I have been working towards reconsiling, and my heart is still in this. She has told me that she went to a basketball game with him, and there was no sex or kissing, they just had common interests and wanted to hang out.

I know the truth is this will probably result in a relationship between them unless I act fast and get her back. I've tried all the WRONG THINGS, like beggin, telling her how much I care, calling her too much.. etc... she's just annoyed with it all. She doesn't want to hear it. I can't say I blame her... it's all pretty pathetic.

Now, as hard as it may seem, I've started to just not contact her... This is incredibly hard for me, especially when I KNOW I want her back. I don't want to send her the wrong message or let this relationship evolve with someone else (although it's a bounceback and those almost never work). I'm going to work on myself, exercise, find a new hobby, and hang out with friends. Having her come over "as friends" (this is what she wants) is too hard, I can't be in the same room with the woman I love and isn't loving me back.

Is it a hopeless situation here? This isn't my girlfriend, this is my wife! Is no contact the way to go? I figure at least if she never does call, I can spend this time not torturing myself by wondering what she's up to or calling her...

I really really hope she calls... I'll let it go to voicemail, and I'll give it some time before I call back, but what should I do when she does?

Thanks so much, and any advice is appreciated.

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My heart goes out to you. Yes you were wrong telling her you don't love her, but what made you get to that point? Do you really love her or you just don't want to be alone? Seven years is quite along time to be with someone. But she was wrong too jumping to someone else. She might have been devastated when you told her you didn't think you love her, but that gives her no right to go to another person. I would really think this out right now. Does she really love you then to call her ex boyfriend..

Word of advice... on the puzzle. I did the 3000 piece puzzle. After 4 days of the puzzle, I realized... I kept thinking about her WHILE doing the puzzle. So... yeah. Watch tv/a movie while puzzling.

How old are you two? After 7 years, it would seem the communications would be better.

Sit down and have one last face-to-face heart-to-heart talk with her. Tell her what you've said here, that you really want to make things work, you want to be with her and nobody else and you want her to be with you and nobody else. Assure her that you're willing to do whatever it takes to make thing work out. But also emphasize that it's a now-or-never proposition ; you're not going to wait around forever while she strings you along and keeps you teetering on the edge. Then the ball's in her court and if she won't come around, then you know it's over and time to get on with your own life.

Start six months of No Contact. On June 25, reassess your feeling for her. I doubt that you can face her without getting on your knees; none of the other guys are doing that, are they?

Thanks for the replies. I's 28 and she's 27...
Man today was hard... I broke down at my parent house.. I just couldn't sit there and do the whole christmas thing without missing her so much. She told me she was going to call me today, and I hope that happens. It's kind of hard to talk to her and not badger her about getting back together with me, even if I know this probably isn't the best thing to do. If she calls I'm going to try and stay upbeat and make her laugh a bit.

These problems need to be addressed, but I'll first need a gateway for communication with her.

All due respect, but this is your wife, and your married, either get it out, so it can be dealt with, or leave her alone. Give her a week or two, but forget the small talk. Just my opinion.

The relationship is tainted. Too much is I the middle now. It will take some serious counseling to resolve this one on both of yalls part. She has to be willing as well. Relationships with break ups hurt. But this too shall pass. It might seem like the end but his is a new beginning. It seems to me like she has guys on her bandwagon and all you have is her. No good my friend. Next time (if there is a next time) make sure you don't put your entire life into a girl. See guys get hit on once a month maybe even once a year girls however get hit on once a day twice a day. They can pick but if you stay up on your game on the things you love and don't allow a person to to suck the life out of you... it seems like you turned into a lost puppy following this woman around and when you were emotionally at rock bottom she bailed. I promise you she did not lose all of herself because you see where she is at. It's a different set of rules. You need a girl to take it off your mind and go do the things you love to do. Allow the pain to surface, face it,deal with it and by that time you'll be able to move on. That, she cheated she is with other guys you are too good for that. You deserve better than that. You deserve a woman that will stay through sickness and health. She is a energy vampire. There is a book called energy vampire. Go get it.

Ive seen it too many times, a girl like that will get it back oneday. Its time to divorce and maybe if you prove she cheated you could possibly get allomony.

s_cianci agrees: But he can't take all the blame on himself. She had a part in it too. Same for your situation.

I completely agree and I told him this in a privet message.

Well, divorce... hrm... I'll be honest. I know in my heart I'm better than to have a girl do this to me. It's true, she's really done some things YOU DO NOT DO in a marriage. It's also true that I've done some things YOU DO NOT DO in a marriage. This may sound kindergarten... but I started it. Honestly, I did. I told her I didn't love her, I kicked her out, I repeatedly overreacted, among other things. I could write a book right now and tell a LOT about all the things I know you shouldn't do in a marriage... lol. (omg I made myself laugh, small victory)

This is kind of where the importance of marriage and commitment come into play, for me at least. I know I could stop the contact, I could stop putting myself through this, and I could just let it be. Marriage means you stick to it. I'm not ultra religious, and I don't share any fundamentalist type views about marriage. But I do take it seriously. I waited over 5 years to ask my wife to marry me. I would never have asked if I didn't know I was 100% willing to work through anything, no matter how hard.

Giving up is an option. You know why people commit suicide? They gave up. I realize this is different, but it is the end of a life, it just comes with the beginning of a new one. So, I'm not going to give up yet.

I'm looking for "forgive and forget", and it will need to happen from both ends. There is no garuntee she will do this. She really is at the point of not wanting to really talk, and not giving me a single signal of hope. She's telling me there "is no more you and me". Right now I really want to work on opening her up to me a little more, and hopefully helping her to see that I'm a great guy again. (and believe me, I am a great guy!)

I'll keep you updated, and as always, thanks so much for your support. It's amazing to me how people take time out of their day (even on christmas) to help someone they will most likely never meet.

Thanks,

Nick

Well, my wife came over and watched a movie with me. I really really tried not to talk about the relationship, but I did break down and ask about it for like 5 minutes...

Again, she was disgusted... I'm pushing her further away.

I want to stick to my guns here and not overwhelm her with this, and try to show her I'm a competent capable man that she wants to be with. I've been trying to get back with her for a month now, and much more the last few days. How badly have a hurt my chances here? If I were to give her some space do you think she'd forget about all the begging and compromise talk... I know this stuff doesn't work, and I'm just naturally compelled to do it. I don't want to make any more mistakes... My marriage is on the line.


Thanks.

I don't think you are the one making the mistakes.

I hope not...

If trying to prove something gets you the stonewall treatment, then I strongly hope you change your tactic. This is not all your fault and to give her a pass for the sake of pleasing her is not going to work. Take a realistic look at this relationship, and see if its all you want also. Maybe its you who need space to evaluate yourself, and how your relating, as her unwillingness to talk honestly is a red flag. Will she do counseling?

You may be married but there is no honest communication, or willingness to work together. Its probably been this way a while. Frankly, I think for awhile you should be apart, and if her reaction is to seek out other males, that's your signal that this relationship is to unequal. Just curious, what was it that was confusing you initialy? It had to be serious enough to question your love for her. What was it?

Hi there,
I have some advice for you in this situation, read this great book, " The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." By John M. Gottman

When you said that you didn't love your wife anymore. You in a way, turned the spark between you off. Your wife, I know, was hurt extreme. If my husband said that, all my trust and all my love would begin to fall apart. I know you regret saying it but you have to do more that what you have been doing. The book is the best thing than any counselor. Read it and go back to her and tell her how you know you needed to work on making the marriage stronger.
When your wife goes on dates with these guys, she is soaking up their attention, because she feels like her husband doesn't find her attractive and lovable anymore. Secretly, she wants her husband to come back to her. If I were her, I would want my husband to search me out, find me and in front of the date I'm on and in front of everyone, propose again.

Good Luck

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Originally Posted by Crista

If I were her, I would want my husband to search me out, find me and in front of the date I'm on and in front of everyone, propose again.

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I'd be wary of this... what if when he proposes, she thinks about the time he said I Don't LOVE YOU ANYMORE... and says NO?

.. that would REALLY f--- this guy up... a LOT.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

i'd be wary of this...what if when he proposes, she thinks about the time he said I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE...and says NO?

..that would REALLY f--- this guy up...a LOT.

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Hmmmm, I guess your right, but why live in denial anymore either?? It takes two and if one person doesn't want the relationship anymore, than it's basically done.

You're an idiot. You obviously haven't been with too many women. She sucked his friggin energy and now he is at bottom. The only thing he can do is find another girl and leave her alone until she comes around. The ball is obviously in her court jackass

He loves her and she is dangling herself to him like a donkey and a carrot. That's bull. That's mental abuse. What, is he going to shake her and say come back to me now? I don't think so. She cheated because he said he didn't love her in the heat of an argument. Stop blaming yourself man. What happenes happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Time heals. Move on. Start the divorce proceedings let her know you are filing. Go regain you self energy back. Become strong again. Time heals.

jasondbel : you're an idiot. You obviously haven't been with too many women. She sucked his friggin energy and now he is at bottom. The only thing he can do is find another girl and leave her alone until she comes around. The ball is obviously in her court jackass

Well you're right about one thing... I haven't been with many woman, actually none. I don't swing that way baby.

Well, today is my first day of no contact... man it was hard. I did go to my parents house, then went to some friends to hang out. I've been watching movies, and trying to keep myself occupied with working out and getting some things done that I've been procrastinating on.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Just curious, what was it that was confusing you initialy? It had to be serious enough to question your love for her. What was it?

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Well, that's a good question. I wish to god I knew specifics. It's almost a year ago now. I will tell you that I felt that we were losing some of the "spark". I mistook it for love being gone. I still loved her with all my heart. My aunt told me she wished she had pulled us aside before we got married and talked to us. She would have told us that people say stupid things, that people will grow, and change. That when we don't feel like the spark is there, that we have to look into ourselves to create it instead of blaming the other person. It's good advice.

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He loves her and she is dangling herself to him like a donkey and a carrot. That's bull. That's mental abuse. What, is he going to shake her and say come back to me now? I don't think so. She cheated because he said he didn't love her in the heat of an argument. Stop blaming yourself man. What happenes happens and there is nothing you can do about it. Time heals. Move on. Start the divorce proceedings let her know you are filing. Go regain you self energy back. Become strong again. Time heals.

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Yea man, it is mental abuse. Really. I get it. I'm not trying to be offensive to any women, but I've learned that logic is not their forte in relationships a lot of time. It's all about how they feel, and what kind of interest level and feeling of security they have with their man. You're right as well, what happens happens. If we could tell the future we wouldn't be posting here. In any case I will BECOME STRONG AGAIN. I'm hoping that the things I can do for myself will help her to see the man I really am. I'm a lovable, loyal, smart guy. I have a great career. I don't cheat. I remind my woman I love her. I'm confident! Right now she's not going to see all of these great things while I'm being her puppy dog. She's going to see that or she won't.

Crista. I wish so much I never "turned the spark off" with my wife. Regret is a powerful emotion. She's definitely seen this other guy, and said there was no sex or kissing. I'm hoping it doesn't evolve into this. I know that a rebound relationship won't work anyhow, and I'm also hoping this dude loses interest... But one thing I'm really trying not to do is think about it. If I want this to work, I need to be able to forgive and forget. We can tackle these issues in counseling. As for making a scene, and trying to show her my undying devotion, it's not going to work. She's not in that mindset right now. It might work down the road, but only if she's unhappy with her life. The movies imply this works, but I'm not a believer. I do assure you however, I've told her how much I love her, how much of a commitment I'm willing to make, etc. Saying it again isn't going to make her suddenly believe it. She needs to see a man she is attracted to again.

Anyhow, I'm unsure how long I should hold out on contact. I have a friend of mine who is giving her some attention, and taking her out to do stuff, and hopefully this will get her mind off this fella she went to see on Friday. Luckily he lives over an hour away, so it's not like they can just han gout all the time. My friend is also going to try and put in a good word now and again. She really trusts his opinion and loves to hang out with him. (OMG it's a guy I'm not jealous of!! Believe me I don't mind if my wife talk to other men, it just depends on how she met them and why she wants to talk to them!! I'm not the total jealous bastard that she's making me out to be!! ). I'm hoping he can help to give her a little perspective and get her to give me a call about counseling. She doesn't know I've been talking to him about any of thisn, and he's not going to be telling her. With any luck, after a few laughs with him she might be open to talking about it to someone besides me.

So, in the meantime, I'm not going to push it. I called a few couselors today, and am going to make a choice on which one to go to soon. I hope she'll call me in the next 2 weeks, and "wants to talk", but we'll see. Either way, I'm going to get help for myself, and if my couselor wants to talk to her, then he/she will call her.

Thanks again for the replies. Every situation is unique, and I've gotten a lot of ideas on how I may be able to go about getting my marriage back. I may not go along with some of it because that's where my heart is, but even the advice I don't take provides a wisdom of choices.

Nick

I think she is an energy vampire and sucks up energy from everyone because she has none of her own

It takes more than a couple words to turn a spark off. This woman obviously has no love for herself a false sense of confidence and she doesn't just want your attention she needs attention anywhere she can get it. What kind of background does this girl have? This is pissing me off because you don't need this . No man needs that. Move on. Forget about her. You have nothing to proe to her. She ruined this relartionship not you. Your obviously a man who knows no other women. That's why this is going to be so painful.