God I need some help here please. Here is my story...

I have been with my husband for 16 years and married for 12. The last two years have been really tough on us, he left for 3 months and we went to counsling, he then came back and after 6 months he left again. This time he has been gone a year. During this year, he had started a emotional relationship with another girl. I confronted him about it immediately and he said they were just friends... now believe me I did not believe this. I discovered about her via myspace... how classic huh! During the year they went away togother on a few vacations, have been seen in public places and such. In August, my husband said he finally realized how special I was to him and wanted to start working on us again... I of course was happy and willing to do this, he is the world to me... probably a fool I know. In the month of September we got into a few arguments which is understandable he is still not living back here at home and there is things we need to work on. As I just found out in a moment of weakness as he calls it he went to see her again, they had sex... I have been gone for over a month house sitting in maui, during this time we were talking really well, communicating and things really seemed to be looking up, he was going to fly over and celebrate our anniversary together, but a day before he was to leave she told him she was pregnant... this was on nov 10... I flew home on the 13th and he just came to see me today and told me!

I am so devistated... I don't want my marriage to be over, but how do you heal from the past and the pain of her when now she will be part of his life forever. Mind you we have not had any children yet and I just feel like that was one more thing ripped away from me and us... I will never have the joy of being the first mother to his child.

He says he does not want anything to do with her but he feels that he needs to be there for the child... first steps and all. He says he wants to be with me though. Do I believe it, yes, the tears and emotions we went through makes me feel he does want me and has really realized his mistakes...

Please give me some advise, he is my world but I just don't see how I can even deal with the child let alone her let alone the pictures and the thought he will be around her... I am absolutely a mess right now:( :confused:

He may be your world, but it doesn't sound like you are his. You said you all started communicating, but he never was completely honest with you so it was one sided on the communications.

I don't want to bash him, but he sounds selfish and he's been doing things based on what he wants and he hasn't considered how it would effect you. As hard as it'll be you need to leave him for good. If you stay there will always be the other woman in his life and you will never be able to escape thinking something might be going on. In time it'll get better and maybe you'll be able to find someone who wants you to be their world.

You poor thing.
This is a very tricky situation, and not one that anyone can answer for you. It sounds as though your husband has been unfaithful and that there have been marital difficulties for so long that it's not likely for him to stay as loving and devoted as you need him to be. But, as you say, it's possible that he truly has realised his mistakes and genuinely wants to be with you. From what you've said though, it's possible that even if his feelings are genuine, they might not stay that way. The choice is entirely yours. And your judgement in this situation is much more valuable than mine or anyone else's.
Some other important questions are: how much do you really love him?; and can you truly forgive him? You will need to seriously think about these before you commit to healing your relationship.
If he really means so much to you, perhaps it is worth giving him another chance, regardless of the outcome. Only you can say. But there is a lot of heartache at risk, so be careful and be sure to let him know about your feelings and to demand honesty from him.
If you and your husband stay together in the long run, please remember that the child is not at fault. S/he is not to blame for the actions of his/her parents. I know it will be difficult having your husband be the father to someone else's child, but you can't take it out on the child. Your husband and the other woman might deserve contempt or negativity, but a child is just a child.
As for your husband, the choice is yours. You can do what you think is right, although no options will be easy for you.
I sincerely wish you the best in this situation.
Take care,
Kal

First of all, is she really pregnant? And if she is, is he the father? These questions have to be answered first. Then each of you have some decisions to make. Now I don't mean to be a naysayer but it really doesn't sound like he's committed to this marriage. Not having any children together probably gives him all the less reason to be so. If not for this potential pregnancy it'd be quite easy to give him an ultimatum and tell him no more her or you're gone. And without kids of your own to worry about it'd be easy for you to leave. Actually you could still do that but there is a child in the picture which serves to complicate things if he is in fact the father. I would very rarely say this but I think you may just have to decide that the marriage is over and to pack yourself up and find your own happiness elsewhere and let him deal with her, the child and everything else.

This guy is IMO bad news. This other woamn has him by the balls, and I could not trust him to stay away from her whether she is pregnant or not, but only you know whether you can forgive him or love him enough to stay with him.
Me, I couldn't do it. Sometimes love is not enough.

In a moment of weakness? He just got caught. He is lying to you. You have shown him that if he is kind to you or if he puts on a good show - all is forgiven.
Would you really be able to trust him again? This person will be in your life forever if you stay with your husband.. Can you handle the constant reminder of this affair?

I would let him go and find someone that can put you first and only you.

He made her take a pregnancy test in front of him so yes she is, we will have to do a test to make sure!

Is there anyone out there that has stayed with there spouse and can give me some helpful advise...
I agree once a cheat always a cheat, but I just have a hard to walking away and giving up.

Trust is a hard thing forsure. He has said he understands that he has to earn that back he knows that if we stay together there is going to be a tough road ahead.

And I am questioning myself if I can handle this kid... and forgive me does this think that her life is going to be easy. We are very well off and as far as I'm concerned if we do stay together I would encourage my husband to fight for full or half custody just so he doesn't have to pay as much child support and make him really grow up! Let alone her and I don't like each other and she has to deal with the fact if we do stay together that I will rule the roost and wear the pants... and there will be very large extensive boundaries!

My husband had a long affair. We are still together. It is a tough road. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

He did not produce a child with his affair. I could not stay if he had. All ties were broken with the mistress. If a child was in the picture - so would she. I couldn't handle it. Every time I think of her, I go into a rage. What if there was a child? I shudder to think about it.

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Originally Posted by feelinhopeless

Trust is a hard thing forsure. He has said he understands that he has to earn that back he knows that if we stay together there is going to be a tough road ahead.

And i am questioning myself if i can handle this kid....and forgive me does this think that her life is going to be easy. We are very well off and as far as im concerned if we do stay together i would encourage my husband to fight for full or half custody just so he doesnt have to pay as much child support and make him really grow up! Let alone her and i dont like eachother and she has to deal with the fact if we do stay together that i will rule the roost and wear the pants.....and there will be very large extensive boundaries!

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You say that now. When that kid comes into the world - you will be a distant second. Extensive boundaries? Don't kid yourself. I don't mean to be harsh - but I have a child and I know how demanding they can be.
Just because he may ask for full custody doesn't mean that he will get and you would be able to somehow cut the other woman out of your life. She will be there. Always.

As for bounderies... meaning rules when it comes to being around her, he is not to go to her house, the child gets dropped off at a mutual location, I must be there, all decisions become not just the two of them it is the three of us because I would obviously be the step mom. I have considered filing for legal separation to protect my assests, and make sure I get the alimony I want and deserve if necessary... I will make sure I take him for all he is worth before she gets a red cent! I don't give a crap on that~!

I get sick over the fact that there is a child now, as I write out a list of questions for him, one is can he be strong enough for us and stay faithfull this time... and if we were to have a child, our child would always come first and for most, not the other! And I need to know that I am number one in his life... and he needs to make a lot of facts clear to her too with me standing right there so no lies are said and it is clear we as he and I are standing together

Look, you need to think about this. If you ask him if he can be strong enough. What is he supposed to say? No? What good will that do him. And can you really ask him to put a child that isn't even on the way yet before the child that is coming? It is not the fault of the child that it was brought into this world this way.

Once he becomes a parent, you may not always come first. Can you deal with that. You are going to have to interact with this woman and there maybe times when where he has to go to his child's home. Can you deal with that?

I would prepare myself for a long and exteremely hard road if you decide to stay.
It isn't going to be cut and dry with the other woman and child.
Please do not delude yourself into thinking that it will be.

Hi there,

I have to say that I feel for you tremendously.. but at the same time your post has made me feel not so alone. I am in your same boat... well, not EXACTLY, but very similar. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. We started at 23 and now we are both 29. He is the first man I have ever loved and my best friend. We broke up twice throughout those 6 years cause he "needed time to sort out his life." Well the last time we broke up, he had a 2 night stand. The girl got pregnant. She said she was having a abortion and never talked to my boyfriend again. In the meantime my guy and I had gotten back together and we were as in love as the day we met... than out of no where in August he got a voice mail from her saying that she never had the abortion and that she was 5 months pregnant (too late to have an abortion now) with his child and that she was having it and keeping it. I was devastated.. along with him. I know he no longer talked to this girl and did not want anything to do with her. To top everything else off, she is TRASH! She is also 29, has no job, never went to college and lives with her parents. Through the grapevine we have also heard that she does drugs. Apparently all of her friends are single mothers and they just sit around and hang out together... now she'll fit right in. The most disturbing part of it all is that my boyfriend is in his last year of his anestisology residnecy. In a year and a half he'll be making close to 400,000 a year. This girl just saw the love of my life as a meal ticket! The thing is I can get over the money (although writing the slut a check every month would kill me), but it's the fact that she took away my first child from me. My guy and I had always talked about what are kids would look like, what we'd do, etc... but now he's going to do it all without me. He still says he wants nothing to do with the girl, but he has to be there for his child. Which I understand, but at the same time IT KILLS ME!! I love my guy to death, but every time I think of him holding the baby and loving the baby it kills me. My chest hurts and I feel like I can't breath. It's not fair that this girl got everything I always wanted! To make matters worse, and me even more resentful, is that now my guy is saying that he can't ask me to marry him until we see how we both react to the baby, he says that he feels like I will resent him for the rest of his life.. the thing is I wouldn't if he would just help to make it righ. Love me. Be honest with me. I can't commit myself to accepting his child if he can't commit to me after 6 years! His excuse for not getting married all of these other years was because his life was too too busy with work and school... now he's using this as an excuse. I just do't know if I can deal with it. I'm stuck. I love him so much, but I think I will have a lifetime of pain.. I don't want to have to deal with this trashy girl. . and now, because of him, I may have to deal with her my whole life... Why can't he give me what I want and need though? I need a commitment! I just don't know what to do... is it right to stay? Or would it be better to leave? It would be so sooo so so hard.. and sad, but what's the alternative? DO these things ever work out?

Finally someone who sees how I am feeling!

I too feel I can get through this even though it will be tough if he is there for me, like he has been in the past. Nobody is perfect we all make mistakes, but standing by the one you love in tough times showing them you are here you feel there pain and you want to help can make all the difference in the world... right now I hate this kid and her, but I know if I want him in my life I have to accept the child as ours, however he does not need to deal with her! I have read so much over the last few days and the best way to deal with the affair is to exclude her out of his life, meaning, all contact must go through me and any phone call to him I must be on, no privatly seeing each other that sort of thing, but the quesiton for my husband can he do this for me. He says he wants to be there for his child not her, I understand so there needs to be boundaries, boudaries to make sure there is no hurt or question on my end. What I really need if for him to take the next 8 months while the baby is not here and focus on us and create a foundation we can both work on and function and talk extensivly about our future and how to make the best of the situation.
I feel like the last joy has been ripped away from me also... which I look at ways to save some joy for us and me! Like not going to the doctors appts not going for the ultrasound and not being in the delivery room, there is no reason for him to be part until the child is born.
I feel your pain and my heart is torn like yours... there has to be a book out there somewhere to help deal with this all!

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Originally Posted by headorheart

Hi there,

I have to say that I feel for you tremendously.. but at the same time your post has made me feel not so alone. I am in your same boat... well, not EXACTLY, but very similar. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years. We started at 23 and now we are both 29. He is the first man I have ever loved and my bestfriend. We broke up twice throughout those 6 years cause he "needed time to sort out his life." Well the last time we broke up, he had a 2 night stand. The girl got pregnant. She said she was having a abortion and never talked to my bf again. In the meantime my guy and i had gotten back together and we were as in love as the day we met... than out of no where in August he got a voice mail from her saying that she never had the abortion and that she was 5 months pregnant (too late to have an abortion now) with his child and that she was having it and keeping it. I was devasted.. along with him. I know he no longer talked to this girl and did not want anything to do with her. To top everything else off, she is TRASH! She is also 29, has no job, never went to college and lives with her parents. Through the grapevine we have also heard that she does drugs. Apparently all of her friends are single mothers and they just sit around and hang out together... now she'll fit right in. The most disturbing part of it all is that my boyfriend is in his last year of his anestisology residnecy. In a year and a half he'll be making close to 400,000 a year. this girl just saw the love of my life as a meal ticket! The thing is I can get over the money (although writing the slut a check every month would kill me), but it's the fact that she took away my first child from me. My guy and i had always talked about what are kids would look like, what we'd do, etc... but now he's going to do it all without me. He still says he wants nothing to do with the girl, but he has to be there for his child. Which i understand, but at the same time IT KILLS ME!!! I love my guy to death, but everytime i think of him holding the baby and loving the baby it kills me. My chest hurts and I feel like I can't breath. It's not fair that this girl got everything I always wanted! To make matters worse, and me even more resentful, is that now my guy is saying that he can't ask me to marry him until we see how we both react to the baby, he says that he feels like i will resent him for the rest of his life.. the thing is I wouldn't if he would just help to make it righ. Love me. Be honest with me. I can't commit myself to accepting his child if he can't commit to me after 6 years!! His excuse for not getting married all of these other years was becuase his life was too too busy with work and school... now he's using this as an excuse. I just do't know if I can deal with it. I'm stuck. I love him so much, but I think i will have a lifetime of pain.. i don't want to have to deal with this trashy girl. .and now, because of him, I may have to deal with her my whole life... Why can't he give me what I want and need though? I need a commitment! I just don't know what to do..... is it right to stay? Or would it be better to leave? It would be soo sooo soo soo hard.. and sad, but what's the alternative? DO these things ever work out??

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Finally someone who sees how I am feeling!

I too feel I can get through this even though it will be tough if he is there for me, like he has been in the past. Nobody is perfect we all make mistakes, but standing by the one you love in tough times showing them you are here you feel there pain and you want to help can make all the difference in the world... right now I hate this kid and her, but I know if I want him in my life I have to accept the child as ours, however he does not need to deal with her! I have read so much over the last few days and the best way to deal with the affair is to exclude her out of his life, meaning, all contact must go through me and any phone call to him I must be on, no privatly seeing each other that sort of thing, but the quesiton for my husband can he do this for me. He says he wants to be there for his child not her, I understand so there needs to be boundaries, boudaries to make sure there is no hurt or question on my end. What I really need if for him to take the next 8 months while the baby is not here and focus on us and create a foundation we can both work on and function and talk extensivly about our future and how to make the best of the situation.
I feel like the last joy has been ripped away from me also... which I look at ways to save some joy for us and me! Like not going to the doctors appts not going for the ultrasound and not being in the delivery room, there is no reason for him to be part until the child is born.
I feel your pain and my heart is torn like yours... there has to be a book out there somewhere to help deal with this all!

Yes! Exactly! THat is exactly what I told my guy. I did not want him at the birth of the child, there in the operating room or even just holding it after being a few hours old... If he does, what specialness would be left for us? What firsts? He's going to experience all of the "firsts" now without me. He's going to see how another human being looks that belongs to him. He's going to see his son take his first steps... he's going to be a daddy and I am only going to be a step-mom. It just sooo dosen't seem fair when we have grown up together and been a part of eachothers lives and now some strnager can just walk in and take it all from me without any care or regard. How could a woman do that? WHy would you WANT to do that?
I have also told my guy that he can have no contact with her and I must be present,etc. while he agreed, I could see the fear in his eyes that it might get too much. THat it might get annoying or something. The thing is, until that trust is rebuilt, I think that's the only way it can be. My thing is, without the commitment between him andi, they are now bound together FOREVER, and I am still just the measly girlfriend. Me who supports him, embraces him, provides for him, listens to him... EVERYTHING! Yet, this stranger and her bastard child will now be there even if I leave... and I don't know if I can take it all. Not without a commitment.
I've looked for books (Cause that's how I like to deal with things also - by getting advice), but I have not found any. Will time make this all better? I'm not sure. THe child will always be there (even though he is an innocent child - he will still be a reminder), I'm not sure it will be so easy once the baby is here. Even though my heart wants to try and get trhoguh all of this, when I hear him mention ANYTHING about the baby (even just something stupid) my heart drops and I want to cry. It's all just not fair at all. It's nice to know that I'm not alone though :)

He is always going to part of this woman's life because of the child. He is going to want to be there when his child is born and be a big part of his/her life. He will suffer and the child will suffer because of what he has done.
The question you must ask yourself is are you going to be able to be a good step mother or the ugly one. Are you going to keep him from this child. Thay's a hard call to make because non of this is this child's fault but he/ she will pay the price.

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Originally Posted by headorheart

Yes! Exactly! THat is exactly what I told my guy. I did not want him at the birth of the child, there in the operating room or even just holding it after being a few hours old.... If he does, what specialness would be left for us? What firsts? He's going to experience all of the "firsts" now without me. He's going to see how another human being looks that belongs to him. He's going to see his son take his first steps... he's going to be a daddy and I am only going to be a step-mom. It just sooo dosen't seem fair when we have grown up together and been a part of eachothers lives and now some strnager can just walk in and take it all from me without any care or regard. How could a woman do that?? WHy would you WANT to do that?
I have also told my guy that he can have no contact with her and I must be present,etc. while he agreed, i could see the fear in his eyes that it might get too much. THat it might get annoying or something. The thing is, until that trust is rebuilt, i think that's the only way it can be. My thing is, without the commitment between him andi, they are now bound together FOREVER, and I am still just the measly girlfriend. Me who supports him, embraces him, provides for him, listens to him... EVERYTHING! Yet, this stranger and her bastard child will now be there even if I leave..... and I don't know if I can take it all. Not without a commitment.
I've looked for books (Cause that's how i like to deal with things also - by getting advice), but I have not found any. Will time make this all better?? I'm not sure. THe child will always be there (even though he is an innocent child - he will still be a reminder), I'm not sure it will be so easy once the baby is here. Even though my heart wants to try and get trhoguh all of this, when I hear him mention ANYTHING about the baby (even just something stupid) my heart drops and I want to cry. It's all just not fair at all. It's nice to know that I'm not alone though :)

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I agree with you completely. There needs to be some firsts saved for you two. It is not going to make him a bad father. It is just stating yes this child is your first with her but I need to save some for my wife or marriage, especially since this was a mistake and neither of us wanted it, as they have both said, with that in mind he needs to be sensitive to the feelings of there significant other. I really feel when trust is rebuilt even though it will never be 100%, the extremes won't need to be there, or if she moves on and marries. But right now it is just not right! THey need to feel the pain we are going through and stand by us as well as the child, not the mother. If my husband tells me it is too much that just means he does not want me to be part of the unitement, and that he is not committed and that would scare me! I tell you I feel like myself worth has gone down the drain!

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

He is always going to part of this woman's life because of the child. He is going to want to be there when his child is born and be a big part of his/her life. He will suffer and the child will suffer because of what he has done.
The question you must ask yourself is are you going to be able to be a good step mother or the ugly one. Are you going to keep him from this child. Thay's a hard call to make because non of this is this child's fault but he/ she will pay the price.

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This is how I feel and I have had days and sleepless hours to ponder think write read and all. There is no reason to be part of her life,(as dr phil says) that is the best way to deal with the affair and the child, the child yes, as far as I'm concerned she is just a donor. If he wants this marriage to work with the child involved he needs to address it in the situation that the child is his and I am the step mom but he can not have contact with mom, it just isn't right. She can not be an entity in the picture, that is why I don't believe seeing the child without me there is possible! If my husband can make me feel important, stand by me, realize that my feeling and hurt are deep and may never go away, but be sensitive and talk through things I feel there could be a place for the child in my heart. Not like a child of my own, but a step child. I am willing to do this for my husband if he can be understanding to my needs and feelings as his wife. I feel that this is a chance to step up and be the bigger person in this matter. The child would benefit spending more time with us, since I work from home and there is no need for daycare, also my husband works swing so there is a chance for him and the child to spend quality time together vs being in day care. But on the other hand I'm sure the will have a problem with this, there is also the issue of distance between us, it is a 45 minute drive between our home and hers. The big issues still need to be delt with as he and I have not talked since Saturday and he is talking to a counslor and trying to make some choices. And I have yet been able to discuss my feelings and thoughts with him yet, as he is to overwhelmed so he says

I don't care what dr phil says, he will have some kind of relationship with her. She is not the donor, she is that child's mother. If the child gets sick, he will have to have dealings with her, when it comes to choosing a school he will have dealings with her. Who is going to pick the child up and take him/her back home? This is all easier said than done. There is about to be two extra people in your life. Can you handle it?

You know there is a lot of talk about the child. Like it's a dog. The child didn't ask to be brought into the world this way.
And do you know realize that with seting all these limitations on making sure they leave some "firsts" for you - you are setting yourself up for your partners to resent you. Bottom line is this, no matter what, this is HIS first child. You are asking him to give up all these things with HIS FIRST so you can feel better. He is going to resent you.
The situation stinks. But, what you are going to end up doing is driving a wedge between the two of you.
Either you deal with this and move forward or move on.

It is not the fault of the child - he/she did not pick it's parents.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

You know there is alot of talk about the child. Like it's a dog. The child didn't ask to be brought into the world this way.
And do you know realize that with seting all these limitations on making sure they leave some "firsts" for you - you are setting yourself up for your partners to resent you. Bottom line is this, no matter what, this is HIS first child. You are asking him to give up all these things with HIS FIRST so you can feel better. He is going to resent you.
The situation stinks. But, what you are going to end up doing is driving a wedge betwen the two of you.
Either you deal with this and move forward or move on.

It is not the fault of the child - he/she did not pick it's parents.

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Its not like a dog at all, and your right it did not ask to be brought into this world and I did not ask for my husband to cheat and produce this child, ironically the child and I are in the same boat. Its not that I am limiting he is going to have all the firsts in the world with that child, I am just asking him to save some for us, as of right now we don't even now if it is his, my luck it will be! As he said to me there are firsts with every child... now who needs to open there eyes... there is some things that do need to cherished between me and him and not them! That is wrong if we stay together he needs to realize that. And if he resents me... well then now he nows how I feel since his sins he has done, its almost what comes around goes around, I don't want that to sound nasty but really there has to be something to cherish between the two of us if I sacrifice everything for him!

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

I don't care what dr phil says, he will have some kind of relationship with her. She is not the donor, she is that child's mother. If the child gets sick, he will have to have dealings with her, when it comes to choosing a school he will have dealings with her. Who is going to pick the child up and take him/her back home? This is all easier said than done. There is about to be two extra people in your life. Can you handle it?

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After talking with my counslor she agreed with me on drawing the line on there communication. She said that if she can't understand that and relate to what I am going through there will be issues later on. She needs to realize that the adultery that happened has a major effect on our marriage and she needs to respect the boundaries and support them. And there will be one extra child in my life not her. If the split is 50/50 then there is no need for her to intrude on us and no need for us to intrude on her. There will be joint decisions on discipline, schools and such, but that needs to be worked out between the three of us not the two of them, I will not be tossed aside in the equation. That is not right, because that will effect us when we have a child.

Those things you think you giving up because of this child - you aren't.
Do you think he wanted his first child to come into the world this way? I am sure he didn't. But, what's done is done.
IF you two work it out, he will get to experience bringing a child into a loving relationship. Don't devalue that. You think your life is over when it comes to firsts. But it is not.

What you are going through is something I don't think I could do. I think every time I looked at this child, all I would see if the mom and the affair. I know that is not fair to me or more importantly, this child.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

Those things you think you giving up because of this child - you aren't.
Do you think he wanted his first child to come into the world this way? I am sure he didn't. But, what's done is done.
IF you two work it out, he will get to experience bringing a child into a loving relationship. Don't devalue that. You think your life is over when it comes to firsts. But it is not.

What you are going through is something I don't think I could do. I think every time I looked at this child, all I would see if the mom and the affair. I know that is not fair to me or more importantly, this child.

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Honestly, with the pain and hurt and everything I have already gone through this is nothing new. This time around I did not loose it like I did when he left I was more shocked as I looked at him and said I new you were sleeping with her and I new this would happen! It was almost no surprise to me. What hurts is the long letter he wrote to me before telling me how I was everything he has ever wanted that he lost himself and had a hard time finding himself, so on and so forth and then dropped this... what I have realized with all of this is you never forget the cheating you never forget the hurt and the pain and what has happened. Forgivness is the only thing you can give and try to move forward. Sometimes being the bigger person and showing you can forgive is better than letting hate rule your life. Yes I will always hate her, but I have to forgive him and his mistake which is the child and that means forgiving the fact it is a product of infidelity, because as you have all said it isn't the kids fault. It also takes looking into your heart and realizing sometimes life don't always go as planned and hoped, maybe this is the path god wants you to take in life to be a better person who knows... im still looking for answers!

Well, this is a situation that no one can really give you an answer. If there was someone who said, "okay, now this is what you do and this is how you feel." it might make things easier.
But, it doesn't work that way. So you have to search your heart. Only you know if you this is something that you can get past. If you can and still have a healthy, sane relationship - then good for you. But, if you don't think you can lay down this anger and hurt - well... what next?

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Originally Posted by feelinhopeless

After talking with my counslor she agreed with me on drawing the line on there communication. She said that if she can't understand that and relate to what i am going through there will be issues later on. She needs to realize that the adultery that happened has a major effect on our marriage and she needs to respect the boundaries and support them. And there will be one extra child in my life not her. if the split is 50/50 then there is no need for her to intrude on us and no need for us to intrude on her. There will be joint decisions on discipline, schools and such, but that needs to be worked out between the three of us not the two of them, i will not be tossed aside in the equation. That is not right, because that will effect us when we have a child.

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She had unprotected sex with your husband and is now pregnant, I'm sure she is going to be understanging of boundaries.
I wish you the best.

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Originally Posted by feelinhopeless

Honestly, with the pain and hurt and everything i have already gone through this is nothing new. This time around i did not loose it like i did when he left i was more shocked as i looked at him and said i new you were sleeping with her and i new this would happen! It was almost no surprise to me. What hurts is the long letter he wrote to me before telling me how i was everything he has ever wanted that he lost himself and had a hard time finding himself, so on and so forth and then dropped this.....what i have realized with all of this is you never forget the cheating you never forget the hurt and the pain and what has happened. Forgiveness is the only thing you can give and try to move forward. Sometimes being the bigger person and showing you can forgive is better than letting hate rule your life. Yes i will always hate her, but i have to forgive him and his mistake which is the child and that means forgiving the fact it is a product of infidelity, because as you have all said it aint the kids fault. It also takes looking into your heart and realizing sometimes life dont always go as planned and hoped, maybe this is the path god wants you to take in life to be a better person who knows.....im still looking for answers!

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Well if you're looking to follow a path God sets, hating this child's mother isn't part of it. You can't follow his path and step only on the stones you want to step on. You cannot hate the mother and love that child. You can't forgive your husband and hate the other women, he is more guilty, he broke the vows he made to you.
You need to either forgive them both or leave him. Your hatred of her is going to spill over into your relationship with your husband and that child.

Homegirl seems to have all of the right answers of the head... just not the heart. It would be great if everything was as cut and dry and you say it in your responses... but it is not. Yes, she should not hate the mother... but it's natural to dislike her, not trust her and resent her. Yes god would like us to forgive and maybe with time that will happen - but not in the beginning. This lady now needs to respect HER. Feelinhopeless, the only thing I can say is that right now- you have him. You know she wants him. I bet she wants to make her "little family" complete, but he is choosing to be with you. You need to sit down and have a honest discussion with him. HONESTLY and BRUTALLY try and talk about it... maybe something's can be figured out. As you know, I am going through the same thing. I have tried to have these convo's with my guy but a lot of times he dosens't want to talk about it cause I know he is just as confused and angry as I am... but the thing is, it eventurally needs to be talked about and WILL be dealt with. My guys baby is due in a few weeks. We just found out the name the mom had picked... just hearing it killed me. I WANT to pick out a name for my child... but only he gets the wonderment of it all... I'm extrmemly scared that I won't be able to handle it all. I love him sooooo much, but I don't know if my heart can handle it. The best thing is try to talk to your man. See if you guys can reach an understanding. It will be a loooonnnng hhhaaarrdd road, but I believe that as long as he is able to put in efforts to, to be considerate about the way you feel and are hurting - even 3 years from now, maybe it will have a chance to work... it he's not though - only more pain may come. I don't think my guy will be able to deal with my hurt. I am more resentful now cause this child is postponing MY life. My guy is putting marriage on hold now and subsequently a family of my own. I am 29. I want to get married and have kids. I love kids, but this whole situation has caused me to look at them a little different as of late. If my guy would whole-heartedly love me and put my needs first (just a proposal!) so that I knew it was worth bearing all of these hurt and adjustment, perhaps I could do it. But with him ALREADY putting me to the side, I just don't know what to do. He says its casuse there SOO much going on now, but isn't that just an excuse?

If you are waiting for the other woman to respect your wishes and understand your feelings - you will be waiting a very long time.
She did not respect you or the vows you took when she slept with your husband. It is not going to happen now.

It is very easy to put all the blame, hurt and anger you are feeling on this woman and not your husband. Believe me I know. If you put all that on her - you won't have to give any responsibility to the one who made the commitment to you. These men need to own their part in all of this. Which in all reality - there part is in the majority. They are the ones that make commitments, promises, etc. Not this other woman.

Headorheart, give your guy some time. He just found out about all of this too. He probably doesn't know his head from a whole in the ground right now. IF you want this to work with him, try and give him the space he needs. It sucks, but he probably just feels totally lost. No excuse, I know, but from what you have posted, he thought this chapter of his life was done and then to get a call like that... He doesn't know what to do.

You are probably right :) Thank you.

Sometimes you have to use your head instead of your heart. I know this hurts, I know feelings are involved, but you need to think rationally. It's hard to do what God wants you to do, but that does not mean it's not the right thing to do, recognize that you need to do it and try.
I would love to see all of this work out for her. She has used her heart before and took him back only to have him step out again and impregnate this woman. Now there is a child involved in the triangle. It's time to use your head. You can still forgive your husband and work on forgiving this woman for you own sanity and peace of mind, but that does not mean you have to put your heart back in the position to be broken again.
It might be a good idea to separate until the dust settles, until this baby is born then maybe you both can see things clearly and know where you stand.
But only you know what you can deal with. I really wish you the best.

You deserve better and you need to find it. If you had kids together it would be a hard decision, but you can get out clean. I think he has always lacked a commitment to you and that is the reason the two of you never had kids together. Find someone who will appreciate your level of devotion.

We never had kids yet because we were to busy building for the future, financially and all. We love to travel and have been everywhere we love our activities from sky diving scuba diving skiing horses and all. We were getting to a point where I could be a at home mom and raise kids the right way.

If he was trying to work things out with you, how did he "slip" and have sex with the other woman? Sounds like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Be very weary of him.

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Originally Posted by Inspired

If he was trying to work things out with you, how did he "slip" and have sex with the other woman? Sounds like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. Be very weary of him.

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as he said, it was before he made his choice that I was the one he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, that when it happened we go in an argument in September and that is when he said screw it and slept with her... taking that at face value of course!

Maybe you should think about how the child will feel when the child grows up. Home video of the birth, and there's no daddy. First few walks video taped, still no daddy. Cheerleading games videotaped, and there's no daddy in the stand to watch. They're playing baseball, homerun but it's not as great because there's no daddy. It's not fair for this child to have his/her father miss out because his girlfriend/wife doesn't want him to be there. You might not know this, but it hurts. It really does. As for me, it makes me resent her so much. I feel like I honestly hate her for that. I didn't have my biological father there to watch me grow up, because his new wife didn't want him there. You shouldn't take him out of the babies life just because of your selfish reasons.

EDIT: While this whole talk about what he is and isn't allowed to do with the child may be you venting because you're upset, it just makes me think that this could be the type of conversation that his new wife had with him. You may resent the situation and that women, but do not bring it out on the child. The child is a human being, not a doll and not a dog. The baby didn't ask to be brought in this world, and s/he should be treated with respect and love.

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Originally Posted by uhhleesha

Maybe you should think about how the child will feel when the child grows up. Home video of the birth, and there's no daddy. First few walks video taped, still no daddy. Cheerleading games videotaped, and there's no daddy in the stand to watch. They're playing baseball, homerun but it's not as great because there's no daddy. It's not fair for this child to have his/her father miss out because his girlfriend/wife doesn't want him to be there. You might not know this, but it hurts. It really does. As for me, it makes me resent her so much. I feel like I honestly hate her for that. I didn't have my biological father there to watch me grow up, because his new wife didn't want him there. You shouldn't take him out of the babies life just because of your selfish reasons.

EDIT: While this whole talk about what he is and isn't allowed to do with the child may be you venting because you're upset, it just makes me think that this could be the type of conversation that his new wife had with him. You may resent the situation and that women, but do not bring it out on the child. The child is a human being, not a doll and not a dog. The baby didn't ask to be brought in this world, and s/he should be treated with respect and love.

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You have it all wrong... I AM HIS WIFE... and he has never been married to another person. This was a fling... and I am not aking him to not be part of the child's life what so ever. I want him to be, but as counslors have said that there should be no bonding time between the three of them because that is giving the child false pretence that they are a family when in deed we (he and I) would be the family. There needs to be lines drawn for our marriage to heal and grow in a positive direction not a negative one and those boundaries need to be set up so the child also knows what a real family is. He does not want to be with her at all for numerouse reasons. He and I need to raise the child together and not the other woman in the picture, she will always be mom and have 50 percent custody but we will be the other parents with 50 custody. As for the videos and such... if he isn't living with her he isn't going to be in the videos simple as that he is a part time parent because he does not want to be with her. As for school life and such I will make sure he is there but it is not going to be in the pretence of the other woman child and daddy... that is just wrong and is not right

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Originally Posted by feelinhopeless

giving the child false pretence that they are a family when in deed we (he and i) would be the family.

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This child's family will consist of his mother, his father and his step mom. Not just you and your husband.

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There needs to be lines drawn for our marriage to heal and grow in a positive direction not a negative one and those boundaries need to be set up so the child also knows what a real family is.

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A real famiy for this child will be, again, His mother, his father and his step mom. Just for the simple fact of how he came into this world.

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He and I need to raise the child together and not the other woman in the picture, she will always be mom and have 50 percent custody but we will be the other parents with 50 custody.

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You may want custody of this child so you don't have to deal with her, but I doubt that will happen. This woman is in your life now, for as long as you are with your husband.

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....that is just wrong and is not right

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It's not right for you and your plans.