Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

What should I do?

I am so lost and confused right now, I don't even know what to think.

My husband, in my opinion, is getting a little too close to his sister's husband's little sister. He calls her (which I know for a fact, his cell is in my name, I get the records) and writes her on the internet (myspace/yahoo). When I walk into the room, I can clearly see he's writing to her, and as soon as he sees me, BAM, he deletes whatever he is doing and closes out the page.

He wrote to everyone recently announcing his new job offer in California. She wrote him a message (I snuck up on him and read it before he could delete it) saying something like "we need to talk about what you are doing, call me" replying about his job offer. Why the hell would she care, if something wasn't going on?

Now mind you, she is in Kentucky (which is where he is from) and we are in Florida. I didn't think anything of this until he said he wanted to go to Kentucky alone, saying it would be too much of a hassle to bring the kids. He says he wants to go for another job interview (dont ask me why, he already accepted a job offer paying well more than we need). We plan on moving to California in November, so why wouldn't he want me and the kids to go and visit his mom before we make the big move? Hmm? Seems fishy to me.

Whenever I ask him about this he just blows me off and says "i dont know why she talks to me"... BULL! I'm getting to the point where I just want to leave. I barely trust him anymore, and I just don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

I think you need to be a little more confrontational.
Make him explain. Or make her explain!
Don't make me come over there!

I do confront him, and he gets all defensive and yells at me. I'm thinking about writing her, but I'm not sure about that yet. If its nothing, I don't want to feel stupid, but if it is something, I don't want to look stupid for staying with him.

I always told myself I would not put up with any crap.

I would not put with any crap either! This sounds like crap to me. What is he trying to get by with? Have you talked to your sister about this? Maybe she can do some digging around for you. At least alert her so she can have her radar up and running. How old is this brother-in-law's sister? The story about another job interview is fishy to me too. If it were a bona fide interview, taking family with would be no hassle.

I am sorry you are going through this, truly I am. Here is to a peaceful resolution. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Speak softly and carry a big stick! Take care.

I would say that I would take the cell phone away and block him from the computer, and tell him he can talk to his little... ( you pick the word) from his own house if he wants to keep talking to her.

Thank you both for responding :)

The brother in law's sister is 19, whenever I talk about her I refer to her as "the little girl".. I think that pisses him off.

Thank you for thinking of me shygrneyez, I really appreciate it. :)

And to Chuck, I have seriously thought about taking the phone away like you said, I think I just might do that.

I am not allowing this crap anymore. He always acts like everything is "hunky dory" (until I bring this up), which makes me think he is just being nice to me to cover up for whatever he is pulling behind my back.

What would you tell someone in your spot?

I'm so sorry that your husband is acting so sneaky. I would be suspicious as well. You need to lay down the law here. You are getting ready to uproot your family to a new state for his new job. The last thing you want is to get out there and how him run off to Kentucky (and honestly for a 19 year old?? Come on... ). I would tell him that he needs to tell you what is going on now. I would tell him that if the more defensive he gets and the more he refuses to talk about it that you are just going to draw your own conclusions and that he does not want that.

My thoughts are with you. You are way too good of a person to have someone treat you this way. Not fair at all.

Thank you Glinda :)

To me when he acts defensive like that it means he is doing something wrong. When I ask him about it he gets really mad and either yells at me or doesn't talk to me anymore. If he wasn't doing anything wrong, I would think he would just tell me instead of getting so mad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

Thank you Glinda :)

To me when he acts defensive like that it means he is doing something wrong. When I ask him about it he gets really mad and either yells at me or doesnt talk to me anymore. If he wasnt doing anything wrong, I would think he would just tell me instead of getting so mad.

I agree people who have nothing to hide don't act so irrational. For example my best friend was snooping in her fiancés apartment and find letter and pictures of his ex girlfriend in a drawer. She lost it. She thought it meant he still had feelings for her and was still in love with her. He just looked at her and said I had no idea they were in that drawer. I don't use it. Let's throw out all this stuff right now and go through some of my other drawers and make sure nothing is left over. She said that by him doing that she knew there were no residual feelings and he was carrying nothing.

See I wish my husband would just be like that. I wish he would say something like "i'm sorry, I didnt know it hurts your feelings" or something like that, instead he just says "maybe she likes me" or "i dont know why she talks to me".. ugh!

I hate myspace for this very reason, but he is #1 on her myspace, above her brother and sister and the rest of her family. I told him that if she does like him it makes her look obvious, and people nowadays need to cover their tracks better if they are going to do wrong. He just rolled his eyes.

Nauticalstar, When you get to California-welcome! It does sound as if your husband is getting a little closer to cheating. Do everything in your power to circumvent this. He is YOUR Husband, as in mine all mine. And he has small children to raise to adulthood. She is not going to care if your world gets turned upaside down, turn hers around a little right now.
Better an ounce of prevention... Although I will say if a man wants to cheat , he will. Some other willing participant is around-or on every corner.

Thank you for responding cerisa :)

Everyone in his family knows this girl, even his mom. I will see what I can stir up, maybe someone knows something. If they do, hopefully they will tell me the truth. I hope at least someone thinks about my feelings if they do know something.

I know the feeling. I think you should ask him straight up, but you would still be curious if he answer you truthfully, right? Good luck !

Thank you for your response Marily :)

Okay, I told him what I was feeling and he completely shut down. I asked him to talk to me about it and he said "I dont respond to people that dont trust me". So much for talking about my feelings, because apparently he doesn't care. :(

I guess I'll just have to do some investigating.

I used to feel like this, I logged into my husband accounts, it was awfull spying around like that, but sometimes the feeling of insecurity is too much. I think whether he is guilty or of anything or not the truth will come out sooner or later

I read a book- "you can't have him, he's mine" it is full of GREAT advice for women who's men are cheating, thinking of cheating or are just dogs who stray all the time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerisa

I read a book- "you can't have him, he's mine" it is full of GREAT advice for women who's men are cheating, thinking of cheating or are just dogs who stray all the time.

Thanks! I'll look into that. :)

Now I'm really confused. I talked to him this morning and he said he doesn't want to go to Kentucky anymore and he's calling around today to find out what this girl wants.

Of course I am not stupid, he can call anyone for all I know and come home from work with a new story. My guard is no where near going down.

Quote:

Wondergirl agrees: He gets mad because he's on the defensive (i.e. somehow guilty for something).

That's exactly what I was thinking too. Why get so mad if you aren't doing anything wrong?

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

Thanks! I'll look into that. :)

Now i'm really confused. I talked to him this morning and he said he doesnt want to go to Kentucky anymore and he's calling around today to find out what this girl wants.

Of course I am not stupid, he can call anyone for all I know and come home from work with a new story. My guard is no where near going down.

Hey Doll,
Sorry you're going through this. I'd be suspicious as well, so I don't blame you. Maybe this means he's had time to think and is starting to see what his actions look like to others?
I can't give much better advice than the others, but maybe you could make an excuse to call her and say something like...
(very sweetly) "Hey, I noticed you've been calling *hubby* a lot lately. Is there anything I can help you with?"

She'd probably crap her pants. :D

Quote:

Originally Posted by LearningAsIGo

Hey Doll,
Sorry you're going thru this. I'd be suspicious as well, so I don't blame you. Maybe this means he's had time to think and is starting to see what his actions look like to others?
I can't give much better advice than the others, but maybe you could make an excuse to call her and say something like...
(very sweetly) "Hey, I noticed you've been calling *hubby* a lot lately. Is there anything I can help you with?"

She'd probably crap her pants. :D

LOL she probably would, and I'd feel good knowing that I made her do it... thats kind of evil. :p

He did say this morning too that he has been under a lot of stress with getting out of the Navy and moving and stuff like that. I have been trying to figure out of that ties into this at all.

Listen sweety, coming from a 41 year old woman who has already been on that ride, if it smells fishy, it is fishy. Tell him that you and the kids will be going with him, like it or not. You might be able to nip this thing in the bud.

As dumb as it is, some guys just fall into a "flirting friendship trap" kwim? By all means, he should explain himself to you... but guys (& girls) start with friendly talk... then it becomes flirting... etc.
If he's stressed, maybe he (stupidly) reached out to a person who wasn't directly related to it... and things snowballed. Hopefully that's all and hopefully he's waking up to his behavior.

Before I married my husband, he had a work friend like this (we met at work, so I knew her too). She called him "babe" and he called her "hun" in return. Since he wasn't thinking much of it, he actually did it in front of me! I knew they were friends, but that took it over the top for me...
We got home that day and he asked why I was (obviously) upset. I told him... he still didn't think it was a big deal. Until I reminded him that this woman was KNOWN to cheat on her husband with coworkers.
Doh! His lightbulb went off and he realized that "hun" lumped him into that group (she actually got pregnant by another coworker later)

Sorry, not to steal your post... just trying to say sometimes guys don't think about what this kind of thing may look like to others.

I hope so anyway... I HATE to think he'd do something like that to you. :(

Wow, what a bummer!

I hope that you find a way to get this cleared up. Have you already made relocation plans?

I'd be absolutely going ballistic at this point and setting an ultimatum. How dare him hold back on something this critical - this is not just a trip to Disneyland that your about to make and he should darned well respect that.

I'd insist on going with him to Kentucky and to hell with the hassle - he needs to put up or shut up.

Good luck dear, my fingers are certainly crossed, when I'm not on AMHD typing.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_165_7.gifI'm really, really pi$$ed. I wish somehow he could feel all the anger from all of us right now - that would be a kick in the ***.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

LOL she probably would, and i'd feel good knowing that I made her do it...thats kind of evil. :p

He did say this morning too that he has been under a lot of stress with getting out of the Navy and moving and stuff like that. I have been trying to figure out of that ties into this at all.

You're not evil, you deserve to be treated honestly.

Esp that bunk about "I don't respond to people who don't trust"... You shouldn't have to tolerate people who are deceptive.

Stress can manifest itself in many ways, but it's not an excuse to lie to your life's partner.

Where in cali are you moving to sweetie? I can give you some info about San Diego areas

Thank you all for caring so much! I feel funny talking about things like this with my mom, because she will only say one thing... "leave him and come home"... and since I don't know for sure what is going on yet, I do not want to use that option yet.

I told him last night that it makes him look bad. Even if nothing is going on, this girl is making him look bad. I asked him how it would look if the tables were turned and I was in this situation, and he admitted that it would look bad to him too.

I told him I was getting sick of all of this. I told him that even if he was looking for someone to talk to, it looks bad, and he trusts people way too much (he really does, he's the type that will tell his business to just anyone). He said he would take care of all of this, so hopefully he does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerisa

Where in cali are you moving to sweetie? I can give you some info about San Diego areas

I am moving to Ridgecrest, about 115 miles from Los Angeles. I was born and raised in California, so I'm pretty much just going back home. :p

Here's hoping he will see the error of his ways.

Sending Good Vibes!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_1_23.gif

Okay, Welcome Home then!

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptainRich

You're not evil, you deserve to be treated honestly.

Esp that bunk about "I don't respond to people who don't trust"...You shouldn't have to tolerate people who are deceptive.

Stress can manifest itself in many ways, but it's not an excuse to lie to your life's partner.

That crap he gave me about not talking to people that don't trust him really made me mad. Its like I can't even talk to him about anything serious, he just shuts down. I don't know if he feels threatened about serious conversations or what.

I brought up just taking a break, and he said he didn't want me to leave, so I don't know. The way it looks, he just wants to have is cake and eat it too. I don't know if that's the case, but that's how it looks.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Chery

Here's hoping he will see the error of his ways.

Sending Good Vibes!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_1_23.gif

Aww thank you. You are such a good and sweet person. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

"leave him and come home"

You don't have to tell him if you're just going for a *cough-cough* visit.

You could simply be going to visit before the big move...
Let him believe what he wants. He's doing the headgames now...

.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptainRich

You don't have to tell him if you're just going for a *cough-cough* visit.

You could simply be going to visit before the big move...
Let him believe what he wants. He's doing the headgames now...

.

That is very true. Maybe it would shine some light on some things for him. Maybe he'll see what is important to him. If its not me and his family, that's his loss.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

That is very true. Maybe it would shine some light on some things for him. Maybe he'll see what is important to him. If its not me and his family, thats his loss.

I think you see where I'm going with this...

"I'm going to Mom's!" doesn't mean you're leaving him forever... just getting into his head.
Hopefully he's mature enough to begin thinking and understand what he's doing.
Just let him believe... now I'm evil.:p

LOL I don't think you could ever be evil. :p

I definitely know where you are going with this though, and it's a good idea.

Hey Star, I just came across your post! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a frustrating, stressful time. I must agree with the others, it sounds WAY fishy to me. I've been in about the same situation before and I've seen my now hubby act the way your hubs is acting now and he was guilty as charged! Before my husband and I were married I saw a number in his cell of a girl he had a fling with back in high school... the number had always been there but this time he home phone number was added in... I confronted him about it and he yelled at me and got defensive. He even tried to make me feel like I was a bad person because I wasn't fully trusting him. To make a long story short, I was right, this girl and him had a little fling going on behind my back. Of course, we resolved it, had counseling, all that jazz. Trust your woman's intuition, it's usually right! If I were you, I would bully my way into going to Kentucky with him no matter what. Once I got there I would do some major observing! Good luck girl and I really really hope thinks work out for you and your family. Let us know if you need anything!

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Originally Posted by rankrank55

Hey Star, I just came across your post! I'm so sorry to hear you are going through such a frustrating, stressful time. I must agree with the others, it sounds WAY fishy to me. I've been in about the same situation before and i've seen my now hubby act the way your hubs is acting now and he was guilty as charged! Before my husband and I were married I saw a number in his cell of a girl he had a fling with back in high school...the number had always been there but this time he home phone number was added in...I confronted him about it and he yelled at me and got defensive. He even tried to make me feel like I was a bad person because I wasn't fully trusting him. To make a long story short, I was right, this girl and him had a little fling going on behind my back. Of course, we resolved it, had counseling, all that jazz. Trust your woman's intuition, it's usually right! If I were you, I would bully my way into going to Kentucky with him no matter what. Once I got there I would do some major observing! Good luck girl and I really really hope thinks work out for you and your family. Let us know if you need anything!

Maybe counseling is a good idea. I think we need it, not only for this, but for his stress issues too. I don't want to just throw in the towel before some effort is made to try and fix this. Thanks ranky! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

Maybe counseling is a good idea. I think we need it, not only for this, but for his stress issues too. I dont want to just throw in the towel before some effort is made to try and fix this. Thanks ranky! :)

No problamo star! After I found out that he was a bit unfaithful, I still wanted us to work so we did pre-marital counseling. It really helped us find each other and it helped me regain my trust; it worked wonders. Everything is peachy now! :)

Trust is something I'm afraid I'm going to have an issue with. It is hard for me to trust people in the first place, and when someone does wrong to me I usually never trust them again, and if I do, it takes a lot of work.

I wonder if he fully understand the peril he's placed on his family...
And his future...