My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?

Personally I don't know how you can love man that violated your child. You probably are this way because your mother loved a molester and so you think, well he'll get better, it's not that bad.
What do you tell you daughter if she sees you with the man that stole her innocence?
Child molestation is not a flaw, it's a crime and they both should be in jail.
I would not call you normal because you have found an excuse for this type of behavior. I suggest you get some therapy to find out how you can feel you love this monster.

I doubt that what you feel is really love for this man. How could you continue to love the man who sexually molested his own daughter? There is forgiveness, yes, but that does not there has to be letting him back in. Do you honestly think that a sexual molester only ever does that once and never again?

If you get back with him, he may never be allowed children - since he should be on a sex offender registry and have provisions of his parole. But then you did not say he actually spent time in prison. If you do get back with him, what happens when he is around his granddaughters? If I were your daughter, it would be a cold day before I would come into the home with my Dad living there. Neither he nor you would be allowed in my home.

I think you do need to see a therapist and find out what makes you tick when it comes to even thinking about letting your ex husband back in.

Dysfunction is handed down from generation to generation.

Your choice of a mate is a perfect example. We get our wiring done in our pre-adolescence and it affects us in ways we don't even know:divorce, alcoholism, infidelity, promiscuity, etc... you have to fight it your whole life... God bless our parents! Yikes.

Anyway, no way in hell you should bend to the notion that you love him still - and test your love for him.
Never. Never. Ever... Never... He may be citizen #1, but he was enemy #1 to your kids. And that is not forgettable...


Love is real. But it's not always real smart.

Can I ask where he lives? I don't want my children anywhere near a monster like this, and I'll move if I have to. I have a beautiful 13 year old daughter and if my husband did that to her I couldn't love him PERIOD.

With love comes respect. I can't imagine respecting a man who stole my child's innocence.

What the F***, you should not even consider such an option... Are you for real or is this a wind up.

He is a pervert and should be castrated. The sickist of human kind.

You fell in love with the outward image he portrayed, but you are forgeting the abnormal nature of the person...

What sort of person are you ! To consider being with your daughters abuser... How do you think this would make her feel...

Get a grip.

There is no such thing as an ex child molester. Your child was not the first and probably not the last. You need some help lady.

I really think that you need some help. You have issue's that you need to deal with. Your mother as well.

To give you an idea of normality.

Would everyone reading this Answer this simple question.

Is peodophila wrong. Yes or No.

Watch the results and then get some help.

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Originally Posted by 4answers

Is peodophila wrong. Yes or No.

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Yes. On WAY too many levels.

You answered your own question. You know exactly how much pain your sister and daughter went through, which compounded your own grief.
Keep him out of your life where he belongs. You cannot date him without hurting your daughter and therefore, yourself. Old feelings aren't worth risking the relationship you have with your daughter or yourself respect.

Lady, in all due respect, you need some serious psychotherapy.

This is what they call a cycle of abuse. You grew up thinking that not only was it okay and normal for a father to RAPE his children but that you should forgive and love that person afterwards. Your way of thinking is very wrong and extremely unhealthy.

There are no cures of the sexual compulsions of a pedophile. Even chemical castration does not guarantee that they will not re-offend. The pedophile has to recognize that their behavior is a compulsion and control it most cannot. People like this are master manipulators and tend to control the situations in which they live and will lie to get whatever they want.

Please seek some professional help to understand why you feel the way you do.

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Originally Posted by GlindaofOz

Lady, in all due respect, you need some serious psychotherapy.

This is what they call a cycle of abuse. You grew up thinking that not only was it okay and normal for a father to RAPE his children but that you should forgive and love that person afterwards. Your way of thinking is very wrong and extremely unhealthy.

There are no cures of the sexual compulsions of a pedophile. Even chemical castration does not guarantee that they will not re-offend. The pedophile has to recognize that their behavior is a compulsion and control it most cannot. People like this are master manipulators and tend to control the situations in which they live and will lie to get whatever they want.

Please seek some professional help to understand why you feel the way you do.

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I agree. I would really like to tell you what I would like to do to this man and your father ! I can't tell you because I would be banned from this site I can't do it for real because I would be locked up. And yet I am 110% certain that I speak for the majority of NORMAL people.

Please Please Please Stop this cycle right now. Its is in your power ! You are the adult. The responsible person.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Personally I don't know how you can love man that violated your child. You probably are this way because your mother loved a molester and so you think, well he'll get better, it's not that bad.
What do you tell you daughter if she sees you with the man that stole her innocence?
Child molestation is not a flaw, it's a crime and they both should be in jail.
I would not call you normal because you have found an excuse for this type of behavior. I suggest you get some therapy to find out how you can feel you love this monster.

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Had to spread it. This is harsh but true. You have no business "loving" this man (if you can even call him that.) You don't have the right to repeat a mistake just because your mother made it. Your lucky your daughter's father hasn't killed this guy and you, or at the very least gone to court and had custody taken away from you.

How in the world could you ever think about going back with someone like that?
I'm a mother of 2 little girls and I would be in jail if someone EVER did that to one of my kids.
You really need to think about your kids and their feeling. If you're a good mother, you would never be with anyone that would ever hurt your kids!
Sorry if that comes off mean, but that's just my feelings!

I think she gets it... and she's gone...
I HOPE she gets it...

Why did your dad stop with your sister? You sure your Dad did not hurt you, if not physically then as all the above have pointed out, your view of what is acceptable in your life is not considered normal... you need some counseling.

Neither my Dad nor my ex ever raped anyone. My Dad touched my sister inappropriately, she told. Had she not who knows how it may of progressed. But since the rest of us children did not know until years later it did not affect our upbringing. We had a normal childhood and when we found out while shocking it was so many years in the past with no other incidences that it was easier to continue loving such a man. In my ex's case. We had taken custody of his niece who had unfortunately lost both of her parents and had been molested in the past. She was emotionally scarred and We tried to get her counciling but she refused to talk to any of the 9 councelors we took her to. In the end they would just refer us to another councilor that maybe she would be more compatible with who maybe she would talk to. She was classically, sexually active at an early age and began making advances at my ex on a regular basis. Obviously the man had mental problems and began to take advantage of the poor child but would always stop it and send her away before it came to rape. Then his twisted mind began thinking that My Daughter would like it to! He tried to touch her and she screamed bloody murder, and my niece was in the house and all was told to me immediately. My ex and I had a son together who was just a baby. The only reason I have even kept in touch with him is that he had visitation rights Supervised the first few years of course. He has been a model dad to my son throughout his life.Of course he went to jail, and when he was released had years of counciling and ten years on the registry as was the rule at that time. He has never before or after to anyone's knowledge hurt anyone else. I have known this man since I was 16 and after 30 years he has shown himself to be a good person and everyone that has ever known him most of which know about his past, has found him to be a thoughtfull, law abiding citizen. NONE of this exuses his past actions nor my fathers, but if people can not change and learn to control there actions Why do we have programs in place to help them instead of just shooting them and being done with it? I have never had my daughter around this man again and I did report him send him to jail and divorce him, But because I can forgive and still care about someone that has been in my life for 30 years I am now the sicko and need the help! Is there anyone out there that has been through a similar experience and thus have a basis on which to give advise. If you don't smoke you can not give advise on how to quit. And although you may all be correct in your judgement of my sanity, I would prefer to hear from those with life experience in the subject matter, or that is a councelor in the field. I know that when my ex was in counciling there were several wives that stayed married to these men, though at the time I was in my angry years and could not understand it myself. I wanted to hear from them because if the majority was later disappointed and hurt because they can not change, I did not wish to be put through it again. But if the majority are success stories as my mothers is, then perhaps I am not as crazy as you think. While most true pedifiles are repeat offenders most opportunists are just mentally weak and once caught never offend again. Know you subject matter before jumping on the band wagon. Thank you.

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

While most true pedifiles are repeat offenders most opportunists are just mentally weak and once caught never offend again. Know you subject matter before jumping on the band wagon. Thank you.

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Hello again B:

Somebody must have told you there's a difference between pedophiles and opportunists. In my experience, there isn't.

Plus, I'm not sure what you're trying to say. You did the right things. You protected your daughter. You didn't put her at risk again. All that's cool. And, it's OK to love him, if you do. You don't need my permission.

excon

I beggers believe... I try not to sound offensive but this angers me to the core of my being... What is it that you as a person CANNOT UNDERSTAND.

YOU LOOK AT A CHILD AND SEE A CHILD, you have caring feelings. Love and compansion.

YOU LOOK AT AN ADULT, PUBERTY 17 18 19 ONWARDS AND POSSIBLEY SEE SEXUAL ATRACTION.

****YOU DO NOT LOOK AT A PRE PUBESENT CHILD AND SEE SEXUAL ATTRACTION ****

PERIOD ! IF YOU DO THEN YOU ARE SICK AND NEED HELP.

Now are you telling me that you look at young children boys and girls and want to touch them or have sex with them ? From what you have said that is no, that is normal. The men you mention DO LOOK AT THEM THIS WAY. To touch someone in private areas means you are looking at them in a sexual way... This does not change, they have not changed, they are sick... This is not a case of bad judgement it is fundementally wrong, sick and twisted...

Please believe me that I do not mean offence as I understand the trauma such events caues but you cannot and there is not excues at all period for this behaviour...

Please people help me to get through to this person the reality of this situation.

No I don't need anyone's permission to feel something. But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future in the future and I would never want to do that. I guess I was just looking for a sounding board so I could decide if it was worth the risk. I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.

I cannot believe you are still looking for support here. I don't think you will get what you are looking for. He was wrong and so are you and am wondering why you were not charged or will you be? Charged with child endangerment.

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future

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Hello again, B:

ACTING on it IS the key. You apparently DID that, and protected your daughter from further harm. I was commending you on that. I also said it's cool to love him - that's got nothing to do with children. That's got to do with YOU. You're an adult. So, go do that, and have a happy life.

But, no matter what you might hope for, and what you might wish for, DON'T EVER let him be alone with children again - EVER. THAT'S ACTION.

excon

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

No I don't need anyone's permission to feel something. But acting on it may hurt my daughter or my grandkids in the future in the future and I would never want to do that. I guess I was just looking for a sounding board so I could decide if it was worth the risk. I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.

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There probably is, going through the courts right now. The perverts (who in my opinion should be shot and I would gladly do it) leave behind them a wake of devastation and destruction, destroyed youth, destroyed relationship etc... But of course this is the act of an unselfish, loving caring person ! OF Course it is not...

Please take off your rose coloured glasses, ignore the grooming that these perverts do on adults as well as kids and see the CREATURE for what it is.

We all like to see the good in people and forgive. But some things are Pure selfish evil desire for self gratification that will harm the other people for the rest of their lives!

This is what you think you love !

This is not just some affair in a moment of weakness. This is pure selfish uncaring self gratification at the harm and expense of another human being...

DO YOU PEOPLE NOT LISTEN! My children are grown. I never endangered them never had my daughter around him from the second I found about it. Why do you feel there should be court action against me. Please explain.

If you allow him back in your life and expose your grandchildren to him, then you would deserve to have charges brought against you. You know what he did and child molesters are not of a curable sort of people. One of my Psych professors said there are only two known cures for them - both quite illegal now.

You offend me ! Your attitude is sick. I am normally not a rude person, but I cannot condon your action and I will report this to the authorities.

To the moderators on this site please take action now, this person is clearly OK with putting children at risk. Please forward this person details to the authorities of which country she belongs. I will also report this to the Uk Authorities.

Thank you. A concerned citizen for the health and well being of children.

excon, I normally agree with 99% of what you say. But why are you willing to deal with this individual who can only think of herself, is she worth all your efforts, she wants the OK again to bring this animal back into her daughters life. I won't give it to her and I hope you don't as well

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Originally Posted by 4answers

You offend me..... I cannot condon your action and I will report this to the authorities.

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Hello 4:

Relax, Dude!

There's not even the suggestion that a crime has been committed here. I get that you don't like her. But, if you snitch, for no apparent reason other than to cause her trouble, I'll be highly offended!

If you want to call the cops, find a REAL crime.

excon

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Originally Posted by excon

Hello 4:

Relax, Dude!

There's not even the suggestion that a crime has been comitted here. I get, that you don't like her. But, if you snitch, for no apparent reason other than to cause her trouble, I'll be highly offended!

If you wanna call the cops, find a REAL crime.

excon

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With the utmost respect to yourself, I have seen the effects of child abuse and although the op clearly did love and perhaps still has feeling for this person there is no excuse to allow this abuser anywhere needs children. The op might not be concerned about the after effect of abuse on her daughters life. That is clearly her choice and she does not see this as an issue. In other words she is putting her interest before that of a victim of child abuse. That is 100 % wrong. It is because of this attitude that abuse is so often not reported and continues.

I cannot allow this to happen both for the sake of the op daughter and other children. I have therefore requested the moderators take action as I will.

The op should not have a problem in any way manner or form that the authorities no about this. No caring person would.

I am sorry if you disagree with this course of action. But the welfare of children must come first.

Regards
4 answers.

Let lay it on the table. This is the ? We all should be asking. How could she love this sicko who has hurt her child in this way. There are many things I'd like t do to the animal and I can't believe she does not. Doeas she not love herself to have the self respect to see what she wants to do is wrong. Oh no starting to feel like there are some things I'd like to de to her. Ought to go.

There is no such thing as an ex-child molester. Once a molester always a molester

Are you out of your mind? Or all just illiterate. As I have said the child is grown over 18 and out of the house and We are not even dating This is a love I carry in my heart and have not acted upon at all, which is why I was seeking advise? The only wrong action I have taken was to pour my heart out to a bunch of people who would prefer to sit in judgement and start a lynch mob rather than to listen or give advise. And you call yourself Christians??

Ok, we all understand that your kids are grown. But think of it this way, do you really think that your kids would want to even sit across from him at the table at like holidays and stuff... after what he has done?
I'm guessing they wouldn't!

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

Are you out of your mind? Or all just illiterate. As I have said the child is grown over 18 and out of the house and We are not even dating This is a love I carry in my heart and have not acted upon at all, which is why I was seeking advise? The only wrong action I have taken was to pour my heart out to a bunch of people who would prefer to sit in judgement and start a lynch mob rather than to listen or give advise. And you call yourself Christians????

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Who is calling themselves a Christian? Last time I checked this is non-denominational site.

I'm sorry but you are deluded if you thought announcing to a bunch of people that you are still madly in love with a man who violated children would be met with approval.

What do you want us to say? I think the problem here is that none of us can understand how you can love someone who did what your ex did. After all this time how could you still feel this way.

Apparently she thinks they do.

Furthermore, I hold a masters degree and my husband who agrees with me is a federal attorney. I am giving you what you asked for an opinion. If you don't like the opinions get of the site.

How could you ever look your child in the eyes again?

Since I don't consider myself a Christian, I don't have any problems with never forgiving a monster like that, either.

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I never expected it to be so one sided however. I assumed that since child molestation was so common that there would be others out there with my delimma.

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I'm really saddened by your statement. One sided? Because what you write about is abuse and wanting to justify a later relationship with a person who hurt your daughter... and yourself. Its one sided because to us (outside of the situation) its easy to see you're heading down the wrong path if you reinitiate contact.
When you mention child molestation being so common ( :( ) Its due in part to the offenders having long standing relationships with their victims. Example: Parents who continue to have access to the children they molest, family friends who remain in their lives, etc.

Quote:

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DO YOU PEOPLE NOT LISTEN! My children are grown. I never endangered them never had my daughter around him from the second I found about it. Why do you feel there should be court action against me. Please explain.

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As said before, you did the right thing by ending the relationship and protecting her. However, adult children or not, they are still your children and need to be protected by you. All the good you did in the past could be undone by starting a relationship with him again. (I don't get why court action should be taken... I'm not commenting on that)

If you think its one sided, that should actually tell you something. It means that within the millions of people with access to this PUBLIC Internet site, no one is considering a similar relationship. That alone should tell you that something may be wrong in acting on this.

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Originally Posted by danielnoahsmommy

let lay it on the table. this is the ? we all should be asking. How could she love this sicko who has hurt her child in this way.

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Hello again, mommy:

Ok, let's talk about that... Frankly, I don't think that's the question we should be asking. I do agree, however, it's for sure the question everybody IS asking.

Here's MY answer. From my perspective, I don't understand how an awful lot of people can love and support a whole variety of REALLY bad people. But they do, and you know some of them. They're your family members... That's a question that will NEVER be answered to my satisfaction. So, I just don't concern myself with it.

What I AM concerned about, like you, is the welfare of the children who might be exposed to this guy. She said that she removed her daughter when she should have, which was appropriate, and her daughter is grown up now. She has a choice whether she wants a relationship or not. That's not our call.

BEEN did say that she thinks loving this guy might put her grandkids at risk. I certainly put the kybosh on that idea, and hopefully, she got it.

But if she wants to love this perv, let her.

excon

This is not about being Christian, it is about common sense and discernment.
This man is a pedophile, and you think you still love him after he has molested your child. Do you not see a problem here? It does not matter that your child in now 18, she still carries scars and your associating with this monster would only re open them.
I'm curious to know how long you've had these feelings and what brought them on. Maybe you are just lonely, but you don need to revisit that mess.