I have not had an affair yet and have a soul mate that I did not marry when I was in college. We began dating in 1992 through 1994 then he went into the marine corp. We saw each other on and off until I became married. A year before my wedding I tried to contact him but could not get a hold of him. I married and moved away. Now we are both married with small children. He found me through Classmates.com and we reconnected (its been 10 yrs). I still love my husband (but would consider leaving due to many years of verbal abuse that I'm currently healing from) and my soulmate loves his wife, but we have expressed our love for each other through email and phone. We are in separate states now. We are very confused and conflicted and we mutually love each other. After reading a brief story in a message dated 11/26 by someone on this message board, I've come to realize I should let this go because.. after all, infidelity is wrong to begin and I should just pray for what is supposed to be. If we should divorce our spouses on our own in the future, I guess then we may be able to get together. If not, I was thinking, then it wasn't in our destinies. This is heart wrenching for me because I am 34 yrs old and we've talked about conceiving a child together although we have our own children. If we wait for the future then we will not be able to have our own child. I am willing to wait about 5 yrs until the baby factory is closed, I currently have two children. I still have family in the state where he lives and I will be going to a family reunion in June. We want to see each other but I know if we have sex it will be a mess, because we are in love and we are not ready to leave our spouses. Do you think we can meet each other when I visit just to see him and not have sex. I can bring my boys with me just to keep me in check. He wants to meet them anyway.. and then come home and live my regular life, and pray for the happiness of all including our intact marriages? Any advice? I'm also going to try to PM the person who left his soulmate alone and then ended up marrying her years later. Thank you for any advice. I know I have a family but I just don't want to be past childbearing years and then later on old, and regret the life I led.
Thank you,
thiemori

If you are in an unhappy marriage, I would break it off before you start dating again... If this soul mate of yours is happy to cheat on his wife with you, what makes you think he won't cheat on you?

Hello th:

I had to think about your question for a while. Frankly, I'm blown away that you would ask such a thing. I mean, if you're going to do it, then do it, but don't look to us for approval.

So, your situation is that you've made lifelong commitments to some people, but you've changed your mind. It doesn't matter to you, that the commitments you made DON'T have escape clauses. So, you make your own, unilaterally, without telling ANY of the other people involved.

You're about to ruin a lot of people's lives, and you actually wonder if anyone thinks that's cool. Hmmmm.

excon

What I don't want to do, is ruin my own life... and if I got some advice from someone whose been there done that, it would help guide me in the right direction. People have gotten divorces before, and I'm learning about this now as I think of possibilities.

Well my advice is think intensivily before you jump to any conclusion. Also it is wise that you don't cheat on your husband until you take your matter further.

Love is a funny thing.

You need to talk to your husband. End of story. If you love your husband, it is only fair that he know what is going on in your mind.

The long and short of it is that you made a promise to your husband, and your ex made a promise to his wife. Breaking promises (especially vows taken before your god!) will destroy yourself respect, your honor, and make it hard to build any happiness with each other.

You need to NOT think about your ex right now. You need to determine what it is you actually want. Whether you love your ex or not... you also love your husband and children. By sleeping with this man, you would doing something that would lose the respect of all of them.

Take my advice and cool down things with your ex, and work on what's NOT working in your marriage. If your marriage is that intolerable, then you need to end it BEFORE you make commitments to someone else.

Hello again, th:

You misunderstand. I have no problem with you finding your true love. If you've made a mistake, then you have, and that's so. Ok, the world isn't going to come to an end.

My advice is to END your current relationship before you start another. That's all. Real simple. Clean and no lies!

excon

Girl, I wouldn't even do it. Temptation is crazy but you have a family now. If it was really meant to be than it would have went down already. Having sex and social time is only going to make things Very confusing and you may even get hurt in the long run.

Thanks for your answers. I think you all are right. I really do know I'm going down a messy road if I do go through with seeing this man. I'm going to try to talk to my husband and I have a lot of thinking to do about my future if we are going to split. I also do know I may be alone for a while if we split, and I may not end up with my soul mate. I have been trying to work at my marriage, and I want to try everything before I end it. I really don't want to be an unfaithful wife. Thanks again for your answers.

Not only are you going down a messy road girl. Think about what would happen to your children. Not now, but later when they are older.

My ex husband had an affair on me, my children were 2 and 4 at the time. They are now almost 19 and 21. They do not know how to trust.

Something of this magnitude not only ruins the marriage, but can and does ruin the children.

Think of that before you go on.

And DO NOT take them to meet him when you have your reunion.

J_9 , I have a question for you: Did you divorce your husband when he had the affair or afterwards for another reason. I thought I'd be married forever and then I realized this may not be all right to go on like this for my entire life with the problems we've been having. I guess I should post this some where else but if you read this again and could answer me?. I'd appreciate this. I do feel like the world can come to an end (like excon said it wouldn't) when you divorce with small children and you are alone. That's my biggest fear, and dysfunction.

My husband had two gf's when we were married - he even had them both going on at the same time! I found out about one of them at the laundromat of all places - she worked there! I found out about the other one a week after I left him - got the florist bill for a dozen red roses he sent her, but sent the bill to me! Ain't love grand?

Your world WILL NOT come to an end if you leave your husband. You will survive - many women before you have made that step and are even better off than before.

I can understand you having problems with your husband, but please do not use those problems as an excuse to meet an old "soul mate" and start up a relationship when you have not the decent thing and finished the one you are in. Also know that if you begin with this other guy again, and your husband finds out - you could be the one without the home, the children, etc.

Talking to this man about what amounts to "pie in the sky" is only harmful. Sure it is attractive, compared to what you have now. He make it sound like heaven on earth. But you said that he is not ready to leave his wife. When he actually does leave his wife and when you actually do leave your husband, then reconnect and see if the magic is still there. I would daresay that it will not be.

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Originally Posted by thiemori

J_9 , I have a question for you: Did you divorce your husband when he had the affair or afterwards for another reason. I thought I'd be married forever and then I realized this may not be alright to go on like this for my entire life with the problems we've been having. I guess I should post this some where else but if you read this again and could answer me?... I'd appreciate this. I do feel like the world can come to an end (like excon said it wouldn't) when you divorce with small children and you are alone. Thats my biggest fear, and dysfunction.

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I divorced my husband when he had the affair. I found out shortly thereafter that she was pregnant with their child.

I too thought my marriage would go on forever. Until I found out that he was not loyal to me.

Well, dysfunction comes in many ways, shapes and forms. Not only affairs, but verbal abuse, mental and emotional abuse are also reasons.

But no, your world will not come crashing down on you or your children. But this is not a decision to make lightly.

How do you know, for an absolute fact, that you and your first love are really anything like you used to be? You really don't, or do you?

Were you happy in your marriage before you found this man again? Is he the reason why you are questioning your happiness or were you really and truly questioning it before?

One thing I would suggest is to make 2 lists.

One with the pros and cons of leaving your husband for this man, if indeed he will leave his wife (and how do you know he really will?)

And the other list would be the pros and cons of staying with your husband.

Then which one has the most honest pros? Then maybe consider a decision.

you need to have it one way or the other. Either stay with your husband and STOP all contact with the other man. Or you need to decide if the pursuit of the other relationship is what you want.

I absolutely HATE the term "soul mate"... its usually used by someone describing a lost love. I have a great marriage. I think my wife does too =)... but I think she could be happy with another man... and I could be happy with the right woman. We chose to be together. Poof. Love and commitment. "soul mate" is used to try to elevate a relationship to some mystic level.

I'm not going to judge you at all on issues with your marriage. You obviously care enough to be wrestling with this... not all marriages last. Even when vows are taken seriously.

but... right now, in my opinion, you are not taking your vows seriously and you are, RIGHT NOW, not honoring your marriage. You are channeling energy into another relationship.

so... time to think things through. Probably time to talk to your husband. He deserves to know the truth and deserves to decide whether he's willing to work through this or whether he is willing to be barely good enough.

but if you decide to be with your husband, you MUST not contact this other man. It is dishonest and selfish. At least until you can get him out of your head.

if the thought of leaving the past really in the past is too much for you to bear... well, you have your answer.

you thought you would love your husband forever, right? I hope so. If the answer is yes then why might it not be different with your "soul mate"? That is, just another relationship that starts great and then dies off? Maybe you need to know. Your decision. It might be better. It might not.

Quote:

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by kp2171,
But... right now, in my opinion, you are not taking your vows seriously and you are, RIGHT NOW, not honoring your marriage. You are channeling energy into another relationship.

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If you used all the energy and dedication you have put into this so-called soul mate, you don't think it would have made a difference in your relationship with your husband? The last thing someone who needs to work on their marriage, is a distraction that focuses on fantasy. Makes no sense to ruin lives for fantasies, or make believe.

J_9: We've been having serious problems before my ex contacted me. I didn't know it at the time but its been a long history of verbal and emotional abuse, and recently I decided to work through it if he agreed to stop the abuse. I had been trying from the beginning. Then I began realizing that marriage can be better, because I thought all marriages were like mine. When I realized some people are actually happy and not miserable, I began to wonder. I didn't wonder too much because I chose to stay home with my kids and homeschool them. I stopped working about 3 yrs ago to homeschool my sons. I have to go back to work, put my boys in school again and maybe daycare if I divorce my husband. I almost feel like I'd rather be alone than with my husband. We went to therapy once. It was very difficult for us to afford and for him to agree to go. He will go now, but after ten yrs of this I feel like nothing will really change. I am very scared of breaking up my home and not raising my boys in the same manner as I have been doing, but I feel a bit empty inside because of my husband. Its been like this for many years now. I find it encouraging to hear of others who have divorced and move on, and remarry or whatever, but are happy now. I do realize I may not end up with my ex, but I think my marriage still may have to end. I understand I must stop all contact with my ex if I am to try at my marriage. I've read that everywhere and it makes sense. I cannot expect my marriage to improve if I give someone else my attention. I have to think, but thank you so much for the advice.:(

Hun, have you read the other answers you have been given? Mine is just onw woman's story. It may or may not relate to you, but you have some VERY good answers here.

The way I look at it is that you are already cheating. Emotional cheating. You say you went to counseling once. But counseling does not help if you go once. It takes years.

Look, you don't know beyond the shadow of a doubt that this old flame will indeed leave his wife for you. This could be all talk that is getting you all emotional.

If you don't think you can go on with this marriage, at least be honest, open, and fair to your husband. He deserves to know what is going on.

You did not realize that you were in an "abusive" relationship until your old flame came along. Well, how do you know that it will not be the same, or worse? You don't.

Now, you say you feel empty inside because of your husband. Or is it that you feel empty inside because of you?

You need to stop all contact with the ex now. You really do not know him anymore. Work on what you already have. You loved your husband once didn't you? Remember what you love about him. Try and make that grow.

J-9... I do understand I owe it to my marriage to give it my full attention but what I meant to make a little clearer was that from the onset of my marriage up until recently was that I have been verbally abused. In the beginning I did not realize it was this. My husband would criticize everything I did, yell at me like a drill sergeant, call me stupid and dumb,. etc. This was going on for many years. I began to believe something was wrong with me, and I wanted to leave to a woman's shelter. We then went to therapy after I forced him to go. Then we had to keep switching therapists because he said they were attacking him, then we stopped going when I gave birth to our youngest son. This was about 3 yrs into our marriage. We have been married for ten yrs now, and its been rough because he still does this. When ex contacted me, I saw possibilities. I know it was wrong for me to feel like this would be my ticket out, but I feel like I have been searching for a way out all along. I have received some very good answers. Thank you for them. About the emptiness inside me... I don't know why,. its just there.

I think we all understand what you've been through but until you solve whether this marriage thing is to end, then not good to move on to another relationship period. You have a lot of healing to do as you adjust to a healthier life. You have a lot to think about.

You seem hell bent on having a child with this guy, what about the ones you already have? The only time you mentioned them was to say that you wanted them to meet him at the reunion, you have children now. Be honest with your husband, tell him, he is not a mind reader