Hello to everyone! And I want to thank everyone in advance for helping me with my huge problem. All advice is appreciated.

I am married to a man in the military, have been for 15 months. We dated for 3yrs prior. He has a HUGE issue with lying. He lies to me about everything. He has cheated 3 times. I love him with all my heart, and he has had a hard life. His family is complete sh*t. And, It doesn't surprise me that he acts the way he does at times... given where he came from. But, still that's no excuse.

He was recently stationed on the other side of the country (ft.lewis,WA) and I came back home to FL to visit my family for a month before I go out there. I leave in 2 weeks to move to WA. Since he has been there.. there have been MANY nights when he tells me goodnight.. and then I can't get a hold of him for the rest of the night. I call him when I get up at 6am.. 3am his time.. and I find out that he has been at the bar all night doing only God knows what.

He has cheated on me before, which has made me very insecure. I miss my family so much here in FL that I come home often.. and when I do, he is up to no good AGAIN. I know he loves me, and he wants to do better by me.. he just Doesn't.

He lies about EVERYTHING. I catch him in a lie At least once a day. Im scared all the time he is cheating again. And, Im so afraid to move to WA state. I know I married him, I love him. And we are supposed to make it work no matter what... but my insides are sick from all the stress.

ANYONE with advice, PLEASE give me some input... I do not want to talk to my family about his problems.. bc they will automatically tell me to stay here..

Thank you[/I][/B][/B]

My advice...

Leave him.

Did you marry him knowing he was a liar/cheater? If so then you put this upon yourself.

I feel so sad for your situation.. betrayal is the hardest thing to deal with, especially received from someone you obviously think the world of. The same thing happened to me although I was not married. We have really tried to make it work, however I could never fully trust him again even with him showing effort, I still thought he would do it again... so I had to let him go. It is so difficult to stick to this also, and we have spent the last 6 months going back and forth trying, getting pissed offf, trying again... even now all I want to do is call him and tell him about my day and share my life with him as it used to be. But I have to accept it won't work - we tried and I simply couldn't do it cause it made me feel the way you describe in your post and I couldn't take it any more. Its tough. Be true to yourself as you can recover but it takes time. Make a decision and stick to it as going back and forth all the time can get you so depressed and confused about what you are doing with your life. Take care of you.

Unfortunately, yes. I did marry him knowing he was lying/cheating. But he convinced me that if we were to be married/live together... he would be completely happy forever. We had a long distance relationship while we were dating... I was in college, he is in the military. I know I brought this on myself.. but was wondering if there were any other options, besides divorce. I love him with all my heart.. and all HE ever talks about is wanting children with me. When I mention the "D" word.. he gets upset, and assures me once I move to WA, things will be better... Im just not sure I can trust that. On the other hand, if things work out and we can get past these issues... I know I could be happy with him forever

Its hard to regain trust after it has been broken. Since he is known to be a liar and cheater , was it before marriage, if so did you think he would change after the "I do's". Put your love for him aside and do what's right for yourself and future. Do you really want to live your life like this? Follow your instincts because it always right, he sounds like a compulsive liar and you deserve better, leaving now would save you a lot of stress, drama, and its good for your own piece of mind and saves a whole lot of heartache.

Don't believe that once you move with him things will be right if already not. So what if he gets upset when you mention the D word, he should act like a husband and do right by you. If you love someone you always do your best not to hurt them and not bring hurt or pain to that person. He probulary miss that lesson, but if he did hurt you in the past he should have learned from it and not repeated the same mistake if he seen the afteemath of his mistake and how it made you feel. It seems he did not learn his lesson and will repeat it. If you decide to stay go to marriage counseloring and see how it works out for your.

Yes, I thought for certain things would be different after the "i dos"... He convinced me they would. We had been having a long distance relationship while dating.. I was in college, he in military.. I thought once we lived together, and were married... he would change. I know he loves me.. and it will destroy him if I divorce him... But its going to be really sad, moving all the way over there.. and if it doesn't work out, its going to be very costly coming back home. My car is being shipped over there (our expense), and if I leave him after Im there, Ill be responsible for getting all my things back over here.
You are exactly right that I can't live my life scared and worried all the time.. I just KNOW if he would/could change.. for good.. that we would be perfect together.
We have an amazing relationship when we are together, he's my best friend, we laugh all the time, and things seem perfect./... until Im away from him.. and he takes full advantage of me not being there... it makes me completely sick. Its like when Im gone, he loses all respect for me.. and my feelings.

A woman marries a man hoping she can change him, a man marries a woman hoping she will never change.

You can't change him, only he can do that, and it seems like he isn't willing to. So, can you live with the lies, the cheating, or not?

You say he's your best friend, well honey, with friends like that you don't need enemies.

The next step is yours, either accept him the way he is, or move on.

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Originally Posted by brknMilWife

It doesn't surprise me that he acts the way he does at times... given where he came from. But, still that's no excuse.

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If it's no excuse, then stop presenting it as an excuse.

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He lies about EVERYTHING. I catch him in a lie AT LEAST once a day.

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Ok, well, he's just being himself, right? He's a consistent old boy and exactly the guy you married, right?

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I'm scared all the time he is cheating again. And, Im so afraid to move to WA state. I know I married him, I love him. And we are supposed to make it work no matter what... but my insides are sick from all the stress.

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I guess I'm confused now. What is it you think you're "making work?" Everything is working just fine.

You married a lying, drinking, cheating man because you love him, and you're acting "scared and confused" that he might be a lying, cheating, drinking man?

What's up with that? He is being exactly who he is, the guy you wanted and married, and now you're crying "foul!"

I'm sorry, I mean this is gentlest, sincerest possible way - you're being completely unreasonable.

Now don't think I'm condoning ANY of his faults, I don't drink, I don't cheat and I lie as infrequently as possible... it's certainly not a lifestyle. I think all of that is reprehensible.

But I think marrying a man who has never managed to hide his faults from you and AFTER you get married expect/demand/believe he's going to be different is ludicrous. Worse, you're going to destroy the relationship you DO have with him over it.

I'm not going to tell you to divorce him. On that issue, I would never have married someone with these characteristics in the first place. But YOU DID. You looked at it all, and decided you loved him MORE than all of that.

Now I believe the HONEST thing to do is acknowledge your choice and do everything required of you to live with it.

Of course, of course, you CAN break up, some here will probably tell you you SHOULD. But let's be clear about one thing: If you divorce him over these things then it is because YOU have failed to live up to your choice.

You knew all this about him (including systemic lying, so promises to "be better" were lies, and you knew that), you knew all this ahead of time and said "be my husband anyway." So walking away now is YOU changing your mind, not him letting you down. He always let you down, so he's the same old guy you chose in the first place.

You just need to decide how you're going to make choices and if you're going to live up to them or not. And when the answer is "not", be honest about what is changed.

In this story, you're the one who's changing. You're the one deciding you want a mature, faithful relationship. You're deciding that AFTER marrying an immature, unfaithful man. So, this is all on you.

From now on, be honest, own your choices and your mistakes, and as I said at the very beginning of this novella, if there are no excuses for the way he behaves, stop making them. Especially to yourself.

SUMMARY:
Stay and live up to your promise to live with him and his failings. You said you would.
Leave and admit it is YOU who is changed, and don't put it on him any more than is reasonable. You told him it was OK by marrying him and if it's not OK anymore, own up to that.

Like JB said you are the one who has changed... but that's okay!
What's NOT okay/reasonable is to expect him to do the same...

You should accept that you are a new and improved woman and he's the same old guy, no hard feelings. Just move on!
As soon as you experience this epiphany the better :)

It's time to demand better (of yourself and for yourself),
Be better and Do better!

*Best Wishes*

Okay, when your together he treats you good, but what happens the next time he is apart from you? Is it okay to cheat because he's away from you? Part of loving someone and respecting your marriage is have self-control and not giving into tempation and you should not excuse that fact.

Again, if he love and care about you he would'nt cheat no matter where he's at, with or away from you. Your setting your own self up for heart break down the road.

Also, I know a lot of people that had rough childhoods, but for some they turned out okay and doing pretty well for themselves. If his past is making him into the person he's today then he can seek help for it.

Wow. I have never looked at it in that perspective. I totally 100% agree with what you have just said. I DID make the choice. I do hope that he will grow up and be faithful, honest and mature. But, now, it is killing me inside that this is the man I married. I knew I couldn't change him, I would never want to change ONE thing about him except the fact that he lies all the time. He tells me things to make me feel better and then does the complete opposite. We have been through so much, his lies, cheating, my being away from him due to college, his deployments.. we have struggled so much to make it work. To divorce would be such a blow to both of us. I just can't handle it anymore. And, I think the fact that now, I am moving clear across the country.. its scaring me tremendously.
I understand completely everything you have said to me, and I appreciate the brutal honesty. Bc it is the truth. But, what now? Take the chance? Leave everything I have ever known and move to WA? And do marriage counseling??

He might love you, in his own way, but is this the kind of love you want?This is not what you need and this isn't love. He doesn't respect you. Once you lose respect you cannot get it back.

You might love him, but you cannot go on living with him. He is not good for you nor are you good for yourself by continuing to stay with him.

Again, if he will cheat on you and lie to you - he is are letting you know he DON'T love you!! Love has nothing to do with making someone else that unhappy.

He cheated on you before and you stayed with him. That action told him it was OK to cheat, so he did it again... and again. If you continue to accept it, he will continue to do it. Clearly you are not going anywhere and not serious about being respected. So the question he why do you accept it? What do you think he would do if you cheated? Stay! No, he probulary would fly out the door. Do your have any kids, I assume not, be glad for that.

Nobody can't tell what to do, but everyone made it clear what should'nt do. The choice is yours. You should be first in his life, like your making him first. You have to want better for yourself and futur and use your head, because he showed you what type of man he is.

You are still making excuses and lying to yourself...

"I knew I couldnt change him" True!
"I would never want to change ONE thing about him" LiE!
why?. "except the fact that he lies all the time" which means you would like to change at least ONE thing about him, right?

:: so in all honesty you need to take a step back (because you aren't strong enough to accept the truth at face value just yet and divorce him) take a separation and surround yourself with people who actually love and value you.

"we have struggled so much to make it work. To divorce would be such a blow to both of us. I just can't handle it anymore" another LiE!

YOU have struggled so much he's just been being himself! And to divorce would be a blow to YOU... you don't know that you deserve better and are willing to wait around with unfounded hope that he'll magically wake up and come to his senses

"do marriage counseling???"
Go to counseling to better yourself but not with the intent of him changing because you will be disappointed, he will continue to tell you what you want to hear and turn around and do the opposite... it's inevitable... He showed you what he was all about from the beginning...

Um, let's see.

1. Chronic, pathological, systemic lying TO YOU
2. Cheating... 3 times and counting
3. Drinking w/the boys while you're away

OK, that last one isn't really a character failing, but I like my lists to have at least 3 items on them.

You said: "I would never want to change ONE thing about him except the fact that he lies all the time"

So, you really ARE OK with the cheating? Man, you are one confusing lady. Or is it you just wish he wouldn't lie about it.. I guess that makes sense. People with real open marriages are usually above board about it and both enjoy the benefits (?) of the lifestyle. In this instance he's the only one enjoying himself.

Anyway. You made a vow. I am the hugest supporter of "do the work, make the marriage strong"... but in this instance I think you two are cut from two completely different cloths and you married him anyway.

Unless you're ready to forgive him forever for the cheating, join him in that lifestyle and be a swinger, then you're only option for a sane life is to leave. I hate saying it, but you need to stop the "I'm scared" talk. Fear is no reason to flush your life down the sewer.

It doesn't matter if it's a "blow" or not, face it, end it, or accept it once and for all. The only thing to fear is your own inability to choose.

Most women stay with a cheater because of the following:
•Love
• Convenience
• Financial reasons
• Not willing to give up lifestyle
• Insufficient proof of infidelity
• Fear of change
• Low self esteem
• Bad timing
• Thinking the cheater will change
• To achieve career goals
• Hoping counseling will help
• Fear of being alone
• Loyalty
• Belief that it won’t happen again
•Afraid of starting over


These are not the only reasons women remain in relationships with cheaters. There are other reasons, too -- reasons that make sense only to the woman involved. Until she wants better and value her self-worth, only then will she leave and be running to get a divorce. It will take him to cheat and/or lie again. I believe she might be in denial or conflicted with her feelings. Marriage should have never happen, she can change him, but she sure can change her future. Again, the decision is hers. Whether you leave or stay, prepare yourself, but your in the driver seat and must decide what road to take.

Question: You stated he currently lies to you, even about his where-a-abouts, do you feel he' cheating on you now? In the past you knew he cheated, but did he tell you or you find out? Have you know of any affairs he have had since marriage, yes now its affairs since your took your vows?

I hate to say it but they are right how could you expect a man like that to change just because you married him? He knows that no other woman would put up with the things that he is doing to you and thinks as long as he tells you what you want to hear that he can do what ever he wants.

You will be OK with out him and be a much better and happier person for it. You should also be thankful that you are aware of the situation and can deal with it now then to stay with him and have children later then you would be bringing in children who don't deserve a life like that. Get out now and enjoy your life don't waste it on him has he ever stopped to think about how you would feel when he was gone all those nights??

No, I don't know if he is cheating now or not. I have never caught him cheating. I get feelings that he is... and then after some investigating, I find out the truth... he ends up telling me after I have pretty much pinned it on him. He only had sex once with another woman (his ex) while we were dating. But, I blamed it on myself because I wasn't with him when I was supposed to be. We were supposed to take a 2 week vacation around the christmas holiday one year, and I backed out at the last minute, costing him the money for all of our flights. So, when he got to his final destination (his home state of WA) he cheated on me with his ex. He said He was hurt, that he had to go to all these places alone, without me. (vegas, Montana, and WA). So, yes, I forgave him. After we were married, I found out he messed around with 2 other females, but did not have sex. I spoke directly to these women who told me in detail what had happened... he was drunk, kissed them, etc. and they had no clue he was married... so they were all about telling me. They apologized over and over again.. But, it wasn't their faults, it was his... and I handled it like that.

He is out in the field right now, working, and will not be back until Sunday. I have to make the choice to go there (WA) or not. He has no idea Im thinking of backing out. He has told me/txt me every day saying he can't wait for me to finally get there so we can officially start our lives together. It makes me sad that I am considering not going there, not being there for him.. like I have done before... which I feel has driven him to other women.

I know I make excuses. But, I married him. And I feel like we both deserve to give it a fair shot together. I don't think he is cheating now. But, I know he has lied a few times recently about his whereabouts. And, he may not even be doing anything wrong.. he just THINKS Im going to get upset, and Im really not going to. I get upset when He lies. That's it! And, I don't think he can tell me the truth, no matter what. If he were to just be honest and TELL ME what he's doing/ where he's going, I wouldn't get upset. But when he LIES about it, I start thinking other things, and it blows up into something it shouldn't...

Thanks for everyone's responses on this, they have been great

Why would you blame yourself for something he did? It was his choice to sleep with the ex, not because you couldn't go on vacation with him. Why make it all right for him to cheat because of that?

Its def not OK. But, there was a time when all he wanted was ME, and I was too afraid to commit. I didn't want the military life, didn't want to move away from my family. And, when I was supposed to be there for him, I wasn't. No, its not an excuse, I just somewhat understood. So, I have been there for him. Since we got married we have had some time apart, I came back home to visit family. When we are together, he doesn't lie, or cheat, or gives me any reason to be unhappy. It's the time we are APART that sh*t always happens. He feels he has to lie to me, when he doesn't. I guess what I'm really getting at is, I don't want to have to go through this every time we are apart. When Im here and he is there, he lies, and we fight constantly. But, when we are together, we have fun, and enjoy every minute together. Its really weird. Its like he is 2 totally different people. Hes the man I love and married when we are together.. but when we are apart... I feel like I could ring his neck. But the moment we get back together... everything is normal again