Ask Me Help Desk - I'm seeing a married man.am I horrible?

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

This would be fine as long as his wife is in agreement....which seems doubtful since he apparently has not mentioned this and he has mentioned cheating on his wife in the past. If everyone involved was "ok" with this, it wouldn't be cheating and there would be no issue....Meow wouldn't have even questioned whether or not she was wrong.

Just because he would likely go elsewhere doesn't make it ok to be a party to it. That is like telling someone is it ok to sell drugs to an addict, since you are having your need of making money fulfilled, and because they would just buy elsewhere if you didn't do it.

It is just another way to justify someone's actions in their own mind....it is ultimately thinking of themselves and not the others involved. The mentality becomes that if you can't actually see someone getting hurt, then it makes it ok to continue.....personal responsibility and simple respect for another person go out the window.

Well, first and foremost, this is NOT like selling drugs. Totally different issue here and not worth defending - there's no connection. My response would be completey different (and non-existent for that matter) if we were talking about selling drugs.

And "This would be fine as long as his wife is in agreement"... depending on how you look at that statement, maybe it isn't OK, maybe it is. Doula, you sound very wise, very idealistic, but in time, the 'ideal' doesn't always hold true. There are needs we all have that can't necessarily be filled by our spouse. Which doesn't mean we don't love our significant other. And doesn't mean we don't picture ourselves growing old together. We have commitments. We'll fulfill them, not at the expense of depriving ourselves, nor despite them, but being resourceful, we'll go after what we want or feel we need - and live full happy lives - in lieu of the ideals of most individuals - what we've been taught to idealize. This is where Meow is questioning life, because it's not standard. She's bright and inquisitive and felt the need for other's opinions... that's totally normal. This is my opinion. Having an 'open' relationship opens a whole new set of moral issues... which is what seems to be recommended here.

Free yourself from the bondage of loving the wrong person. You can't be completely happy knowing that you are also hurting somebody else.

I agree, acting in this way doesn't mean you don't love your spouse... and everyone has desires. However, people do need to decide when they think first of themselves, and when they put their spouse and marriage first.

How much did they really mean those marriage vows or what level of commitment do they really have? Is it only up to a point? If your spouse/partner gets sick, injured, boring, lazy, addicted, etc. does that mean all deals are off? Lying and cheating are allowed at that point. For some people, I suppose that would be true... would be nice if all spouses would get to know that up front.

When you decide to lie and cheat to get what you want, you are putting your desires ahead of your marriage.

This man has an admitted addiction, and as with any addiction, participating in its continuation, and justifying doing so because "it would happen anyway", does not truly help the person. This man could pass on disease and not even know it, or since he has an addiction, he likely would continue to lie even if did know about it, he could have fathered children... or pregnancies that ended in abortion, without even knowing it. He could still be picking up prostitutes on the side.

When you deal with someone who would lie in this manner to someone they profess to love in order to continue doing what they want to do, and especially when they have an addiction, they will lie to anyone for that same reason. I'm sure Meow is not foolish enough to believe he is always totally honest with her as he no doubt proclaims to be. An addict will do what is necessary to get what they want.

As with a drug addict, it only ignores the real issue and does nothing to help the person with the addiction.

An open relationship does bring in new moral issues, however why should it be recommended to fullfil his addiction... again to serve only his desires? There are two people in a marriage, in this case three, or perhaps more. Do they get to decide how it should be dealt with because they are in the majority? Sorry honey, my mistress and I decided that we should have an open marriage because that is how "we" want it to be? Perhaps they should tell her and give her that option... then at least she would know what's been going on and can decide to stay or divorce him. If she decides to stay married and turn a blind eye, then fine... everyone is on the same page, no lying or cheating... continue as it has been. It might even lose some of its appeal... and I wonder what he would think if his wife decided to check out her options in an open relationship.

Why should it not be recommended that he seek help, be honest with his wife, work on rebuilding his relationship with his wife, at least make an effort to honor the vows he took when he married?. and if it turns out he can't, or chooses not to, then give his wife the option of ending the marriage.

He likely won't do that because he wants to have it both ways. He doesn't want to leave his wife, but he doesn't want to stop thinking of his needs first. Meow could really help him by encouraging him to seek counseling as well.

We won't agree on how the topic should be handled, but it is interesting to see how others perceive the situation.

No, dear. You are not horrible, and don't ever think that about yourself - no matter what anyone else may say. You are a human being and as such you are subject to err. All I will say is I have been on the receiving and the giving end of an affair, and both sides are equally difficult. If you are feeling guilty, that is your conscience, your intuition telling you maybe it's time to walk away. Never force yourself to stay in any situation that makes you question your self-worth. Life is so full of stress created by circumstances beyond our control. Do what you can to be happy in situations that you can control. (((((Big hugs)))))

OK so this is an update for all of those that have been follow my threads.

I went and saw the counsellor/therapist on Tuesday. It was awesome.
It opened up a whole different issues I need to deal with lol but the amount of self acceptance I am feeling is fantastic.

So here are a few things that he spoke to me about, and basically how it all ties into my threads.

After many questions and probing into my brain, the therapist said that My line of work has not played with my head. He said I am a very rational, level headed 30yr old. He could see why I was questioning whether it is right or wrong to be a sex worker and came up with the conclusion that yes a lot of people think it is a bad thing, that is just their opinions. It is not effecting me in a negative way at all.

After our talk he could see my need and love of helping people and he suggested even starting up a group for couples/singles on how to keep sexual relationships healthy.

When I discussed my partner, who is a married man, he basically told me that, that type of relationship is all based on (again) your own belief systems. It might not be something people agree with but at the end of the day, its all about what works for each individual. And as for right now, its working for me quite well.

I told my partner about seeing a therapist. He straight away was very concerned that he was causing me grief, but I assured him, it isn't him, it was just my own head accepting the situation.

The therapist did not want to discuss my partner for long at all. He said that from what he can see, it's a casual relationship that is discreet and for now, bringing joy to my life.

Now, this is where it got interesting. I brought up my sex addiction. After more probing, he came to the conclusion, that I am not adicted to sex, but that I may have an issue with power. Needing power over men. And sex apparently is my tool.

After many questions about my dad, the therapist is very keen to do regressive therapy and hypnosis. I am not too sure on this idea. He says that the most pivotal things in our life, happen before we are 5yrs old. He thinks that something has happened to me when I was young. Could be something small. Could be something bad.

I personally don't want to go probing into that I have blocked out for whatever reason. If I found out my dad molested me, I will seriously kill him. Without even a thought.

Also he said I have unnatural tendacies to protect my loved ones. I don't understand that. I will die for my family. We have been through tough times and Im sure most people are the same. But apparently my need to keep my family safe is abnormal.

So yeah that's pretty much it. It was only one session though, Im going back next week.

It made me realise that, OK, I may be a sex addicted, prostitute that is dating a married man, and that may be something the majority of people in society would not agree with... but that's OK! Its fine! As long as I can look in the mirror every morning and like who I am, be proud of all that Ive accomplished, love my family, make them proud... as long as my family love me then I really don't give a toss what the rest of the world thinks :)

Ok so that's the basics I guess.. Ive been walking around with my head a little higher I must admit lol.

I want to thank all of those who left comments, whether they were helpful or not. I love that this site is an open space for us all to voice all of our different and unique opinions.

When reading peoples questions, don't judge their actions... at the end of the day, they are here for an answer.. lets help people, not put them down x x x x x

I'm very happy to hear that you went for your counselling session. It's good to have someone listen and confirm your thoughts and feelings, and talk them out with you.

I would caution you on the regression thereapy. There are very few who are qualified, and/or skilled enough to not only do this type of therapy, but interpret the results. I do not see the need personally, from what you have said here, to find a 'cause' that might explain your occupation or lifestyle. Just my opinion.

I get it that he thinks that your occupation is about control over men, with sex, but I'm not sure I agree with that. Men come to you, you provide services that they want. I would say that is a mutually agreeable business decision. He seems to be going down a road with its own prejudices here, that what you do is caused by something, or a need in a psychological way. Why isn't it just what it is. I don't see control issues, or causes for having control issues, unless of course, there was something in your past that might justify this train of thought.

Interesting about the couples therapy. When you consider the number of men who seek out women for sex in the industry, and you've said that a large majority of them just want to talk, you probably have good insight as to what they need, want, or are missing in their own relationships. Your experiences would also make a good book.

Surely there must be more answers out there as to why half of marriages fail, if not more.

Remember that you are in charge. Don't be afraid to ask the therapist questions about his questions! Like anything else, you have the final say into which territory you are comfortable going.

I'm glad that it made you feel better, and appreciate that you came back and let us all know how it went for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

OK so this is an update for all of those that have been follow my threads.

I went and saw the counsellor/therapist on Tuesday. It was awesome.
It opened up a whole different issues I need to deal with lol but the amount of self acceptance I am feeling is fantastic.

So here are a few things that he spoke to me about, and basically how it all ties into my threads.

After many questions and probing into my brain, the therapist said that My line of work has not played with my head. He said I am a very rational, level headed 30yr old. He could see why I was questioning whether or not it is right or wrong to be a sex worker and came up with the conclusion that yes alot of people think it is a bad thing, that is just their opinions. It is not effecting me in a negative way at all.

After our talk he could see my need and love of helping people and he suggested even starting up a group for couples/singles on how to keep sexual relationships healthy.

When I discussed my partner, who is a married man, he basically told me that, that type of relationship is all based on (again) your own belief systems. It might not be something people agree with but at the end of the day, its all about what works for each individual. And as for right now, its working for me quite well.

I told my partner about seeing a therapist. He straight away was very concerned that he was causing me grief, but i assured him, it isnt him, it was just my own head accepting the situation.

The therapist did not want to discuss my partner for long at all. He said that from what he can see, its a casual relationship that is discreet and for now, bringing joy to my life.

Now, this is where it got interesting. I brought up my sex addiction. After more probing, he came to the conclusion, that I am not adicted to sex, but that I may have an issue with power. Needing power over men. And sex apparently is my tool.

After many questions about my dad, the therapist is very keen to do regressive therapy and hypnosis. I am not too sure on this idea. He says that the most pivotal things in our life, happen before we are 5yrs old. He thinks that something has happened to me when I was young. Could be somthing small. Could be something bad.

I personally dont want to go probing into that I have blocked out for whatever reason. If I found out my dad molested me, I will seriously kill him. Without even a thought.

Also he said I have unnatural tendacies to protect my loved ones. I dont understand that. I will die for my family. We have been thru tough times and Im sure most people are the same. But apparently my need to keep my family safe is abnormal.

So yeah thats pretty much it. It was only one session tho, Im going back next week.

It made me realise that, ok, I may be a sex addicted, prostitute that is dating a married man, and that may be something the majority of people in society would not agree with...but thats ok! Its fine! As long as I can look in the mirror every morning and like who I am, be proud of all that Ive accomplished, love my family, make them proud...as long as my family love me then I really dont give a toss what the rest of the world thinks :)

Ok so thats the basics I guess.. Ive been walkin around with my head a little higher I must admit lol.

I want to thank all of those who left comments, whether they were helpful or not. I love that this site is an open space for us all to voice all of our different and unique opinions.

When reading peoples questions, dont judge their actions... at the end of the day, they are here for an answer..lets help people, not put them down x x x x x

The main thing that I get out of this and apparently your therapist hasn't is it is all about YOU. You say it isn't negatively effecting YOU, it is about YOUR belief system,
At the end of the day it is about what works for each individual, etc...

Do you think this is working for the married mans wife if she knew about it?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

After our talk he could see my need and love of helping people and he suggested even starting up a group for couples/singles on how to keep sexual relationships healthy.

I think this is a really good avenue for you to explore. You have an ability to listen constructively, and it would be good to expand and develop it in other areas of your life beyond your current occupation.

Quote:

Now, this is where it got interesting. I brought up my sex addiction. After more probing, he came to the conclusion, that I am not adicted to sex, but that I may have an issue with power. Needing power over men. And sex apparently is my tool.

So how about it, does this seem at all plausible to you? Nothing you've said so far would lead me to think so.

Quote:

After many questions about my dad, the therapist is very keen to do regressive therapy and hypnosis. I am not too sure on this idea. He says that the most pivotal things in our life, happen before we are 5yrs old. He thinks that something has happened to me when I was young. Could be something small. Could be something bad.

I personally don't want to go probing into that I have blocked out for whatever reason. If I found out my dad molested me, I will seriously kill him. Without even a thought.

I agree with Jake2008 that you should be very cautious about the regression therapy, particularly since you have reservations about it. Listen to your heart on this. Many lives have been ruined by so-called "recovered memories" that may or may not be real. If your therapist truly believes that there has to be some deep dark secret from your childhood to explain the way you are as an adult, you can be sure that he will find one, even if he has to put it there himself. Not that he would do it with malicious intent, but his belief system would manifest itself in his questioning and suggestions under hypnosis. Even if you were molested as a very young child, it may not have been by your dad, and the consequences of a mistaken identity are so horrific as to be unthinkable. I would say that if you honestly and truly have no reason to suspect your dad of anything improper, you should leave it alone.

Quote:

Also he said I have unnatural tendacies to protect my loved ones. I don't understand that. I will die for my family. We have been through tough times and Im sure most people are the same. But apparently my need to keep my family safe is abnormal.

I assume we're talking here about your keeping them in the dark about what it is you really do for a living. Given the strong negative judgments most people make about prostitution, it seems pretty understandable to me. I'd also suggest that it may be as much about protecting yourself (from their disapproval) as it is about protecting them (from self-blame and disappointment). But either way, hiding the truth about such an important aspect of yourself from those you love is bound to take a toll on you in the long run, so I think you need to count that cost.

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It was only one session though, Im going back next week.

Good, keep it up for awhile, but don't allow yourself to be stampeded into anything you're not truly OK with. It's entirely acceptable to get second and third opinions from other counselors. Sometimes they may feel rejected if you decide to talk to someone else, but you absolutely should NOT let anyone guilt-trip you into continuing with a therapist (or a therapeutic approach) you don't feel comfortable with.

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As long as I can look in the mirror every morning and like who I am, be proud of all that Ive accomplished, love my family, make them proud... as long as my family love me then I really don't give a toss what the rest of the world thinks :)

I see a real conflict here between the obvious love you have for your family and wanting to "make them proud", and keeping the BIG SECRET from them. You clearly feel that they would NOT be proud if they knew the truth.

As I see it, your choice is between telling them the truth and working through the consequences with them, or changing your occupation so you don't have a big secret to keep. In addition to the rewards of the work itself, this would be another big factor in favor of going back to school to become qualified as a counselor/therapist.

Thank you so much for coming back to give us an update. We do put a lot of ourselves into these pages, and it's a huge payoff to know that we have been of some help. Too often, we get no feedback or continuing dialogue at all, and that's kind of an emotional ripoff, so thanks again. You have a lot of courage and a good heart.

How on earth are you taking his wife's feelings into consideration, you are horrible, sleeping with a married man is the worst thing you could ever do, as a wife, it's heart breaking, makes you feel sick to think about it and it hurts

What a load of opinionated garbage answers from a lot of bigoted small minded fools.

Take it from me Meow, you are not a horrible person, you are simple normal and honest. In fact I would venture that you seem better adjusted and “normal” than many of the people who replied.

Please separate love from sex and both from marriage. Sex is just a pleasurable physical activity – just like dancing the salsa. Love is an intense feeling about another person. Marriage is a mutual support relationship involving protection, support and friendship.

The three do not necessarily overlap.

Good on you Meow, don't change a thing, and do not doubt yourself. You are worth a thousand of these silly small minded fools.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pushtumpa

Please separate love from sex and both from marriage. Sex is just a pleasurable physical activity – just like dancing the salsa. Love is an intense feeling about another person. Marriage is a mutual support relationship involving protection, support and friendship.

The three do not necessarily overlap.

I Agree with your point that the three can be completely separate things, however in this case they are not. If you agree to have sex with other people, or even to have emotional relationships with other people then it is okay. However this did not happen, The agreement in the mans marriage was for them both to remain loyal, both physically and emotionally. (at least as far as I know, be a kind of pointless thread if it wasn't) And this man having sex behind his wife's back, even if its just physical pleasure, is downright betrayal.