It's not her decision, it's yours. She clearly is keeping this man in her life despite the fact that it's a gross violation of her marriage vows, and is terribly hurtful and disrespectful to you. Your decision is whether you want to have a wife who has another relationship that you abhor, or if that is unacceptable to you.

If it's unacceptable, go see an attorney to find out how to get primary custody of your daughter if you feel that is best. If the man is under 20 something - as in, not a legal adult - well, it would certainly help your custody case.

You may be wanting to avoid her being embarrassed, or dividing your child's home, or going through the decisions of who gets the crock-pot and who gets the fishing poles, but you know, you just have to do those things because she's made her decision, and you don't sound like a guy who can be healthy living with that situation.

A lot of people hate divorce, dread divorce, consider the time they were getting divorced to be the worst thing they've ever dealt with. But not one of the divorced people I know regrets getting divorced today. They view it as Christening of a new life, by fire. A new chance to build something better.

Even if your wife wants to stay married, I would recommend a separation so that you can havce some time and space to think about this without her constant presence. Even if it were to stop, would you ever trust her again? It's important to know that.

Take care... it's really terribly painful but it does get better.

Hi angrychair,
I fell for you. However, it is a very good sign for you actually. You are about to be bailed out from the unfaithful wife. Why would you want one? You will move on, meet a better lady and start over a better life.

Next time, pay close attention to your partner it can happen again to you. I can tell you that your wife will not have a good life with the young man as she thinks. Being a sugar mom to an immature man will not be an easy job. It is her loss not yours.

My problem has been that I had an undying love and no matter what she did I could look past it because I thought she would realize what she was giving up. Then some very smart people told me that I was being played and you know what they were right. She was playing both ends against the middle. I am not so weak anymore I have gained some self-respect and I now know that I am stronger than I thought , and every day gets a bit easier and in some way I owe her a debt of gratitude for making me a stronger man. It still hurts knowing what she is doing but in the long run she will understand that a love like mine is hard to come by. She will miss her old boring life and the routine. I will survive my friends that you can bet on.

Good for you, come back to this post often... other then owing her anything for your circumstance your post is extremely accurate for a step forward.

You can't look past being a doormat especially for someone who isn't making the effort. Marriage isn't a one-sided commitment. It requires both parties to work and grow and share in that commitment. You are trying to overcompensate for her lack of involvement in your marriage, but that isn't going to save the marriage.

Keep working on you, but start the legal process to protect both you and your children. We are always stronger then we think we are, challenges are what can show us our strength.

Every day will continue to get easier. With every contact with your wife, taking you back from your forward progress... get yourself out of the contact. Do it for you, do it for your child(ren).

You have great qualities to offer someone. Work on yourself and then offer them to someone who deserves a man like you because she does not.

Make that A guy like you, not I guy like you. The fingers were flying.

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

My problem has been that I had an undying love and no matter what she did I could look past it because I thought she would realize what she was giving up. Then some very smart people told me that I was being played and you know what they were right. She was playing both ends against the middle. I am not so weak anymore I have gained some self-respect and I now know that I am stronger than I thought , and every day gets a bit easier and in some way I owe her a debt of gratitude for making me a stronger man. It still hurts knowing what she is doing but in the long run she will understand that a love like mine is hard to come by. She will miss her old boring life and the routine. I will survive my friends that you can bet on.

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You do often become stronger and wiser for having had gone through some difficult times. Getting through that journey is half the battle... expect some highs and lows along the way, but you will see that it does get easier with time.

I don't want to be a party pooper here, but while I applaud you for feeling stronger (although I don't think you owe HER a debt of gratitude for that as you said), you are still pinning your hopes (I think) on her coming to her senses, and realizing what she has lost, and somehow all of this is going to work out between the two of you.

I do not sense that you have emotionally broken ties with her, and I haven't heard you say that you have taken the necessary steps to secure your home, finances, custody issues either. What happened to the counselling, and when is the last time you talked to your lawyer. Does she still have access to the bank accounts? Does she still visit once a week and stay over?

Do the children see her bags still packed in the same place? Have you talked to them about what is going on, and what is going to happen i.e. divorce? Have you alleviated any of their fears?

I am happy that you are getting the emotional support from your friends, and from us here, to realize that you are doing the right thing in letting her go, and getting on with the business of making it legally happen.

What I haven't heard, is that you are actually doing anything to put an end to the relationship.

Am I wrong? What do you need to do that you haven't already done for not only your sake, but for your children's sake as well.

If you are going to wait for her to finally come home, then just say it. If your immediate goals are not to secure your future without her, and your children's future, then I hope you get them into counselling too. This has to be a terrible emotional upset for them not knowing which end is up.

Love makes us do crazy things that don't make much sense. I'm having a hard time understanding what direction you are going here.

Maybe you just need more time. But for the sake of your kids, I hope you get moving soon.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

My problem has been that I had an undying love and no matter what she did I could look past it because I thought she would realize what she was giving up. Then some very smart people told me that I was being played and you know what they were right. She was playing both ends against the middle. I am not so weak anymore I have gained some self-respect and I now know that I am stronger than I thought , and every day gets a bit easier and in some way I owe her a debt of gratitude for making me a stronger man. It still hurts knowing what she is doing but in the long run she will understand that a love like mine is hard to come by. She will miss her old boring life and the routine. I will survive my friends that you can bet on.

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Good for you! That is the kind of survivor attitude that will get you through this mess she has created!
You have officially gone from victim to survivor and you should treat yourself to something wonderful! You have earned it.
We have all become very invested in you and are so pleased that a positive outcome is finally coming to pass.
Do not be a stranger!
I also think you would make a great expert here ,given the fact that you have been through so much and have come out of it with your decency and self respect in tact. That is quite an achievement.

We have agreed that she can see the kids as often as she wants but they reside with me and agreed on property division. My lawyer has advised against a do it yourself approach but due to financial constrictions I may have to go in that direction. My bank account has been closed to her from day one of this ordeal so that isn't a issue anymore. As far as emotional ties yes its true I still have tremendous feelings for her but after 14 years how could I not. I see now that she won't come back and the truth be known I couldn't trust her if she wanted to. Complete separation isn't possible at this point but like I said each day get a bit easier.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

We have agreed that she can see the kids as often as she wants but they reside with me and agreed on property division. My lawyer has advised against a do it yourself approach but due to financial constrictions I may have to go in that direction. My bank account has been closed to her from day one of this ordeal so that isnt a issue anymore. As far as emotional ties yes its true I still have tremendous feelings for her but after 14 years how could I not. I see now that she wont come back and the truth be known I couldnt trust her if she wanted to. Complete separation isnt possible at this point but like I said each day get a bit easier.

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Good that you have taken measures to protect yourself.
I think we all agree that putting 14 yrs. Behind you and moving forward is not an easy task.
There will be days when it is still going to hurt but I know, from experience,they will become less and less as time passes.
If you ever studied the stages of grief after a death,there are so many similarities to the stages of grief for a divorce.
Keep working on you and healing and I have every confidence a year from not this will be nothing more than a painful memory.

Ok Angrychair, I am breathing a sigh of relief here, and I'm really, really impressed that you have taken concrete steps.

As you said, there is more work to be done, just don't lose sight of your goals.

Ok, you deserve a beer, and a fire in the firepit; put your feet up, you've deserved some R&R this weekend.

I'm proud of you.

Not promising I won't nag you next week, but for now, that's awesome news! :D

Since this whole ordeal began I have learned to ride a motorcyle and bought myself a nice bike as you can see somewhat in my just added picture. I think I may just go on a poker run this weekend

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

Since this whole ordeal began I have learned to ride a motorcyle and bought myself a nice bike as you can see somewhat in my just added picture. I think I may just go on a poker run this weekend

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That is you! I was wondering.
Oh boy,you look mighty fine on that bike.
Watch out for the women now ,many of us have a secret passion for bikers ;)

Yep its me long hair, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and all, Im searching for my inner bad boy

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

Yep its me long hair, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and all, Im searching for my inner bad boy

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You go rock it dude :)

So what kind of bike did you get... :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

Yep its me long hair, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and all, Im searching for my inner bad boy

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Could we get a close up?;)

I bought a 1996 Yamaha Virago and yes I will post a close up. Of me or the bike? Lol

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

I bought a 1996 Yamaha Virago and yes I will post a close up. Of me or the bike? lol

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See, you already have girls flirting with you. :rolleyes:

Im blushing lol