Clickaus,
If my boyfriend had coffee with a woman he met at the mall, I'd be feeling insecure too. But most people here don't seem to agree. Maybe some of us are more given to jealousy.

And, also, I can't imagine myself talking to a security guard in a way that would suggest that he should even ask to have coffee with me. And if he did I would say thanks but no, absolutely if I was in a relationship. Saying yes starts to look like you are interested in being picked up. And what are you going to say to the guy next time you need to pick up some socks at Penny's? Are we best buds now? Just my take.

I somehow missed this particular comment of hers earlier. Like you, I would be unhappy, though I know a lot of people think it's cool.

All that said, I think you married someone who is outgoing and feels this is fine. So you need to find a way to accommodate it and learn to trust. Tell her it makes you sad and anxious, but don't lay down rules or try to control her. She's a free person. It's tough!

How was the dinner?

Thanks Asking, you get my concern. You are spot on in my concern about how did she even get into the conversation in the first place that got to asking to have coffee, I am so confused. I don't want to interrogate her as Kit Kat suggested I was doing but I need to be clear in my heart and my mind as to what she was thinking when she got into that kind of conversation with him... its OK to say hi in passing with people you see in passing on a day to day basis, but what conversation do you have once you've asked Hi how are you and lovely weather we are having. I have tendencies to be jealous, sure, it is a human condition, but only when events trigger it. How do I ascertain these things without appearing controlling, and how do I let her know that doing has, not made me mistrust her but makes me uncomfortable.

The gps, are you still doing that?

Not as often

You need to develop coping skills to help you deal with those feelings and given your age, and experiences you would have already gotten them under control.This is not about her, or what she does, its about the way you react to it.

Basically you are so scared and insecure, you want to basically change what she does, how she does it, to make you stop shaking in your boots, and thinking the worst.

I talk a lot of people being carried away by their feelings and it leads them on a roller coaster of intense feelings and decisions and choices based on those feelings.

Maybe counseling has not progressed enough to the point of you being guided to positive ways to handle your feelings yet, and I am at a loss really as to what advice to give you as frankly I am unable to understand your lack of honest communications with your own wife that can put all of this to bed.

But first you would have to face some facts about yourself, and the actions you have taken thus far, because of your insecure tendencies, and high level of discomfort.

Dude your suffering and missing a lot of happiness and release that can come with a full disclosure, a confession of wacky behavior and be willing to show your complete heart in an honest way.

She probably has no clue the extent of your insecurities and fears, and cannot work with you until she knows the truth. At least she deserves a chance to make a decision based on facts.

Maybe she will be shocked, and hurt, or maybe she will understand, or maybe both. You will never know, and be caught in the trap of your own mind forever unless you do.

Confess it all, and come clean to her, after all she is supposed to be your wife and a relationship built on fear, insecurity, and lies is doomed any way.

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I really think you have had jealousy problems with all the women in your life. By that I mean you are an insecure person.

You haven't stopped with the spying. This tells me you are never going to trust a woman and your wife is the latest one.

Get help.. Please.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kitkat22

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I really think you have had jealousy problems with all the women in your life. By that I mean you are an insecure person.

You haven't stopped with the spying. This tells me you are never going to trust a woman and your wife is the latest one.

Get help..Please.

---

He already is working with a counselor and he does seem to be making some progress, albeit slow. I can understand your frustration Kitkat, but you do seem to be a bit on the attack, even though he is asking some legitimate questions. I don't think tearing him apart is going to push him the right direction.

His question of: "How do I ascertain these things without appearing controlling, and how do I let her know that doing has, not made me mistrust her but makes me uncomfortable." shows some flexibility and progress.

He does have trust issues and is still using the GPS. Yes he is trying. I also feel he is not very secure about himself and he does need to work on that. And I don't think tearing him apart is what I'm doing. Just trying to get him to realize his insecurities are going to drive his wife away. Thanks for the opinion.

Hi y'all

Kitkat, you say 'Knock off the questions', if I have concerns I need to find a way to communicate these concerns with my wife in a way that is not confrontational, controlling or appearing to be too jealous [I believe a little jealousy in a relationship is healthy as it shows care, concern and true feelings], it would be unhealthy to bottle them up to fester. I have just been asking for a way I can do this. I am very aware that I am dealing with two cultures here I need to show her that the culture here is so much different to China. People in China are very sociable, but here is quite different if a guy asks a women to have coffee with him there is usually an ulterior motive. Not just to be sociable. I need to have this peace of mind and heart that she understands this and these are the reasons I feel this way. I am just looking for guidance to help communicate this.. I feel that 'Asking' has an understanding of my feelings here whereas most others are essentially saying 'pull yourself together man'

Don't get me wrong, I thank everybody for their input, it does help.

Look, you love your wife and I have a suggestion. If she doesn't go to counseling with you, then ask her to go. She might understand your feelings more if someone else talked with her about your fear of her being too trusting. I do agree it could be dangerous for her.

I'm not suggesting you are a bad person, you need some self confidence and I hope your counselor is helping you do that.

She's with you and if she didn't love you she wouldn't be there.

Thanks KitKat I will ask her

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clickaus

Thanks KitKat I will ask her

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You are very welcome clickaus. Have some confidence in yourself. You seem like a nice guy... Kit:)

You can plot and scheme, any worry about culture, and motives all you want. That's irrelevant. The only thing that makes a relationship work between any one is an honest expression of concerns and actions so you can both get on the same page.

That means talking and listening to each other so nobody has to be a mind reader, and you both can have the facts to make adjustments and decisions about.

I can sense the deep rooted fear you are having with talking to her, but unless you do, you will always be strangers to each others wants, needs, hopes, and dreams, and can never working together to resolve any issues you have, and there are many to address.

No Honest Communications, No Marriage. It's that simple so get over your fear, and dig in. No I am not being harsh, just trying to give you advise and motivation to get to the truth of the matter and build the necessary bonds to have a complete relationship with out the shams of mistrust and deceit that paralyzes you from doing the right thing for yourself.

What I'm afraid of is the fear you have of losing her. If you both can communicate and come to terms and change the things that are making you both miserable.

I really hope you will lose the gps and tell your counselor about it.
As I suggested she needs to know exactly what you fear and what causes you to react with mistrust.

I really hope all this can be ironed out. Good Luck

Ive read first 6 pages of this thread then decided to skip ahead to this one.

OP I noticed way back at the start of this thread you mentioned, your last partner or wife, not sure which, had cheated on you?

You said you found this out through the GPS on a phone?

In view of this I would say that's where your problems lie, you're still insecure because of being cheated on in the past, and you have got to come to terms with that or it is going to ruin this relationship or any relationship for that matter.

This insecurity you have about your wife cheating on you or being led astray is nothing to do with what she's done or hasn't done, it's that you've brought your excess baggage from an old relationship into this one. If you resolve that then I feel you will stand more of a chance this time around, you also mention often you want reassurances, from your new wife.

That's unrealistic she cannot spend her time telling you how wonderful or marvellous you are Im sure she shows you in her own way.

If you really want this marriage to work then you need to seriously get these old relationship insecurities out of your head.

Check this link out and see how you fit the description. If you see signs in it that you are having in your own life then follow the suggestions for coping with the areas you can see in your life.

All and any insecurities you have are mainly manifesting because of the past problems you have had, you need to learn to put those behind you, and take this new wife for who and what she is, don't tar her with the same brush.

Hope this helps somehow.

I feel you run a high risk of sending her right into the arms of another man because you obviously don't trust her and that's the surest way of losing her to whatever it is you're not trusting her in.

You have to seek your own validation you cannot get that from anyone else. She's your wife not a source for you being given validation of your own self worth...
Why not just enjoy your time with her and stop obsessing over will she won't she betray me... in doing this you'll be seeing something untowards in every step she makes, she will sense your mistrust and do things without telling you rather than give you more reasons to mistrust her, and a vicious circle is created.

Hi
PositiveParent, thank you for your input. I had a look at your link, but I don't believe this fits who I am, I don't consider myself with the symptoms of Helplessness. I have a fear of losing who I care for. I have a fear of her becoming interested in someone else [by casually getting to know other people], or a fear of someone else getting interested in her [by guys asking her to have coffee with them] In her Chinese culture she thinks of this as being sociable in the Western world guys think of this as picking up. She she sees this as being friendly within her community, I don't see it that way, therefore I get this fear. As you say, she is knows of my concern if she meets up with someone, someone she may think of as a friend, and will not mention it, but if/when I feel or know she has told me different to that then I start to wonder why she has told me a different story to what I see. There lies the vicious circle

clickaus, here's a very basic question for you: How do you make new friends without talking to strangers? Is she supposed to have only female friends? Is she supposed to only have friends that you introduce her to?

She doesn't tell you about everyone she meets and talks to-you get suspicious. She tells you about them-you say you see it differently than she does and get suspicious. What is she supposed to do?

Not every male is looking to make a conquest of every female he meets. I have a very good male friend who introduced me to my husband.

Do you limit your conversations with strangers only to men? Do you smile only at men? Do you ignore the entire female population including your step-daughter?

OP if your wife is keeping things from you its because she knows that by telling you everything it ends up giving her more grief and then you don't trust her anyway, so she's not telling you things, not to deceive you but to prevent you giving her a hard time.

Ive done this with an ex of mine because in being honest all it got me was more hassle, so I just said nothing.

You may not like this but if you don't stop this you're going to drive her away, you're also making her life unhappy by not trusting her, and these trust issues you have are all mostly in your own mind and the result of your not resolving issues from a past relationship.

You're turning into a control freak, mild one maybe none the less you're still trying to control your wife.

She's going to end up being damaged by something she's totally innocent of, she's a human she's entitled to make friends male or female, you don't own her.

From what Ive heard about oriental ladies they make excellent loving and faithful wives.

You're the creator of your own unhappiness. No one else.
The following might help

Working Through Your Trust Issues
By: L. Lee Scott

At the root of all trust issues is a past betrayal. Whether abused as a child or cheated on by a spouse, the betrayed person will go through life seeing herself as less desirable than others, or believing herself to be unlovable. She will keep others at a distance, avoiding intimate relationships. Only by working through these trust issues - or, rather, lack of trust issues - can the person learn to maintain a healthy boundary while still letting others in.

The deepest issues stem from child abuse, whether sexual, physical or emotional. Sexual and physical abuse are easier to be aware of as an adult, but emotional abuse can cause even more psychological problems and trust issues in an adult abuse survivor. As children who were abused grow up, they may perceive that others will not love them for making mistakes or behaving in certain ways. They also might have a hard time saying "no" to people they care about and people in positions of authority.

All humans are born with a fundamental need to be loved and to love. When children don't receive love, as adults they'll feel a lack of self-worth, that their feelings don't matter, that they lack personal power and that they are unlovable. With these thoughts can come an inability to trust others or their own gut feelings, or a pattern of continuing to trust the wrong people.

When an adult is in an intimate relationship and is betrayed by a partner - whether cheated on, abandoned or abused - she may internalize some of the same ideas as the abused child. She feels powerless, unlovable, and that she is responsible for the betrayal or deserved it.

If, at this point, the adult doesn't begin to realize that these internal beliefs are flawed and can hurt her just as much as the hurtful betrayal of another, she'll go on to develop relationships with other abusers or to find inappropriate coping mechanisms such as addictions, perfectionism, misplaced anger or symptoms of physical illness such as high blood pressure or migraines. In any case, she may find herself unable to trust another person enough to form a truly intimate relationship.

To work through your trust issues, you need to recognize the source of the betrayal and the cause of your anger. If you've been wearing a mask of "I don't care" or "I don't need anyone," it's time to drop the mask and examine yourself. If the betrayal occurred in childhood or hurt you very deeply, it can be helpful to have a therapist or counselor advise you as you work through these issues.

After you dig up and acknowledge your real feelings, it's time to understand and express them. Even in an otherwise healthy relationship, it's easy to express your feelings the wrong way. For example, you may say, "You never come home when you say you will," after your partner stays out too late. Remember that you're responsible for your own feelings and actions, and you can't control the other person's behavior.

Say instead something like, "I felt hurt and worried last night, and I don't like feeling like that." Focusing on your feelings instead of the other person's behavior may help him to actually listen and hear you. If he does listen to you, you've both made a step towards resolving your trust issues. If, on the other hand, he refuses to listen to how you feel, you may want to reassess the relationship. Just the act of stating or owning your feelings is a step toward recovering trust.

Next, you need to examine your history of relationships. If you see a pattern of behavior, such as repeatedly choosing people who are verbally or physically abusive, you should consider changing both the behavior and your boundaries, two important factors in trust issues. Boundaries can be externally physical (like "your space" or "comfort zone"), sexual (you determine when, where, how and with whom you choose to be sexual), or internal and emotional (only you are in control of how you feel and what you think, and the same is true for others).

You need to "say good-bye" to past abuses or betrayals after seeing how they've been affecting your life. It's likely that you haven't truly done that, even if you think you have. Then you can grieve for those memories you've put behind you. You're giving up an old familiar way of thinking and acting, and that can be both difficult and painful. But it is a vital step in resolving your own trust issues.

Finally, use what you've learned about your feelings and your boundaries to establish relationships in which you assume responsibility for your feelings and actions, and the other person does the same. By healing past betrayals, forgiving the betrayer and yourself - especially your child-self - and taking responsibility for your adult-self, you can reestablish your ability to trust and overcome your trust issues.

http://www.life123.com/relationships...t-issues.shtml

Take the advice you have been given. I wish you you luck and I hope you and your wife will have a long and happy marriage.

It's possible... but you have to stay in counseling and let up a little.
Let her have friends and don't question everything she does.

Every woman needs her own friends and so do you. Good Luck.

Or perhaps you could try this exercise.

Fear
Fear is the opposite flow to need - accompanying any need for something is an equivalent fear of losing or not obtaining it.

We may become attached to the solutions we find for obtaining our needs - needs for love and affection, control and mastery, and for self-esteem and to find and fully express one's true self. Underlying those attachments is fear.

A basic principle of Buddhist doctrine is that attachment leads to suffering, and to be truly happy in life we do better to replace fear with acceptance.

What we resist persists. When a belief, feeling or physical sensation is stuck and just won't go away this is usually due to a lack of acceptance, underlined by fear. We resist and this only empowers and validates that which we don't like, or hate or fear.

The most powerful antidote to fear is our natural ability to accept.

To accept a situation does not mean we are pleased with it or resigned to it, rather it is being ourselves without demanding our past and present experience to be anything other than what it is. It is an aspect of love.

So let's find something that we are not confronting - that we don't feel able to accept as it is - either in our past or current circumstances. The clue is fear - fear that a past experience will happen again or fear that we will lose something precious to us.

For example, I may fear that my partner will find another man attractive and that is reinforced by a previous experience when a lover did indeed choose another man in place of me. That's a painful memory that I don't want to recur.

What am I not confronting? That my partner - in the past and in the present too - does have a choice. Behind my lack of acceptance is one or more irrational beliefs or thought distortions.

These lies or untruths cloud my viewpoint - I am not seeing clearly so how can I accept what is? So I need to looker deeper and in each case spot that what my mind is telling me is not helpful - really I know better. If I look honestly and drop my ego attachment...

False assumption: They have no right to choose another!
Truth: Do I have the right to choose my partner? Er, yes.
Negative thinking: I am not good enough to keep a woman!

Truth: Who says? Me - well I can change my mind about that then. Besides my present relationship is going well, it's me that's creating this idea.

Generalization: All women are unfaithful!
Truth: And all men too? What women do I know that are faithful? Erm, lots.
Heaven's reward: It's not fair, I stayed with her for years, I deserve better!

Truth: Yes, I deserved to be loved and still do, but I wasn't going to get that from a person who wanted to move on. That's the reality. I wish her well. And now I do have a loving relationship.

Intolerance: It's not OK that I am not the person she wants as a partner!
Truth: Well, my current partner hasn't said that, quite the opposite. I'm projecting the past situation, that it wasn't OK that she left. But I realize now that it was for the best for both of us. If it happened again the same would be true.

Exaggeration: No women want me, I'm ugly and boring!
Truth: That's what I think about myself. But actually plenty of women have found me attractive, including my present partner.
Try this process and I'm sure you'll find some insights that can change your life around.

positive-workout

Thanks everyone.
I recognise that what I have is fear based. Fear

Thanks everyone.
I recognise that what I have is fear based. Fear that my wife will find someone else more attractive, more interesting through meeting more people. Yesterday her friend [woman] flew in to visit her daughter who is studying here. Her husband didn't come with her. She is staying with Kevin [those who have been following will know who Kevin is]. I discovered that my wife went to visit Kevin at his apartment despite her promising that she wouldn't do that. When I called and I asked if she had been there she denied it and suggested I was crazy. Later she mentioned that her friend had flewn in and would to spend the afternoon with her. She spent the afternoon she walked through the city and the botanical gardens and really enjoyed herself I was pleased and very calm. So I an fine when she meets her women friends, no threat. But get very anxious if I suspect she has met up with a male friend. Your info non fear helps a little but I still get anxious if she meets guys. Sorry that's me I don't know how to get passed this. I am continuing with conselling. And I have decided to have a good conversation with my wife on Sunday to try to explain my feelings and behaviour hopefully ask her to be more honest, and to allow me to know her friends as I have her. Hopefully it will be a start.

Did you ever actually get Kevin over to dinner and start getting to know him yourself?

Hi QLP
Yes we did get him over for dinner and Friday my wife, her daughter, her friend from China, Kevin and I also went out for dinner. He is a family friend from China and apparently a link in this country for from them as he has been here for 4 years whilst my wife and her friend are new to this country, therefore they look to him for guidance I guess. I accept that he is a family friend. But I am still not comfortable with my wife spending too much time with him. A couple of time she spent 2 hours over coffee and went grocery shopping. Last Thursday I suspect she went to his apartment even after she promised she wouldn't do that again. I don't believe there is anything going on between them as I said I now accept that they are family friends, but my old fashioned western view tells me that it is inappropriate for a married woman to visit a guys apartment or spend too much time with single male friends. Today I will have a heart to heart with my wife in order to answer a couple of nagging questions honestly and for me to try to explain quite calmly why I have this fear that makes me this way..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clickaus

Hi QLP
Yes we did get him over for dinner and Friday my wife, her daughter, her friend from China, Kevin and I also went out for dinner. He is a family friend from China and apparently a link in this country for from them as he has been here for 4 years whilst my wife and her friend are new to this country, therefore they look to him for guidance I guess. I accept that he is a family friend. But I am still not comfortable with my wife spending too much time with him. A couple of time she spent 2 hours over coffee and went grocery shopping. Last Thursday I suspect she went to his apartment even after she promised she wouldn't do that again. I don't believe there is anything going on between them as I said I now accept that they are family friends, but my old fashioned western view tells me that it is inappropriate for a married woman to visit a guys apartment or spend too much time with single male friends. Today I will have a heart to heart with my wife in order to answer a couple of nagging questions honestly and for me to try to explain quite calmly why I have this fear that makes me this way..

---

She's probably afraid you'll get angry if she tells you the truth. Please be more trusting. Don't nag and please don't use the gps.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clickaus

Hi QLP
Yes we did get him over for dinner and Friday my wife, her daughter, her friend from China, Kevin and I also went out for dinner. He is a family friend from China and apparently a link in this country for from them as he has been here for 4 years whilst my wife and her friend are new to this country, therefore they look to him for guidance I guess. I accept that he is a family friend. But I am still not comfortable with my wife spending too much time with him. A couple of time she spent 2 hours over coffee and went grocery shopping. Last Thursday I suspect she went to his apartment even after she promised she wouldn't do that again. I don't believe there is anything going on between them as I said I now accept that they are family friends, but my old fashioned western view tells me that it is inappropriate for a married woman to visit a guys apartment or spend too much time with single male friends. Today I will have a heart to heart with my wife in order to answer a couple of nagging questions honestly and for me to try to explain quite calmly why I have this fear that makes me this way..

---

Communicating with your wife is good. The only problem is all the focus is on YOUR needs and fears. I am not dismissing them, of course they are important, and I sincerely hope the counselling will help you address them in time.

However, your head is so full of them you seem to have lost the art of empathy to an extent. It happens when our own feelings are overwhelming. Can I suggest that before you next have a talk with your wife you sit and try and picture yourself in her shoes. Imagine yourself in a strange country where you feel your communication skills are lacking. Imagine how it feels to not understand the culture and be constantly questioned about your natural behaviour because it doesn't seem to fit in. Imagine your partner is busy at work and you are left to your own devices to navigate this strange place. Imagine there is a familiar face who can help you learn to fit in and who understands where you come from. Try and feel for yourself how strong the need to have that contact with something familiar would be. Now imagine that your partner is unhappy about it, you don't want to hurt them but you cannot tend to your own needs alone. Imagine how torn that must make you feel. I mean really try and feel what it would be like to be in your wife's position. Then try and communicate from a position of understanding of BOTH of your needs and fears.

Thanks, good reasoning.
How do I learn to be more trusting, less paranoid and less jealous whilst still asking to be 'in the loop' as it were, as communication does need to be both ways. We had a heart to heart at the weekend. Didn't go well as she got upset, I was calm, I needed answers to some questions. I also I understand, because of my current nature, why she chooses to tell me stories or hide the truth, but I explained that by telling me stories I can sense when something doesn't add up and it makes me more anxious, so I prefer her to be honest. I asked about her going to the rear of her old apartments... she again denied, then I showed her how I knew, of course again she wasn't happy, but then she said she went down there so it was quiet to talk to me on the phone, not true, then she said she had nothing to do so she walked there just for somewhere to go, it was a dead end and she knows that that didn't make sense... so I still believe she was hiding something but I wasn't able to get that without making the whole thing worse. I fear, as I have been advised, if I am not careful I will damage something special to me.. I have said I will try hard to correct my ways, somehow, and she agrees to be more honest in her communications with me. I truly hope that this will be the start of a different outlook. It will be hard for me but I need to do something. I am still seeing the counselor and will ask if she thinks I should ask my wife to attend. Thanks you all for your patience.

I think I myself have no more imformation to give or advice. I wish you the best.

Thanks Kitkat for all you have said thus far. I will try to take everything onboard and will try to change my thinking. Regards

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clickaus

Thanks Kitkat for all you have said thus far. I will try to take everything onboard and will try to change my thinking. Regards

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Same to you and there will be other who will answer your questions... Good Luck:)

You change your behavior by changing your thinking. Most of us have formed bad habits by doing them over and over, for a long time so to reprogram your brain you practice doing the right things the right way over and over for a long time until the new habit becomes second nature and the old way is forgotten.

It's a matter of practicing and takes patience, and time, as making adjustments can be hard and frustrating at first, but gets easier as you keep doing it.

Thank you Talaniman I will try to adjust my frame of mind... My wife admitted telling lies about meeting up with Kevin. She says to avoid conflict knowing how I am saying also that she can look at me and say she has not done anything wrong. Although she says she did lie it wasn't a big or bad lie... I said that maybe so but it was lie enough to make me worried... perhaps about the wrong thing but without any other information it was enough to make me worried, which fuelled much of my behaviour. Now I have to adjust my behaviour and hope and trust she adjusts her behaviour. Thanks guys.

Just a footnote: After having this heart to heart over the weekend. I discovered an entry in her diary for this week reminding her it is Bruce's Birthday... who the hell is Bruce. She keeps telling me she doesn't have any friends here. What am I supposed to think and how am I supposed to act? I am so confused. Trying to do the right thing and it seems I get another kick.


Of course the entry was written in Chinese. So it was difficult for me to read. Just don't know how to react to this.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clickaus

Thank you Talaniman I will try to adjust my frame of mind... My wife admitted telling lies about meeting up with Kevin. She says to avoid conflict knowing how I am saying also that she can look at me and say she has not done anything wrong. Although she says she did lie it wasn't a big or bad lie... I said that maybe so but it was lie enough to make me worried... perhaps about the wrong thing but without any other information it was enough to make me worried, which fuelled much of my behaviour. Now I have to adjust my behaviour and hope and trust she adjusts her behaviour. Thanks guys.

Just a footnote: After having this heart to heart over the weekend. I discovered an entry in her diary for this week reminding her it is Bruce's Birthday... who the hell is Bruce. She keeps telling me she doesn't have any friends here. What am I supposed to think and how am I supposed to act? I am so confused. Trying to do the right thing and it seems I get another kick.

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Why were you going through her diary? Bruce could be someone back home. Are going to grill her about him? I thought you had learned something through all these post and then you snoop through her diary. I don't know what to say.

Me either

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clickaus

me either

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Look you love your wife. Tal and the others have given you wonderful advice. Don't revert back to where you were when you first posted here.
You are making progress and taking baby steps toward having more self
Confidence. Give your wife a break. How fluent is your Chinese?

Bruce could be a friend of hers from China. Please don't start doing the cross examination again and don't worry about Bruce. Keep seeing your counselor and stop worrying about every little move she makes.
You are a nice guy and probably a handsome guy. If she didn't love you she wouldn't be there. Have some self esteem. Okay?:)

Thanks KitKat
I don't believe Bruce is someone from China, I could be wrong.
I am a basket case sometimes I know. I just get so frightened. I still see the counselor once a week. Cheers I do appreciate the help


My Chinese is not so great to be honest. Just a few words in Cantonese [my wife speaks Mandarin] and I only recognize maybe a handful of characters, certainly not enough to make any sense of.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by clickaus

My Chinese is not so great to be honest. Just a few words in Cantonese [my wife speaks Mandarin] and I only recognize maybe a handful of characters, certainly not enough to make any sense of.

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Don't assume anything until you see it with your own eyes. I don't think your wife is cheating. God Bless You

Bruce could be anyone including a boyfriend/ex-boyfriend of her daughter, a past co-worker, a friend, or even a family pet. I used to have Chris' Birthday marked on my calender. Chris was our dog. Are you going to get yourself worked up over every name you don't recognize?

It could be a trap to see if you are invading her privacy by reading (or trying to) her diary.

If only you would stop acting out of fear, and impulse, you would be a more relaxed guy. But the more you snoop, the more questions your mind has, and the more you start to question everything.

From your talk with your wife, you should know she feels she has to shade the truth with you already, and that's not a good sign, and that's what you have to work on. Making her comfortable to tell you the whole truth without recrimination.

Now your snooping through her diary, and getting carried away by an entry you can't even understand. Just another thing for you to freak out on, and make you see yet another boogy man, around yet another corner.

I highly suggest you come clean about your insecurities, and maybe together you can unpack your past baggage and get on some normal ground. I feel she has to know, so she can be brutally honest with you, or you will find yourself driving her away by the way you let small thing grow into big scary things.

Quote:

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Quote by Clickaus in April, 2010
We have know each other just a few months.
Met in Early January, went on a mini break on 26 Jan and Proposed, married March 7.

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(They have been together a total of 8 months!! )

Know also that a factor in all this is the fact that you have to be a lot more open than most married couples, because you didn't have the benefit of much courtship, or dating, and the motives behind this marriage was more about what she represented to you, than what you both shared over time.

You never got to know, love, and accept her, because you never spent the time to find out, and even now, at best, neither of you have had a chance to explore the depth of your characters, and personalities, so you don't have the skills to work together to solve your issues, as if the time was taken to know one another well, I seriously doubt you would be married.

Now your are dealing with the process of gaining knowledge of each other, and gaining trust to be honest and open with each other. For most this takes a few years of dating, talking, listening, and interacting, but as your finding out, its really difficult to compress years of learning about one another, into a few MONTHS and under the constraints of marriage, which is a lifetime commitment, and requires plenty of thought.

You skipped all that, and went straight in with much baggage (thats getting in the way of a true honeymoon), and are now scuffling to make sense of what you have done. That's an enormous process that you don't seem to have the skills, or the patience for, and if I were in your shoes, I would lay the whole mess on the table, so you both can see what's going on, and come to an agreement of how to move forward, and how to define the boundaries of good behavior so you can either build something, or leave each other alone.

That's how healthy people would deal with things, and not let fear keep leading you down these dark, and destructive paths.

To bad you can't just relax, and enjoy the process, instead of throwing obstacles at yourself.