Ask Me Help Desk - I'm seeing a married man.am I horrible?

Quote:

Originally Posted by DoulaLC

I took this as answering her question. She asked if she was horrible for doing what she was doing and he answered her that yes she was horrible.

I still don't agree one iota about his response. He's overlooking that he's saying SHE is terrible... she's not terrible, what SHE IS DOING IS!

I just want to say, that my question has been answered.

I am not horrible. To the majority of people on this site, my actions are horrible. And that's OK. We all think differently.

I am seeing a counsellor on Tuesday next week, to talk over a few things that I think may need to change. I think I need to learn how to accept who I am and know that not everybody shares my opinion.

Meow420... you obviously know it is wrong, at least in some part or you wouldn't have asked the question. Assuming the wife knows and you are some how helping in keeping their marriage together only allows you to continue to justify your actions. As long as we are assuming, I would guess she doesn't know only because after a year of confiding in you and being able to talk about the intimacies of their relationship with you, I would think it would have come up in your conversations whether she knows and is OK with what is going on.

Either you are fully OK with what you are doing or you are not... which is it? I hope you find your answers with the counseling.

You can separate your being horrible from your actions being horrible that is fine just like love the sinner hate the sin.

BUT at the end of the day YOU are still the one that DID the action. You can live with yourself that is your decision but all these wives whose husbands you mess with they aren't as lucky to be able to make the decision to leave if they have no idea.

How old are you cassie?

I think if you want to stay on this site you had better refrain from the b I t c h usage.
I JUST got done posting below your last post for the SAME thing. Next one I just might give you a reddie.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cassiepooh

u r such a horrible person! what if u were married and ur husband was doing that to u?? u b i t c h! leave the married man! encourage him to stick with his wife. this is so sl ut t i s h. its people like u who make the world so bad

I have answered your question in a previous post.

I am not a s--t. I am a whore.

This is not a very encouraging comment. Not that everyone has to be nice and agree with me BUT you can express your opinions in a not so vulgar way.

Cassie it is okay to state your opinon about the situation but calling someone names is childish so what does it make you?

I don't agree with her sleeping with a married man nor do I agree with her reasons but not one did I call her a name.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Cassie it is okay to state your opinon about the situation but calling someone names is childish so what does it make you?

I don't agree with her sleeping with a married man nor do I agree with her reasons but not one did I call her a name.

And people like yourself that can voice their opinion in calm, rational way, more often get listened to. Ive listened to what people are saying and I am taking it all on board.

Jake I am a little confused by your post.

I agree that the wife most know about her husband past affairs and I don't know why she stays with him.

I for one never dated anyone one who was involved with anyone. They could have had a girlfriend, wife, etc. In the past I've been hit on by married man but I never got involved with them. I gave them a piece of my mind and ended it with a "go home to your wife".

I am confused when you say when a man/woman cheats it is actually helping to save their relationship--how is that? I never knew that cheating would help save a relationship.

If someone wanted to save their marriage they would go about it in a different. However this man doesn't even seem like he wants to save his marriage and might not love anyone (including his wife) and will continue to cheat with whoever is willing to.

I think he is in the wrong but two wrongs never makes it right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cassiepooh

sorry. i just speak my mind. u know its wrong so just stop it. plenty of men r out there. do u have yahoo messenger?

You can not solicite IMs or PM on this site.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

If someone wanted to save their marriage they would go about it in a different. However this man doesn't even seem like he wants to save his marriage and might not love anyone (including his wife) and will continue to cheat with whoever is willing to.

This man does love his wife very much. Just because he is a cheater, it does not make him incapable of loving..

If you love someone you do not hurt them in the way that cheating hurts another person.

If he honestly loved his wife, he wouldn't be in this situation.

That isn't the type of love that I would ever want in my life.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

This man does love his wife very much. Just because he is a cheater, it does not make him incapable of loving..

I never said he was incapable to love but I said he "doesn't love his wife".

What is loving?

Quote:

Originally Posted by cassiepooh

u just dont care about other people and what happens as long as u get sexual pleasure. i know the truth hurts but it has to be spoken. the man is married. give him a break! its disgusting. what else does he give u apart from sex?

I do care about other people. I don't think you really know me well enough to make that statement about me.
The truth does not hurt, It is what it is. Im not hiding from the truth. Its not all about sex. It just started that way. He gives me what I am looking for in a relationship,

Again, can we all remember that I came here with doubts about my situation (which means I do have a

Be wary of new posters who have not read the rules for posting.

Take the information that is helpful and relevant to your situation and grow. You have faced your situation and are trying to make a change for the best. Do not be discouraged.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

I do care about other people. I dont think you really know me well enough to make that statement about me.
The truth does not hurt, It is what it is. Im not hiding from the truth. Its not all about sex. It just started that way. He gives me what I am looking for in a relationship,

Again, can we all remember that I came here with doubts about my situation (which means I do have a

Again, can we all remember that I came here with doubts about my situation (which means I do have a soul) I came seeking advice and I got some great help. I decided after talking to people here that I should seek professional advice and I made an appointment with a counsellor. I see there is a problem and I am making progress at getting it resolved.

Sure he can love his wife
But he is not loving her enough to not cheat
He is not loving her enough to put her feelings and needs as #1 or he would not cheat
He is caring about his needs rather than finding a way to change or he would seek help to over come his desire for somebody else other than his wife.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Sure he can love his wife
but he is not loving her enough to not cheat
he is not loving her enough to put her feelings and needs as #1 or he would not cheat
he is caring about his needs rather than finding a way to change or he would seek help to over come his desire for somebody else other than his wife.

At the end of the day, I can only speak of my own feelings and emotions.. At this point though, his motives are not really relevant.

Quote:

Originally Posted by liz28

Jake I am a little confused by your post.

I agree that the wife most know about her husband past affairs and I don't know why she stays with him.

I for one never dated anyone one who was involved with anyone. They could have had a girlfriend, wife, etc. In the past I've been hit on by married man but I never got involved with them. I gave them a piece of my mind and ended it with a "go home to your wife".

I am confused when you say when a man/woman cheats it is actually helping to save their relationship--how is that? I never knew that cheating would help save a relationship.

If someone wanted to save their marriage they would go about it in a different. However this man doesn't even seem like he wants to save his marriage and might not love anyone (including his wife) and will continue to cheat with whoever is willing to.

I think he is in the wrong but two wrongs never makes it right.

I understand why you would ask that Liz. Most people don't agree with me on this point, and I see why.

In a relationship where (I presume) the wife has lived with her husband's affairs for a long time, and has chosen to stay, there must be some benefit. Maybe the benefit is financial, maybe it's for the sake of the kids, maybe the guy is a great guy with fine qualities, with the exception of, he sleeps around, and she knows it.

Maybe they have a partnership more than a marriage. When you consider what it takes to make a marriage work, everything doesn't revolve around how it is supposed to be by most people's standards.

I'm not saying the wife in question shouldn't get counselling with her husband, and the two of them should work on coming clean about this part of their relationship.

But, after 10 years, I think it's safe to say that she's as happy with the way things are, as he is, and so too is the OP.

Our thinking that the OP is the cause of this problem of infidelity isn't fair. The infidelity happened long before she came along, and will go on long after she moves on. That she chooses to have this affair not only dosen't make her a bad or horrible person, anymore than the wife who ignores her husbands trysts, or the husband with a long line of affairs. It's just not fair to judge.

I personally know a woman, she is a friend of mine, and has been for many years. She is committed to her marriage, but she also has a commitment to her lover on the side. I didn't abandon her when I became aware of this, but everybody else did.

Five years on, her daughter is about to get married, her husband has just retired, and the lover is still seen once in a while.

I sat back and just listened. This 'triangle' worked for her, and gave her what she needed, and she was happy with that. Still is.

IF she had asked me what I personally thought, I'd have said, you need to get rid of ManB, and concentrate on Man A, your husband. Knowing her as long as I have, I can't turn around and suddenly see her as some sort of monster. She is the same person.

I think that maybe, just maybe, the benefit to her, kept her marriage together. Who knows, maybe the same holds true for our OP's boyfriends wife?

I for one never blame the OP for this man infidelity and I don't think our members wasn't either. Everyone was just pointing out how unhealthy it was. The man is wrong but this is his behavior but it doesn't make it right.

I to have a friend that just stopped dating a married man for 11 years. I seen the struggles she went through but it was her fault. The wife knew about it but she didn't care until she got fed up with it and came after my friend with a knife. That woke her up to leave.

After reading the OP other post I see she have some unhealthy views and I just hope that counseling helps her open her eyes and get her on a healthy road.