"Also, have you figure out whats causing you to attract this kind of people in your live. ( SP= "Life")...

Good question....Dennisse.

Look at your childhood and relationship with your parents - divorce, alcohol, abuse, estrangement, death... or violence can cause us to do things we are are not even aware of - accepting dyfunction in our lives

I think its really important and brave that you are asking these questions but to be honest having read this thread I really think you should seek professional psychological help to lok at the experiences in yr past which have come to this place where you can understand the emotional relationship with someone who has damaged your children in terms of love.

People often have a habit of repeating the situations they grew up with. This can range from good, secure role models to insecure role models (like I've followed) to really messed up and dysfunctional ones (like you have probably followed). Coming to terms with this and understanding it will take professional help.

I wish you well on this journey

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?

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I am not excaltly in your shows yet. Let me start with this. I married a man who turned out to be a child molester and he molested my daughter, his step-daughter, he molested others as well. I never knew, for 5 years my daughter went through hell, but at the same time she was happy, well that is what I thought. My life has been turned upside down, it has completely devastated me, because one I still love him and two I want him to pay for what he has done and admit what he has done to ALL his victims. This is still very raw to me, I just found out in August 2007. He plead guilty and got 40 years. I just went and seen him in jail for the first time since his arrest in August. He at first denied he did all he did, but the next day when I went back to see him, he told me he did it all and wants help and needs help and he also told me he was molested by an uncle when he was a child. I am so confused, do I believe him? Can he change, no, but if he sticks by what he says, and stays in therapy for the rest of his life, and have strong faith in Jesus, he can get help and control his impulses. He told me he never meant to hurt anyone, that he don't understand or know why he did it. I love him still and it hurts and I feel like I am betraying my daughter and his other victims by feeling this way and hoping he will get help. Is that wrong of me? Do I stay married to him, I don't know, that is why I am here looking for answers too, it is a horrible, life changing experience no one deserves to go through. What can we do? I made a support group on Yahoo, please come check it out and join and together we can support each other... lets talk, OK? I wish there was more help out there for child molesters, no matter what they've done, they are still human, they need help and if they don't want it or pretend they do, but really don't and become repeat offenders, then they deserve to spend the rest of their lives in prison, but if they want and willing to do anything to change and get help, then they should have that right, at least. I know people may think I am sick to stand up for a child molester, but I know deep down he is a good man and that he needs help, if I am wrong, then I'm wrong, I have to have that little bit of hope, for the sake of my daughter we had together. Anyway, please go check out my site. God bless and believe me I feel your pain, I do.

mothersagainstchildmolesters : Mother's Against Child Molesters

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Originally Posted by iamasurvivor

I am not excaltly in your shows yet. Let me start with this. I married a man who turned out to be a child molester and he molested my daughter, his step-daughter, he molested others as well. I never knew, for 5 years my daughter went through hell, but at the same time she was happy, well that is what I thought. My life has been turned upside down, it has completely devasted me, because one I still love him and two I want him to pay for what he has done and admit what he has done to ALL his victims. This is still very raw to me, I just found out in August 2007. He plead guilty and got 40 years. I just went and seen him in jail for the first time since his arrest in August. He at first denied he did all he did, but the next day when I went back to see him, he told me he did it all and wants help and needs help and he also told me he was molested by an uncle when he was a child. I am so confused, do I believe him? Can he change, no, but if he sticks by what he says, and stays in therapy for the rest of his life, and have strong faith in Jesus, he can get help and control his impulses. He told me he never meant to hurt anyone, that he don't understand or know why he did it. I love him still and it hurts and I feel like I am betraying my daughter and his other victims by feeling this way and hoping he will get help. Is that wrong of me? Do I stay married to him, I don't know, that is why I am here looking for answers too, it is a horrible, life changing experience no one deserves to go through. What can we do? I made a support group on yahoo, please come check it out and join and together we can support each other...lets talk, ok? I wish there was more help out there for child molesters, no matter what they've done, they are still human, they need help and if they don't want it or pretend they do, but really don't and become repeat offenders, then they deserve to spend the rest of their lives in prison, but if they want and willing to do anything to change and get help, then they should have that right, at least. I know people may think I am sick to stand up for a child molester, but I know deep down he is a good man and that he needs help, if I am wrong, then I'm wrong, I have to have that little bit of hope, for the sake of my daughter we had together. Anyway, please go check out my site. God bless and believe me I feel your pain, I do.

mothersagainstchildmolesters : Mother's Against Child Molesters

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While I respect the pain you are facing, I have no sympathy for adults who ruin the lives of children. If they were so miserable, they'd seek help before they harm more children rather than crying after they have been caught.
There is no way, I'd stay married to a man who harmed my child. That's like telling your child it's excusable and your love for him is stronger than your love for your child.
At any rate, I wish you peace in this.

Thank you for your post, but I never said that my love for him is stronger then the love of my child. I will never get back with him, but in time I will forgive him. I can't answer why he never got help, I can not speak for him, all I want is closure. When I met him he changed my life around, he helped me with my own demons, meanwhile he had his own. I have no ideal how he did it. I know he was a , a lair, a monster, but no matter what he did, he is still human. No he has no right to be crying now, of course he will cry now because only after being caught did it hit him what he has done. He has 40 years to sit and think about the pain he has caused to so, so, many people. I have no sympathy for him or his mother because of many other things she has done and said to me and my children. All I am speaking about is my 5 year old daughter we had together, yes even though he is a sick man and a child molester, he is still and always will be her father. Yes I know I need help and I have been in therapy for the past 3 months, all of us have, meaning my children and me. I am trying to get to the root of why I still love him and why I feel sorry for him, I know I shouldn't, but I do and I can not help that right now. I know what he has done to my child, I lived through it myself as a child I too was molested and now I married one and continued the cycle. I feel horrible about what has happened, I feel to blame because I never seen it, he hide it so well. I don't know what to do, I am not looking to set him "free", I want him to suffer in prison and serve his time, but I also want him to get the help he needs, if he truly wants it, that is all. Anyway, thank you again, I knew no-one will understand what I went through and what I am going through unless you lived in my shoes, unless you lived my life. I don't want , I want answers, I want help with coping with this and I have looked and looked and asked and asked and no-one has offered any, I can't find anyone to help. I am on the verge of being homeless, I can't find work, my bills are due and I can't pay them and the wonderful world I live in has also closed the door on me. I received help from a place called Hope Harbor, it's a victim's advocate place, last month and I called my advocate again asking for help telling them I may be forced to move back home, the place I left to start over and get away from my problems and you know what she tells me, oh well we can't help you no-more because you are un-stable, because I haven't found a job and not sure if I am going to stay here. Isn't that so nice of them, meanwhile my husband has no worries. I was so confused, I had no-where to go, no-one to turn to. I live on the same property as my husband parents, his mother took his side and believed him when he said he didn't do all he was accused of and guilty of. She had my phone shut off, my internet account closed, she called my daughter a lair. This is a woman I use to call my second mother, both her and her son has betrayed me, we are the victims and look what is happening to my children and me. And to make matters worse, my husband has made "trustee" and he has some special privileges. So, again, NO I have no sympathy for him, I pity him, I love him because he, no matter what kind of evil monster he is, helped make me the person I am today and he gave me a beautiful baby that I will never regret having with him. He didn't fit the profile of a child molester, he didn't go looking online, never used the computer, he never had keepsakes of his victims, so on, so forth, but I guess because he had it all handed to him by me when I moved in with him and then married him. I was so naïve, so stupid, so blinded by the love he showed me, because the part of him that wasn't a child molester was a good husband and father, I know that sounds horrible and it is and I am probably wrong, but that is how I feel. Well got to go, bye for now.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

While I respect the pain you are facing, I have no sympathy for adults who ruin the lives of children. If they were so miserable, they'd seek help before they harm more children rather than crying after they have been caught.
There is no way, I'd stay married to a man who harmed my child. That's like telling your child it's excusable and your love for him is stronger than your love for your child.
At any rate, I wish you peace in this.

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Your story really pains me and I hope you receive all the help you need.
He does fit the profile though, they often go after single women with a child, who has problems so they can step in as a savior. They help you out do wonderful things for you all the while scoping your child. They are very clever animals. If he was so regretful and sorry, he'd tell his mother to make sure you and his daughter were taken care of.
I would even venture to say that his mother knows what he does as he has probably done it before.
Continue getting the therapy and help for your children. I wish you and your children peace, resolve and comfort.

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Originally Posted by firaelle

PLEASE EXCUSE ME, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS COMMON SENSE THAT WHEN YOU BRING A CHILD INTO THE WORLD THEY ARE THE NUMBER ONE PRIORITY. IF YOU DON'T KNOW THIS, THEN YOU SHOULD'VE NEVER HAVE BROUGHT A CHILD INTO TO THIS WORLD. HMM, A HAPPY & HEALTHY CHILD OR MOMMY FINDING LOVE, GIVE ME A BREAK LADY.

SELFISH SELFISH SELFISH, YOU HAVE NO RIGHT HAVING CHILDREN. GET YOUR MIND RIGHT.

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I agree 100%. How could anyone live with someone like that:mad:

I agree, this woman is seriously deranged

Mine too

I know a lot about this subject. Why? Because I was molested too

Hear, hear!

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

Are you out of your mind? Or all just illiterate. As I have said the child is grown over 18 and out of the house and We are not even dating This is a love I carry in my heart and have not acted upon at all, which is why I was seeking advise? The only wrong action I have taken was to pour my heart out to a bunch of people who would prefer to sit in judgement and start a lynch mob rather than to listen or give advise. And you call yourself Christians????

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Just because you kids are now grown up, doesn't mean that they are OK. I was sexually abuse nearly 30 years ago and it still affects me now.

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

You know it is a real shame that there are support groups for family members alchoholics or drug addicts but not for pedifiles. In fact, the shame of even being associated with someone that has done this deed keeps people from getting advise or the help that they need. ? It is quite possible that I am crazy as well as the other thousands of people that do still love the members of there family that have done this deed. I personally know a few only because they admitted to me about there brother, father, uncle ect.. after they found out about my ex. It was such a relief for them to talk about there mixed feelings about there loved ones to someone else without shame. But apparently we are all just to be hanged with family members. We are not the ones at fault. We are victims. And your hatred and abuse is why they don't ask for help and my even cause others to run from society and make bad decisions that could endanger children because There ill family members are the only ones they can talk to without scorn. If thinking about something is the same as acting on it and worthy of law officials being called, and people wishing they can jump through internet lines and hurt someone,how many of you would be in jail. My God have mercy on your souls.

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Because they don't deserve help

[B][I]Hello BEEN THERE... I know what you are going through, please come visit my group online, so we can chat or e-mail each other... PLEASE!! Just copy and paste this link to your browser. My name is Patti and I am in the same boat as u, being judged, looked down upon, having others say I'm crazy to still love my husband, etc... let's talk. They don't realize it's easier said then done. We can't shut our love off like a light switch, wish we could, boy do I. Come visit my group, please... talk to you later, Patti

mothersagainstchildmolesters : Mother's Against Child Molesters

Wow! I never thought we would go all the places we have gone with this back on page 2 when I proded you for more information. I would like to say that I am sorry to BeenThere for not keeping up with every statement and from what I have just read from over the last few months you were given HELL. I am sorry for not informing you that I am an S.O. (sex offender) that has been through S.O.T.P. (sex offender treatment program) twice once in prison and then again when placed on parole which I have just finished in Sept. I learned a great deal in SOTP . One thing I learned was sexual assult is NOT always about sex it is mostly about power and control. In my treatment I have been give a great many tools that I can use to not reoffend and now that I have got off parole I can now go to a SOTP group any time free and will most likely do so in the future, time and again. In my case I did not get back in touch with the mother of the 15 year old that I assulted and have been told that is very hard to do. I have married again to a woman who knows my case and knew my PO. We have been married over 6 years now. She loves me very much and knows how to keep an eye out on me. I have neices that I have just spent Christmas Day with opening X-mas gifts. Before every one has a cow... our whole family knows I am a SO and no crime has been committed (4answeres!). We have a good life with few restrictions. Jobs are hard to come by, I don't think I will be going to work for the Girl Scouts or school any time soon. I say all this to Beenthere to let her know that I do know the subject to with she is talking about very much. AND I think your relationship should be pined on your daughter. If she don't mind and you love the man then do like my wife and become a chaperon through his SOTP group and learn how he will try and manipulate everyone If he is going to assult some one again. I bet if he spent any time in prison he knows he has to walk the straight and narrow for the rest of his life or will spend the rest of his life in prison. For me 5 and half years on a 15 got me to watch myself real good and my family watches me with the kids and I have had 14 years of SOTP. If you love him I mean really love him and your daughter don't care then who cares what all these people think. Real love only comes around just every once and a while better get some I got mine and THAT love is my strength to stay focused on what's right I thank God for her.

I am divorced from an ex-child molester. My daughter was 9 years old when I discovered what I was married to. I understand your guilt for having any "love" left for the man. I still "love" my ex-husband like I would love a brother because he is the father of my children and I was married to him for 13 years. However, the thought of him touching me in a sexual manner brings on feelings of nausea.

Let me explain that the only reason this man can be called an "ex" child molester is because he is serving a life prison sentence. After I divorced him, he remarried and had 5more kids. His new wife was told that his "crazy ex wife" made that story about him up. When one of their children made an outcry, she still believed in him. The state took their children away and they fought the charges. A Tarrant County Jury convicted him of aggravated sexual assault of a child and sentenced him to life in prison. This is exactly where he needs to be. He was given a second chance after he molested our daughter. He went through several years of counseling. My point is, these men do not stop molesting ever unless they are put in a cage. He knew what kind of damage he was doing to his little girl but chose to go forward for his own selfish gratification.

You say

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again.

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Then you ask

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

Is anybody out there making it work?

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Why would you want to make it work?

Often people still have strong feelings for someone no matter how much they wronged them BUT you have to face the fact that they can not be trusted and it is best to keep your love at a distance and not get involved again unless you want to put yourself through more heartache and misery!

When I was a child, my father molested me. My parents were already divorced by then, but I know that if she had ever taken him back after she found out about it I would never have forgiven her.

Honestly I don't know how you could ever even think about taking him back unless you wanted your kid to hate you.

Hope this helps... :-D

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

My parents stayed together after my Dad molested my sister. Of course it was a different time and it was not reported. We all grew up loving each other and forgiving the flaws and we all grew to be normal productive citizens. Then I married a man who molested my daughter. I called social service, had him arrested, and divorced him. But the love I feel though changed has never died and my kids are all grown. Can a relationship after the fact still work? Is anybody out there trying it. This man tore my world apart once, I can not go through that again. Is anybody out there making it work?

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Somehow I can relate to you. I was molested by my Step-Father (a different time and it was not reported due to the fact my mother never believed me, she got rid of me and continued to stay with him) and then I found out that my Husband (Now EX) molested my daughter (which is not his biological daughter) over years, she even was twice pregnant by him and he forced her to have a abortion twice. It happened in a age range where she was 12 - 16. I did not find out until AFTER I was divorced from him. He also was very abusive.

I tried to file charges but the US Army protected him (as always ABUSE in the US Army is always covered up to make them look good).

We got divorced in 2003 and since then I have never dated again and I don't think I ever will again. My daughter needs therapy and I need therapy but who can afford that? My daughter seems to be fine on the outside, but she drinks and when she does she calls me and cries for hours and hours. It kills me that he is also the father of my son and therefore keeps popping in and out of my Life. NO LAWYER in THE USA helps me to bring him down. You can find 1000 lawyers if you have a accident but when it comes to REAL CRIME there are none unless you willing to pay them $ 300 an hour!!

He is the EVIL in person but he lives happily after he destroyed and ruined the kids and me!!

It would take days to write down everything. We were married 18 years (so imagine how long the story is) I loved that man more then my Life and deep down I will always love him (I see him everyday when I look at my son).

He is the greatest MANIPULATOR I know he can talk you into it that all he ever done is somebody's fault and he is God's gift to everyone. I HATE MYSELF for not getting him out of my head. Somehow if you have been abused ALL YOUR life you stop fighting and you just give up. I gave up, I will never ever trust anybody.

So trust me BEEN THERE I understand what you are going through and I would never judge you because I also been there!!

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Originally Posted by BEEN THERE

Are you out of your mind? Or all just illiterate. As I have said the child is grown over 18 and out of the house and We are not even dating This is a love I carry in my heart and have not acted upon at all, which is why I was seeking advise? The only wrong action I have taken was to pour my heart out to a bunch of people who would prefer to sit in judgement and start a lynch mob rather than to listen or give advise. And you call yourself Christians????

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People who never experienced something like that will never be on your side!

I was abused all my life and tried all my life to break the cycle. I married out of love and I thought he is the man who loves me and will never hurt me.

After only 6 month of marriage he lifted his fists against me. His abuse was always in the hidden. I still tried to stay with him and tried to make it work, after all if you are raised that ALL THE ABUSE IS YOUR OWN FAULT you start to believe that!

If you hear everyday HOW WORTHLESS you are then yes you become WORTHLESS!

Trust me I fought back hard but there was nobody who was willing to help.

And before somebody judges me now "IF YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED IT then don't judge me"

It became quiet and I actually became happy for a couple of years. I NEVER HIT MY KIDS (I know I broke that cycle) My EX did not hit me for over 10 years but then I found out he just whored around and BOOM guess who I blamed? MYSELF...

It is not the physical abuse what broke me it was the mental abuse which I will never heal from.

Then in a split second he got rid of ME and the kids and I suffered. Being a foreigner in this country you get treated like . He kidnapped my kids and it took over 18 months to get them back! By then my daughter was ruined.

She had searched for her real father and ran from bad to worth. HE RAPED my daughter after she tried to tell him what happened to her (Thank god he is locked up for the rest of his life thanks to his ex-wife)!

During that time (when my ex had the kids against my will) he must have molested my daughter ( I did not found out until after I was divorced) He black mailed my daughter for years in order to keep her in line. By the way my daughter is today 25 and I have not seen her in 8 years. We talk on the phone almost everyday but we live to far apart. I raised my son on my own and I HOPE I broke the cycle. My daughter and I never told my son because we do not want to destroy him and hopefully he becomes a better man then his father. I kept everything away from my son but due to this fact he cherishes the ground his father walks on and thinks his father is 100% perfect and my EX is still using that fact, (I better not go into details) knowing I would never ever hurt my son.

I have to stop now...

PLEASE don't judge if someone tries to come forward and seek advice. I would love to get help but can't afford it. Instead I got rid of all friends because I don't trust anyone anymore, I stick to the one person I can trust and that is ME. I have only 2 friends left ( 1 is gay so therefore he is the one man close to me and my best girlfriend who grew up with me but sad she is over 8000 miles away from me) I go to work everyday and put on a mask (smiling & being strong). I could be that person close to you and you think you know me but trust me YOU DON'T KNOW ME