Read my signature quote. Truly understand what it means.
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Read my signature quote. Truly understand what it means.
Your first wife spent too much time with her family? The second relationship ended when the girlfriend went back to Japan?
You had a few relationships that end badly and you used a GPS to track the last girlfriend?
I'm not trying to be cruel but there seems to be a pattern to your behavior with women. You have some very big trust issues.
Where is your first wife now? You met the present wife online and the ex girlfriend? If your wife is trying to learn English, I assume she hasn't been in the U.S very long. You say she's here on a Guardian Visa?
Do you have children other than your step daughter?
I do hope you work out these problems and get some self confidence. Keep posting and we'll try to help... Remember this.. You are probably a nice man. You need to like yourself and see your good points.. . Kit
Hi Clikaus, just to respond to your earlier comment to me, didn't get to reply. I take responsibility for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what I did, I'm just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing. At the moment she may tolerate all this but eventually she will get fed up and your worst fears may come true.
Personally I don't think it's a good idea to spend time alone with friends of the opposite sex if your married. However you are saying that males only want to be friends for one reason, while females are inocent and just want friends? Well to a certain degree I would agree because in my experience all the guys who said they just wanted to be friends actually tried or hoped for more, however there are a lot of women out there who steel married men so your being naïve by thinking like this. You making that comment sounds so familiar to me as my husband used to say the same thing. It's just double standards.
The more you try to control her, the more you are pushing her away.
Yes Kitkat I agree, he is probably a nice guy. My husband behaved in the same way earlier in our relationship. At first I saw the wonderful qualities in him that made me fall in love with him. When I looked at him I would see this caring, loving, handsome great guy, but over time when I looked at him I would see this crazy control freak. Pple told me to leave him but I knew underneath what he was really like. Fortunately we worked through this and got counceling. We still have issues and ups and downs but he is a great husband and I now feel trusted. Clickaus, my husband used to say that he doesn't feel good enough and wonders why I am with him. He thought any other guy would be better and that's why he felt the strong need to control everything in the hope that I would stay with him. I tried so hard to prove to him that he was the one I wanted to be with and that I truly loved him. I finally realised that I could never convince him until he learned to like himself and deal with his insecurities. I sincerely hope that you can do the same. Good luck.
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Originally Posted by pinkangelgirl
I can't add too much more. I have a lot of friends who are male.. I haven't slept with any of them. Believe it or not men and women can be friends and have a purely platonic relationship.
Thanks to all
To Stringer, she has been in this country just 18 months. She is curious by nature and wanting to learn quickly, and as I said before she is open, friendly and fears offending people, even to the point of not being short with people who may approach her.
Hi pinkangelgirl, thanks, I guess I am not alone in my thinking, it's a guy thing I guess, especially if you are a little insecure about yourself. I just need to put things into perspective and enjoy what I have... I still believe I am a lucky guy and I still need to pinch myself everyday to ensure I am not just dreaming.. first counseling session today, keep you posted.
Kitkat
I am still in contact with my first wife, we have a son together, he is 13 years old. I see him every Saturday and look forward to weekend stay overs on school holidays. I also have a daughter, 32, living in England with her family
My current wife has been in this country 18 months now.
Thank you to everyone who has chipped in their thoughts and comments. I am truly grateful for your time and effort. I would be a total headcase [even more than now] if it were not for you all. Thanks.
You need to start having more confidence in yourself. She wouldn't have married you if you weren't a good guy. Good luck.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
Hi y'all.
Been to two sessions so far. First session trying to cram my past history into the first hour in order to give her a base for my background, second session wanted to get more off my chest only to find she was trying to get a family tree together !@#? Next session I am told will be concentrating on breathing excercises @#@? I just need to figure out why I feel and think the way I do, and is it normal/abnormal am I wrong/right and how do I control my anxiety, and what is appropriate behaviour in a relationship on both sides. More to come I am sure.
Probably a genogram. Family systems therapists use them a lot. I like this, if that's what she's doing. I've always found them to be very helpful, both for me and for the client. It's a visual of who you are.Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
Genogram - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
To help you with anxiety. Let her teach you. Concentrate and learn them. You'll be surprised how much they will help. I took Lamaze classes and learned good breathing and had an eight-pound baby with no anesthesia. You should be so lucky.Quote:
Next session I am told will be concentrating on breathing excercises @#@?
Take it bit by bit. You don't have to do all this in three appointments. Go with the flow.Quote:
I just need to figure out why I feel and think the way I do, and is it normal/abnormal am I wrong/right and how do I control my anxiety, and what is appropriate behaviour in a relationship on both sides.
Good! I can't wait to hear more!!Quote:
More to come I am sure.
I agree with Wondergirl!Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
I am sorry but it is hard to get the whole picture from just one session. You do have lots of anxiety and you need to let this professional help you. If your resistant or fight against it then you will only fail. The more you go, the more you learn. The better off you will be. I know that it takes time and patience. You have lots of time, you just need to learn the patience part. There is no quick fix. This did not develop overnight so what is needed is step by step to bring everything into the forefront.
I understand, thanks
I'm going to ask a question that HAS to be asked. Did she need to get married to stay in the country?
Impatience was your problem before as you rushed to get an instant family. Instead of taking your time getting to know your new wife well. Then you instantly jumped to mistrust.
Joe is right, there are no quick fixes, and for once you have to go through the process of learning, at a much better pace.
Keep up the counseling!
Hi guys its me again. Been to two counseling sessions so far and I felt better getting things out. Then Something happened, wanted to talk but counsellor is off on vacation, go figure. Hope you could help. I know you are going to go off at me...
Well my wife spent the morning with her friend Kelly, shopping at the local Mall. I called her in the morning and she said she was just about to leave the house to meet Kelly, all was fine. About two hours later, I called her during my break to say Hi but didn't get through. I checked her GPS to find she was on her way home from the mall, still good. I thought I would wait till she got home and call again, only instead of going home she turned down the side street opposite from where we live to arrive at the rear of her old apartments again, she did this once before. She didn't actully go in to the apartments just went to the back entrance. This is where her ex flatmate lives [Kevin]. I called her immediately I tried to stay calm and asked if Kelly was still with her, but no. I asked if she met up with anyone else, no. She just said was just one her way home... I guess she could tell I was uncomfortable about something and asked if I was happy pasked about 5 times]
. I said I would talk later. She called me back 15 minutes later abd again asked if I was happy... The evening converstaion was stunnted on my part because I had this in my head not knowing how to ask outright.. Later I did ask saying that I believed she went to the back of her old apartments. I didn't know why she needed to do that. She denied that she was there. Asking why would she do that she had no reason to be there. I agree.. Know if she had said that she had met Kevin on the way home, I would have been OK except that there is an entrance on the main road in the front, again opposite our apartment complex, so no reason the walk around the back.. But no matter how I asked she denied totally she had walked there and I was all in my mind. I am going crazy not knowing her reason. How do I approach this as each working week that comes along I am so anxious, weekends when I am with her all is fine. No I am not looking for a divorce I truly love this lady but I just need an answer to this riddle.
You would feel so dumb if it was Kelly seeing Kevin. I don't know.
For a guy who doesn't want a divorce, you sure are trying hard to get one.
So now, despite counseling, around the same circle you go, and with the same results. Pure insanity.
I just want to know what your therapist says about you "tailing" your WIFE through GPS??
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Originally Posted by talaniman
Still accusatory and paranoid. Still questioning her every move. It would drive me crazy. Keep it up and she'll be gone and then you won't have to worry about.
Don't you realize you are stalking your own wife? Get over it! I'm really surprised she's stuck it out this long. You interrogate her and want to know every single move sh makes? KNOCK IT OFF and give her a break.
If she isn't half crazy now , she will be if she stays with you and you continue this behaviour.
clickaus, have you told your therapist about tracking your wife? If so, what has he/she said about it. If not, then why not? How honest have you been in these sessions so far?
Admittedly, you just started counseling and it takes time to see changes. However, I am not positive that you are actually trying to change. You can't just say you want to change. YOU have to put actions to those words. Otherwise, the cycle of doubt and tracking will continue.
I can't tell if you are worried about your own behavior and the lines you are crossing or if you are boasting about knowing where your wife is even when she doesn't answer her phone.
I don't know what you expect to hear that hasn't already been said.
You aren't being open and honest with her. You are setting her up to 'lie' to you. You say that she is still learning your language, but you ask leading questions instead of asking her straight out in words that can't be twisted. No wonder you don't like the answers you are getting.
Do you really love her? Do you understand what love is?
Does your wife know you are using the gps to track her?
What else can she conclude when you show that you know where she's been?
Here are some other things to consider as you systematically blow up your marriage:
Maybe you have really got her attention with all your questions and your semi-accurate "guesses" about where she's been, so she is testing you to see how accurate your knowledge of her whereabouts is.
What if the gps is in fact inaccurate and she was at the front of her own house when you called her? Have you carefully checked the precision of the gps unit in a variety of conditions? Do you really know she was across the street?
Also, I didn't catch this in earlier posts. But is it actually gps, or is it cell phone triangulation, which is different and less accurate? My own phone puts me way off where I actually am at times. Other times, it's right on.
This isn't just about trust (which is really important); it's also about your total inability to let go, to not know things, and to be okay with what you do know.
When you are not grilling your beautiful wife about her every move, what do you guys do together for fun? Do you enjoy her company? Do you feel comfortable around her? Why don't you focus on that instead of trying to catch her doing something that is in your head?
Have you learned to speak her native language? Why not? Put your excess energy into something positive and productive instead of all of this negative energy which will drive her away. How do you show her you love her? What more can you do?
I think, unless you STOP acting like a needy, insecure, jealous pile of nerves... you are going to lose her.
Hi
Counselor knows about the GPS, she understands why, considering my past upsets in relationships, BUT has asked to stop it although she knows its difficult to stop straight away. I am doing it less, honestly.
I do love my wife and can't bear the thought of being without her, ever. I do enjoy her company, I feel the most relaxed when I am around her. I try to understand her language too.
Kelly is married and is not seeing Kevin. If my wife just says that she caught with him and walked back with him I would not be so anxious I then would know she was being straight with me. By denying she was where she was just makes it worse for me. I am not suspecting her of cheating, I just want to know why she cannot be upfront about her day if she has nothing to hide. If your partner started taking a detour after work or at lunch time but didn't say anything and you found out in some way, you would be curious and I am quite sure you would want to know the answer to the question. I cannot believe you would choose to ignore that fact. I am not so different. How you would react in a similar situation.
I hasten to say I do not bombard my wife with all of this I keep it to myself as much as I can, although my face and voice sometimes betrays me, I do not want to jeopardise this relationship as I quite believe it to be my last chance on this earth for a happy relationship. Because I have been burnt before I am just cautious [over cautious] in ensuring she is genuine in her heart.
No I would not be curious if my husband stareted to take a detour to work or didn't say anything to me about where he had lunch. That's the way marriage is and I hasten to say he would never follow me or question where I've been. It's called trust and respect and we both have that for each other.Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
We both had trust issues from or first marriages but we soon got over it and we've been married many years and never once have I or has he questioned our faithfullness too each other. All women are not the same and your previous relationships keep causing you to shoot yourself in the foot. Get over it.
First off, tracking my wife is not an option, burnt or not in the past. And second, No matter the outcome, she would know full well my fears, the why, and the HOW! Either she understands or not, at least she would have the whole truth to make a decision with.
That my friend may be the differences in us, how we handle ourselves in a similar situation. I don't judge, but I will comment straight up!
You must be kidding! I have far more important things to do than to keep an eye on my husband's wanderings. Fry's Electronics is right down the road from Hooter's. He's maybe dropping in at Hooter's to check out the waitresses every time he tells me he's going to Fry's? O'Shaunassy's Bar is across the street from the grocery store. Maybe he's stopping in at the bar to ogle the barmaids after he grocery shops -- or before, in case he buys ice cream? Good grief!!Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
No, you didn't find out "in some way." You are spying on her.Quote:
and you found out in some way
Actually, I have ignored it. For 43 years. I trust him.Quote:
you would be curious and I am quite sure you would want to know the answer to the question. I cannot believe you would choose to ignore that fact.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
You are wrong C. you tracked your first or second wife by gps and you tracked this one the same way. I just cannot fathom anyone doing that to someone else. You keep going to that counselor.
I am assuming you have not told your wife you are tracking her.
So how do you know how accurate your tracking system is? What evidence do you have that the phone can tell whether the phone is on one side of a building or another or one one side of the street or another? What if minor amounts of imprecision are leading you to think your wife is lying when she's telling the truth?
Tell me what did the first woman do to make you distrust her? Why are you so down on yourself? Were all three of your relationships with Oriental woman? I think it's sad to be treated that way , being so far from home with no choice but to stay with someone who wants to know every single second of their activities. I wouldn't put up with for asecond. You would be wearing that GPS. I'm trying to help you but I don't know why you feel so insecure or why and when you became this way.Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
I did a little reading around and the number I'm seeing for locating cell phones is typically to within about 100 meters, though it can be off by a lot more than that depending on the situation. To me, that doesn't tell you which side of a street she is on or which entrance to a building.
Complicating factors include whether the phone uses gps (more accurate) or cell tower triangulation (less accurate), number of cell towers in the area, obstructions such as large buildings or hills, etc. About 90% of phones use cell tower triangulation, but even with real gps, satellites can be blocked. My sister sent me a gps unit and it doesn't work at all at my house.
So I'm saying that it's not even clear that you know what you think you know. I think you should throw out your tracking software and think about what nice thing you can do for your wife tomorrow (so she'll feel loved and not ever want to leave you).
I recommend that you read The five languages of love and spend your time figuring out which love language your wife speaks. Then do all the things that will make her feel loved.
Asking, that is so great you found imformation about the gps. That's great. C. Listen and read this and see that your fears are unfounded.Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
You know what , you can go to counselling till the cows come home , you can keep posting on here about how she should tell you the truth instead of telling you little white lies about where she is , and you're the one pushing her to do so by being so insecure because she knows that if she tells you your going to read more into it than what there may be.
But until you lose that GPS and stop tracking her trying to find something that may not even be there , she will leave you in the end. There's just so much one can take before they finally break.
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Originally Posted by friend4u178
You really need to trust the woman. How in the world can she stand the constant interrogations? I would have been gone in a New York minute.
Hi
I agree that GPS [find my phone app in iPhone] is not pin point accurate but I believe when it shows me she is going in the opposite direction to home and down a street a block away from our apartment complex.. I started this with my previous girlfriend [yes, she was asian] who constantly told me she was not allowed out after college as she was living with big sister, only to find she was out every night that she wasn't with me and finally caught her in a restaurant with another guy after finding she was at his house the night before, now that is accurate enough.
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Originally Posted by clickaus
Did you use a gps to find this out? It's a shame you don't have enough confidence in yourself to stop this.
I am looking for that book
Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
Good!
After all these posts , etc.. You are still lost and do not get it do you.Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
Your taking problems from previous relationship and making it a problem in this one.
You are the problem not your wife. Your borderline stalker. You keep trying to justify your actions with the gps but you can not base it on an ex cheating on you.
I honestly hope that things work out for you too, but as long as you keep doing this to your wife. YOU WILL LOSE HER. No matter what she does, it will only be YOUR FAULT.
Starting to think she is better off without you in her life. Starting to really think this marriage is doomed because you are not getting it. NOTHING is sinking in your head.
OTHERS, have already said they would have left you long time ago if you were pulling that crap with them. IF and I say IF, she sees anybody else or cheats on you, afraid to say it will be your fault. At the same time people who are in these situations find it hard to get out of because of the control and guilt factor. That is caused by the person who is always trying to put a leash on them.
Your wife is NOT YOUR DOG. Start treating her like you LOVE HER, start treating her better then you would then a dog and GET THE CHAIN Off HER NECK.
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Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
C.. read this and then go back through all the advice you have been given.
It's really a little no a lot creepy stalking your wife. We want to help but if you keep doing the same thing over and over we're not getting through to you.
With the previous girl I found out by accident after she told me she couldn't come out as she had to help family with a big dinner. Just before I decided to go to bed I send her a message say goodnight. Didn't get one back, checked the GPS for the first time essentially to gain comfort from the fact it would show me her at home.. WRONG she was actually at this other guys house who turned out to be a customer at the café where she worked. What a mug I was. The GPS help me avoid so much more pain. The just added to the list hurt from previous relationships, way before the invention of GPS..
I am not defending my actions as such. Just trying to protect myself from being hurt again... sorry guys.
You need to stop this this! Don't judge all women by one. Lose the GPS or lose your wife... that's your options.Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
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