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The plan sounds good to me, as long as you give her some space and let her make her own decisions without your assuming the role of "grownup" to her "child." It might help if you starting thinking of her as your superior, just to promote the habit of treating her with respect even when you don't understand her choices or ideas. I'm not saying she is better, but that you are so used to second guessing her, it might be helpful to just shut off that part of you. Just a thought.
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Originally Posted by asking
Makes sense, thanks
My sense is you need to put your financial house in order and keep contact with your wife strictly about your kids, and their future.
She needs the space. Let her have it.
Makes me wonder what other facts your not telling her about.Quote:
Also, I informed her that I had been off my depression medication for about six months because we couldn't afford it and I didn't want to bother them with
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Originally Posted by talaniman
There isn't anything else. I trusted her and we had built a life from when I was still a teenager!
Also, that may be fine and dandy to say it should be strictly about the kids, but I still have a lot of unanswered questions and emotions. I can't just cancel someone (and certainly not my emotions towards her) after spending my entire adult life with her. We've spoken over the past few weeks about some of these things, but I still don't understand why she felt this was an appropriate course of action... like I said, we'd built a fairly decent life together and it was only going to get better In my opinion. She wouldn't have had to work forever, just long enough to buy our home and get our credit cards paid off. Apparently she couldn't or wouldn't commit to that or our marriage. I just wish there would have been more communication because it might not have come to this.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Greatbignow, their isn't much you can do right now.. It's just the way it is with your wife, you can't change her, you have to change yourself. As difficult it is, your main concern is those children. Don't abandon them now, or put them in the middle. Be there for them, no matter what, as hard as it is, go see your children, even if you have to babysit. Those three kids are your life, no one else right now, not even her. Let her do her thing, no matter what it is, if she cheated, it won't work out and she will proabably be sorry, and regret it. But I would back off and l the call your children, and just deal with that right now. Nothing else should matter.
Trust me friend, your still to close to the problem to understand your solution, so focus on what's the most important things now, until the emotional dust settles, and reality becomes clear. I know its easier said than done, but its necessary.Quote:
Also, that may be fine and dandy to say it should be strictly about the kids, but I still have a lot of unanswered questions and emotions.
Stop pushing for what you want and back off the pressure and confusion.
You need positive action NOW, not answers you will only argue about, and not accept, nor understand. Your post proves that, but you can't see it.
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Originally Posted by talaniman
I can appreciate what you're saying. The best thing I can do is take some positive action; she may not come back, but it's still the best action I can take. In some ways, I can see myself in a better situation eventually (when I finish my Ph.D.), but I just hate splitting up my family. It's such a loss and tragedy, and she doesn't appear to have any sense of loss or regret; that's what hurts the most.
If you HATE, absolutely HATE, how your life is day in and day out--would you feel a sense of loss and regret when you walked away from it?
Listen to you! You're STILL talking about being in a better position as if everything in life should be measured against your education and your job! She wouldn't have had to work forever, huh? ONLY until you could buy a house and pay off credit cards. That's ONLY (for most people, anyway) five to ten years. And for what? Did she have the same goals as you do? Have you even ASKED her what the most important thing to HER would be?
Pay attention, as these are her feelings. Getting you family back is really the least of your concerns.Quote:
She explained that she is finally beginning to be happy again and doesn't feel like she's under constant stress from me and our situation
So far, it seems your education has been your priority over the loved ones in your life. That's why they are not there now.
Why should she regret leaving a bad situation?? Get a second job, and go back to school later.Quote:
It's such a loss and tragedy, and she doesn't appear to have any sense of loss or regret; that's what hurts the most.
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Originally Posted by talaniman
I didn't think the situation was that bad, but obviously someone else felt differently. I think she'll regret it because of the fact that her income is now going to be substantially lower, she'll have to rely on her mother and step-father for EVERYTHING, the demands of caring for three children, and the fact that her mother's household is anything but stable. Like I've said before, these people move every 3-6 months and have for 13 years (I've often wondered if they were running from something, it's downright unatural). Her schooling success will depend completely on their stability, and I'm not trying to be arrogant. This is the reality of the situation and the long-standing habit of those she is now relying on. At least if I'm there I can help care for the children and maybe we can even pull off a joint-custody arrangement. I don't want my children to live in poverty either, or have her be essentially forced to remarry for financial reasons. I have no problem helping her through school in that manner, and I really want to be near my children. After my doctorate though, it's likely I'd have to move but at least I'd be near them for several years. I'm not going to be cheated out of my children or have them call someone else "Daddy." I'd be extremely hostile to that.
Another thing; my education has been a priority but it was mostly for my family's welfare. I wanted them to have a decent standard of living and knew that education was the likely path to achieve that. That is also why I took this job instead of going on for my doctrate 1.5 years ago; it was THEIR turn and I put off my own aspirations & goals to accomplish this. That's part of why I'm so upset; I gave that up for her and our children and it's been a complete waste of time. However, if I live up there and focus on my doctorate while helping out the children it could also end with reconciliation but at least I'd have a Ph.D. to show for it. People do fall in love again, and I'm going to try and improve myself either way but I think reconciliation will be more likely if I'm close to them. Also, if you have a family and attend college your schooling HAS to be the priority or you won't make it. Especially when considering that I worked 30-40 hours a week in addition... it's just not likely to pan out unless you completely commit to education when you also have the demands of family & work. If anything, I've learned how to accomplish goals and stay committed.
You're still sounding like a martyr, that it's all about you, not her and your children.Quote:
Originally Posted by greatbignow
She can get grants and scholarships for school and work even a full-time job with her mother's and step-father's help. Maybe some financial insecurity and a little family chaos are worth it to her just to be on her own and able to make her own decisions.
I have to say that I feel like a martyr at this point, but I don't want to be one. That's just it though, I don't think her mother and step-father will stick it out for the long term, so at the least I can help with my children and be there for them. She can make her own decisions, though. I've enjoyed the freedom I've had for the past month, I just miss them as well.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
Greatbignow, you said about you going up there where she is. Is she comfortable about you moving there? Don't go there with the intentions of thinking things will work out with your wife, because if it doesn't happen, you won't be disappointed. We have all been through something in our lives and have been hurt. Myself being divorced, I know one thing for sure, I never put my kids ever in the middle of things, and never discussed anything in front of them that would hurt them. My main priority wasn't my ex-husband who I had been married for years too. My children were number one and that's what it should be. What you want and she wants right now are two different things. Whatever it is, you can't focus on what if, this is the way it is. I myself was very fortunate and my children grew up in two loving households for visitation. As a matter of fact, my ex husband and I are the best of friends. I was one of the lucky ones. But what I am trying to say, right now you might have to put your Ph.D on hold right now, and support the kids and be there for them. I know it's hard, and your devastated, but sometimes we all learn from our mistakes.
People don't just leave their families for no reason. You'll eventually find out why. It sucks that she just left without even trying to work things through. Why get married?
If she loves you, and you treat her well, and give her the intimacy she needs (emotionally, I mean), she will be able to open up. Counseling really helps, even if you go alone, or she goes alone.
Have you tried talking to her mom?
Just out of curiosity, why should he talk with her mom?Quote:
Originally Posted by LAMBCHOPS
In fact, I think talking to the mom would be a really bad idea; the poster's wife is already complaining about having him treat her like a child. She would not like it if he went "over her head" to her mother, I bet.
You are not empathetic, nor sympathetic, to the real needs of your family, so there gone. It's that simple.
Pay attention, she chose instability and poverty over you. And is happier? That's very profound.
Talking to her Mom? I don't believe you have read through any of the posts at all here. If you had, maybe you would have been able to give a helpful or insightful response. It seems to me as you are blindly placing blame.Quote:
Originally Posted by LAMBCHOPS
Well, she's happier FOR NOW but I suspect that as things wear thin up there, and the reality of being a single parent with a minimum-wage job settles in (and living at your mother's house when you're almost 40, with your three kids in tow!), that she eventually will NOT be happier up there. It's still too new; it's only been a month.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
On the subject of speaking with my mother-in-law.
I did, actually, when all this first occurred. I had a good relationship with my in-laws, so I could talk to her about it. She was floored and had no real idea why this was going on. She did tell me that she just didn't see it as being permanent and that if she were me she would not file for divorce or start another relationship... she also hugged me and told me that she loved me and that I was like a son to her (she was crying as well). So, yes I've spoken with my mother-in-law. She's going to support the children and take care of them, but doesn't want this either.
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