Ask Me Help Desk - Worried about new wife meeting guys

The others are right, and we know from reading this and other posts that you jumped in rather fast and have no time to trust or even know your wife very well, and haven't had time to even develop good communications.

That's where trust starts and builds over time with knowing a person well, and being secure in yourself. None of which you have.

Lose the GPS, or destroy the relationship which is already damaged by your actions. What if she is smart enough to know she is being tracked, and is leading you a merry chase??

Another thing to consider, is maybe she is afraid to trust you with the truth, because her actions are innocent, but because of HER past baggage, she is afraid of what you will say or do.

That's why knowing someone well, and communicating are important, so start with asking about her, so you can know her, and understand, and she can understand you, without that GPS BS stalking.

So your wife is under surveillance now? Is she a suspect in a murder case?

When I married my wife, we promised to be faithful, and trust each other. She is a flight attendant. She is away from home at least two nights a week. Usually in Europe. Most times I keep our two sons. Sometimes their grandparents get them overnight, and I am home alone. My wife trusts me completely, and I trust her with the same conditions, entirely. When she is late coming in from a trip, I don't wonder where she is, or if she is with someone else. I wonder if something bad has happened. Like car trouble.

That's the way trust works.

All or nothing at all.

jmjoseph agrees: I will kill you on the inside.

Sorry Torrid. That should say IT will kill you on the inside.

I swear I'm not some not job.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmjoseph

jmjoseph agrees: I will kill you on the inside.

Sorry Torrid. That should say IT will kill you on the inside.

I swear I'm not some not job.

It's OK, I get that line all the time.

Lol, kidding. It's fine, I knew what you meant. :)

Hi y'all
DoulaLC You are right past relationships are a major cause for these feelings, and yes I wonder sometimes why a beautiful lady like this would ne with a guy like me. Reflections of the Joe Jackson song ' Pretty women walking with gorillas down my street'.
My last relationship lied and cheated. Not suggested for a moment my wife is doing this.
Again you are right, my imagination does run away with me especially when I cannot make sense of a situation. There was no reason for her to be down this side street to her old apartment, none. If she had mentioned she picked up some mail from there or yes she had caught up with her friend, mayby OK. But mail and the apartment access is usually from the main street in front. Plus I would not feel comfortable with her visiting a single male friend at his apartment. Trust or no trust it is not appropriate. Thanks again

Quote:

Originally Posted by clickaus

Hi y'all
DoulaLC You are right past relationships are a major cause for these feelings, and yes I wonder sometimes why a beautiful lady like this would ne with a guy like me. Reflections of the Joe Jackson song ' Pretty women walking with gorillas down my street'.
My last relationship lied and cheated. Not suggested for a moment my wife is doing this.
Again you are right, my imagination does run away with me especially when I cannot make sense of a situation. There was no reason for her to be down this side street to her old apartment, none. If she had mentioned she picked up some mail from there or yes she had caught up with her friend, mayby OK. But mail and the apartment access is usually from the main street in front. Plus I would not feel comfortable with her visiting a single male friend at his apartment. Trust or no trust it is not appropriate. Thanks again

CHILL OUT... or you are going to lose this woman. I mean it.:rolleyes:

If it was her old apartment, it's not like the region is unfamiliar to her. Maybe she was reminiscing or felt attached to the area. There's no reason to get upset over that. You're not her dad. You're her husband. You're her equal. You have no right to keep tabs on her 24/7.

It was her old apartment where she, her daughter, the single male friend and his friend [male] shared. I was just upset that she chose to make up a story which led to wondering why, if all so innocent and above board, why take the risk of lying?

The male friend and his friend still live at that apartment

Quote:

Originally Posted by clickaus

The male friend and his friend still live at that apartment

That doesn't mean she is sleeping with them...

Hey she needs her friends don't keep her in a cage. If she really loves you and YOU TREAT HER RIGHT she won't be dating guys plus you just got married there is nothing to worry about you guys have a fresh start don't trap her she needs air you have female friends why can't she have male friends? Think about that. Okay?

I accept that friends are important, and as such I am quite honest and open about my friends. She has met most of my friends. The only friend she hasn't met are the friends I haven't seen in some while. So why does she feel the need to make up a story when a simple honest explanation would put the issue out of mind in 30 seconds. That is what puzzles me .

That's the ultimate hypocrisy, you wonder why she can't be honest, but you are not honest yourself.

Tell her that you have been tracking her, confront her with your proof of her lies, and divorce her.

That would be honest. Why continue this charade of a marriage?

I am honest about where I go and I only meet my friends when I am with her. I would not go to see any female friend alone, certainly not at their apartment.

You are probably the most insecure man I have ever known.

Why in the world do you do this to yourself?

More importantly, why do you put your wife through this?

I want you to listen and read the advice you have been given. If you don't she'll leave you.

IF my husband were to act as you have.. I would be gone in a New York Minute. No.. I take that back he would be gone with every last stitch of clothing he has.

Never, ever in all the years we have been married has he questioned me or accused me of infidelity.. nor have I questioned him.

We trust each other and he nor I have never given each other reason to be jealous. I got over that the first year we were married. I was jealous of him. I learned to trust and we have a wonderful marriage
.

You on the other hand have stooped to a level that is degrading to your wife and it makes you look like a stalker instead of a husband. Wake up or you'll find yourself old and alone..

Got it. Understand. I am an idiot. Those gremlins keep getting inside my head a getting the better of me. I needed your kick up the backside. I try to shield her from most of what I fear for fear she will think the worst of me, truly I don't what that to happen. I consider this my last chance in life to be happy in a loving relationship with a built-in family. And it is fear of losing this that drives me to distraction. The previous relationship promised me everything I wanted only to find she was lying and cheating, it hit me hard.. I was just looking for signs to ensure this wasn't the same. Consequently I have been over analyzing every ounce of every situation expecting to find the same traits and I have been an idiot, I know this. I will sign myself up for electric shock treatment immediately [joking]. I truly thank everyone for helping me put things into perspective and thank you for everyone's patience.

You talk so much of honesty, but you are not honest with yourself, because you just ain't ready for a relationship, because you haven't let go of the other one yet.

Hi all
I spent almost a whole day sitting in my car at local park thinking about all that has been said and all that I have thought about. DoulaLC hit the nail on the head for me and I have come to the conclusion that I am sometimes [alot] worry about my wife becoming interested in someone else or someone else becoming interested in my wife. That really is the crux behind all my fears and worries that make me feel the way I do.

I'm going to ask you some hard questions and if you don't want to answer them that's okay.

1.Why did your first wife leave you?

2. Were you insecure about her also?

3. Did she really cheat on you or do you just assume she did?

4. Have you ever been abusive to your first wife or your present wife and by abusive I mean physically hitting them. You do emotionally hurt your wife with all this mistrust and accusations and tracking her with a gps?

Okay, you are obsessively insecure, what are you going to do about it?

Hope I didn't scare him away.. I'm only trying to help...

I doubt it Kit, he just has some thinking to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I doubt it Kit, he just has some thinking to do.

Thanks Tal.. I'm trying really hard to watch and learn from the best... you and some of the others.:) I have learned from you and jm and homegirl and Cat.

Hi
I am still here, as Tal said, I had some thinking to do.
Answers to your questions.
My first wife left because so was devoted to her parents so much so that she neglected her family, well, me. Constantly with her parents leaving me to come home to an empty house.
Not so insecure about her, at that time I guess I wasn't cheated on so didn't have the hangups. Second last relationship lasted 6 years, she decided to return to Japan and her parents. I was a little insecure about her meeting guys, sure, only for fear of her becomiing interested in someone else. My last relationship hit me hard [some 11 years after first wife although I have have relationships between of varying degrees of success, as I thought as I though she was genuine and sincere until I found all she was telling were lies. Stories that didn't add up eventually catching her with another guy, via GPS, realising she was being with him, at home late at night but pretending to be with family, I later caught up with the guy to find he was being played too, in this case my suspicions were correct.
I am a mild mannered guy, a good guy with a kind heart, and as such I have been taken advantage off many times. With my present wife, everything happened so quickly, she is beautiful and I was using the GPS to ensure she was on the level. Never have been abusive with any lady in my life not in my nature.

Okay.. do you think you can put those relationships behind you? All women and men are not alike? Give this wife the benefit of the doubt.

Umm, you tracked her phone to see where she was? Does this not sound strange to anyone else?

Yes, it sounded strange to all of us. If you read the replies and posts you would have seen that pinkangelgirl.

Yes I did, and true, its not the right thing to do but I was protecting myself. No excuse and no other reason. Although this wife hasn't really done anything untoward, on three occasions she has told me different to where she was and not knowing for sure starts the worry. Last two days I have been fine. Let hope it continues.

I have put the past relationships behind me, but the torment is still in the back of my mind. And yes, she is lovely and seems to want and has the same values as I in terms of family and future.

I have been in this situation before, (your wife's situation) where my fiancé didn't trust me and was suspicious or constantly worrying that someone would take his place because other guys were interested in me. It has caused us untold problems and from the wife's point of view it does make you feel very bad to not be trusted and have constant pressure from someone who is desperately trying to hold on so tightly to someone who is already there and made their choice to be with you. The fights when I had done nothing wrong, and the isolation from not being free to go where I please eventually did wear me down and I did turn to an old friend and ended up cheating on my then fiancé. This is not my character at all but what someone else said on here was true, you will drive her to this behaviour and you don't want that so try to show her you trust her and give her the freedom she deserves. She will love you more for this.

And she has agreed that she will not go to her male friends apartment on her own in future. I said it wasn't a matter of trust it was matter of was is appropriate. I have a female friend of 12 years standing, she has a husband and child. Never once has she or I been in each other's apartment alone. I once asked whether she trusted me, she said it wasn't to do with trust it was to do with respect for her husband... I agree

Sorry I had missed the replies that mentioned trackng the phone, glad I wasn't the only one who thought that was weird

Thanks Pinkangelgirl. How do I show I trust her without creating the hurt for me?

Get that counseling you told us forever that you were going to get but have not got yet. That is what you need to do.

I have an appointment tomorrow at 3.30pm, locked in.

Good for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by clickaus

I have an appointment tomorrow at 3.30pm, locked in.

I am so glad you are getting help... The past relationships tell me you have trust issues with women.. I hope you learn to put this behind you and more then that I hope your wife is allowed to be a wife who can have her own friends male or female. She is not a possession.

She has given you no reason not to mistrust her. Lots of women have male friends and that sure doesn't mean there's a sexual relationship going on. A GPS is just totally way out there. Please get help.

Just a comment for pinkangelgirl... you cheated because there was opportunity to do so, not necessarily because your fiancé pushed you there.

In my experience men will gladly be a friend to a woman, married or single, a life long friend even, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will/might/could happen. Just looking for that opportunity. Its human nature.

Quote:

Originally Posted by clickaus

In my experience men will gladly be a friend to a woman, married or single, a life long friend even, in the hope that somewhere down the track something will/might/could happen. Just looking for that opportunity. Its human nature.

Not True, and completely false.

I have many many women friends. My wife knows it. I just do have women friends but that does not mean that I am hoping for anything down the road. That is just complete bull sh-t.

That would be the other way around too. My wife having male friends. Does not matter, because it does not mean that she has that hope for something down the road.

Your twisting things completely backwards and side ways just to ease your conscience about spying on your wife.

Clickaus, I think like the others have said, that counceling is a must to learn how to deal with this and change. I know that my husband still struggles with this issue but has managed to let go a lot. I agree with you that some things are inappropriate, but please try not to have double standards, like you justifying having female friends, while she can't have male friends because that will create problems. Good luck with the counceling, it's the best thing you could do for the both of you:)

Just to add to your question, ways on which my husband showed he trusted me, was by dropping the stalkerish behaviour. Like not checking up on me all the time and allowing me to talk to a male or even just mention a male without him making comments or getting angry. Over time I felt more trusted and as a result I talked to him more about things. You see when you react badly or she feels you don't trust her she will try to hide things, even if she doesn't need to, simply to save the hassle or avoid tension. Try to just enjoy the time you spend together and not worry so much (I know easier said than done) but she will enjoy being with you more and you will feel less stressed:)

Clickaus I do take responsibility for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what I did, I'm just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could easily steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing and eventually she will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by pinkangelgirl

Clickaus i do take responsiblity for my actions. I don't blame my husband for what i did, im just pointing out that treating your wife in this way could easily steer her in the wrong direction because of the way it makes her feel. Your expecting her to do the wrong thing and eventually she will.

I have to agree with "pinkangelgirl." Another thing in my opinion, some men can be so obsessive and controlling it makes a woman feel like she's a possession. I honestly believe there are men who can drive a woman right into the arms of another man. It isn't right but it happens.

From your perspective you think there are men just waiting to pounce on your wife. That may be true , but if she loves you she isn't going to do that unless you keep up this behavior. I couldn't stand being questioned about where I go or who I talk to.. that is the most degrading thing I can think of for a husband to put his wife through.

Frankly, the GPS would have been the last straw , but apparently she chooses to stay and I don't know why. Without trust you have no marriage and if you do not see this and really work on it with this counselor... you are going to be the loser. Think about it.

My apologies I have not read all the posts, I will later am very busy presently. However I am curious, how long has she been in the US? Cultural differences may come into play here.

Stringer