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Originally Posted by Angrychair

Yeah I tend to agree I just can't seem to find the courage to do what needs to be done, what the hell is my problem. I feel like a huge part of my life is dead if I do this. She said we could file without a lawyer and just go in front of a judge but I think at least I need to get one involved to protect my best interest. She said we can be civil and agree on what to do with the kids which is a huge step from where we were a month ago.

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I'm so sorry that you have to go through this pain. Notice I said "through" this pain. You will come out the other side. Now, she does not want you to get a lawyer because she is depending on your good nature to make it easy on her. She on the other hand has shown herself to not be very trust worthy. Get yourself a lawyer asap. How old are your kids? Boys or girls? Do you feel equipped to take the major responsibility of raising them? I was 10 when my parents got divorced. My 2 sisters and I were terrified that my dad would get custody. My mother had the affair and later married this man. But, I knew that MY dad did not have a clue how to raise us. What we needed. What to teach us. But, that was just my dad.

I have a son 13 and a daughter 6 and step 28 but she is married with 3 kids of her own. I am well equipped to take care of my children and consider the opportunity a honor. Nothing means more to me than my children. Neither of my children want to go with her but the way my state laws are written its almost certain that she will get my daughter and that I can't bare the thought of. My older daughter has told me of the life she had growing up and hell will freeze over before I let my youngest go through that.

She doesn't want you to get a lawyer because she is getting one first. Go to divorce thread and ask how many people heard "don't get a lawyer, we will file together." Heck, my ex-husband said that. It just means she doesn't have the retainer yet.

I know she isn't working so a lawyer for her isn't possible except maybe legal aide. I have been playing it cool and trying to help her with incidentals to try and keep the peace but I can't finance her forever.

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

I know she isnt working so a lawyer for her isnt possible except maybe legal aide. I have been playing it cool and trying to help her with incidentals to try and keep the peace but I can't finance her forever.

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Do you have joint checking and savings? You might want to open your own acct. and transfer money to it. She could go in and take large sums of cash.

Step away from the computer, and TALK with some legal counsel, and get a plan going.

Why should she need a lawyer, when she can disrespect you, and make you go along with her program, without one??

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

I have a son 13 and a daughter 6 and step 28 but she is married with 3 kids of her own. I am well equipped to take care of my children and consider the opportunity a honor. Nothing means more to me than my children. Neither of my children want to go with her but the way my state laws are written its almost certain that she will get my daughter and that I can't bare the thought of. My older daughter has told me of the life she had growing up and hell will freeze over before I let my youngest go through that.

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I believe that your kids would be in good hands with you. Why would your daughter stand a bigger chance of going with that crazy woman than your son? Just because she is a girl? Even the grown daughter would probably testify against her if it came to that. I believed it 40 years ago and I believe it now, that I feel the court should ask the KIDS who they want to live with. I think that should carry a lot of weight. I know in my case, I prayed that my wants and needs meant something.

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

I know she isnt working so a lawyer for her isnt possible except maybe legal aide. I have been playing it cool and trying to help her with incidentals to try and keep the peace but I can't finance her forever.

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If I recall your situation correctly, doesn't that mean that you are helping to support the other man??

That is to keep the peace?

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Originally Posted by cozyk

I believe that your kids would be in good hands with you. Why would your daughter stand a bigger chance of going with that crazy woman than your son? Just because she is a girl? Even the grown daughter would probably testify against her if it came to that. I believed it 40 years ago and I believe it now, that I feel the court should ask the KIDS who they want to live with. I think that should carry a lot of weight. I know in my case, I prayed that my wants and needs meant something.

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Unless the mother was proven unfit... and having an affair does not constitute being unfit... as a spouse, yes, but not as a parent, he is correct... odds are good his daughter would remain with her mother. The 13 year old may be asked for his input, depending on where they live, but it won't usually carry a great deal of weight on its own merit. In some situations it would be nice for the kids to have more say so, but young children should not be asked to choose between their parents, and that could be difficult for an older child as well. It would not be unlikely that a child would tend to side with the more lenient parent, not necessarily who would provide a more stable environment.

Having an affair, and not knowing what she wants in her relationships, does not make the mother crazy. Disrespectful... sure, unfaithful... no question, but not crazy. The OP does sound like a loving and caring father... but so too may be the mother to her children, and obviously we only hear one side of the story.

Retaining a lawyer is of the utmost importance... doing so before the wife may also result in some benefit. If there are documented incidences of instability or less than sound judgement on the mother's part in the past, that will be presented. If there isn't, it then becomes a case of "he said" "she said", which is all too common in divorce proceedings.

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

Here is the latest example of having your cake and eating it too. She wants a divorce now but she wants to stay at our house she wants to keep my name and she wants to be a couple but shes tired of being married

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She wants seems to be the prevalent theme in this marriage.
The bottom line is in life,No one always gets what they want ,especially at the expense of others.
As has been stated,she is the one leaving the marriage and she should be the one who has to suffer the repercussions of her choice and her total lack of moral character.

Your behavior has been above reproach and I think if you were to fight this in court she would be looked upon very badly,and clearly not someone who is deserving of anything!

I say its time to put on your boxing gloves and begin to fight for your rights!

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

I have a son 13 and a daughter 6 and step 28 but she is married with 3 kids of her own. I am well equipped to take care of my children and consider the opportunity a honor. Nothing means more to me than my children. Neither of my children want to go with her but the way my state laws are written its almost certain that she will get my daughter and that I can't bare the thought of. My older daughter has told me of the life she had growing up and hell will freeze over before I let my youngest go through that.

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If your step daughter is willing to put her statement in writing ,it may very well have an impact on the outcome of custody.
In the past,custody was almost certain to go to the mother but things have changed dramatically.
The court will look at who can best provide.
She is not working.
Who has been providing and in some cases trying to keep the children in a lifestyle and environment they are accustomed to.
There is also the issue that she left her children on numerous occasions to be with the BF.

His past should be looked into as well.What type of influence will he be in the children's life?
What is his history?
As has been said,getting a lawyer is long overdue.Be proactive, as clearly.she will stop at nothing to get her way.Stop her before she takes anything more from you!

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

Unless the mother was proven unfit... and having an affair does not constitute being unfit... as a spouse, yes, but not as a parent, he is correct... odds are good his daughter would remain with her mother. The 13 year old may be asked for his input, depending on where they live, but it won't usually carry a great deal of weight on its own merit.

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I've been there, done that. I was 10, my sisters were 12 and 8. We KNEW who would be the more capable parent. Maybe all kids don't but there were no doubts in our mind that we should go with our mother. It made me furious that no one ask ME what I wanted. Children don't have a voice. I think that is so wrong. You better believe I use my voice now.

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In some situations it would be nice for the kids to have more say so, but young children should not be asked to choose between their parents, and that could be difficult for an older child as well. It would not be unlikely that a child would tend to side with the more lenient parent, not necessarily who would provide a more stable environment.

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This is always a possibility. My point is, what will it hurt to hear them out. You can tell when a child is earnest and when they are b.s.ing.

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Having an affair, and not knowing what she wants in her relationships, does not make the mother crazy. Disrespectful... sure, unfaithful... no question, but not crazy. The OP does sound like a loving and caring father... but so too may be the mother to her children, and obviously we only hear one side of the story.

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I beg to differ. Having the affair is not what makes her crazy. What makes her crazy is that she thinks she can continue the affair AND still be married to him and reap the benefits that her marriage brings to her. She is crazy because she is in the wrong YET, she still wants to call the shots.

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Retaining a lawyer is of the utmost importance... doing so before the wife may also result in some benefit. If there are documented incidences of instability or less than sound judgement on the mother's part in the past, that will be presented. If there isn't, it then becomes a case of "he said" "she said", which is all too common in divorce proceedings.

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The grown daughter may or may not have documented proof. But, she has stated that living with her mother was not a good situation.

AngryChair, I'm going to be totally honest with you here.

I think there is something more going on here for you not to move to protect yourself and your children legally.

This whole situation is starting to feel very werid to me.

There is no reason on this earth why you would put up with the behaviour of your wife, unless she has something hanging over your head.

Am I wrong? Or is there something you are waiting for before you finally make concrete steps to end the marriage.

No Jake she has nothing on me. After all of the horrid stuff that has been done and all the pain has been dealt, I guess in a nutshell I don't want to let her go I know it needs to be done but I just can't come to grips with the fact that's things are what they are and the won't change ever. I still consider myself married and I have tried every conceivable way to get my marriage back. I know that its over I know I need to begin to heal and that it won't happen till she is gone. I have sought legal council and he has given me the divorce scenario and what I can expect which is basically a 50/50 split of everything. I have secured my finances so as to shield myself and my kids. Her bags have been packed for a week and sitting in our/her room just waiting to be loaded. The only thing that remains is to actually ask her to leave which I just can't seem to do. I still care about her and I don't want her to be on the street. She will not move in with him or so she says. I have told her that if she is in love with him and is always there why not just take the next step and live with him. Honestly she is getting no aide from me so what is he advantage for staying?

My friends I have not ignored you and I have sought legal council. My situation is a weird one I agree but trust me your advice has been the topic of many of mine and her conversations and I have brought up many of your very valid points. I don't expect you to agree with how Ive handled this mess I just want to vent and cry at times. Please don't judge me just listen like the friends I know you are.

Just know that you and your kids, even your wife are in my thoughts and prayers. It is a rough road ahead on everyone and I pray for the easiest, smoothest transition as possible. My mom cheated on my dad , but I NEVER heard him speak badly about her. He sure could have. That left me feeling a great deal of respect for him. He even admitted that maybe he did not contribute what he should have to her. That may not be the case for you, but you seem like a very good man AND your children will recognize this. If not now, certainly in hind site. And what is more valuable than our children admiring and respecting us? I see good things in your future because good begets good.
Take care.

AngryChair,

Nobody here that cares enough to post is judging you. Many of us have been in situations with cheating spouses, or we have a friend/relative etc. who has gone through something similar.

What you don't seem to understand here, or at least enough to get you moving, is that your happiness, and your children's happiness, and their future, depend upon you making decisions. They see her come and go, they see her bags packed but not gone. They see the moods, the upset, depression. They feel the lonliness, despair, and abandonment from their mother.

They, like many children, have hope. They do not accept it is over until they are not only told, but shown. Until that happens, you are really only prolonging this state of confusion for them.

It would be easier on them to see that it is over, and learn to cope and adjust and go on, than it is to remain silent, but desperate to have their lives back to the way they were. Which of course, cannot happen. Kids just can't put all your and your wife's emotional baggage into a perspective that allows them to understand any of this. It is harmful, to them.

We all know you love your children, no doubt about that. We also know you love your wife, no doubt about that either. But, love will not mend this marriage, the marriage was over a long time ago, and both of you know it. Many have loved, but learned they cannot sustain a marriage on hope and promise. Love is just simply not enough.

In my opinion, I would take your wife's belongings, put them in your car, drive them over to the boyfriends house, and leave them on the front porch.

I would then instruct your lawyer to contact her through her last known address, which is her boyfriends house. (afterall she's there six days a week right?).

Have him register a letter stating that any and all future contact will be done through the lawyer. Period. That includes visitation with the children. File for temporary custody until the issues of custody and visitation can be addressed in court. Protect your children.

Document any activity, i.e. phone calls, letters etc. Do not respond to any of them, give them to your lawyer.

Go and buy yourself a case of beer or a nice bottle of wine, change the locks of the door, put the kids off to bed, sit in a comfortable place, and think about enjoying your future, which is going to be the total opposite to what your past has been, and will only continue to get better.

You really can do this AngryChair.

I know it is to soon right now but I have a friend that seems to have taken an interest in me all of a sudden. Would it be inappropriate to talk to her about this situation and have a human shoulder to cry on or just let things go until this situation with my soon to ex is over

I personally think your emotions are all over the place, dating isn't the option, but if you feel comfortable finding someone to talk to, that is nice, but you have to file for divorce FIRST.

Two wrongs, won't make this right. Don't stoop to that level.

While it may feel good to have some face to face talking going on, it should, for now, be reserved for your counsellor.

A relationship that ends takes time to recover from. To become dependent upon others emotionally, before you learn how to have strength on your own, is not a good idea. I think someone at a professional 'distance', at least for the time being, is a safer course of action for you right now.

Besides which, there is a lot of work to be done first. As someone said (I wish I could remember who, it was very wise I thought), you'll have plenty of time to cry after you get your life in order first.

It's not her decision, it's yours. She clearly is keeping this man in her life despite the fact that it's a gross violation of her marriage vows, and is terribly hurtful and disrespectful to you. Your decision is whether you want to have a wife who has another relationship that you abhor, or if that is unacceptable to you.

If it's unacceptable, go see an attorney to find out how to get primary custody of your daughter if you feel that is best. If the man is under 20 something - as in, not a legal adult - well, it would certainly help your custody case.

You may be wanting to avoid her being embarrassed, or dividing your child's home, or going through the decisions of who gets the crock-pot and who gets the fishing poles, but you know, you just have to do those things because she's made her decision, and you don't sound like a guy who can be healthy living with that situation.

A lot of people hate divorce, dread divorce, consider the time they were getting divorced to be the worst thing they've ever dealt with. But not one of the divorced people I know regrets getting divorced today. They view it as Christening of a new life, by fire. A new chance to build something better.

Even if your wife wants to stay married, I would recommend a separation so that you can havce some time and space to think about this without her constant presence. Even if it were to stop, would you ever trust her again? It's important to know that.

Take care... it's really terribly painful but it does get better.

Hi angrychair,
I fell for you. However, it is a very good sign for you actually. You are about to be bailed out from the unfaithful wife. Why would you want one? You will move on, meet a better lady and start over a better life.

Next time, pay close attention to your partner it can happen again to you. I can tell you that your wife will not have a good life with the young man as she thinks. Being a sugar mom to an immature man will not be an easy job. It is her loss not yours.

My problem has been that I had an undying love and no matter what she did I could look past it because I thought she would realize what she was giving up. Then some very smart people told me that I was being played and you know what they were right. She was playing both ends against the middle. I am not so weak anymore I have gained some self-respect and I now know that I am stronger than I thought , and every day gets a bit easier and in some way I owe her a debt of gratitude for making me a stronger man. It still hurts knowing what she is doing but in the long run she will understand that a love like mine is hard to come by. She will miss her old boring life and the routine. I will survive my friends that you can bet on.

Good for you, come back to this post often... other then owing her anything for your circumstance your post is extremely accurate for a step forward.

You can't look past being a doormat especially for someone who isn't making the effort. Marriage isn't a one-sided commitment. It requires both parties to work and grow and share in that commitment. You are trying to overcompensate for her lack of involvement in your marriage, but that isn't going to save the marriage.

Keep working on you, but start the legal process to protect both you and your children. We are always stronger then we think we are, challenges are what can show us our strength.

Every day will continue to get easier. With every contact with your wife, taking you back from your forward progress... get yourself out of the contact. Do it for you, do it for your child(ren).

You have great qualities to offer someone. Work on yourself and then offer them to someone who deserves a man like you because she does not.

Make that A guy like you, not I guy like you. The fingers were flying.

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

My problem has been that I had an undying love and no matter what she did I could look past it because I thought she would realize what she was giving up. Then some very smart people told me that I was being played and you know what they were right. She was playing both ends against the middle. I am not so weak anymore I have gained some self-respect and I now know that I am stronger than I thought , and every day gets a bit easier and in some way I owe her a debt of gratitude for making me a stronger man. It still hurts knowing what she is doing but in the long run she will understand that a love like mine is hard to come by. She will miss her old boring life and the routine. I will survive my friends that you can bet on.

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You do often become stronger and wiser for having had gone through some difficult times. Getting through that journey is half the battle... expect some highs and lows along the way, but you will see that it does get easier with time.

I don't want to be a party pooper here, but while I applaud you for feeling stronger (although I don't think you owe HER a debt of gratitude for that as you said), you are still pinning your hopes (I think) on her coming to her senses, and realizing what she has lost, and somehow all of this is going to work out between the two of you.

I do not sense that you have emotionally broken ties with her, and I haven't heard you say that you have taken the necessary steps to secure your home, finances, custody issues either. What happened to the counselling, and when is the last time you talked to your lawyer. Does she still have access to the bank accounts? Does she still visit once a week and stay over?

Do the children see her bags still packed in the same place? Have you talked to them about what is going on, and what is going to happen i.e. divorce? Have you alleviated any of their fears?

I am happy that you are getting the emotional support from your friends, and from us here, to realize that you are doing the right thing in letting her go, and getting on with the business of making it legally happen.

What I haven't heard, is that you are actually doing anything to put an end to the relationship.

Am I wrong? What do you need to do that you haven't already done for not only your sake, but for your children's sake as well.

If you are going to wait for her to finally come home, then just say it. If your immediate goals are not to secure your future without her, and your children's future, then I hope you get them into counselling too. This has to be a terrible emotional upset for them not knowing which end is up.

Love makes us do crazy things that don't make much sense. I'm having a hard time understanding what direction you are going here.

Maybe you just need more time. But for the sake of your kids, I hope you get moving soon.

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

My problem has been that I had an undying love and no matter what she did I could look past it because I thought she would realize what she was giving up. Then some very smart people told me that I was being played and you know what they were right. She was playing both ends against the middle. I am not so weak anymore I have gained some self-respect and I now know that I am stronger than I thought , and every day gets a bit easier and in some way I owe her a debt of gratitude for making me a stronger man. It still hurts knowing what she is doing but in the long run she will understand that a love like mine is hard to come by. She will miss her old boring life and the routine. I will survive my friends that you can bet on.

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Good for you! That is the kind of survivor attitude that will get you through this mess she has created!
You have officially gone from victim to survivor and you should treat yourself to something wonderful! You have earned it.
We have all become very invested in you and are so pleased that a positive outcome is finally coming to pass.
Do not be a stranger!
I also think you would make a great expert here ,given the fact that you have been through so much and have come out of it with your decency and self respect in tact. That is quite an achievement.

We have agreed that she can see the kids as often as she wants but they reside with me and agreed on property division. My lawyer has advised against a do it yourself approach but due to financial constrictions I may have to go in that direction. My bank account has been closed to her from day one of this ordeal so that isn't a issue anymore. As far as emotional ties yes its true I still have tremendous feelings for her but after 14 years how could I not. I see now that she won't come back and the truth be known I couldn't trust her if she wanted to. Complete separation isn't possible at this point but like I said each day get a bit easier.

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

We have agreed that she can see the kids as often as she wants but they reside with me and agreed on property division. My lawyer has advised against a do it yourself approach but due to financial constrictions I may have to go in that direction. My bank account has been closed to her from day one of this ordeal so that isnt a issue anymore. As far as emotional ties yes its true I still have tremendous feelings for her but after 14 years how could I not. I see now that she wont come back and the truth be known I couldnt trust her if she wanted to. Complete separation isnt possible at this point but like I said each day get a bit easier.

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Good that you have taken measures to protect yourself.
I think we all agree that putting 14 yrs. Behind you and moving forward is not an easy task.
There will be days when it is still going to hurt but I know, from experience,they will become less and less as time passes.
If you ever studied the stages of grief after a death,there are so many similarities to the stages of grief for a divorce.
Keep working on you and healing and I have every confidence a year from not this will be nothing more than a painful memory.

Ok Angrychair, I am breathing a sigh of relief here, and I'm really, really impressed that you have taken concrete steps.

As you said, there is more work to be done, just don't lose sight of your goals.

Ok, you deserve a beer, and a fire in the firepit; put your feet up, you've deserved some R&R this weekend.

I'm proud of you.

Not promising I won't nag you next week, but for now, that's awesome news! :D

Since this whole ordeal began I have learned to ride a motorcyle and bought myself a nice bike as you can see somewhat in my just added picture. I think I may just go on a poker run this weekend

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

Since this whole ordeal began I have learned to ride a motorcyle and bought myself a nice bike as you can see somewhat in my just added picture. I think I may just go on a poker run this weekend

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That is you! I was wondering.
Oh boy,you look mighty fine on that bike.
Watch out for the women now ,many of us have a secret passion for bikers ;)

Yep its me long hair, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and all, Im searching for my inner bad boy

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

Yep its me long hair, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and all, Im searching for my inner bad boy

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You go rock it dude :)

So what kind of bike did you get... :)

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

Yep its me long hair, sleeveless shirt, sunglasses and all, Im searching for my inner bad boy

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Could we get a close up?;)

I bought a 1996 Yamaha Virago and yes I will post a close up. Of me or the bike? Lol

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Originally Posted by Angrychair

I bought a 1996 Yamaha Virago and yes I will post a close up. Of me or the bike? lol

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See, you already have girls flirting with you. :rolleyes:

Im blushing lol