Ask Me Help Desk - Porn in my marriage

Sorryhusband,

Unfortunately a person can be sorry for their actions and still not reasonably expect others to forgive them or to bend to their wants.

You left your marriage a long time back, based on the expectations of the woman you exchanged vows with. You drew "first blood". And then lied.

Being sorry you were caught isn't enough. Being sorry you lost your wife isn't enough. And simply being sorry for all the right reasons isn't necessarily enough.

She left you long after you left her. Sometimes we learn by getting kicked in the teeth a few times... I think you've both learned, but have different answers for what is next.

We feel so sorry for ourselves, and can't understand why people have had enough.

My husband and I have been married for almost 3 years. For 2 1/2 years I've had a problem with his looking at porn.
He always looks at teen porn and we have a 21 month old daughter . I wish I could tall you something that would help you, but unfortunately my marriage is and my life is in shambles. I only post this to let you know you are not alone. I wish you the best of luck and will pray for you. Love in christ, rissa

I just got out of a five year relationship that ended for many reasons, one being my ex’s sex addiction. I really think you need to look this up and learn more about it, you may be dealing with a bigger problem then you think. Some people watch porn now and then, that’s gross but not that big of an issue. When your partner’s porn habits are affecting his relationship with you, then it’s a huge problem and may be a sex addiction issue. Men with these kinds of issues have to really want to change and get help or the problem will only get worse over time, believe me. It really makes a woman feel disgusting and horrible to find that not only are you not satisfied in your sex life, but your partner is off looking at some degrading disgusting image and enjoying himself with out you. This is not something you want to struggle with for the rest of your life. You need to read about sex and porn addiction, believe me it will make sense when you read it. You need to have a serious talk with him about your sex life and the changes that need to be made and see if he is willing to work on it, even if he tries to deny looking at porn having sex only every other month is not normal and there is definitely a problem their. You deserve to be with some one that wants you with out having to be told to want you, please look up sex addiction and read about it, it will help you.

thesorryhusband,
I don't understand why everyone jumps to the whole he must be a sex addict thing every time a guy likes to watch porn! Does Masturbation with out porn make you a sex addict? My suggestion is to find someone who shares the same interests as you! If you see this as a problem get help, if not, next time you are on your first date it might not be a bad idea to ask if she watches porn.

OHHH the porn issue been there, my husband had videos and left them in the family room vcr and my son who was about 3 at the time turned on the TV to watch barney but instead he got porn, needless to say I went ballistic. The next incident I happened to be driving his car and went to the grocery store and found tapes sticking out of his tool bag I brought them in the house and smashed them with a hammer in his face. Most recently I found 2 DVD's in his portfolio and I went at them again. Now he is talking to other women on his cellphone. I hate to be a pessamist but things don't get better at least not for me. He is the biggest liar I know. Right now I can't stand to look at him.

we have members here, male and female, who use porn as a healthy enhancement to their life together in the bedroom. Its shared and appreciated by both.

the issue within a marriage... not within society or within ones religious beliefs or other social groups... is when does an action adversely affect that relationship? When does ones action begin to violate the promises made to the other? Obviously, within a marriage, that is open to the interpretation of two different people.

his watching porn doesn't mean he is an addict. His hiding porn doesn't either, no more than hiding the playboy under the mattress as a teen made me an addict. Not all who drink are alcoholics. Not all who watch porn are scum of the earth jerks who neglect their wives.

but when it DOES begin to affect the bedroom, and then the relationship overall... when it starts to rip apart a marriage... even then, it doesn't mean he's addicted... it means he values porn over his marriage. He disregards her needs for his... and sometimes that's fine. My partner doesn't need to agree with everything I do or like, and she doesn't need my green light before doing things she likes. But obviously there are boundaries in certain areas.. you pick your fights and decide what is most important to you.

what's the "better" scenario? His being an "addict" or just a guy who doesn't give a damn?

from the woman's point, its probably all just semantics.

understand I don't care all that much whether he watches it or whether he won't see a movie rated R. all I care about is whatever he does, is it legal and does it strengthen or weaken the marriage? If it weakens it, how much? How important is it?

in some of these cases, its clearly about trust issues and a lack of attention, intimacy, and honoring vows.

Woman in general with themselves and in sex when you know your husband watches porn. I know exactly how you feel because my wife used to be the same way. When she was pregnant I watched porn and she was very insecure but I made her secure about it by talking to her telling her I love her and that its JUST a movie when its over I will lay down next to her and be with her. Maybe it different because we are young I am 19 and she is 20. Talking to her about it made her feel very secure and now we watch it together kind of crazy I know but we watch it only when we want to do something new. If I see something I like I tell her and same with her. We watched it together 3 times in the last year its not like I love it or an addiction.

Like I said it is JUST a movie.
Forgive him... but its his responsibility to make you feel secure and comfortable about it.
ITS NOT LIKE HE IS CHEATING... Forgive him and talk to him

Quote:

Originally Posted by threetimesout

i was on this site back in sept 2007 when i discovered my husband had lied about where he was. we went to couselling once and she said she couldn't help us because at the time i was very upset. To this day i still don't know why he lied.

We had only got married in november 2005 so i tried again to give our marraige a chance. this past weekend my mom was down visiting and she was on our computer and i noticed the browser history had a few disgusting little porn sites. i didn't realize he was doing this. now it makes sense the totally lack of sex in our relationship...a big past concern...i feel like a failure because we haven't even been married for three years. However if i let this continue his lies will only lead to bigger things i sure.

he didn't obviously learn anything back in sept when i was ready to divorce him for lying to me then. i was able to retreive some of the history on the computer as he said he only did it that one time and he blamed a friend from work. i saw many different days like on the weekends when he isn't tired and i go to bed alone like usual. we have sex maybe once every two months.

It was teenage porn websites. i am truly disgusted and i beleive that explains the no sex in our marraige.

do i even at this point try to salvage this marraige?

Sounds like me... after finding out that he was on porn websites and confronted him... said he was wrong.. wouldn't do it anymore... by the way... we don't have sex much at all... which sucks. But, he's still going on sites only now he knows how to clear it off the computer so I can't see what he's up to...
I don't know what to do either... been married for 20 years... am I just F.. or what.