I'm kind of hesitant about posting this, but I'm going to do it anyway. I know that the community here is capable of unbelievable support for anyone that needs it. This is as true for people who are looking for a better way to fry chicken as it is for people who are trying to hold their lives together.
I feel like this poor woman has been reaching out, unsure of how to ask the right questions, and very sure that the foundation her life is based on may very well be crumbling beneath her feet.
I do think that she is grasping at straws, that she is considering every single possibility that could answer why her marriage seems to be falling apart. We can only imagine what it would be like in her shoes, experiencing the frustration of her situation. Her husband is doing some very sketchy things. He locks his car, his phone and his computer - he locks her out of them. The only person who could possibly do these things would be someone with a lot to hide. He withholds all physical affection. He wouldn't even kiss her until they were married. She finds items that she believes to be drug paraphernalia in her home. When she said lightbulbs, I don't think she meant regular old unmanipulated bulbs. She's concerned that he is not attracted to her. She's concerned that he might be a narcissist. It may be harder for us to put the whole story together when it is spread into different threads, but she's looking for answers wherever she can get them, and I don't blame her for that.
I have gone through her posts, and I am shocked at how many times people have gone after her. She didn't talk about "henpecking" her husband (which, by the way, I find is a rather misogynistic term). She didn't talk about nagging him to death. She said that she asked if he is gay. If I were in her shoes, I probably would have done the same thing. She didn't say how she asked it, but a lot of posters assumed that she was doing it in the worst way she could. What would be a good way to ask your husband if he's gay? And if you really thought that might be the root of the problem, how couldn't you ask him?
We know that he calls himself a devout baptist. Whether he practices what he preaches, we don't know, but if he IS gay and he believes that being gay is a soul-condemning sin, it would not be unusual for him to act out by pulling away from his wife both emotionally and physically, by doing drugs, by experimenting with men in relationships (or even with prostitutes)... this list could go on forever.
If he is not gay, I would still be suspicious of him cheating. When a relationship is honest, both parties are open books. He does not sound like an open book to me. It looks to me like he's put a lock on his cover. If he is cheating, it could be with someone he actually loves, or it could be with different people with whom he has no emotional attachment. It's possible that he has repressed sexual attitudes that actually cause him to act out sexually.
Regarding the question about signs that a man has been having a sexual affair, I think she means the male equivalent of lipstick marks on his shirt collar, smelling it on him, showering as soon as he gets home, used condom wrappers... that kind of thing, not how he runs or says "fabulous."
It's true that we don't know all the details of the OP's life, but I think we have more than enough to go on to say that this story is bad news. Alten was absolutely right in suggesting counseling. If he isn't willing to go, or if he doesn't take some serious steps to meet his wife halfway, I can't see things working themselves out on their own.
The suggestion of hiring a private investigator is a brilliant idea. You will have your answers much more quickly that way, and you will be able to move on with your life, whatever the outcome.
mta, I hope you do come back. I hope you feel like you do have people to turn to. Synnen's suggestion of writing everything out in a new and complete post is excellent. I bet it would also help you to put all of your concerns in one place. It might make things a lot clearer for you, and it might even be therapeutic. I also hope that no one is going to attack her again when she's asking for this kind of help, no matter how she does it.
