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Dear friend, Pornography is morally, spiritually and physically wrong. As a responsible partner and a caring wife, you must show your true love by striving from today to bring him back from his porn addiction.
I stress again porn is evil and all evil ends in hell.
Talk to him with love and care and bring him back from the poisonous trap of porns.
You should get counseling. No amount of people on the internet can convince your husband what he is doing is wrong. Seek professional help. If he refuses to talk and discuss it with you he might be more compelled to speak with a professional. Don't wait any longer. If your marriage is in jeopardy fight for it and take immediate action.
This is not porn he is looking for he is looking for someone else to screw porn sights are different you look he is looking for sex confront him or you are surely going to lose him
To SYNNEN:
With great regret, I have to say how wrong your position sounds to me. You defend porn and the idea of accepting porn as something that doesn't harm if used 'in moderation' - how sad and still laughable. You also say it spices up your personal life.
I can only feel sympathy for you. You a/o your partner must have a very poor imagination and erotic natural input, since you need porn and other toys or tools to revive your sexual drive... Let alone the fact that porn is a cuckoo land populated with sickly pumped penises and overused vaginas. What's sad about people like you who embrace porn as a way of waking up their erotic senses is that they/ you don't realise how pathetic this is. How FAKE, FAKE, FAKE.
Guess what?Quote:
Originally Posted by Cocolino
My husband and I get ideas for our sex life from EVERYWHERE. Heck, you don't even NEED porn these days--just turn on "Desperate Housewives"! Porn has less of an impact on our sex lives than erotica, general fiction, PG-13 movies (that kiss in "Spiderman" was mmm mmm good), and the park across the street from my house. We both have pretty good imaginations, too, so some of it is just thinking about things and wondering how THAT would feel.
I defend porn because porn in and of itself is not harmful. What is harmful are the people that take it seriously, that believe that porn is what a real connection and real sex is like, the people who do not communicate with their partners when they see something they like.
People like you are the same people that lobbied against alcohol use during prohibition. Because THEY could not see a use for alcohol, and the harmful effects could be so easily pointed out, they got it banned for EVERYONE.
I feel sorry for YOU, that your mind is so closed to something that DOES benefit some couples--the couples that don't believe it's real to begin with, and so are able to watch it like they do any OTHER movie--with suspension of disbelief. I mean really--you don't think porn is REAL, do you? And I hate to tell you this, but pro-wrestling isn't real either. Even those reality shows on TV aren't real. I know, I know--shocking! I feel sorry for you that you've accepted porn as an actual representation of what goes on in the bedroom--which is the same thing that addicts do. You're not a porn addict are you? There are counselors out there that can help with that!
I can, in some ways, understand the stance of those dead set against porn. I feel the same way about Disney movies, and my little girls won't be watching ANY Disney until they are old enough to understand that love doesn't work the way that Disney represents it, and that a 16-year-old "princess" isn't likely to find her prince in the first guy she meets, marry him, and live happily ever after. I think it's an extremely poor representation of what love and relationships really are--yet we program our little girls as a society to believe it can happen, because we show them movie after movie in which it does! You want to talk about unrealistic!
Long story short--don't feel sorry for me. The only person on these boards that probably has a better and more satisfying sex life, with a true connection and communication with their partner is KP. That's not to say that none of the others have great relationships--I can think of several offhand that do--I'm just saying that my husband and I are open-minded, communicate to each other, and trust and respect each other.
We also don't think porn is "real", which is what I think the real problem with the people that hate it is.
If, as you say, Disney movies represents love in an unrealistic way, that love doesn't work that way, and it is an extremely poor representation of what love and relationships really are, I have to say I agree with you. I think many a little girl has grown up with "Cinderella Syndrome" so to speak, and have been jarred by the reality of married life and have crashed and burned emotionally.Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
By the same token, as adults we know porn is not real but real people are set before a camera to pretend as if it is real. Camera men are viewing the bodies of these people, the people in the movies are not respecting their own bodies. They are allowing some stranger to touch them in places that should be reserved only for the person in their life that they have chosen to be their mate for life, such as you and your husband. I wonder in my mind, if these little girls you have who are not being allowed to watch Disney movies (and I can totally see your point) grow up and decide they would enjoy making porn movies, would you feel they had made a wise choice for their life? Anything can become addictive. We all have a propensity to become addicted to something in our lives. You mention people fighting against the making/selling of alcohol. My 37 year old nephew died two years ago from drinking too much and destroying his liver. He made the choice to drink but a little was not enough. He was the most precious person, so kind that life sometimes caused too much pain. His father took him out drinking and introduced him to the "night life" and now the father still lives, the son is dead... both drank. One can stop when he chooses, my nephew found it difficult to do so. He did quit the last year of his life. There are people who can view porn in the way you say you and your husband do but there are people who become addicted and a little is not enough and before you know it, they are viewing it at work and some losing their jobs because of it (where I worked there were people in state office whose only job was to scan what state employees were viewing online and if they were viewing porn, they were fired), and people like the husband in this first post, who watch porn for hours when they get home. It takes more and more to satisfy them and they remove themselves from their mates "real" life. It takes a lot of hard work and commitment being in a healthy real relationship. Porn allows the mind to do most of the work but destroys so many relationships. We are a people of choice. I just think if something harms others, we should be willing to step back and realize that not all people choose well. Maybe there are things in all of our lives, we could give up, for the sake of helping someone else not get caught up in something that might destroy their lives, even though we can take it or leave it, so to speak.
I think the shows you mention on TV are a prime example of the process of "gradualism".
There will always be alcohol, just as there was when it was illegal, there will always be drugs, there will always be porn, there will always be murders, rape, incest, etc. I have sin in my life and am addicted to things, as we all are to some degree, and deal with being obsessive/compulsive. So I write, not as a person who thinks I am strong or better than someone else but as one who believes we should respect ourselves and others.
I am thankful for this forum where we can all express what is in our hearts and share experiences that might help someone else along the way.
I do believe porn is wrong. I believe it debases both men and women.
I believe that people should be responsible for their OWN choices.
I don't want a government that is a nanny, telling me what I can and can not do in MY life because some other idiot (yes, I put that word out there) can't take responsibility for their OWN actions.
I don't think the following things are wrong, though they are destructive in the hands of those who do not make good choices: Handguns, prescription drugs, alcohol, fast food, sugar, revealing clothing (such as lingerie), computers, explosives, military training, pornography, box cutters, electricity, casinos, lottery tickets, video games (especially first-person shooters), music with explicit lyrics, religion (more people die for religion than for any other cause every year), tattoos, body piercings, alternative medicine, cell phones, television, and parenting (think of the damage that people not cut out to be parents do to their children!)
Basically, it comes down to choices.
If you don't like porn, GREAT! That's your choice! But then make that clear when you're dating someone, and either don't stay with anyone that DOES view porn, or lower your standards and accept that it is YOUR choice to stay with someone who does view porn--you don't get to be a victim if you stay when you don't like it. Either leave or accept that you're not going to get your way on it. Period.
What you should NOT do, though, is make things illegal because you can't handle those things. I personally would LOVE to make religion illegal! But instead I recognize that it's a choice that everyone makes, and regardless how destructive it is in the hands of the wrong people---everyone has to make their OWN choice about it. I choose not to support religion, rather than trying to take it away from the people that DO enjoy it.
Yes, you should be worried. Porn is just wrong. He will end up cheating on you and becoming addicted to sex with other people. If he won't get help, you will both be unhappy.Quote:
Originally Posted by BROCKSGIRL86
For those that do not believe than pornography is not a bad thing, simply do a search at the top of the page for that subject and see how many relationships are in trouble because of porn addictions.
To counter that argument... do a search for "Am I pregnant" and see how many of THOSE relationships are failing because someone (usually the female) had the image that having sex meant that you were in love and were going to be together forever.
I honestly believe that for the average person the warped conceptions from porn are no more prevalent than the warped images of violence (look at all the school shootings out there!) or from romantic comedies (where everyone lives happliy ever after and no one ends up pregnant and on welfare and holding a grudge because he left for his previous babymomma).
Not having SELF CONTROL is what is wrong in those relationships, and not putting your partner ahead of yourself, and not taking responsibility for your actions.
Addiction to porn is a symptom of THOSE issues, and not the problem.
Its not the porn, it's the people who abuse it that's wrong. Like anything else in the world, people cross the line, and need help getting back. Should we get rid of everything that gets abused by humans? There would be nothing left.
I have read and posted on this thread and continue to read the updates. On your avatar, you mention "Pride, Envy, Lust, Gluttony, etc." I believe I have a really clear view of how you look at porn from reading your posts but just today, in all the times I have read your posts and seen your avatar, it hit me that I don't know how you stand on these other issues. Perhaps this would need to be addressed on a separate thread but I guess when I would see your avatar, I assumed, (which one should not do), that you had the avatar as a warning of what negatives these can bring into a person's life. Today, I wonder if I misread your meaning to your avatar. You are listed as an expert therefore, I guess I thought you would have had a more balanced view of all these issues yet you are adamatly in favor of porn. Perhaps you could just share with me in a short paragraph here without new threads, if you condone and approve of these other issues in people's lives. As I said, I guess I was just being too naïve and never thought about this until today. I would appreciate if you have the time to address this just in short here. If you don't feel this is the appropriate thread to do so, I understand that also. Thank you for your time.Quote:
Originally Posted by Synnen
LOL... my avatar and my sig reflect my name--Synnen (Sinnin'). It's a very long, drawn out, inside joke from 7 years ago--but I've basically used the same name online for years.
I'm for moderation in everything, honestly. I hate the idea that things should be banned, or be thought morally wrong, or that something that may help one person should be thought evil because it hurt another. By that reasoning, peanuts are evil too, since some people are allergic!
I guess not moderation in EVERYTHING, really. I just feel that as long as what you are doing doesn't hurt anyone else, then there's really not an issue with it. Some couples love porn, some abhor it. The reason I defend it so stridently is because so many people condemn it out of hand. I feel the same way about drugs, alcohol, threesomes, sex before marriage, fetishes, kinks, open marriages, whatever. As long as no one is being FORCED into it--where's the problem?
So yes... I guess I do think that the "seven deadly sins" are okay--in moderation. Everyone SHOULD experience times when they are putting themselves first (avarice), or times of great lust (what would a great marriage be without great lust?) or envy (what motivates us to do better for ourselves if not the wish to have something someone else does, or to be like someone else? Everyone should also feel like they can stuff themselves occasionally--like Christmas or Thanksgiving--and give in to gluttony. People should have pride in a job well done. People should be angry at injustice. And what makes a good weekend even better than sleeping in, and laying around doing nothing--isn't that sloth?
So... moderation is the key. Not banning something because someone ELSE can't control themselves and keep it at moderation. That's the fault of the person with no self control, not of the "evil" thing that people want to ban and get rid of at all costs.
Part of the reason I'm an expert (in MY opinion, anyway) is that I'm open-minded. I have absolutely NO problem with couples that decide TOGETHER that something is bad for their relationship--or GOOD for their relationship. What I hate are blanket statements that something is good or bad or immoral or wrong or evil or whatever--when it's only bad for that particular person, or that particular couple.
So... I urge communication. I urge that people actually LISTEN to each other. And I really wish more people would talk about these things within their relationship rather than going out and asking some random people on the internet if something is wrong. If the person ASKING thinks it's wrong--well, to them, it is. To their partner, however, it may not be. If you can't reach a compromise on it as a couple, well, then you're probably doomed.
That make more sense to you on my position on things?
Thank you Synnen for taking the time to address my question. It is much appreciated. I know it took some time to type it all out. It is good to have a forum where we can ask questions, post our opinions and still give respect to one another. Thanks again so much!
I don't think porn is wrong
I don't think anything that may be considered bad in itself is wrong
It's the reason people do those things that could be wrong
My husband is into porn and even more the tv/movies.. all he wants to do is watch other peoples lives is how I see it..
The way you are treated in the marriage has nothing to do with porn.. I think
He is chosing to spend his time, life, interactions with something other than you
That is wrong
If there was no porn in the world do you think hed work less, have more dinner conversation, and instead of retreating to the porn would spend it with you in quality time?
If there were no other easily distractable things out there would he be more loving?
Maybe but I can't see how these things take the place of someone that you really love.. which makes me wonder does he really love you.. or in my case why did my husband even get married? We could have just been great friends and I could find the kindof relationship I wanted.. I'm not blaming my husband and I'm not blaming yours
Kindof got to ask ourself did we see any of this when we were dating? I kindof did but blew it off giving him the benefit of the doubt..
If you met on eharmony which I'm not knocking it at all!! It seems like a good thing to use for relationships.. this meant he was already a "computer" person and is possible he was already heavily into porn back then
If you blame porn then you get into the self esteem weight issues you mentioned you start critiquing yourself if that's how you spell it..
When I blame the media my husband always has his eyes glued to.. I wonder am I just so uninteresting that watching other peoples "fake" lives is more interesting?
It points the blame on the media and on me rather than.. why the heck is he distracting himself from me and shutting me out so much
I'm not saying to blame him either.. just don't blame
But porn isn't the issue... the way he is treating you his wife is
Probably not much help but just a perspective
It just clicked how young you are
Goood lawd.. Im NOT for divorce but I am not for marriages that will just suck the life out of you
And if you have an extremely distant husband.. that mouths he loves you but shuts you out.. AND is using other things for sexual outlets when that is a huge part of what makes a marriage fun.. keeping you from being the object of his desire or whatever.. a big reason people get married
Then you don't deserve to be dealing with this.. especially since you are getting depressed about it and feeling bad about yourself and starting to blame yourself
That is not a good way to live.. married or not.. ignored the paper signing marrige document.. you are living with someone that shuts you out.. and because you are married you are "Stuck" and alone because you do the right thing and are trying and aren't out cheating..
I'm kindof in the same boat but I'm not in a position to walk out and be free as a bird but what I am doing is starting to focus on me.. since your husband is spending all that time away from you.. you got oooodles to start getting your own life back.. NOT saying finding someone else or necessarily getting a divorce.. just start doing things behind the scenes so you are in a situation should you really not be able to take it anymore you can get a separation at least or divorce..
Like the weight thing.. that is up to you.. but sometimes losing weight and all is greatly sabatoged by living in a negative envoirnment.. if the weight is due to emotional things like your only source of comfort since you get NONE from him
But id focus on other things... like finding a job if you don't already have one that you like.. or using this time to go to school so you can get one you really like
Keeping up with your friends.. maybe when he is retreating to his secret sex life on the computer.. instead of waiting for him in bed or drowning your sorrows in front of the TV.. get in your car and meet up with friends..
Find you again.. on your own.. get yourself to a point where you know you could walk out and be OK if you had to
Being so young.. you got so many choices and paths you can take
Try try try to stop focusing on what he's doing wrong.. and spend time doing the right thing for you
The answer to being with most addicts is to cut them out of your life , and protect yourself from their actions, doesn't matter what the object of that addiction is.
If they don't want to change, your wasting your time. Having said that, addiction is only a symptom to a deeper problem that must be addressed, and until they want help to find out what it is and resolve it, sorry, your just wasting your time, and worse, you may be enabling the behavior.
Porn is cheating if it bothers you and he knows it. Porn is not cheating if you two have a healthy sex life and you are okay with him watching porn. It's a personal decision that only you can make. My husband watches porn, I don't. We have a healthy active sex life. Is he cheating? Some would say yes, some would say no. We made the decision for ourselves. If it doesn't include children or animals then it's a personal choice that only you and your husband can answer. If you ask him to stop and he WON'T he's a jerk, If he CAN'T he's addicted and needs help. From there the decision is again up to you. If he can't/won't change you then need to decide if you can accept it or not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angelmouse227
Out of curiosity (Because in general, I agree with you)--is SHE a jerk if HE wants to have porn and she can't/won't participate? What if porn is an important aspect of his idea of a healthy sex life? I mean, some people like oral sex, some people like porn!
I guess what I'm asking is: Shouldn't there be give and take and understanding from BOTH partners, not just "he's a jerk or an addict if he won't stop because you tell him to"?
The issue to me here is not porn, he met you on a dating site and you guys are married and now he is back on dating sights. He isn't addicted to porn, he is addicted to internet dating. You have only been married for about a year right? How long has this been going on?
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