I don't know why he will come over when your not home, but when you want him to come over to have dinner all of a sudden he doesn't want to come.. If they are just friends I don't think he should have a problem meeting the husband which is you. But I don't know why he doesn't want to know you, but he just wants to come over while your at work.
Just be on guard cause something is happening in your own front door.

i can be wrong but this is the red flags i see:
1. he lives right across from where you live, but your wife doesn't even bother mentioning him if they are only friends.
2. you told her that you saw both of them in the park but she denies it. Why? Why would she deny that if nothing is going on.
3. she spends all her free time with him while your not around, lots of time spending it on his apartment, but she doesn't even bother letting you know about it.
4. you want to have dinner with him so you can get to know him better, but for some reason your wife said he might not want to come, but he doesn't have a problem coming over while your gone.

I don't know man, but something is not right. I can be wrong, but if they are just friends and only friends why would she hide things from you, and why wouldn't she want you to meet with him?

Just my thoughts!

I don't think I would want my husband visiting another woman if I weren't present. However people are different and if she tells you there is nothing to it except friendship then you need to tell her you don't feel comfortable with her actions. I would go with my feelings on this one.

Has she ever given you any indication she would want someone else? Has she ever been unfaithful? Invite the guy over yourself and then you'll be able to see for yourself if you need to worry. Body language can tell you a whole lot. Good Luck

Hi I didn't actually see them in the park.. I was curious when I couldn't reach her on the phone so I logged into her GPS and tracked her in the vicinity of her apartment, then walking up the street, past the shopping mall where she would usually go then to the park where there are kids playing. When I called her at that moment she just said she was walking on the street to get some fresh air [it was quite cold, almost raining that day], I know GPS are not always so accurate but it shows quite clearly the park. Later on my way home again after several attempts to call her I saw them walking towards the apartment complex. I don't know for sure how many times she catches up with him and after this I am not sure whether she would say. I am upset that she would either not say or make up a story on the understanding that she knows I would be upset. I even made out that I had a vivid dream that I saw her coming out of the complex of his apartment, walking passed the shopping mall and sitting in the park and when I heard the kids playing as I did on the phone I woke up.. no reaction, I asked if she was at that park, no. I am puzzled.

Sounds like you have something to worry about. It wouldn't bother me if a male friend came over to meet my husband if he could come over while my husband was at work. If he is just her friend and they were together in the park or shopping together it wouldn't be a big deal considering they were close enough to be room mates. The problem comes in when she would lie to you about it. I would not have a male friend over while my husband was at work that is not an honest wife. Only an opinion.

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Originally Posted by Mommy102808

Sounds like you have something to worry about. It wouldn't bother me if a male friend came over to meet my husband if he could come over while my husband was at work. If he is just her friend and they were together in the park or shopping together it wouldn't be a big deal considering they were close enough to be room mates. The problem comes in when she would lie to you about it. I would not have a male friend over while my husband was at work that is not an honest wife. Only an opinion.

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I agree totally.. why would she lie?

Hi KitKat thanks for your reply. She has never given any indication she would want someone else, never been unfaithful, to my knowledge. But she is quite open and friendly and happy to chat to people who want to chat with her.

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Originally Posted by clickaus

Hi KitKat thanks for your reply. She has never given any indication she would want someone else, never been unfaithful, to my knowledge. But she is quite open and friendly and happy to chat to people who want to chat with her.

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Maybe it's an innocent relationship... lots of women have male friends without having a sexual relationship. She sounds like a nice lady. Give her the benefit of the doubt until you know for sure. What may seem inappropriate to me, may just be a friendship on her part and his.

I would have a talk with him, very calmly and tell him how you feel. Who knows what will happen. Invite him to dinner. If your wife has been true to you.. then you have nothing to worry about. I will add this ,tell him you would rather not have him in your home when you're not there.

I try to talk to her about this and to try to understand why she would make up story, but I can't just say she has lied because the GPS told me different to her story so I am stuck with having to swallow her story about not being in the park or being at his apartment. But I still can see the GPS tracking in my head. I know I shouldn't do that but I need to know.

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Originally Posted by clickaus

I try to talk to her about this and to try to understand why she would make up story, but I can't just say she has lied because the GPS told me different to her story so I am stuck with having to swallow her story about not being in the park or being at his apartment. But I still can see the GPS tracking in my head. I know I shouldn't do that but I need to know.

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Sit her down and tell her how you feel and tell her you are having these feelings because of her and this guy. Ask her point blank what her feelings are for him. To have peace of mind and trust restored tell her how you know she isn't telling you the truth.

You have to be honest with her in order to find out if she is being honest with you. I see this as the only way to put this to rest. Do it.

I'm wondering if you didn't nip this one in the bud.

She has not managed her answers to direct questions very well, and she may not have even asked the friend over for dinner, SHE may have felt too uncomfortable.

Perhaps there was something there between them when they lived together. Maybe just friendship, a brother/sister sort of thing.

Maybe they both had deeper feelings for each other, and remained friends.

What makes me suspicious is that she is very poorly covering up something, that if it were totally innocent, should have taken all of 30 seconds.

I think you should go to his place, and ask him directly to come over for dinner on Friday, and when he does, just tell him you are confused about the amount of time he spends in your home when you are not there. He would hopefully connect the dot that you likely don't like her going to his place either.

Just be straight about it. I'd just ask him, while she is sitting there, if you have anything to worry about, or do either of them have anything to say that you should know?

I would say that if that doesn't put the kybosh on whatever is going on, then you need to have some serious talking with her, preferably with a counsellor involved.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I'm wondering if you didn't nip this one in the bud.

She has not managed her answers to direct questions very well, and she may not have even asked the friend over for dinner, SHE may have felt too uncomfortable.

Perhaps there was something there between them when they lived together. Maybe just friendship, a brother/sister sort of thing.

Maybe they both had deeper feelings for eachother, and remained friends.

What makes me suspicious is that she is very poorly covering up something, that if it were totally innocent, should have taken all of 30 seconds.

I think you should go to his place, and ask him directly to come over for dinner on Friday, and when he does, just tell him you are confused about the amount of time he spends in your home when you are not there. He would hopefully connect the dot that you likely don't like her going to his place either.

Just be straight about it. I'd just ask him, while she is sitting there, if you have anything to worry about, or do either of them have anything to say that you should know?

I would say that if that doesn't put the kybosh on whatever is going on, then you need to have some serious talking with her, preferably with a counsellor involved.

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Jake has given you great advice and more eloquently than I ever could I might add. Take her advice.

Your wife's male friend should be fine coming over to meet and have dinner with her husband. I don't think it should be uncomfortable for any of you unless there was something going on behind closed doors. She may just be friends with this man and nothing more but I could be honest with my husband and tell him I went out with a guy friend. I would only lie if I had something to hide.

You don't have a lot of options but you better stop the snooping, and get the truth! You have worked hard to make a compelling case to us, so now you better come clean, tell her what you have done, and also confront her dishonesty.

It might rip things apart, more than likely, but you don't have a healthy marriage, just because you spy on her, justified or not, because she is lying, innocently, or not.

At this point, none of that matters a bit. What does is, putting your cards on the table, and get the truth out. This song and dance has to end. And maybe the marriage too, but any resolution has to start with complete honesty between you.

Don't put it off any longer.. if she is cheating it's better to know now... if she's not then get on with your marriage.

Tell her everything you're feeling and as Tal said ; put your cards on the table.

I would ask him over but I only know the complex he lives in not the number. When she was living there and was seeing her she never once invited me to see where she lived. When I asked her at the time what number are you she said hmm 48 I think. Just to clarify. I don't believe he has been visiting our apartment whilst I am not there. And I cannot be sure exactly how many times she does 'bump' into him.
On one previous occasion she mentioned that she was meeting Kevin for coffee as he was free. As she said, she usually just 'bumps' into him at the shopping mall. How did he communicate this. She uses the iPhone I gave her all the time but I have never seen his number on the phone. She has her old phone which she doesn't use and doesn't carry with her now but it is all in Chinese and I cannot read if anyone has called through this phone. I am unsure how they communicate. The more I ask her about the things that worry me the more I feel I am spoiling the relationship... but I have to know why she makes up these stories... If I hadn't tracked her on the GPS I would be non the wiser of course... but...

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Originally Posted by clickaus

but I have to know why she makes up these stories...

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What stories? It sounds like you are obsessing over something that isn't happening and pushing her into the corner so that she's forced to say what she thinks you want to hear.

You check her phone? Does she know this? If my husband checked mine, he would be gone so fast. We don't open each other's mail, check each other's phone lists or messages, don't listen in on each other's calls, and we each have friends of the opposite sex. It's called trust.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What stories? It sounds like you are obsessing over something that isn't happening and pushing her into the corner so that she's forced to say what she thinks you want to hear.

You check her phone? Does she know this? If my husband checked mine, he would be gone so fast. We don't open each other's mail, check each other's phone lists or messages, don't listen in on each other's calls, and we each have friends of the opposite sex. It's called trust.

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For many, personal insecurity causes mistrust...

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Originally Posted by BlackVY

For many, personal insecurity causes mistrust...

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I agree with BlackVy.. You may just be feeling insecure. Don't read more into this than there is. You will drive her away.

How is counseling going? How is the paperwork for her getting permission to get a job going?

You need to stop with the GPS tracking. It isn't healthy for you mentally or emotionally. The ability to 'see' where she (or rather her phone) is at any given time is allowing you to spy on any personal life your wife has. Just because she doesn't answer her phone when you think she should doesn't mean she is having an affair. The phone isn't a leash, is it?

Is she missing China? Is she missing friends and relatives? Is she wanting more than to be a stay-at-home mother and wife? Could a walk in cold, almost raining, air help clear her head of doubts and memories? Is Kevin someone she can talk to about those feelings and will understand who, what, and where she is talking about?

How many other residents of that building are her acquaintances than just Kevin?

As for Kevin and the diner invitation, why not have a small get-together of friends and invite him to that? Less seemingly confrontational than inviting just him over to diner. If she has told him anything about your 'suspicions', then he could very well be worried about meeting you and dealing with an angry husband (whether the husband has any reason to be angry or not.)

I agree with many aspects of what Kat is saying.

That is why resolving this one way or the other is so important.

Suspicions lead to behviour to uncover the truth- i.e. the GPS Whether there IS any truth, is yet to be seen.

However, as your wife, she is doing things that aren't exactly forthright. It is very frustraiting to ask somebody something that you know the answer to, and the event itself is denied by her. Sort of leaving you thinking you're losing your mind.

At some point you are going to have to let it go. You can only hit your head on a brick wall for so long. What I recommend is therapy to get to the truth (whatever it is), and work past it, depending upon what is revealed, if anything. That way, the two of you can agree to let it go until your next session, and not drive each other crazy.

It is easy to say just get over it, or forget about it, or let it go. But when you are married and your gut is telling you something isn't quite adding up, you are due an explanation, and she is obligated to be truthful to you. When the impasse happens and you do not believe what she tells you, it is time to have some mediation to sort things out.

Best of luck.

When people jump into these quick fix marriages there is bound to be tensions and conflict. You don't know each other and other than the first attractions, you have not explored deeply enough to understand, and work through, the below the surface issues that you both may personally have. You have not established through slow and steady contact, any inkling of who you're with, and the life that you had, or the type of life you want to build.

Now instead of the having fun getting to know each other, through honest communications you have jumped dead in to mistrust, and deceit.

Unless you get some guidance to discover the truth and motivations behind both your action, then sorry to say what looked so good on paper before will turn into a shame of conflict, and misunderstanding.

Its inevitable, since neither of you have the skills required, namely talking to each other honestly and openly, to resolve your differences between you, so they just keep growing. Hard to build something when you are not working together.

There is something about tracking a female secretly through GPS, and freaking out on any discrepancy, that makes my skin shiver. Honestly, that ain't love, or trying to understand.

That's more like a sting operation in my view. Your actions have led you both to being like the older couple who grow apart instead of closer, and yeah I know she may have some part in this no doubt, but instead of getting answers, and information from the source, you are trying to catch her in something to justify your actions.

None of this is healthy, or productive, and explains nothing.

That's why you better both sit and talk, HONESTLY, and hope she will agree to some sort of mediation through counseling or she just will be out of there.

Spying, and snooping is unacceptable, so is lying, but we don't know her side, only yours.

I think this marriage is over.. You don't know enough to trust each other and you are so unsure of yourself, you're making her life and your own life miserable.

You posted this in April and still haven't followed any of the advice... I think you want someone to tell you step by step what to do. We only give advice... You can take it or not. I don't see any way your situation is going to get any better... unless you admit you need help.

You are right I need help uncover why I get the feelings I get, although I do not know why someone would tell me that the cup is black when I know it is white, so to speak. The papers for immigration is a slow process and I have to compile a lot of information to present, taking time. My wife is frustrated as you say being here in a strange land seemingly alone but wanting to fit in and work but is not allowed by law at the moment. My counseling. I had to cancel my session a couple of times, once because my wife suggested I didn't need it as I could talk to her about what worries me and work it out... which is fine but I couldn't talk to her about everything that worries me for fear she would think the worse of me.. I am a good guy, and gentle caring guy but sometimes the ghost of relationships past come to rattle my chain a little I start looking for signs and over analyzing almost expecting to find the traits. Thanks guys for your patience and trouble. Much appreciated

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Originally Posted by clickaus

You are right I need help uncover why I get the feelings I get, although I do not know why someone would tell me that the cup is black when I know it is white, so to speak. The papers for immigration is a slow process and I have to compile a lot of information to present, taking time. My wife is frustrated as you say being here in a strange land seemingly alone but wanting to fit in and work but is not allowed by law at the moment. My counseling. I had to cancel my session a couple of times, once because my wife suggested I didn't need it as I could talk to her about what worries me and work it out... which is fine but I couldn't talk to her about everything that worries me for fear she would think the worse of me.. I am a good guy, and gentle caring guy but sometimes the ghost of relationships past come to rattle my chain a little I start looking for signs and over analyzing almost expecting to find the traits. Thanks guys for your patience and trouble. Much appreciated

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I've been in your shoes, and like you said, the ghosts of past relationships come back to haunt you and you start looking for signs with your wife now, to prevent yourself from getting hurt again.

I know what its like, but one thing I try to remember when thoughts like these pop into my head is that my wife is my wife. She is not that girl I used to date or that girl who hurt me in a past relationship. No 2 people are exactly alike, so you can't judge her or decide she is going to hurt you if you notice behaviour you noticed in an ex. They are not the same person, so let it go.

All the best

Thank you BlackIvy for that understanding.
Also I also know it isn't right to use the GPS to spy as it were. Originally I used it as a comfort in the same way when in the back of your mind you would normally know your wife or husband was at any given moment in time of the day, 9am oh he/she is work.. 1pm oh he/she would be having lunch by now... 5pm oh he/she would be heading home by now.. there is a certain unconscious comfort in that.. currently my wife has too much time on her hands so as I say I used the GPS as a sort of comfort when I 'see' she is at home or at the mall. The problem comes when I have seen her being somewhere she would not normally be and when asked about her day doesn't mention or tells a story that conflicts with this.. in the same way that if you expect your husband/wife to be home at a certain time and there are late or calls to say 'Oh I had to work late' which is fine until you later find that there where elsewhere at that time...

Keep up with the counseling. Being able to talk to her isn't the same as being able to work through your issues with the guidance of a neutral party. I think you benefit from being able to open up to someone you know won't judge you and you don't have to see all the time. Maybe in time you can get her to go to counseling with you.

Could she enroll in classes (even some type of continuing education class) or get involved in volunteering? Could she volunteer at a local community center to give lessons in Chinese or Chinese culture?

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Originally Posted by clickaus

Thank you BlackIvy for that understanding.
Also I also know it isn't right to use the GPS to spy as it were. Originally I used it as a comfort in the same way when in the back of your mind you would normally know your wife or husband was at any given moment in time of the day, 9am oh he/she is work.. 1pm oh he/she would be having lunch by now... 5pm oh he/she would be heading home by now.. there is a certain unconscious comfort in that.. currently my wife has too much time on her hands so as I say I used the GPS as a sort of comfort when I 'see' she is at home or at the mall. The problem comes when I have seen her being somewhere she would not normally be and when asked about her day doesn't mention or tells a story that conflicts with this.. in the same way that if you expect your husband/wife to be home at a certain time and there are late or calls to say 'Oh I had to work late' which is fine until you later find that there where elsewhere at that time...

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The GPS thing was not a good idea from the start.. It is pretty much high tech spying.

In the old says, this would be the equivalent of having a guy follow your wife around and report back to you, or you following her around all day. In your mind it is for her safety or just so you know where she is and what she is doing, but it just doesn't seem right does it?

How would you feel if your wife didn't trust your word enough about what you were doing? That what you said to her and told her wasn't enough for her, and she needed proof and to know things for herself.

Good luck and no more GPS... I hope it all works out for you, I really do.

Quote:

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Originally posted by clickaus,
My counseling. I had to cancel my session a couple of times, once because my wife suggested I didn't need it as I could talk to her about what worries me and work it out... which is fine but I couldn't talk to her about everything that worries me for fear she would think the worse of me..

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Take her up on it. The answer to fear, is courage, and facts. Either talk to her, or get rid of the GPS, and take your chances by the rest of us as if you are so afraid of the ghosts over your shoulder, you will always be looking back for them, and NOT forward. For sure you will find those ghost, or run into a brick wall, and bust your head, because you should have had your attention in front of you. Just me, I would still be on my honeymoon with my hot new wife.

Fear is a part of finding out who you are and who she is. It is also wise to not let that fear overwhelm you.

Love makes all of us do stupid things in our life and later we think"why in the world did I act that way"?

My goodness I use to be so jealous of my husband when we first got married. He was and still is a hunk.

I got over that jealousy when I finally realized of all the women he could have had he chose me.

We've been together many years and not one time has he ever given me reason to doubt his love.
So I worried for no reason other than I was insecure.

Hope I help you someway.

Whether your wife thinks you need counseling or not. I personally think you need to have your own counselor sessions for yourself to improve on yourself to help your marriage.

You need to work on things still, and I thought you were coming along but that old devil of fear crept up into your head again which will just cause a mountain full of problems.

Please start your counseling and stick with it and work out the reason why your always so insecure and paranoid about everything,

Joe

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Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976

Whether your wife thinks you need counseling or not. I personally think you need to have your own counselor sessions for yourself to improve on yourself to help your marriage.

You need to work on things still, and I thought you were coming along but that old devil of fear crept up into your head again which will just cause a mountain full of problems.

Please start your counseling and stick with it and work out the reason why your always so insecure and paranoid about everything,.

Joe

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I agree with Joe... find out about yourself first. Good luck:)

Thanks Kitkat your story did help. And Joe I have re-scheduled my session for next Thursday.
I always feel great when I am with her and when things are smooth and uncomplicated. Then I get a days when things appear complicated and to what have no answers to [ie why she avoided saying outright she was in the park].
I work almost in isolation, and only one or two good friends one of which [ironically], is a long standing female friend of 12 years who is married and has a child, my wife knows about her has meet her and her family, who I have burdoned from time to time with my worries/concerns. So I guess I am not able to purge these worries and during the day end to fester.
Thank you for everyone's help it really does help. I would invite everyone around for dinner but it might be a little difficult to explain to my wife, haha Thanks guys.

Develop your coping skills my friend. That's what gets us through the hard times.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Develop your coping skills my friend. Thats what gets us thru the hard times.

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I have a feeling you all will be fine. Just stick to the counseling and learn to trust. I had a lot of insecurities when I was young. My Dad was my port in the storm and he always told me.. "What God has in store for your life will be what is best for you". He was right.

Threads merged


Hi guys, me again.
Have been pondering all that has gone before and reflected heavily on all the answers given. Amongst it all the element of trust was challenged. How do you define trust in a relationship. This who have reads my threads will perhaps have a grasp as to what I have been battling with in my head. I know that trust in a relationship is so important. My wife has mentioned a couple of times 'you should trust me more'. OK point taken but how do I handle a situation where... I know I am going to get blasted for this, but I just need to know where I stand in here eyes... I was curious again when my wife called at bad time whilst in a meeting with my boss to let me know she was just about to leave the house to pop over to the local college. It came as a surprise as she had told me earlier in the morning she may just go to the park as it would be peaceful [the park in next to the college]. I could say or ask much as I was stuck in a meeting. About 40mins later I am out of the meeting. Called her, no answer. I then checked her phone GPS and saw she was nowhere near the college. She was in the town somewhere. Then she headed home. She called me to say that maybe she would take to train to meet me after work in about 2.5 hours, great. 30 minutes later she was out again to roughly the same place for about 30mins headed home but instead of going home she turned down the street on the opposite side of the road to our apartments and into a side road leading to her old apartment where her male friend [ex husband's friend or relative] lives. I panicked and called her at that time and she said 'Oh hi darl I have just left home to go to your office'. This wasn't so as she was just heading home at that time. Then she went home, I called again and she said 'oh silly me, it started to rain and I had to go back for my umbrella.'
In the evening I was not in a great mood and blamed it on a confrontation with my boss earlier. I asked about her day 'Just went to the mall and home' I ask if she had met up with her friend, 'No, no he has exams, too busy'.
Although I couldn't say for sure if she had met up with him I knew she was not being honest for some reason, and not knowing for sure as to why makes me very uncomfortable.. I love my wife very much, but I don't understand her actions and I cannot come clean to say I know her story isn't so.. I ask for your help again... that's if you guys haven't had enough of this by now... Thanks

Trust is throwing away the GPS.

Trust is not stalking your wife. Trust is not needing to know every. Single. Thing. She does throughout the day. Plans change. Things happen.

You can either trust her, or this will destroy your marriage eventually.

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Originally Posted by Torrid13

Trust is not stalking your wife. Trust is not needing to know every. single. thing. she does throughout the day. Plans change. Things happen.

You can either trust her, or this will destroy your marriage eventually.

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Trust is not seeing everything she does as a ploy to get away and cheat on you. I really feel sorry for her.

clickaus... you are going to drive yourself crazy with worry if you don't get a handle on this. I know it is difficult not to let your imagination run wild, but she has not really given you a reason to not trust her.

It is hard when you have suspicions, I know, but if you feel she truly loves you and you haven't found any proof of misconduct or deceit in her actions, you have to work at building that trust in your own eyes.

I would guess you would feel this way about any woman you were with; that perhaps you feel you are not enough for her for some reason, that is a self-esteem issue on your part. Have you been left before by someone else? Or have had difficulties in other relationships? Perhaps that is where this stems from.

Talk to her about your concerns, acknowledge that you sometimes worry (you don't have to let on that it is very often) about her becoming interested in someone else... see what she has to say. Then try your best not to harp on it.

It will take time, but you will find that bit by bit you will become more comfortable and less concerned that she is going to go elsewhere.

If you simply can't get passed it, you might need to consider counseling. Worse case scenerio... even divorce just to set yourself free from the constant worry.