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If you have worked, and lived with your parents all this time, before you were married, its not so much the age but there is a lot of adjustments to be made. I think its more experience, and maturity rather than age.
Your still growing in the mind. Learning how to handle yourself, and have an realistic idea of what you want, and need to be happy. And uppermost, how to get it.
Hi,Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
WISH YOU ALL A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR 2010
I am trying to be happy and settle down all the things in my life. But my major problem is my mom doesn't want to talk to me at all, she has told me not to step the house henceforth because I broke my mom's faith and went with my husband. My in laws are also not trying to ignore this problem and be together. My Mother is not talking to me at all. I want to maintain every relationship.
My sister says that I did not think the further consequences if I get married to other caste and against my parents wishes, my sister told me know there is no one whom you can go and meet in our family circle. I will not be invited to any of the family function or marriages henceforth my sister told me. She even told me you will not come to know even what is going no in our family circles. No one of family members will try to call me or remember me at all. My sister told me why I did not think about all this before taking such decision. She told me why I did not think that my mother will get departed from me. But she even says that know there is no use in crying I have to face the situation and try to solve all the relationships and become one. She is saying marriage is not a simple thing to be performed even I think the same what all she said.
Did I do wrong thing hurting me parents especially my mother, she is very much hurted by my behaviour, she is very upset. Will my relationship with my mother become proper, I am ready to wait to as much time as I can, but tell me will my mother ever accept us both happily, is it possible by any way.
I need your suggestion to improve my relationship with my mother and all other please kindly suggest.
If I am happy in any way my mother will be happy, but how can I show her that I am trying to be happy and adjust know. I want only my mother to be happy for which I can do anything. PLEASE PLEASE DO SUGGEST SOME IDEAS SO THAT I AND MY MOTHER CAN BE HAPPY
All say that in intercaste marriage if it is hard to solve the relationship problem between both the families the only solution would be when the child is born to the couple. Is there any posibilities in my case if I give birth to a child my family relation will improve. What if even I have child nothing is possible to get improved. Please suggest some ideas.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
If a child comes in my life will all my problems get solved and will my mother accept us both happily. Please advice
I am working know and trying and want to help my husband. My only problem is that I don't have much salary in the office were I work and my husbands income is also not so good, even all were saying me that why did I choice such a guy whose income is not so good, but he loves me a lot, but everyone says me that only love and caring doesn't fill the stomach and fulfills the desires and ambitions in life they say we have to be financially strong. Is having financial background is important or understanding.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
My husband is not even ready to send me out from my present place to work in different place where I can get good pay accroding to my qualifications.
Please suggest if there are any alternate jobs which I can do and earn. It might me part time job even. Please help and suggest.
While this is all so new to you and maybe a bit overwhelming, I suggest you not worry about anything and any one for now, except your new husband and the management of the new house you both now form. The success of that house is what important and everything else will fall into place.
As you are qualified for more, so can he be. Work together to build a life you both enjoy. That alone may soften the hearts of others, and allay their fears.
Don't be distracted by the squabbles and attitudes of others, just live your life and make it a happy one.
One day when others see that happiness they will want you to share it with them. Focus, and work with you husband, that's all you need to do. Talk and listen to each other.
You keep asking for our help to predict the future. We don't know any more then you do.
Don't know, that ball is in your mothers court. Ask her.Quote:
tell me will my mother ever accept us both happily, is it possible by any way.
Again, how would we know? Also, I really wouldn't suggest bringing a child into this relationship. A child adds stress to a marriage. Your marriage is already on shaky ground, so why would you add more stress?Quote:
if a child comes in my life will all my problems get solved and will my mother accept us both happily. Please advice
I live in Canada. I can give you a list of people looking for employees in my immediate area. As for your area, you'd know better then any of us. So look in the paper or whatever it is you do there to find a job. Stop being so lazy and help yourself for a change. :(Quote:
Please suggest if there are any alternate jobs which I can do and earn. It might me part time job even. Please help and suggest.
I don't know what you think we can do for you. All the questions you're asking can't be solved by us, they can only be solved by you and the other people involved.
You know these people, so follow what you think will work. You know your religion, your beliefs, your parents beliefs. Yes, you went against all that. Yes, they're hurt. They may never forgive you, so you may want to start accepting that your greed may well cost you your family.
I wish you the best of luck, but really, we can't help you. You have to help yourself.
I am qualified and want to work in good company and want to earn more, but my husband is not allowing me to work out of city. He says if there is no good job I can be at home. My husband is not so qualified so he thinks he can't get better job outside our city so he is not intrested to send me even to work outside our city. But without taking any step we have improve our life I tried to convince my husband but my husband is not ready to understand it. I want to improve my life, please suggest.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Does money is everything in life, does rich and poor effect any relationship. We are not so good in money but want to improve our financial sitiuation. Does financial situiation is all in love married life.
Please suggest please.
Roopali, you're not a child, you're a woman. This is your marriage now. You and your husband are the ones that are responsible for the success or failure of your marriage.
I said it before and I'll say it again. The questions you're asking we can't solve. No, money doesn't buy happiness, at 24 you should know that.
The fact is, you're married. Instead of asking us about all of these petty concerns, talk to your husband, the man you agreed to spend the rest of your life with. The man that you loved so much that you turned away from your family just to marry him.
You sound like a child. It's time to stop acting like one.
Live within your means until the means get bigger. Be financially independent, no matter the means.
Money problems, at least in the West, are very near the top of the list for having a big part of marriage breakups.
I agree with much of what Alty has to say about your situation. Overall, your problems are huge, such as the distance between you and your family, not being able to go to where you can better use your education and skills, problems with the in-laws, etc.
But, the knit picking and disecting of the smallest detail in your marriage, and life, and wondering what will happen or should happen, is like asking to have your future read. I have not come across anybody that is very good at predicting anybody's future events.
That you continue to be so anxious about your life and where it is heading, and you don't seem to grasp any sense of it, or have an idea of how to cope, I would suggest that you seek help from your family Doctor, or a therapist who is more familiar with your lifestyle, and can better guide you.
I had suggested earlier on that you speak with a religious person as well, for clarification of the many crossroads you find yourself at.
You need to be informed as to what you can do, and what you can't do, to solve your own problems. I'm sure you are aware that any University in India offers help for women that is confidential.
We can only really give you opinions, and you need more expert advice, in your own culture, with people who know, understand, and can help you through these problems.
Good luck.
My mind get distracted I want to concentrate with my husband family, but my mind goes again and again thinking for my parents side and I do such things and go wrong way which spoils my life. I no I will get my mom back but it will not happen early I have to keep patiences.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
My only problem is I don't have patiences and don't wait for anything to happen good I hurry and end with bad solution, all tell me to be cool and keep patiences but I don't do that. I need help on how to keep patiences and help out to get my family members back especially my mom and also relation should be good towards my husband family and my family.
My sisters say me not to work after having a child they tell me that if I keep on working whole life all responsibilities will come on me and I will be in great problem. My sisters say that after marriage its responsibility of husband to take care of me why should I work they tell me what should I do should I continue working after child.
My other thing is that my husband said that if I don't want to work I can sit at home but our financial position will not improve much, he says we can't achieve anything, we can plan to take anything, my husband says we will leave happily but can't dream much of big things, if I support him he says we can achieve what we need. I even think he is correct, but after child I think I can't manage all the things.
Please advise
Stop listening to your spoiled sisters who think that they have to have someone take of care of them whether it is your parents or their husbands. I would bet that they would put up with anything that their husbands wanted to keep their husbands taking care of them. Are they married? Did they marry for for Love or by arrangement? How jealous of you are they because you followed your heart and fell in love (even if he is of a different caste)? How much are they trying to cause problems in your life because they aren't happy with their own?Quote:
Originally Posted by roopali143
Frankly, I don't think you would be happy being a 'housewife'. I don't think you were happy as a 'dutiful daughter'. I think you want more than the Traditional Role of most women in your country. You should continue working and being a partner to the man you married FOR LOVE. Keep your current job, but keep looking for one in your area that will allow you to advance and fully use your skills. Maybe keep looking in other places for better jobs for both of you.
For this moment, build the relationship between you and your husband. Talk and listen to each other. Build your household and future TOGETHER. When (in the future) you both want to have a child, then you can decide together if you want to be a working or stay-at-home mother.
My problem is that I used to take all responsibilities of expenditure in my parents house and was fed up of that. I thought at least in my husbands house I will not be given this responsibilitiesb by my in laws want me to spend me for household things.Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
My another problem is my husband doesn't want to work out of the town and doesn't even want to work me. I want to improve my financial position. Spending for household things and making my future will be very hard for me. I need your advise as to what to do further.
Only thing I don't want to take household responsibilities for whole life or work whole life please suggest some good solutions for me.
I made mistake not listening to my parents and went against them, my mom told me that I did not take any dowry to my husband house so they are making me to work and spend whole life. I am afriad of this. I want some solution from you. Please advise. My mom told you want to work whole life without any rest or going anywhere. My husband is also not sending me anywhere to do. Really I am going mad with my married life please suggest
Give me solution so that I can be happy and make all me relations proper. I don't want to take all family responsibilities whole life, please suggest, I want to be happyQuote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Only you can make yourself happy. We can't give you a solution. We've told you that over and over again.Quote:
Originally Posted by roopali143
Do you even read what we write?
There apparently is no solution that you can accept - you have been given good suggestions.Quote:
Originally Posted by roopali143
I strongly suggest, you pay attention to those around you, and decide what must be done for the greater good of the family, and learn something about the ones you live with, and get busy working together.
There is no magic, or instant solutions here. You will just have to keep working at it. It will take time.
LOL, yes you did, but I have worked with many young people, and you have to keep telling them things over and over, until it sinks in. But as we all know, I can lose it, and be harsh if need be.Quote:
But Tal, we're supposed to tell her how to be happy. I thought you had the magic potion, didn't I give it to you after I used it? ;)
Obviously there is no strong male support in her life. That's all the poor kid needs. Strong support.
I agree that she needs strong support, but I also think she needs to accept the mess she made for herself. No one forced her into this marriage, in fact, she was told from the beginning how her family felt about it and she did it anyway. I won't say that I know her situation, because I don't know the culture, can't imagine it, it's so odd to me, so backwards, but still, she made her bed and she knew full well what she was doing when she did it.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Now, not even a month in, she's complaining about all the problems. I hope they use protection because bringing a child into this nightmare would be catastrophic.
She needs support, but she also needs a swift kick in the arse. She needs to realize that she's responsible for her own happiness, her own path in life. She can sit on her butt and hope for the best or she can do something about it.
So far it seems she wants us to do all the work and we all know that that won't work at all.
She needs to fish or cut bait. ;)
Ya, I'm in a mood. :o
I want to go away from my husbands family and my parents I don't want to keep any relationships. I am fed up of life. Will staying away from my husband for some days improve my mental condition. I am not able to think positively and be happy I tried hard to be happy but I have hurted peoples heart so I am not able to be happy. Please help and suggest some solution.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I don't know what ideas you had about what married life is about, but you did make your own choice in that, and now you are not happy, because you can't handle your reality.
Maybe some time away can give you insights, before you make another decision you will regret.
You know, we all think we marry for love, and will be happy, but the reality is marriage is a lot of hard work, and if your not up to it, then you find out quickly that just love, is never enough.
Quote:
Originally Posted by roopali143
I think it's time to close this thread - nothing is going to make OP happy and everything has been said - in my humble opinion. A total of 132 posts and we're back where we started.
I don't know if OP is happy, if her parents, his parents or her husband are happy - but she's depressing me!
Sonia,
I think either you need to take tal's advice, which is be independent in order to find your own happiness. i.e. stand up for yourself and do what you think is right for you. There is a lot of accountability in this. Do you think you are strong enough to make this decision yourself and be responsible for it?
If you aren't strong enough, then I suggest you go back home to your mum, she seems willing to look after you and all your decisions. And this seems to be what you want, someone to be responsible for your happiness.
You're fed up with life? You want to leave your husband and go back to your parents?Quote:
Originally Posted by roopali143
You're a child. You should have stayed home to begin with because you're not mature enough to be married.
Happiness requires work. You want someone else to do the work for you and that's not going to happen. You don't listen, you do what you want, you're a whiny little girl!
Go home to mommy, be dependent on someone else forever. The next time you get married, talk it out with someone, because you're obviously not mature enough to make this decision for yourself.
My seven year old has more backbone and maturity then you!
Give up, you'll never be happy with anyone, least of all this poor man that gave you his heart.
Alty's words should be a stark wakeup call for you.
At least speak to your mother in person, be honest with what is happening. I hope she can understand and help you with even temporarily, by encouraging you to go home.
You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.
Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage.
You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.
Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage
You are right, I am made for no one, I have to be along either with my mom or myself. I am not matured from mind, I really don't no what married life is all about. I have made hell of my life and even my husbands,so I want to go away from his life and let him live his life ahead.Quote:
Originally Posted by Llisa
Shall I tell you one thing, from the day of marriage I did not receive happiness either from my parents or my husbands family, after marriage I had to come and join my office, is this a beginning of any married life, I asked my husband to take me somewhere and go for few days because I am not mentally well, but he says he will not send me anywhere and if I want to go I can go but can't come back, is this the understanding, I begged him that I need a change for somedays but he is not understanding my mental state. I don't want to blame anyone then myself.
Only thing is I want to be alone without any relation, the person for whom I came is not understanding my feelings at all. I think being alone I will be good and my mental state will also be fine, I need some suggestions from you, and kindly you please explain me is this the kind of married life in the begenning of marriage.
Roopali, you are allowed to make mistakes in your life, just like anybody else. Maybe you should have been wiser before this all happened, maybe you should have been stronger, maybe you lacked confidence in yourself, and expected that somebody else would make your life happy and complete.
You have learned a valuable lesson that will benefit you down the road, and there are some plusses here too. You have the power to live your own life, under your own steam. You have the power to make your own decisions, and decide what direction you will lead your life in. You are the sum of all your parts so to speak, and be grateful that you do have an education, and you are more than capable of earning your own keep, without being reliant upon a husband and his family.
Divorce happens in India, you are not the first, and you won't be the last, if you go that route to establish your freedom. There are consequences of course as you are well aware, from both families. You need to decide which is worse. Staying in this place you are in now, or moving on with your own life, and hoping that someday your family will accept you for who you are.
Only you can weigh the pros and cons of staying, or going. It really boils down to those two choices. There is no middle ground.
To keep regurgitating the past and asking whether it was proper or appropriate how your marriage started, or why your inlaws are the way they are, or why traditions and expectations weigh you down with depressive thoughts, and confusion, is not going to get you anywhere. It is what it is.
Go forward, not backward. All things considered, you have a life to live. Only you can forge your own way and create your own happiness. If that means being on your own, so be it. Not everybody was cut out for an arranged marriage, or made to accept a bad marriage, or marriage at all. There is nothing in any book that says you have to live a miserable life, no matter what you decide to do.
But, please stop complaining about it. You are preventing yourself from moving forward, because you think too much about why everything is so wrong in your life. It just is, and you cannot change anybody or anything but yourself. Your expectations of life, accomplishments, and happiness are solely on your shoulders, nobody else's.
I hope that regardless of the decision you make, that you can find happiness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
Thanks a lot for your suggestions,
But still I am depressed and I think I will go mad, I did not listen to my mom with whom I stayed for a very long time. Now I regret for everything now. I think I am not capable for anybody I had to lead my life lonely, I did not give happiness to anybody, not to my parents and not even to my husband, I had tries to end my life, it cut my hand nerves but I was saved.
I am really fed up of my life, from the beginning of my married life I did not see any happiness. I had to spend some happy moments with my Husband but I did not get the chance instead I had to join my work after three days of my marriage. My husband with whom I did love marriage did not understand me.
Till now I did all the things for other sake and happiness and not for my happiness, I think if I hear what is good and what makes me happy if I take decision I think I will be happy with that and I will not blame anybody.
ONLY THING IS I WANT TO LEAD MY FURTHER LIFE HAPPILY AND NOT IN TENSION IF MY SITUATION BE THE SAME I SURELY WILL GET MAD OR GO UNDER DEPRESSION. I WANT TO LEAD MY LIFE AHEAD ALONE.
I ONLY WANT TO LEAVE MY LIFE ALONE AHEAD AND Don't WANT TO INTERFERE IN HIS LIFE AGAIN AND SPOIL HIS LIFE. I HAVE SPOILED HIS LIFE TILL NOW. PLEASE SUGGEST WHAT SHALL I DO.
Your question has been answered over and over again. Now you add information that you have already attempted suicide (at least) once.
You either aren't reading or don't understand the responses you have received. I don't think there's anything more to say.
All I can add to what I've said, and what everybody else has said, is make a decision as to what you want to do, and then just do it. It isn't impossible, or beyond your capabilities. Make a plan and carry it out. Nobody but you can decide which life you want, or make it happen for you, you have to do it yourself.
I have read of suicides in your culture because of forced marriages which is more accurate in my opinion than 'arranged' marriages, and I hope you don't see that as a way out of your misery. Waste a life over a disappointing marriage? Family problems? Not worth it.
See if you can't talk to an advisor at a University, a counsellor or women's centre. Speak to someone face to face and see if you can't find your way with a little local help from the perspective of having a better understanding of your culture. They can advise you far better than anybody here can. It is confidential and may help you make up your mind as to what to do.
I don't think anybody can help you here anymore Roopali, you need to move on and find your way, and do what you have to do to be secure in any decisions you make.
I hope you find strength to do that. All the best to you. Take care.
Marriage is hard work. It's not sunshine and roses and constant happiness. You both started your married lives by going against your parents wishes, not thinking things through, hoping that everyone would be forced to accept what you wanted. It didn't work.Quote:
Originally Posted by roopali143
You started your marriage under the worst of circumstances, because you only thought about what you wanted. Now, all of a sudden, things aren't as great as you thought they'd be. Your parents aren't accepting your decision (which they told you they wouldn't) and you are stuck in a bed of nails that you yourself made.
Do you really think that divorcing your husband will make everything okay again? Will your parents take you back? Have you talked to your family about this? Have you talked to your husband? Have you tried at all to see things from his point of view? From your parents point of view? From anyone's point of view other then your own?
You seem to think that you have a right to be constantly happy. Why? No one else in the world has that right. Did you think that your husband would put you on a pedestal, worship you day and night, treat you like a princess and fulfill your every wish?
I've been married for 14 years. There are ups, there are downs. We've fought, we've had bad times. The reason we're still together is because we're a couple, we work through our problems, we don't just run from them.
The choice is yours. That's part of being an adult, making your own decisions. No one on this site can make the decision for you. I've said that all along. My advice hasn't changed. It's time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions.
I have talked to my parents and they are willing to take me back and agree with my decision, even my husband said me in anger to go back to my parents and be happy with them and that he made a mistake loving me and taking me to his house, he is blaming me for everything nwQuote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I no married life is not bed of roses and I did not even think that my husband should treat me as a princess. I just wanted him to understand me, what is married life in the beginning. He did not and is not trying to understand me. I told him that because our marriage was not done in good manner and that my parents have not acepted this decision I am not good mentally and that I want to go and stay somewher for few days, but he is not ready to send me at all, I am fed up of working from the beginning of my married life without any rest or enjoyment in my life.
If I say that I will go and come to my sisters place for somedays he says that I can go but I can't think of coming back again, but I did not say that I will not come back, but he has such intensions of not taking me back, he says now if I go he will not come to take me nor c my face again. I am stuck up very badly I need some metal rest or else I think I will surely become mad. I tried to make him understand my mental condition several times but he gets angry and stops talking, what do I do now, I need help, so that I can get rest for some days. Only thing is I have made myself very strong I did not think about my parents that they would think good for me, but really telling I am not happy with my married life. From the day of marriage I am only struggling and working in my office with no hopes of life further. You tell me is this a beginning of married life, did you spend your beginning of married life in such condition, I no I did not obey my parents but I was sure that I would be happy with my husband and he will understand me and keep me happy. ANY ADVISE.
Sonia, stop thinking about the way you think things should be. Deal with things the way they are. Rest is not something you are going to get, no matter where you are, until you find acceptance for what is instead of longing for what isn't.
Accept that right now you need to work. Start a savings jar or account for you both to be able to get away on a vacation. Both of you put a small amount of money in it each day (small coins) or each pay period (maybe more). That money adds up fast if it isn't used for other things.
Make your time off work all about being with your husband physically, mentally, and emotionally. Make your house your home. Take time to look at where you are and what you can do to make yourself and your husband happy. It can show your husband that you do understand HIS mental state and needs are as important as your own.
If you are actively trying to be happy and make the marriage work, maybe he will be more open about you visiting your family. As long as all he hears is complaints, anger, disappointment, and other negative feelings and thoughts, he probably is going to keep shutting you out and not listening.
Stop thinking that it is ALL about YOU. Start thinking that it is about WE or US (as in you AND your husband).
I think Judy is right, it's time to close this thread.
Roopali, make a hard copy of all the patient advice you have been given in these posts, and when you start the repeating thing, read them.
We can only offer so much, so many times, and then it starts to fall on deaf ears, as it has with you.
Thread closed..
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