Ask Me Help Desk - What should I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

Music makes me feel better. I currently have music blasting in my face. :p

KICK IT!!

Hey, start, Tal was the calm one, I was ready to kick some @ss!

Cap'n yes, I know. I think deserves it too... in time sweet. Right Star?

Oh my , that is very very scarry. How old is this girl. I'm not sure what you can do because you seem to be doing everything, listen to his phone convos or look up his history? Set a hiddin camara so you can see the comp screen? I really do not know
I hope you are okk

He just called me saying that he was very sorry and nothing really was going on. He said he was going to delete and block all contact from her (myspace/yahoo) and as far as the phone calls, his sister is staying there with this girl, so he said that if his sister wants to talk to him she can call him, he's not calling there anymore.

Should I trust him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

He just called me saying that he was very sorry and nothing really was going on. He said he was going to delete and block all contact from her (myspace/yahoo) and as far as the phone calls, his sister is staying there with this girl, so he said that if his sister wants to talk to him she can call him, he's not calling there anymore.

Should I trust him?

Do you want to trust him? Dang, he's rung you out today!
I don't understand his sudden change of heart. You busted him outright. It wasn't something he was going to confess to! How long has this been going on? Calling and all..
But, you've children involved. You say he's remorseful?
There are many issues going and emotions, too...
I'll back you on any decision...

He said he talked to his mom and she set him straight. She said something stupid like this is not worth losing his family.

He told me he doesn't want something like this to tear us apart. He said that this girl does make it sound bad, but she's making it sound way worse than it is. Apparently she wanted to talk him out of moving us so far from his family. If this is the case, it is none of her business, and the umbilical cord between him and his mother needs to be cut at one point or another.

He has totally drained me today. I want to trust him, but I don't know if I should just yet. As for the calling, he said the only reason he calls over there is to talk to his sister, he didn't mention if she calls him or not (although he did say she called him today to "rat" on me). I wouldn't even be able to tell because all it says on phone records is "incoming call".

He says he's sorry. My brother says to be pleasant to him, but still keep my guard up. He could just be covering his own butt.

Are you close enough to his mom to talk to her, say just to "thank her";) ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptainRich

Are you close enough to his mom to talk to her, say just to "thank her";) ;)

Ehh that's iffy. I'm not sure if she even likes me yet (she didn't like me when we first got married), but at least she knows what is best for everyone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nauticalstar420

He just called me saying that he was very sorry and nothing really was going on. He said he was going to delete and block all contact from her (myspace/yahoo) and as far as the phone calls, his sister is staying there with this girl, so he said that if his sister wants to talk to him she can call him, he's not calling there anymore.

Should I trust him?

I believe in second chances but it depends on how old this other girl was. If she is really young then I don't know I would worried for my kids safety. But if he is seeking help and you think he is really trying then yeah I think you can trust him. We all make mistakes

Quote:

Originally Posted by sGt HarDKorE

I believe in second chances but it depends on how old this other girl was. If she is really young then idk i would worried for my kids safety. But if he is seeking help and you think he is really trying then yeah i think you can trust him. We all make mistakes

He is 22 and she is 19.

Hmmmm. Day by day, for you to even begin to trust him he's going to have to tow the straight and narrow.
His actions through the course of this hasn't been that of a loving husband.
Keep your guard up... you deserve better than this angst!
... for what it's worth, you've got my support.
Just be careful (have I rambled enough?)

Ok, OK, so we are getting answers, right Star, they may be iffy and incomplete, but he is going to try. Here is what I see, I see a man covering his A** before you find out what has really transpired between the two. I don't think he is being 100% honest, but I guess time will tell. I hope it works out for the both of you. I wonder if you can get him to go to a little therapy.. I think he needs to feel guilty a little longer! I personally wouldn't start trusting him right away. I wouldn't be able to turn this off so fast. You are calm... LOL I will support what you will do though, just like Cap'n, we got your back!

Nautical:

Sorry about your situation.
Just my 2 cents:

State clearly and calmly to him what you will do if he cheats.
Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.
I would go so far as to seek legal counsel and record all debts and assets, deeds etc.
You have to protect yourself; and he will see that you mean business.

Then, leave it in his hands...
Tell him you love him [ if you do ] and
Never mention it again, no further accusations or criticism [ whether true or not ].

If has cheated or is going to there is nothing you can do, but to move on. Sorry.

If he has not cheated, then this should make him less defensive and maybe open up to you as why he is seeking the attention of someone other than you.

This is not to excuse his behavior, which is reprehensible, but you can only control how you will react.

I really hope the best for you both.

BTW - I'm in western ky - small place and everyone knows someone somehow.

Grace and Peace

All of my support and best wishes are focused on you dear and I hope that you and your family don't have to wait too long to regain your peace and harmony.

My dad is from Hazard, KY but I've never been there. My Kentucky blood is boiling though and if I were there, I'd find her and kick her a** for you, that's for sure.

Hang in there Nautical, we are here with you.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_3_35.gifArmed and Ready.

STAR,I hope your relationship remains intact. If a man gets a "roving eye" it is in trouble. If this is just a one time response to a younger girls flattery, then it may survive . Looks like your friends here have the subject well covered for you. Being waaaay older I have been through this , and worse,a long time ago. My husband realised what he could lose, and mended his ways. He has told me, and shown me a thousand times that our love and our family is precious to him. We have been married 42 years now. Good Luck Sweetie

Star, you better come on. I am starting to worry about you! Hugs, I hope you are well this morning!

I'm here! Lol.

Thank you all for your wonderful responses! I have decided to be nice to him (just because I hate being mean) but my eyes are still wide open. I sat here and watched him get rid of her from internet contact, so hopefully he will start being good. I don't fully trust him as of yet, that is something I feel he has to earn back.

cerisa - I loved your story. I am so happy for you that it turned out okay in the end. Good for your husband for coming to his senses. He would have lost a lot if he lost you. :)

Chery - When you said your Kentucky blood was boiling and you'd kick her ***, you brought a huge smile to my face.. lol. That was such a cool and sweet thing to say :p n Thank you for supporting me, you are a sweetheart. :)

Good for you sweet... so happy, you are too sweet to be treated that way. He is a lucky man, and this may be something to cherish. Hard times make for the best I always say! Hugs, Start (no ax murderer here LOL)

I glad to see that he is coming around a bit and getting rid of all internet contact from her. He was probably scared out of his pants and should be. I wouldn't give to him right away either, your doing the right thing Star! Good job! I'm pretty close to Kentucky so me and Chery could gang up and show this girl some REAL southern hospitality if you need us to! Hang in there babe, sounds like it's all going to pan out!

Ya, Rank, she sure is terrific, huh? Hugs all around, through the tears and smiles...

Thank you guys! Hugs to all of you too.

The best way to keep your husband close is to hold him tight sweetie, and don't let ANYONE come between you. My dear sweet husband has leukemia. What I wouldn't give to be young with him again. I know I rocked his world then, but now I would do even better.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cerisa

The best way to keep your husband close is to hold him tight sweetie, and don't let ANYONE come between you. My dear sweet husband has leukemia. What I wouldn't give to be young with him again. I know I rocked his world then, but now I would do even better.

I try not to let anyone come between us, that's why I raised hell this time.. lol.

I am sorry about your husband. You sound like a wonderful couple. :)

It sounds like he's telling you a lot by not saying much. I would sit down with him (trying not to be angry, but to tell him the facts) and tell him how I felt. Tell him that it's very serious and not to blow you off. You might consider relationship counseling.

If he doesn't take you seriously or refuses to talk about it/seek help, I think he's sending a really strong message that you should deeply consider.

Best of luck to you!

I am going to admit, right up front, that I have not read the entire thread. I got to page 4 and a light bulb went on in my head, I had to turn it off before it burned out. LOL

The crud about him and the trust issue... You need to tell him that he is giving you a reason not to trust him. He is making the calls when you aren't around, he is closing his web pages when he knows you are there. Let him know that this is suspicious activity on his part. That he is giving you a reason to be concerned.

Tell him that if there is nothing going on that he should have no problem at all with you standing there looking over his shoulder when he is on the computer. My husband used to have this problem as I would shut pages like your husband also. The only difference was it was coincidence. So, now if he stands behind me, I let him read. If I close a page and it looks suspicious then I will reopen it if he has a question.

He has given you reason not to trust him, now make him give you a reason TO trust him.

He may be getting confrontational with the way you are talking to him about this. Men do not like to be confronted. To maintain peace and harmony in a situation like this us women really do have to choose our words wisely.

I'm very glad you stood your ground.
And if you're happy, I'm happy too.

You must be tired of it all by now...

I tried being a little less confrontational, and a little nicer, and it worked! Lol go figure. I guess I still have a lot to learn about men. He opened up when I was nice rather than shut down.

I told him also that he has given me a reason not to trust him and he said he understood that and how bad it looked. His reason for being so secretive was that I tend to overreact about things (and I admit I do) and he didn't want me worrying over nothing. He said it was better that I didn't know how aggressive this girl was about wanting to talk to him. The problem is, I don't know if I should believe him.

I do know one thing though. The problem looked bad, and made me lose some trust for him, and it will take a while to get that trust back.

I understand your pain NS. I have been where you are and found that my ex did indeed cheat. So when my current hubby thought I was doing the same, I took some measures to show that such was not the case.

Stand your ground. Understand that he may not wish to go to counseling right away. Many men do not warm up to this idea at first. You may have to go alone for a while if this is the path you choose.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CaptainRich

I'm very glad you stood your ground.
And if you're happy, I'm happy too.

You must be tired of it all by now...

I definitely stood my ground and was completely open and honest with him and he said he understood. I told him I would not tolerate this now or in the future so he needs to be more careful about who he talks to and what he says to them.

He said that above all things he did not want me to leave and he loves me more than anything, and he was willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. Lets hope he was telling the truth. :)

And yes, I am very tired of it. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by J_9

I understand your pain NS. I have been where you are and found that my ex did indeed cheat. So when my current hubby thought I was doing the same, I took some measures to show that such was not the case.

Stand your ground. Understand that he may not wish to go to counseling right away. Many men do not warm up to this idea at first. You may have to go alone for a while if this is the path you choose.

I am sorry that happened to you. To me cheating is one of the worst things you could do to a person. My dad cheated on my mom and she was a wreck for a long time. But I guess it also gives people a learning experience, if it has been done to someone they know what to look for. Plus, now you have a new awesome hubby. :)

I agree though I don't think he will want to go to counseling right away. He hates talking about his feelings and stuff like that, especially with strangers.

You handled this very well, and I am proud of you!
I know it will work out how it should sweet. I am happy to hear him talking nicely with you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by startover22

You handled this very well, and i am proud of you!
I know it will work out how it should sweet. I am happy to hear him talking nicely with you!

Thank you! :) I am glad he's finally talking to me too. It is so nervewracking when you are trying to talk to someone and they will absolutely not respond. It makes you think you can't even talk to that person about anything.

I'm glad he was more responsive this time. A skill I quickly picked up was to look at things from both sides. If I were in his shoes, how would I want to be approached? Now how do *i* really feel? Now what's a calm yet honest way to approach him with that?

For me... I journaled a lot when he and I were first together. There I could express all my feelings.. get all the venom out. And then I would approach him with it. Then I was more rational and controlled (yet no less honest! ) in my responses/confrontation/conversation.

In a long term relationship you should be able to express anything to your mate. It isn't what you say... it's HOW you say it. :) I've come a long way in learning to 'fight fair', which isn't generally 'fighting' anyway.

Aww, dang, you mean I can't call him an A-hole anymore?

Quote:

Originally Posted by althena

I'm glad he was more responsive this time. A skill i quickly picked up was to look at things from both sides. If i were in his shoes, how would i want to be approached? Now how do *i* really feel? Now what's a calm yet honest way to approach him with that?

For me... i journaled a lot when he and i were first together. There i could express all my feelings.. get all the venom out. And then i would approach him with it. Then i was more rational and controlled (yet no less honest!!) in my responses/confrontation/conversation.

In a long term relationship you should be able to express anything to your mate. It isn't what you say... it's HOW you say it. :) i've come a long way in learning to 'fight fair', which isn't generally 'fighting' anyway.

A journal is a great idea! Then I can take out my anger on the journal rather than my husband. I did yell at him a lot yesterday, but my blood just started boiling after a while.

And your last paragraph there, was awesome! 'fight fair' and its not generally 'fighting'... that is great!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_3_39.gifI envision you twenty years down the road, you and hubby on the porch drinking iced-tea and remembering the good times and the bad.

It's a long hard journey we all embark on, some of us wind up alone, some of us bond and have that chance to 'live happily ever after'. It's mostly in our hands.

Love and hugs to you..

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif