I hope you keep working, and he gets it, and starts being a man. Time and work does wonders if you both are willing. Much Luck!!

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

I don't blame myself - anymore. I know that HE did this - not me. He is doing what he needs to do to make this right. He goes to counseling. He opens up. He does make the effort.

And the trust issues - I am fully aware of what you are saying. The wound is still there. It wasn't just erased by deciding to work this out. Some days this whole mess feels like a lifetime ago, when in reality it was just a few short months. So, if you want to know if I trust him yet - the answer is NO. I would be lying if I said that I don't think about everything you just detailed. But, isn't that the healing process? Does it just go away? I don't think so. Trust has to be earned. And he is doing what he needs to do to earn the trust. But - it does take time. In time, I think the trust will return. The doubts will go away. Will it be or is it easy? No, of course not. But, we are working on it.

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Ya know, the term "once a cheater, always a cheater" isn't always necessarily true. I've cheated on an ex, would I ever cheat again? H*ll no! I saw what it did to him and I'd never want to do it to someone again, also, I was cheated on by two ex bf's (that I know of) and I know what it did to me.
Also, I think there's a fine line between dumping the cheater or staying with them. I think, honestly, if my boyfriend ever cheated on me, it would depend on the situation though, that I might stay with him... It's a tricky situation though. Cause like you said, you said "I Do" and it meant forever,you're not about to back down (something along those lines anyway.. close enough) But let's just say that one night my boyfriend ended up messing around with another woman, came right to me and told me about it and he was honestly, sincerely sorry, crying, and whatnot, and that he'd make an honest effort to regain my trust and prove to me how sorry he was and that he'd never do it again then yes, maybe I'd stay with him. But then if he cheated again... I'd be gone... No doubt about it.
I don't know. All I know is that there would be a lot of factors to look at, a lot of trust to be earned and a lot of memories to push back far into your head to make it work.

I just really truly hope that I never have to deal with this.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

Everything inside me said I needed to stay. Once the anger was gone - or not so upfront - I could not imagine my life with out him in it. I don't know how to NOT love him. I don't know how to get through a day with out him.
I talked to God ALOT and I feel like this is where I am supposed to be.

It isn't what most people would do. It isn't something most can understand. I get that. But, this is what is working for me. If it backfires - well, what can I say - shame on me?
Like I said, I am not going to live that way. I made a choice, and I am living with that choice - Happily.

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Glad to hear you say you're not trying to handle this alone because you've spoken to God a lot. Keep doing that. Even when you think he isn't listening or not around, because he always is. And pray that you do God's will and not your own. Wishing you the best.

Thank you so much. When I saw a message popped up on this thread - I was waiting to be blasted for my decision. So, thank you for your kind words. :)

I give you a lot of props for trying to work things out. I've always thought that getting back with someone who cheated on you was like putting a broken glass together- the cracks are still there. But maybe it's different once you've been married and have had children together. Hopefully this time around you don't look foolish and it works out for the best. I'm curious to know though, has he completely eliminated this woman out of his life?

Yes. She is gone. They no longer work together.
To say that it isn't hard to get past something like this would be lying. I have my days where I let insecurities in - but it is getting better.

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Originally Posted by NowWhat

My husband and I have been together for over 12 years/married for 11. we have a young child. I have been at home with our child all of her life.
About 2 years ago, I found out the he was having an affair. He said that it never turned physical. If nothing else, it was an emotional affair. Well, I took him back. He begged me stay and acknowledged that he messed up. I told him that there were certain things I needed from him in order for this to work. And for a while, things got so much better. I actually caught myself saying to a friend that maybe the affair was a blessing in disguise because we were closer than ever.
About 6 months ago, our lives began to fall apart. Lack of communication, compassion, etc.
Well, earlier this month, I found out he was still having an affair with this person and it has been going on for 3 years! I was shocked and devastated.
I knew we had some issues, but I never anticipated this. Especially after he saw what he did to me the first time around.
Let me say, that I love my husband. I love my family that we have built together.
I am having a real difficult time dealing with the betrayal and all of the emotions that come with something like this.
Unexpectedly, I am also having trouble letting go of this man that I have loved for most of my adult life. A HUGE part of me wants to try and get through this together. I just don't have any clue of how to do that. I just know that it is almost impossible to imagine my daily life with out him in it.
I guess my question is this...
Is there anyone out there that has been in my shoes and has seen the other side of this? Have you been able to keep your marriage in tact? If so, HOW DID YOU DO IT? I have so many questions for my husband - I need full disclosure to even determine if this relationship can be saved - I just don't know what the right questions are.
Can you ever truly trust again?

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I read your question today and I realize it was more than year ago ,I am in similar situation Iam tormented and confused and do not know what to do,I wanted to know which path did you choose and what made you choose it and how are you doing after a year or so...

The path I chose was to stick with it. IT is a hard road. I am not going to sit here and say that it is not hard, that everything is roses all the time. It's not.
It does get easier though.
I had to set some ground rules as to what I expected from him if we were going to work this out. Things like calling me to let me know when he was on his way home. If he is going to be late - I expect a call. Common courtesy things.
I don't want to police him - but I expect certain things. He is not a talker - but rather than him just sitting there and not saying anything - we have to communicate.

Why, you ask, did I choose this? Well, for starters, I have a child with this man. We have a family. My daughter is extremely close with her father. It would have destroyed her world if we had broken up. It would have changed her forever.
Also, I love this man. I made a vow to him for better or worse. I, obviously, hate what he did. But, I could not imagine my life with out him in it. I had to decide what I could live with. Could I live with the knowledge of what he did? Was it going to hurt less by leaving? Could I live with knowing that, by leaving, my child's life is forever changed? The fact is whether I stayed or left - I was still going to hurt. I chose to stay and fight for my marriage and my family.

Trust takes time to build back. It is a long road, but I think I made the right choice for me and my family. A lot of people don't agree with my choice because they think I have set myself up to fail, to go through this hell again. It almost killed me, literally. I could not function. Everyone knows that if it does happen again - I may not survive. But I can't live like that. I could die tomorrow - who knows. I am not going to live my life on the "what if's". I am controlling my today.

My husband has made the effort. He does everyday. We have made changes in our life. We are happy. I didn't think I would ever say that again when I posted this over a year ago. But I am GLAD I stayed. It is what worked for me.

I know what you are feeling. It is a terrible, awful feeling. I don't wish it on anyone.

You have to decide what you can live with. Decide if there is anything there left to save. Decide what you want in order to move forward - if that is the direction you go.
Someone may ask you if you think you can ever trust him again. And to be honest, I think that is an impossible to answer right now. Because it seems like you never will - but trust does come back. Not over night. Not in a month. But it does come back little by little.

I don't want you to think that I don't think about the affair or that I have completely put it out of my mind - it isn't so in my face all the time. But every once in a while - my insecurities get the better of me. I will sometimes have nightmares about it happening again. I don't think that is abnormal. Sometimes I need reassuring and that is okay.
But that pain that feels like it is crushing your heart - it does go away.

Thank you so much for your answer yes it is tough but I feel I am much tooo strong to let it pull me down.. the pain is there but its like I do not allow it to linger too long I think think non stop as you say there are others who will be hurt if I take any drastic decisions .its all putting everything in perspective isn't it?
I have been married for 30 years I have three daughters and a son they are still at home studying and working and they are all A students basically I am very proud and greatfull to have them ,
He on the other hand blew it all away by his deed now all are sad and upset ,I was shatered when I found that he has been unfaithful and one thing in my life I never tolerate is betrayel
I cut anyone short the minute I see that . But now I see it in him and I find it difficult to apply the same.
Yes love is strange it doesn't die that fast... I don't know if I still love him tough I am frozen I just think and act with my head now no more listening to my heart...
I will see how it goes but th ewound is new although I suspected him for more ths two years I found the whole truth just 2 weeks ago
Mhe is sorry he cries he begs he says don't leave me how pathetic is this the man I loved??

I didn't get a chance to read through all the other answers, but here's mine. I think it's your marriage too. Right now, the ball is in your court. It isn't a decision anyone can make for you, and I'm sure there are people out there who have been in similar situations and made it work. But they're not you. You have to do what's best for you and your child. You know better than I do what is best for you and your child, but as my mother put it when my parents went through a divorce, it is better for your child to see you being a strong woman. You don't want her seeing a broken relationship, you want her to be able to see how a real relationship should work. Not a father who cheats and a mother who rolls over and accepts it. Now you gave him a chance already and he blew it. It is up to you to decide if you want to take the risk of staying with him. He may wind up coming clean and he may not. Nobody knows, perhaps not even him. Both of you deserve for you to be in an honest, trusting caring relationship. Decide if you think you can have one with him again. And remember, while you are deciding on your next move, you have to keep in mind what he will do. Make sure you know (as sure as possible) whether he is willing to make it work to. You can't just decide to make it work on your own and then work to make it happen. If he doesn't work on it too, it will never materialize. You know what kind of man he is better than any of us. Will he ever cheat on you again?

Once you answer that question, you can make the decision that's right for you and your daughter. You both deserve happiness. Ask yourself how that is best acquired.

Best of luck

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Originally Posted by smokedetector

I didn't get a chance to read through all the other answers, but here's mine. I think it's your marriage too. Right now, the ball is in your court. It isn't a decision anyone can make for you, and I'm sure there are people out there who have been in similar situations and made it work. But they're not you. You have to do what's best for you and your child. You know better than I do what is best for you and your child, but as my mother put it when my parents went through a divorce, it is better for your child to see you being a strong woman. You don't want her seeing a broken relationship, you want her to be able to see how a real relationship should work. Not a father who cheats and a mother who rolls over and accepts it. Now you gave him a chance already and he blew it. It is up to you to decide if you want to take the risk of staying with him. He may wind up coming clean and he may not. Nobody knows, perhaps not even him. Both of you deserve for you to be in an honest, trusting caring relationship. Decide if you think you can have one with him again. And remember, while you are deciding on your next move, you have to keep in mind what he will do. Make sure you know (as sure as possible) whether he is willing to make it work to. You can't just decide to make it work on your own and then work to make it happen. If he doesn't work on it too, it will never materialize. You know what kind of man he is better than any of us. Will he ever cheat on you again?

Once you answer that question, you can make the decision that's right for you and your daughter. You both deserve happiness. Ask yourself how that is best acquired.

Best of luck

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I am sorry, I don't know if this response is for me - or the person that kind of re-opened this thread.

My husband and I are working through this and are actually in a good place now.

I'm coming up on a year since I found out from someone else that my husband had been telling everyone that he was going to divorce me. That's when I found out about his emotional affair with two (or more?) women on the internet! He was sending them money and talking long distance on the phone with them. We ended up with a $900 phonebill! Ohmigosh! I was so hurt and so blind to have not seen all the signs. Distancing, mean words, not sleeping in the bed with me. He had a physical affair with someone else about a month later! I didn't find out about it until quite a while later! They even had sex in our home! I fully understand the harsh reality of the pain, sadness, anger, disgust, the whole comglomerate of emotions that come with discovering that the man you gave so much of your life to (me - 15 years this past July) and have faithfully given your love to, feels! I tried to keep our marriage intact by continuing to live with him, but I finally had to move out because his actions were destroying me, mentally, physically, and emotionally. You have to take care of you, he won't - he didn't, you have to really get inside your own head and determine what you want to do, you can't do what people say you should do, it has to be your own decision, nobody else. That is where I am as I write this, wrestling with the decision of staying married or getting a divorce. Good luck and may God bless you and give you the strength and courage you need to survive this devastating blow to your life.

Can I ask (if you still check this) how are things going now?