Comment on QLP's post

No we havint, I have talked and he says there is no changing him its me who has to change , that is what's killing us he won't admit tohimself he was wronge, I have tried to explaine that we can't go back as if cercom stances are the same nothig chag

Comment on DoulaLC's post

He fell back to sleep , bigtime, there is going to be no change on his part , so maybe I have no choice , there is no compramise with him , his way or no way it looks like,

Comment on Homegirl 50's post

Not going back, its is and was a never ending circle for 17 years, he doesint want us bad anough to want to change ,so not much love there, thanks

Sorry to hear it. I would tell him that it is unfortunate that he doesn't realize that a marriage takes both people working together, and that it sometimes means compromising.

Decide what you need and want from him and the relationship, then decide if he is able to fulfill at least most of those things.

Perhaps you have outgrown how the relationship started, while he is still content to keep it as it has been. You want a partnership, where you feel your opinions, feelings, and thoughts count and where you both take into account the needs of the other person. Tell him what you need and want and that now the ball is in his court.

If he wants to remain married and is willing to work together to make things better, great. If he isn't willing to put forth some effort on a regular basis (even small steps count), then you may have to make a tough decision.

Sometimes being separated for a time (doesn't have to be divorce) can help both people discover what really matters to them and whether the relationship means enough to them at this point to work at it.

Look for little ways where he does make an effort... it may not be as grand as you would like, or as fast as you would like, but try not to overlook any small steps that show he really does want things to work.

You have had time to think about all of this, he may just be really seeing how serious you are for the first time and needs to catch up a bit, while still saving face.

Only you can tell whether it you see any effort and will it be enough to keep you in the marriage.

Bluntness that will come off as harsh

I just want to point out that I think you missed the small concessions he made by his apology, by the stubbornness that followed. You seem to think change is something that will come with a few conversations, or one pleasant evening. It won't, seldom has, and not with a couple of tipsy adults.

Learn when to back of,f why don't you, and take smaller bites of the problem, chew it, and let it go down, instead of trying to gulp the whole thing in one bite. That's what you are choking on now. Too much, too fast, crash and burn! Instead of getting all wrapped up in YOUR feelings of the moment, and pay attention, you would have taken him home, and had monkey sex while it was hot, and let the warm fuzzies engulf you.

Change is a process, and not an event, and if you see this as changing flour, to cake then you would recognize the important thing is not to throw things together, but take each step, mix things just right, and progress. To the final stage. You can't even get the ingredients in the bowl, before you stick it in the oven to bake.

Get over your feelings, and stop being carried away by your disappointment, that you didn't get all you want after one lousy date. Your supposed to enjoy it, and plan another, and not just quit because it got screwed up by the one extra glass of wine, or whatever you were drinking. Not just you, both of you! And don't try to tell me he was drinking, and you were NOT!!

The idea that he won't change, and you won't unless he does, is absolutely absurd! If you wanted to change you would do it whether he does or not! No wonder there is such a disconnect because neither of you knows how to drive the car. And you fight over who is better.

I may not know either of you, but I recognize kids competing for the top spot, who don't know how to take turns through proper communicating, because neither has any skills at talking, and listening, because you both are to stubborn to give an inch. Or there is something preventing you both from working together, that's a HUGE factor that you have not bothered to mention.

I don't know, but I can smell it. Is it IMPATIENCE? DENIAL?? UNRESOLVED RESENTMENTS!!

All the above, and then some??

It could take years to unravel your mess and have a resolution, and one freaking day ain't NOTHING!! Either you are in it for the long run, or you ain't.

ERROR: You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again.
Yep... 17 years of the same dance steps won't change quickly. Too often the small attempts are overlooked.

Bridge,

He isn't trying to change when he continues to make statement that it isn't his fault and he doesn't need to change. I would simply explain to him that as soon as he gets off his high horse and realizes it takes two to keep a marriage together or break it up!!

You need to continue with your counseling. It gives you a place to go and talk things through without argument!! Also keep in mind that unless he is willing to go forward by acknowledging his part in the down fall of your marriage that you are not going to allow the back and forth stuff.

You have to worry about yourself and your children. Im sure they don't want to hear all the verbal yelling and bickering between you.

Stick to your guns, I wish you the best--take care

Thank you compromising he won't do, I have asked him to meet me half way ,NO, HE Won't, I know he said sorry for xmas , but he has done very little else. I not looking for grand just what I said, to be treated fairly, and I am still at counceling ,

Then you are doing what you can do. Acknowledge any attempts, however small, on his part to make an effort if/when he may show any. Continue the counseling for yourself to continue moving forward with regaining your sense of self and well-being. Focus on your kids, spend time with family and friends.

At some point you may have to decide when enough is enough if things don't show improvement with your efforts.
He may come round when if he realizes what it will mean to his marriage and family, he may not.

TALANIMAN, thank you for your bluntness, but first let me tell you NO I did not and did not have any intention of having sex, second , NO I was not tipsy,drunk or even merry , he was tipsy because he is not a regular drinker, we EAT, PLAYED POOL AND DARTS , not gulping drink, we were drinking larger me half he pints, there was no too much crash and burn, there was NO arguments I DID NOT ROAR SHOUT , I am still at counceling EVERY WEEK, he says he is only there for me and this week he is not going, I AM , I have told him that weather he changes OR NOT I am, and I was delighted were went for a walk yes a simple walk , then we went home to our 4 kids I made TEA , NOT WINE, and he played hide and seek with our younger wains, we huged good night , or first in 5 months, so was that to rushed, and HE has said he won't change over and over again, I said it is the sercomstances that has to change or there is no going back, as in there is no future for us unless we BOTH change , I never said I won't change I am and I have and I am continuly changing , but unless he makes the effort NOTHING CHANGES , WITH OR WITHOUT HIM I AM CONTINULY GOING TO SEE THE COUNCELER, I have talked NEVER IN THE 5 ,6 MONTHS HAVE I HAD ARGUMENT WITH HIM he has tried to get many started. Talking is what I do until I was pushed into a corner by him before he went it was my last straw, and believe me I never want to go back there, I am NOT stuborn when it comes to my marriage , I have done every thing in my power to get us on track with COMUNICATION, my husband is so so sure in his mind that he is in NO way wronge , and he insistes he WILL NOT CHANGE he says he loves me so so much but that it is my fault and that's that , yes I argued with him for 3 months for him to take some responsabilty, I was at the end of the rope , and if you new me YES I CAN BE THE Business WOMAN , but I am allso a mum and a wife and every thing was left to me and no it is not me being stuborn ,it is me looking for my husband to be FAIR , I don't want a big house, car money, I WNT SOME ONE WHO TAKES some RESPONSABILTY, were is that me being childish, and yes I have PATIENCE, AND YES I AM TRYING SO HARD NOT TO THROW IN THE TOWEL, but as the counceler told him he has to stop sitting back and do nothing, he is acting like he has the devine right to say and do WHATEVER SUITS HIM AND no that's no it he wants it he puts the evert in TO , I have told him let the past go and start new beginnings, but he won't be anyway happy until he has me were he wants me , and him having his way over EVERY THING, AND DENIAL I HAVE DENIED NOTHING I HAVE BEEN HONEST AND TRUE I have nothing to hide I fauhgt with my husband right or wronge and for every bad word to him I have apologise , he has denide any way form or shape he was wronge , until christmass, and I said then by him doing that he was changing, so yes I do give credit were due, but if you broke a finger tonight, it would be my fault,in his eyes, and I make him laugh and he laughs outloud at me I don't take myself serously, and I don't expect every thing now , but I do expect to be treated fairly,, so sorry this is long but no were are not mad drinkers we know it is going to take time and yes I take every little thing he does good and cherish it , and I love hime just as much as he loves me but it is so frustrating when he acts like a huffy child after so much good was acheaved, its soul destroying when I see him so negative when he could have so much with effort, so don't think I hold any resentment as I don't , but I do get annoyed when a man says he wants something and won't lift a finger unless I make the first effort, and I think too much of myself to just have [MONKEY SEX never heard that one before.] its not about missing the sex , its about coming this far and putting the time into getting it right,

Thank you I do all you say I have good family and friends I work I don't go out at night , because I do have 4 kids who we both love so much, but I do think anough is coming very closs as its to hurting to let him into my heart , just for him to trass it

Thank u, yes I have said it will only work if two puts the effort in, but n.o he says its up to me , then I think he can't want it anough,I am still at counclin.and will continu, and there is no arguing now as I won't go there,I don't think he cares anth

Sorry don't no what the error means.. I don't over look anything small he just hasint done much only say he is not going to change and the thing he has done I apprecate, and it works both ways sometimes and that is a no no,

You know your situation better than we do and you know your husband.
If you have taken all you can and if he is not willing to try, then you do what you need to do. Keep up with your counseling for you.
He may one day come to a realization of what went wrong or he may never do it, but you don't have to hang around and wait when he tells you he's not going to change.
I wish you well.

Threads merged

Hi there I wrote before about my separation, we are now apart 6 months we are going to counceling ,and we are a wee bit better , I have got so much out of it, he still is so so so determined he is right and has nothing to take responsabillity for, I now wonder was I so so so wronge to expect him to what I expected from a husband and that he had the right to no what I expected him to no, it is hard to write down what I mean , but I thought I was right and he was wronge but now I realise he was wrong and I was worse to expect him to do the right thing in my mind, I was handeling things so so bad, that I was driving him away , and now I realised I was egnoring him so much and if not egnoring him by being on my laptop of watching the soaps , I was rowing ha ha I mean fighting with him, some of yous didn't no what I meant rowing,, but he is so so scared to break down his wall now , and he is so down and sad , I am so so so so sorry I hurt him by my words , I love him and he loves me and we are trying to make it work , but for every step forward there is 2 steps back, but he is worth every step , and this has been the hardest lesson I have ever in my life learnt , that I was right and he was wronge , in my mind , and NO I was not totally wronge , but I was so so wrong in my behavior and way of dealing with all our troubles, I roared fought, and just pushed him further and further away, and now it is just awfull to see my big strong man hurt so much he is scared to let a brick fall from the wall that protects him , I have got him back in patchis but it goes right back when he is not with me, how can I get him back , how can I trust him to see me they way he did , he is there behind the wall and I just can reach him sometimes, how do I get him to trust me again, I have wrote this from my heart so I can't make sense to explane it properly,

While it is admirable for you to realise and understand your part in the relationship and how it came to be where it is, he still needs to take responsibility for his involvement, or lack there of.

Only you know if you went over the top with how you handled your frustration and anger, but he still needs to be able to make the attempt at setting things right as well.

Good to hear the counseling is beneficial to you. It sounds like it took a long time to get where you both are, it will take time to get where you want to be.

Keep going, stay focused on what is important, as he sees more and more the effort you are making to setting things right, hopefully that will enable him to be more willing to let his guard down and do more of the same.

Fingers crossed!

Thank you doulalc, he is still not seeing how he was wronge ,but he is opening up bit by bit, and I hope I don't sound like I am giving in, but I can see more of how he is protecting himself, I was in a very very bad place ,and he was egnoring it as he didn't want to see it as he has always relied on me to be the strong one , and I don't want to be anymore , I am tired of it , he does need to take half of it of me and I need to let go of it as I have been the responsible one for so long it was and is hard , I want so much to change and be less forcefull and indapendent , I am trying and I do believe he is to, in smaller ways as he really believes he did no wronge , but there is no going back to how it was, thnk you,

Time and love will bring his walls down. I think YOU are coming along nicely though. But then I have faith in YOU.

Thanks to you.s,

Update.. we went swimming today with kidds , he was up this morning , so full of life, he is coming back SLOWLY , me and kidds of to family for a night, he is slowly, slowly, coming back, though he knows I want fairness, but,

Communication, understanding, acceptance, and patience...

Patience is something I will have to learn m SLOWLY. THANKS,