Ask Me Help Desk - Confused after being cheated on

Quote:

Originally Posted by SVImager

I think this is the answer to why Passion for each other dies after a few years of marriage. So, yes it was a Game when you are trying to date someone... so why does it have to end after kids. So the wife buys some sexy stuff (which appeals visually for him) and what is the husband to do... wear some sexy stuff??? I would if it works but women don't operate on the visual. That is why you can have Big Belly Men at a basketball game displaying themselves and dancing with confidence and women are going crazy... haha, I don't know if this is true, but you don't see women with big hairy belly dancing at a basketball game and guys would be cheering for them.

Ok I have more questions than answers.
I don't know the answers, I am just on a path to seeking answers... this is only what I know so far.

Men are visual, Women are not.
Therefore, the game is played very differently from differing points of view.

I don't know that passion dies - I think it becomes something deeper but I found that while there are moments when sex is consoling or reassuring or just plain feels good, there are/were times when it is still pure animal passion.

My husband and I would be out somewhere, often with friends, and he would give me what I called "the look" across the room, sort of a looking me up and down and narrowing his eyes and I knew we were right back where we started - at least for that night.

Maybe not everyone maintains that high level of physical attraction but I found it was always there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I believe you said your wife cheated with a neighbor/friend. How do you handle that? How does his wife handle that? Sounds like a constant reminder and I wonder how you work that out.

Josh, is a serial Cheater and a master gamer.
I had to learn the Game, so I can understand what he did.

Josh is about 47 years old. There were about 12 families in this neighborhood of 200 that were in this circle of friends. I was a very friendly guy, I knew many of my neighbors... at least 25%.
He has football watching party every Sunday in his garage with Two big screen TVs on NFL ticket. Sometime it is steak or hot dogs or Gumpo, etc. He would also arrange for the annual Cabo trip, which he owns like 5 time shares. And he has a Home base business that he claims to be very successful and my wife wouldn't have to work outside of home ever.
Some of the other families would throw, X-mas parties, Halloween Parties, Trip to Race Track, Las Vegas Trip, New Year's Party, Birthdays, etc. Just a lot of drinking. Josh and 4 other neighbors and I even hiked down the Grand Canyon. As luck would have it, He and I got separated from the rest of the group and I got him out of the Canyon. He was really out of shape for this. A month after the Grand Canyon trip I found out about the affair.

Basically, we are not friends with these other 12 families anymore.
Their attitude is more of... let's not deal with their personal issues and be in the circle.

From his last neighborhood, he had 4 housewives.
From my neighborhood, he had 5 housewives.
His MO... is to target weak Type B personality Husbands with slim blond wife.
After the Affair with my wife, Josh got another housewife with a weak husband... it is still a secret.
Three month ago he divorced his 4th wife. She was still married to her first husband when they started an affair.
Just a month ago, another neighbor (in the circle and was at the Grand Canyon trip) found out his wife cheated on him with Josh.

People say it is 50/50... not all Josh's fault, but these people just don't know how the game is played.

I handle it by knowing I am going to be the thorn in their life when they see me. I know he will self-destruct.

Quote:

Originally Posted by soccer99

No, I don't think she has a drinking problem. We are together all week and I think I would know. It is common for us to have drinks on the weekend or a glass of wine during the week. I just think the drunk part might have been the difference between acting or not acting that night. I think there was a problem before that night. She says she is not sure how long she has felt in this funk. I am not sure if it is that the honeymoon has gone away??? Or b/c she grew up with seperated parents that she figures this will happen?? A year ago she wanted to start having kids??? Now many of her friends have had their first kids or are pregnant. She met some new friends who are all single or just dating. She is a couple of years younger than me. Is it to early for her to be going through some mid-life crisis??

Once a person cheats on you things will never be the same. I hope that your situation will be different than most. One looses total trust in in a partner even though some of us would like to think that it was a one time deal. I do believe that some mistakes could be forgiven but cheating (unfaithfulness) in a marriage, never. Just because one is in a (funk) does not mean that you should sleep with another man. As drunk as your wife was she appears to have remembered that she slept with someone else. I thought that mid life was still mid life. She is too young to be going through this. You are forgiving now, but will you be able to totally erase this incident from your mind. In my country we have a saying, (once a cheater always a cheater). All of us have been there at one time or another. Love can be blind. I wish you all the best

Quote:

Originally Posted by SVImager

People say it is 50/50... not all Josh's fault, but these people just don't know how the game is played.

I handle it by knowing I am going to be the thorn in their life when they see me. I know he will self-destruct.

Maybe its easier for you to think in terms of the affair being totally "Josh's" fault with no fault on the part of your wife.

I think it takes two people.

Unless he hit her with a stun gun I find her 50% at fault - maybe he's a charmer, maybe he's not. I don't know. I've met plenty of charmers in my life, some of them extremely wealthy, some of them intriguing, many of them what you would term "dangerous." I never cheated with any of them.

This discussion has gone on on this board before - the man was married. Why would your wife have sex with another woman's husband? (I believe this is the reverse of the question you are asking about the man's relationship with your wife.)

This man offered your wife something that she either wanted or needed - I don't know what it is. Maybe you know, maybe you don't. I'm sure she knows. Whether she tells you, that's another story.

If your philosophy as you have expressed it gives you peace, then that it works for you, your wife and your marriage.

I would think if you ARE at peace with the situation you would not be on AMHD posting about it - but perhaps posting about it is what gives you peace.

Yes, I know my wife had a choice & is partially at fault... not just Josh... that is why he is still alive. Scary huh? I had a lot of rage in me. Good thing my Pastor was available to see me in such short notice.

Yes, I do understand Cheating is a symptom of something that is wrong in our relationship. Josh smelled it & hooked on to it.

I was at peace until I heard the news of another husband (a month ago) finding out his wife is cheating with Josh. Josh even have a few neighbors defending him. I was going to fire off an email, but thought what good would it do, these people will still believe what they believe.

So, I write in here to vent. The email I written is tucked away as draft. I keep my honor.

Is it in the gene or is it taught from what is seen as a child?

Either way my wife has it bad from both cheating parents & incest.

My template is just as bad. Parent yelling the hell out of each other over the littliest things, but always stayed together.

Josh offered my wife everything even a job that she can stay at home & security. I know his game. An unwitting husband & a dissatisfied wife in a brief troubled period of a marriage & a bunch of empty promises is no match for his Masterfully played games.