Ask Me Help Desk - Betrayed

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I need to work on myself esteem.
I have been having a very strange year after almost losing my marriage of 23 years.
This took me very hard much to my own surprise as I always seen myself as strong and able to cope with anything. I thought that my relationship was rock solid with my husband and that we would get through everything life threw at us together.
Looking back I can see clearly that things weren't quite so wonderful, I had just become very comfortable in our family way of life. In many ways we were just roomates and the bickering arguments were maybe just too frequent. It seems that we were both sending out messages to each other and we weren't really paying attention to what the other was saying.
Neither of us were tough enough to confront these problems.
Then I was slammed with a 50 tonn ball in the face ! (during another of these small irritable arguments) he served me the all too famous line " I need to get out I need space, something died along the way... I knew it wasn't him speaking. Either he had been reading something or he had heard this from someone else. After 23 years there is a lot you know about your partner. I knew this was not his typical way of speaking.
After some snooping, I found the proof of the cntact with his X. An x from his home town. This was hot! Almost like he had moved back in time and acting like a smitten teenage lovesick pup.
I confronted him and he denied!! Well I produced the proof and he had to admit. He was furious with me. Told me that he didn't think that this could be repaired etc etc.
He was standing his ground, he wanted out. I was devastated I wanted him to stay.
My world vanished from beneath me.
Eventually I had had enough and I asked him to chose and leave. He left. Came back 6 hours later. Said he had nowhere to go. Said he wanted to try again, he thinks!
At that point I should have turned him around and told him to leave, of course, like many others I didn't. I only told him that if he was staying there was only room for two in this relationship.
From that day our relationship as it was ended. It could never be the same again. Suddenly there is an introduction of fear, doubt, uncertainty, deceit, secretiveness and the fact that you have to take a long hard look at yourself and see where you have contributed to the breakup. After 23 years I couldn't let him take 100% of the blame. Although talking might have been a better solution than cheating.
I also knew that it would take some time for him to get over what he started. In many ways I was OK with that as I wanted him too to get this out of his system. ( I should have told him that, I didn't ) Anyway I know that this went on for at least 6 months it's only now after 13 months that I feel that her presence doesn't take up his time. His attitude has changed and he seems a lot more comfortable.
I have been running after him hand and foot treating him like a king. This is the Gods honest truth. We have had very few arguments and there is harmony in the house. I never ask questions and I bite my tongue if I feel insecure.
This has led to me feeling like a doormat, but at least the past 2 months have changed and he has slowly began to help with some housework again.
I know I should feel happy but I feel drained.
I have been keeping fit and kept up hobbies trying to keep myself preservation. It's hard.

I notice that when I pull back in my relationship my husband does make more of an effort . This is good and I believe our relationship will survive.
It depends of course on the fact that I can get rid of this hurt and to some degree anger that I have put a lid on.
I know that I have felt some feelings of jealousy when I think about the exchange of letters etc. What was said between them etc. I know they talked badly about me in the beginning and that hurt so much. I am not a bad person and nobody should ever cheat on their wives and make then look evil for their reasons of infidelity.
If my husband had asked me to be friends with this other woman before he took contact I would have had no problem with that. But this has never been an issue he has never asked for that. He never will, that I am sure of and anyway I could never be friends with her now. The damage is too deep. I can forgive her but friendship would be more than I can tolerate. I dread the thought of visiting my inlaws.
He will never discuss this and even if he did I don't think that this would be a solution.
I think that once you have been hurt, no amount of talking will ever really get to the point you want to get to.
You really just have to put it all behind you and see this relationship as ended or a new one is starting.
There are many good things about this new start. I just need to work more on myself esteem. My confidence is completely shattered. I really don't know who I am at the moment.
I think by facing these feelings I can get through this. But I really need help . It helps hearing what others have done in similar situations.
This is taking up too much of my thoughts and making me deparately unhappy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by runrunrun

After 23 years there is a lot you know about your partner. I knew this was not his typical way of speaking.
After some snooping, I found the proof of the cntact with his X. An x from his home town. This was hot! Almost like he had moved back in time and acting like a smitten teenage lovesick pup.
I confronted him and he denied!! Well I produced the proof and he had to admit. He was furious with me. Told me that he didn't think that this could be repaired etc etc.
He was standing his ground, he wanted out. I was devastated I wanted him to stay.
My world vanished from beneath me.

Co-dependency.

Quote:

I have been running after him hand and foot treating him like a king. This is the Gods honest truth. We have had very few arguments and there is harmony in the house. I never ask questions and I bite my tongue if I feel insecure.
This has led to me feeling like a doormat, but at least the past 2 months have changed and he has slowly began to help with some housework again.
I know I should feel happy but I feel drained.

Your are a doormat. He cheated and got off easy, in fact he's being treated like a king.

Newsflash sweetheart, he's supposed to be making up to you.

This guy is just manipulating you. 23 year marriage or not I doubt he loves you.

Quote:

I think that once you have been hurt, no amount of talking will ever really get to the point you want to get to.
You really just have to put it all behind you and see this relationship as ended or a new one is starting.

Looks like buddy already put it behind him.

So you just want to pretend as if this has never happened? Hope you know that won't work.

Go to counseling. Really, the counselor will give you both tools to help repair this marriage.

My has been cheated on me. Through all those hookup sex sites- it was a great feeling, used one of our photos as a profile picture with me cropped off. Lovely.

I tried the counseling. I never got over it. I felt like poop. Like I wasn't good enough.

Needless to say I moved on and am hell of a lot better off than I would be if I were still trying to repair whatever that thing was .

I think you need space. Time alone.

Sometimes you have to get back to see how much sh-t you were just stepping on.

After having some alone time AND counseling, you'll be able to figure out a heck of a lot more clearly if this is worth fighting for or not.

... that's just my opinion.

Good luck.

Sarah

Quote:

Originally Posted by mudweiser

Co-dependency.

Your are a doormat. He cheated and got off easy, in fact he's being treated like a king.

Newsflash sweetheart, he's supposed to be making up to you.

This guy is just manipulating you. 23 year marriage or not I doubt he loves you.

Looks like buddy already put it behind him.

So you just want to pretend as if this has never happened? Hope you know that won't work.

Go to counseling. Really, the counselor will give you both tools to help repair this marriage.

My hasbeen cheated on me. Through all those hookup sex sites- it was a great feeling, used one of our photos as a profile picture with me cropped off. Lovely.

I tried the counseling. I never got over it. I felt like poop. Like I wasn't good enough.

Needless to say I moved on and am hell of a lot better off than I would be if I were still trying to repair whatever that thing was .

I think you need space. Time alone.

Sometimes you have to get back to see how much sh-t you were just stepping on.

After having some alone time AND counseling, you'll be able to figure out a heck of a lot more clearly if this is worth fighting for or not.

...that's just my opinion.

Good luck.

Sarah

Thank you for your heartfelt reply I know you mean well and what you are saying really does make sense... for those of you who are reading... listen to her.

I am just not there yet! I know what it takes, I know what is right and wrong but I have just lost my parents and another loss right now is too much to handle.
At least staying gets me out, I make the effort . If I moved into a little apartment I would probably be happy to sit alone in the dark. My thoughts would cripple me.
As long as I feel that there is hope here unfortunately I will work on that. My vows said in sickness and in health... I wish I had read the small print in that contract before I said " I do"

If he is treating me like a doormat then one day that too can turn around.
People say patience serves you well... well I'm laughing because mine is really debatable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by runrunrun

I am just not there yet! I know what it takes, I know what is right and wrong but I have just lost my parents and another loss right now is too much to handle.

You'll lose yourself. I can assure you of that. Perhaps you already have.

I am most sure that your parents would want you to be happy-- not in this kind of marriage when your being treated like a second class citizen.

Quote:

At least staying gets me out, I make the effort . If I moved into a little apartment I would probably be happy to sit alone in the dark. My thoughts would cripple me.

Sitting around is what kills you darlin'. First thing I did was join the gym. You need to go to counseling, get exercise [it releases endorphins, which are chemicals that make you happy and believe me you need as many of those little guys that you can get right now].

Staying there will only drain you dead. You'll start hating him, if you already don't, soon enough you won't be able too look at yourself in the mirror or recognize the person looking back at you.

Quote:

As long as I feel that there is hope here unfortunately I will work on that. My vows said in sickness and in health... I wish I had read the small print in that contract before I said " I do"

If he is treating me like a doormat then one day that too can turn around.
People say patience serves you well... well I'm laughing because mine is really debatable.

Vows smows. No use in sayin' 'em if your going to be a jacka$$ to your wife. What are you going to do, stand there and take the beating because of something you said a long time ago. Honestly, put your vows aside. In fact put yourself aside.

If you were someone else and you were to see you in this current position what would you say? Be honest now. No need to reply, just you knowing the answer is enough.

I know when I asked myself that question I said "work things out" when I truly wanted to say "get the F out".

Really look at your user name: runrunrun.

I think you know the answer already.

Sarah

I expect that this should be added to runrunrun's other thread in the Marriage Forum:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/marria...ed-399762.html

After a reply from a previous thread fromMudweiser I have been looking into the term
Co Dependency

Wow! This is something.
In some ways I can relate to this problem but certainly not all points.
However, I really would like to understand this better and if it is a problem for me how the hell do I deal with it?

The best way is with the help of a counselor. Co-dependency is something that is extremely difficult to break on your own because it affects nearly everything you do and your thought processes. You really do need someone who can help you identify even the smallest ways that you enable the other person.

The easiest (painful, but easier than trying to work through it) is one that you haven't been open to and that is leaving him and building a better life for yourself.

I would have to recommend counseling for you myself, as even going back through your whole story, the main theme is FEAR. I realize that you have already suffered losses in your life, but since it not only affects your perspective of things, but your decision making processes as well.

You need some guidance through the process of realistic thinking.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

The best way is with the help of a counselor. Co-dependency is something that is extremely difficult to break on your own because it affects nearly everything you do and your thought processes. You really do need someone who can help you identify even the smallest ways that you enable the other person.

The easiest (painful, but easier than trying to work through it) is one that you haven't been open to and that is leaving him and building a better life for yourself.

It is an option cat but as with most co dependants the fear of being alone is really quite crippling.
To be honest. I am not sure that he is any worse than many out there. He does have bad points, but so do I.
I really have to define whether his faults are so bad to leave him. I don't dislike him, hate him and in addition he is the father of my child. I don't want my problems to inflict on anyone else.
I know my answers will infuriate some readers but picking up and leaving is sometimes bigger than the consequences of doing that.
Please be patient.
The good thing is that advice des help me to see clearer and become stronger. I at least can now voice my opinion when I am displeased.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I would have to recommend counseling for you myself, as even going back thru your whole story, the main theme is FEAR. I realize that you have already suffered losses in your life, but since it not only affects your perspective of things, but your decision making processes as well.

You need some guidance thru the process of realistic thinking.

You could be right.
Counseling is so expensive though.
To be honest I have tried this last year and really I get more help and sense from you guys.
Believe it or not, I am 1000fold better now than I was last year. I really believe that by being able to express my fears and worries here is helping me to the correct actions I need to take.

Quote:

Originally Posted by runrunrun

You could be right.
Councelling is so expensive though.
To be honest i have tried this last year and really i get more help and sense from you guys.
believe it or not, i am 1000fold better now than i was last year. I really believe that by being able to express my fears and worries here is helping me to the correct actions i need to take.

I believe you.

If nothing else, you might want to see what kind of support groups are in your area. A support group might give you more feedback and less feeling of going through it alone. Just being around other people who know what you are going through could be a big help.

If counselling is too expensive, try reading some books. Here is a good list: The Guide to Self-Help Books – Recommended Self-Help Books - Self-Help Book Reviews

I'm sure you can borrow these books from your local library.

You really need to rebuild your self-esteem and confidence.