I think you need to be have a better outlet for your frustrations.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you need to be have a better outlet for your frustrations.

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Right you are Tal.

This is why I have joined an all Women's Gym [I start today]. It's a great gym and cheap too [20$ a month]. I'm excited.

MRS.S

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

Moment of truth: I do want and I don't want to leave this marriage. I do because this relationship is clearly unhealthy, I don't because of financial reasons and the fact that I actually love this man.

I'm just lost!
MRS.S

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I was in a relationship similar to yours. We dated for two years, and throughout it I'd crack jokes about her being dumb, and in return she'd get physical with me. I used to have welts all over my chest from her teeth. It annoyed the hell out of me.

I had to be in the right with her, otherwise, I'd get angry. Once, we went ice-skating, and I'm a hockey fan but not much of a hockey player and when she skated circles around me, I couldn't take it. I was way too critical of her. Anytime she had an idea, I'd shoot it down immediately for no good reason, kind of like your husband "predicting" your failed business venture (I put that in quotes because he made you believe it would fail from the start... so it failed), but I've found when I dated other people that I actually respected, I'm naturally more pleasant. So, that all lead me to the conclusion that me and the ex weren't right for each other, so it could never work.

My ex isn't stupid, but she would believe me when I said she was, she let me have total control over the relationship and that's when I realized how much I enjoy that.

You deserve support and he needs to know this. How you'll get it through to him or if you even should, I have no idea, but it took me nine months of NC to finally get the picture. You probably should just focus on yourself.

I don't think I'd call you stupid- I just think you're in an unfortunate situation. As Tal said, you need to find a better way to vent your frustrations. I don't think it will change.

You're with someone that puts you down and makes you feel weak. A relationship should bring out the best in you and lift you up. This one doesn't. This person infuriates you to the point of putting your hands on him. That's not healthy. Then he retaliates. And then it's a fight.

I'm speaking from personal experience when I tell you that you think that just because you start it that he's justified in continuing it. I disagree and I'll raise you one... I do believe that if he's not now, that he will soon be the one to start the physical fights.

This is an unhealthy situation no matter how you cut it. This man has beat you down emotionally and brainf**d you to that point that you are starting to believe what he says.

You are better than this. I think you are a sassy and intelligent woman. But this type of situation can happen to even the smartest of smart. Intelligence has nothing to do with abuse. The important thing here is your daughter and she doesn't need to be around this.

Mudweiser, I am glad you joined a gym because it's a good way to get rid of build stress and frustration and overall healthy for you.

Mudweizer, you said:

"I've also noticed that now we are starting to get physical; I do admit I hit him, slap him, bite him, pull his hair, shove him or just anything to get him off me [and he doesn't hold back to hit me, pull my hair, or do whatever I did to him"

If this isn't abusive, what the hell is it.

Slapshot_oi, on your post I agreed with you but I met to write in your comment box " glad to hear your point of view and insight" but some how I didn't.

What is today Monday? I am off today.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

mudweizer, you said:

"I've also noticed that now we are starting to get physical; I do admit I hit him, slap him, bite him, pull his hair, shove him or just anything to get him off of me [and he doesn't hold back to hit me, pull my hair, or do whatever I did to him"

If this isnt' abusive, what the hell is it.

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What I was trying to say was he does whatever I do back. He doesn't start it- I realize we are both physical abusers.

Please don't think I'm trying to ignore your advice- I'm taking everyone's advice to heart whether I agree with it or not.

I believe the truth is being told even if I can't see it [since I've been "brain f***].

MRS.S

That's is more of a reason to leave because the two of you get physical with one another and after all a child is in the house, watching your interactions with each other.

Maybe it's all about escalation, that too is an important part of this.

Where arguments started, and were not resolved in a mature, appropriate way and differences were not settled.

Then come the putdowns by him, to control you. If he hits yourself esteem hard enough, you will shut down; he's seen it time and time again.

Then next it comes to physical violence, where he also knows that you are about to lose it. Instead of him stopping, or walking away, or leaving the house for a drive to cool off, he keeps at you and at you, knowing what you are going to do.

Which in turn, gives him license, to give back what you gave him.

I suspect that he has convinced you that YOU start everything. You are responsible for pushing HIS buttons, and he is therefore justified in retaliation. Who has created this, and for what purpose.

Two things. That he needs to satisfy his anger, no matter what. He has you to allow him to do that.

And, he knows your resolve is weak. You have already left him twice. I do not believe that you realize just how toxic this relationship is, and how you are being manipulated.

I'm not saying you don't have a bad temper here, maybe you do, and I'm not saying there isn't a 'dance' going on, that the two of you are playing off each other, knowing what is going to happen, and not choosing to find ways to stop it before somebody gets punched.

That you are led so easily by how his words start with you, and how you respond to them, clearly you must see what is coming.

That he, as a man, does this, and methodically calculates his 'needs' to inflict harm under the auspices of 'fair retaliation', is emotionally, and psychologically bankrupt.

You must find the strength to seek help, and not allow this to happen again. One punch is too many.

One thing for sure, the boundaries of good behavior has been crossed by you both.

The only way to get it back, is to define what's right, and what's wrong, and you both stick to what's right.

That takes working together, through honest communications, knowing when to listen, and knowing when to shut up, by you both.

Do you have that capability, if so, you haven't shown it so far.

Hopefully when you do get your driver's license your world will change for the better. At least you will be able to take a drive with your daughter in the car and just cool off or get away for a few hours.

His reaction to you leaving is quite typical. He does not want to lose his "plaything" that he enjoys belittling. If I were you I'd just take him at face value for now and just keep on your plan to leave once the bills are paid and you can see your way clear to go.

In the meantime I see you are getting some self esteem back. GOOD FOR YOU! It shows that you are not truly beaten down by him so totally that you cannot do something good for yourself.

Hopefully things will work out until you can see your way clear to leave him in an amicable manner. In the meantime, please keep us posted on your progress as it is good to hear that you are a strong woman and will prevail in the end over this trial in your life.

People who abuse other people - mentally, physically - are bullies. That bullying behavior carries into all aspects of their lives. It seems the more insecure they become, they more they have to bully and control other people.

If he has to put you down to build himself up I see little hope here.

Thanks everyone for all your time, your advice and sharing your personal experiences to help me when I'm clearly lost.

A thankful,

MRS.S

Well I made the decision to leave the marriage. However I find myself quite scared and nervous to be out on my own. Last night I realized that it's over and I felt this really odd feeling in my heart that made me want to stay [what is that?]

Is this a normal feeling- I want to stick to my guns, how do I get over it? I've left him before but I came back. We have a two year old together so NC wouldn't be a great thing to do.

I do have a previous thread explaining more about my marriage

MRS.S

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Originally Posted by nikosmom

Dear Mud,
I've been in a similar situation as you've described and I feel your pain. Really I do.

One thing I'd suggest is to stop focusing on what you can't do and begin lifting yourself up. You said you can't pay 1st and last month's rent to set up an apartment... well keep checking. Some apartments only require a small deposit and then you pay your first month's rent. Do you have any friends or family that would let you crash at their place for a while? Given the situation and the fact that you have a child, I think someone would be more than willing to give you a place to rest your head until you can save up the money. Do you belong to a church?- if so, your church may have funds to help you with the deposit.

Speaking from personal experience, this situation will not get better. Your husband obviously doesn't see that there's anything wrong with the situation and he would have to in order to see the need for change. You can't stick around waiting on him to figure out that things are bad. Not to mention, do you really want your daughter growing up around this nonsense? Do you want her to think that this is how relationships work and how she should expect to be treated by a man?

The thing is, you have to have it in your mind that you want to move on. You can not waiver.

With my ex (my son's father), it started out as verbal. Then it moved to a little push here or there. Next thing I know, he jumped on me because I found out he was doing the same thing you mentioned (trolling on the internet for women). Like so many women, I fell for the "I'm sorry, it'll never happen again, I'll get help"-line. We were apart for about 3 months when I let him come back. Within 2 weeks, I thought he was about to kill me. I ended it right then and there and never looked back.

About a month later I found I was pregnant with my son. I still don't regret ending it. Not only I'm not sitting around worrying about what he might be doing with the girls from the internet, I'm not worried that I'm gonna come home to a fight every evening after work.

Get out for you and your daughter's sake.

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Had to spread the rep but I hear you loud and clear,having had this drama in my past as well.The day I ended it was the day I got my life back.

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

Well I made the decision to leave the marriage. However I find myself quite scared and nervous to be out on my own. Last night I realized that it's over and I felt this really odd feeling in my heart that made me want to stay [what is that?]

Is this a normal feeling- I want to stick to my guns, how do I get over it? I've left him before but I came back. We have a two year old together so NC wouldn't be a great thing to do.

I do have a previous thread explaining more about my marriage

MRS.S

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I read your previous thread and I sorry you are going through such a difficult time.

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I felt this really odd feeling in my heart that made me want to stay [what is that?]

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Even an abusive relationship is hard to let go of.You get into a state of acceptance and live for those rare moments when things appear good. We cling to what is familiar,even if that familiar thing is dangerous and unhealthy.

Change is difficult and since you are not as independent as you intend to be,it is easy to fall back on him because you need him for some things.

That is why so many women stay in an abusive relationship.They feel stuck.

After being degraded for such a long time,yourself esteem must be suffering as well.

It is never easy and you will have doubts but the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and clearly,he is not able or willing to change.

You need to surround yourself with a good support network and rely on your network to give you the extra strength you need right now.Mom,sister,friends,keep them on speed dial.
And of course you know we are here for you hon,even if you just need a place to rant.

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Originally Posted by artlady

And of course you know we are here for you hon,even if you just need a place to rant.

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Thanks Art, that really means a lot. I've been crying for the last few days. I know what I want but this icky feeling won't leave me be.

MRS.S

Hi Mudweiser,

We are all here for you. You will be fine and will start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

Divorce is scary as are all breakups. But, as you begin to be on your own, you will feel as though a huge weight has been lifted and you will no longer be abused. You can now live your own life with your child and have the quality of life in which you deserve.