Ask Me Help Desk - I ALWAYS have to initiate sex with Husband

It seems that I am going through the same thing. We've been married for 15 years. I totally understand. My husband has always been this way too. Frankly, I don't like it anymore. And I did hear you say that you've attempted to address this with your husband numerous times. I feel you. I was feeling a little frustrated too until I read your blurb. It will be two weeks for us tomorrow, our longest, but given all of the advice, I'm going to break the ice and initiate. Not worth losing what personal feelings we share to gain this initiation, I guess. From your experience, it seems we are unable to teach them to take the initiate. Yes as others have said, he enjoys your initiating -- who wouldn't? I'm hearing you -- that you, like him, enjoy being pursued. Mee too. It seems you cannot teach them to initiate. In turn -- we are suppressing our desire to be pursued. I keep telling myself that I am not withholding -- I'm just not being asked. My husband does seem to be a little nicer since I've been not initiating lately. Maybe I should stay the course.;)

Well it has been quite some time since I've visited this site, and so I thank all who have participated in this discussion, as well as sympathize with all who can relate to my story. My update really isn't much of an update. Things are pretty much the same. What changes is my viewpoint. Sometimes my husband's passivity drives me nuts... sometimes I'm OK and I focus on the positives of our marriage - and there are lots of those!

Someone commented on doing things for myself, and I have to say that I do... I excersize (not just for the outer results, but for the inner energy it gives me... mind/body/soul) and take time for myself. I feel good about myself and I'm definitely not what you'd call a 'vain' person, but I am attractive and do get noticed. It's nice to know and feel secure in myself, but it's not really an issue here.

Rebel made some good points about getting my husband's hormone levels checked... something we haven't explored, but definitely worth looking into - thanks for that information! Also, the point about being in our prime later than our husband's is definitely an issue here as well.

It would be fun to explore new ways to become closer to my husband sexually. I watched Oprah the other day with much interest about sexual intimacy. The 'sex therapist' made a cool point about how women feel that sex is a means to gain more intimacy. It's different than how men feel about sex. Hmmm... sex is such a huge part of who we are and how we relate to one another. Time to re-evaluate and re-prioratize! Not sure how to actually put that into practice, but more food for thought :)

I hope things get better for you soon.
Thanks for the update.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LonelyMe

Well it has been quite some time since I've visited this site, and so I thank all who have participated in this discussion, as well as sympathize with all who can relate to my story. My update really isn't much of an update. Things are pretty much the same. What changes is my viewpoint. Sometimes my husband's passivity drives me nuts ... sometimes I'm ok and I focus on the positives of our marriage - and there are lots of those!

Someone commented on doing things for myself, and I have to say that I do ... I excersize (not just for the outer results, but for the inner energy it gives me ... mind/body/soul) and take time for myself. I feel good about myself and I'm definately not what you'd call a 'vain' person, but I am attractive and do get noticed. It's nice to know and feel secure in myself, but it's not really an issue here.

Rebel made some good points about getting my husband's hormone levels checked ... something we haven't explored, but definately worth looking into - thanks for that information! Also, the point about being in our prime later than our husband's is definately an issue here as well.

It would be fun to explore new ways to become closer to my husband sexually. I watched Oprah the other day with much interest about sexual intimacy. The 'sex therapist' made a cool point about how women feel that sex is a means to gain more intimacy. It's different than how men feel about sex. Hmmm ... sex is such a huge part of who we are and how we relate to one another. Time to re-evaluate and re-prioratize! Not sure how to actually put that into practice, but more food for thought :)

Don't get mad but is there any possibility that your husband might be gay? If so, it would easily explain his apparent lack of interest in sex, which might not so much be a lack of interest in sex but a lack of interest in sex with women.

The idea that a man "peaks" (whatever that is suppose to have reference to) at 25 or 30 and a woman at 35+ is nonsense. Some men peak at 50, some women at 21. It's highly variable and dependent upon a number of factors.

It's just about a year later into my original post and I came upon it again (just browsing about). I thought I'd post an update...

It's been over 4 months since I've last been intimate with my husband. Neither one of us has even mentioned it. I know this seems strange to so many of you, but I haven't felt any urge to have sex with my husband. So I haven't initiated sex. It's not that I don't want to have sex with him, but I suppose I've felt indifferent and so I haven't made any effort. It bothers me to the extent that I think we may feel closer if we were physically intimate. But I guess I've just accepted things the way they are - since I haven't felt sexually motivated lately either. (I do and am not opposed to satifisfying my own sexual urges). We remain close in other ways and he's continues to be my friend and a good father to our children. I continue to love him. Whether I'm "in love" with him or he with me is questionable. We are secure and comfortable with one another.

Perhaps just another stage in our life? I don't mean to be passive in my approach to this, but it's just the way I'm feeling right now :)

[QUOTE=LonelyMe;2078325]It's just about a year later into my original post and I came upon it again (just browsing about). I thought I'd post an update...

Oops, sorry, I meant two year's after my original post!

Losing intimacy in the marriage is not good.
Don't get comfortable with that.
You two need to talk about the lack of intimacy in your marriage

Quote:

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Losing intimacy in the marriage is not good.
Don't get comfortable with that.
You two need to talk about the lack of intimacy in your marriage

Yes, we've talked about this many many many times. Things improve for a short while (weeks maybe) and then go back to the way things are now. The thing is that maybe I AM getting comfortable with losing sexual intimacy in our marriage. It doesn't make me real happy about it, but then again, acceptance for who he is feels easier than mostly being disappointed in him. I don't have any answers (obviously :)

I can understand that.
If the lack is mutually accepting, that's OK but if it is bothersome to one of you, there is problem. Don't ignore it because it's easier. The problem is still there and will pop up again.
Have you guys spoken with a professional?

DOH!! I wish my wife has your drive.

I initiate it every night... I don't care... I just do it.