Ask Me Help Desk - Unfaithful wife

Lonely soul :

First God will forgive you but that does not make any earthly consequences go away.
No one is perfect, everyone screws up, and He is the only judge.

If you do not tell him, yourself, what if he finds out from someone else? From the guy you were with, or someone who saw you and this other guy, or you slip up, or sometime down the line when your husband hurts your feelings, will you tell him about this then?

A good percent of people cheat.
I've cheated, and been cheated on, it sucks, that's this life.

If you tell him, pray first.
- first, you're being honest with yourself and accepting responsibility, rather than carrying this guilt for the rest of your life. Maybe , as another poster pointed out and not to be cruel, he has secrets too.
- If your marriage is meant to be, it will hurt, it will take time, it will take a lot of effort, but in the end it will make you both better and stronger IF there is forgiveness.
- if your marriage is not meant to be, well, I'm sorry for you both.

Grace and Peace

I posted my own entry called "When will I get over my wife's affair?" which is in the "relationships" section. Please read it.

The reason I "answer" your question here is I think I have a qualified opinion.

The "reason" you cheated is something that is happening deeper in your marriage that you need to resolve or it will become a bigger issue that your cheating will. The bottom line is - happy and content people in marriages do not cheat!!

My wife and I have been through hell and back since March 2007 when I "found out". At first she denied everything... but after an hour or so she confessed... and she then decided to tell me EVERYTHING. The first 60 days after SUCKED (the immediate 30 days after were the worst days of my LIFE). BUT - the cheating incident simply drew attention to our relationship and how broken it was.

The issues were so "deep" I (at first) could not see the issues. In fact, I would argue against them. We found a great therapist (you need a good one - not a "part timer") who laid it all out on the line and showed BOTH of us where we were going wrong. And believe me... we BOTH have things to work on.

I read a TON of books (some fantastic - but some to be used as kindling paper to start the next winter fire). I suggest Choice Theory by William Glasser (Amazon.com) which will NOT get you into trouble with hubby if he finds it around... but you will learn a LOT about relationships if you read it (I have read it 3 times).

So, what I am trying to say, is look at your RELATIONSHIP. Something is missing. Some unmet need(s). You only cheat if you "need" something (to be loved, heard, cared for, need an ego boost, feel attractive, seek attention... SOMETHING).

My opinion is - and this is hard for me to say - but you should tell your husband... but tell him when the time is right. When your relationship is strong and you are both in a "good place"... and clear your calendar for a few months. You will spend a LOT of time crying, talking, and BUILDING. I am STILL truly getting "over it". But we are stronger and closer than EVER BEFORE. We shared the guilt and problems... and the bigger the problem solved together the closer you grow together.

May God bless you for seeking help and advice. That is the first step. Most people would not have even done that. That tells me you WANT to do the right thing... and you know what that is.

Quote:

We shared the guilt and problems... and the bigger the problem solved together the closer you grow together.

Thank you for these words of wisdom.

Hi lonelysoul. You are not alone. Thousands of other spouses-both men and women have been there, done that and never tell. Its fair that u realised u were wrong, and I promise u God has already forgiven u if you've asked. Those who condemn u... just know they don't believe the Blood of Christ really washes sin away. My advise, never tell yo husband unless u want to end yo marriage! He has his own secrets which would cause u to end the marriage if u found out!! We r only human, not Saints... thats why we r still on earth and faced with temptations every second. As long as you've confessed to God, u have a new life. And God is not counting how many times you've sinned. Take care.

Hi I have been in the same sort of thing as you, and I told my man
I wish I had not though, cause things have change big time for us, and not for the better only for the worse, so its really up to you, but I know what I would do.

I, just a day or so ago, posted my own question about my wife cheating. Mine happened years ago, 21 to be exact and each day I think about it many times. People tell you to let it go but when you loved someone so deeply it never goes away. We both had never been with anyone else, at least I thought. He will always be a part of our lives. I would have given anything if it hadn't happened but it did so I have the right to know all about her affair. She would only tell me a few things and not what happened. She stayed out at night until early morning and called him for months when I wasn't home and sometimes when I was home but she says nothing happened. It makes me feel as if she still shares things with him. Tell your husband what he wants to know, where you went and how many times and everythng about it. Tell him you don't want anything between you and him and this piece of trash means nothing to you. If he doesn't know he will always wonder about it. Everything will change for you both. You must try hard to love him and give him no reason to doubt you. It's going to be hard for you and the more he loves you the harder it will be for him to let it go.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lonely_soul

I cheated on my husband last night,i have slept with another man while my husband was away, i feel real bad......i didn't eat anything till now. The story goes like this:
My husband traveled to another country on a business trip, then while i was shopping i saw this man who used to be my ex boyfriend four years ago, we were happy to see each other, we went to a drink, then he invited me over his apartment, apartment i told him i got married and we were just chillin drinking and talking, then one thing led to another, and we ended up having sex...... i woke up this morning feeling real guilty and cold, empty from inside, wishing to die for what i have done, i don;t know what to do, to cease the pain i feel right now, i am dying slowly.....please tell me what to do, should i tell my husband and ask for his forgiveness, or just try to forget about it and go one with my life and promise my self not to do it again...?

What has happened is happened.. no husband would tolerate what you did.. if I'm in that situation I feel the best is to apologize to your husband.. and forget the whole incident and have a good life with your hubby actively..

Life is all about giving and taking between loved ones.. im sure your hubby loves you more wnd wll not let you down.. if you choose not to tell.. thats also wise at one point.. because you not hurting your hubby inside because if you say he may break down inside and may not tell you that... miht become a big headache for both...

Its all in your hands.. if you trust yourself and make sure this situation doesn't repeat.. dont tell and don't repeat..
-good luck mrs.