Well, just don't repeat mistakes.
If it all in your head, then...
Change those thoughts around.
Don't be a jealous, insecure husband. Enjoy being married to her.
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Well, just don't repeat mistakes.
If it all in your head, then...
Change those thoughts around.
Don't be a jealous, insecure husband. Enjoy being married to her.
Women... take off their diamond ring to wash dishes... Guess you don't know what washing dishes is. Frankly I think if you're that insecure you need to improve on your weight and attidute. You say your insecure about the way you look so do something about it. She only wears her wedding band. Big Deal who wants to lose a diamond out of their ring washing their hands.Quote:
Originally Posted by vanheart
You are really a piece of work... You are so whiny about your feelings and
Probably do the same to her. Get Over It! Work on getting some confidence and get off her back... If you don't you'll drive her crazy.:)
Well Yes KitKat,
If he does continue he will drive her into the arms of another man. If he is not careful, and it is bad to say this I would not blame her.
Joe
I would be nuttier than a frutcake if I were her!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976
I think you making some of her comments more important than they are. Just because she is with you does not mean she can't enjoy looking at other people. I am certain that you probably still look at other women even if they are only actresses and models. Would you expect her to react the way you are if you 'check out' a random woman walking down the street?Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
As for the one about your brother, is it really about her finding your brother attractive or is there a bit sibling rivalry added into it? Has this been an issue with other people in the past?
How long has she been in your country? How much longer does she have left on her visa?
As for the 'lying'? It sounds like she is beginning to protect herself from getting into arguments about what she does and who she does it with.
You need to sit down and have a discussion with her about your issues. No blame. No fighting. No making her responsible for your reactions/actions. Be honest about how you feel and listen to what she says. If you aren't certain what she means, ask her. Remember that the language barrier will come into play with word choice and definitions.
I will admit that I don't know what TAFE is. When I looked it up, I came up with schools. Primarily vocational education and training. If she were planning to get a job in her profession in your country, would she need to get certified in it? Would it be something that she might want to surprise you with or to have all of the information together before she talked to you about it?
As for the wedding ring vs. cell phone, she has carried the cell phone longer. The wedding ring is a very recent development and without knowing how long she has been divorced or how long she wore her ring afterward there may still be traces of reminding herself NOT to wear her ring after their separation.
By the way, good luck with the getting into shape. It sounds like you are doing a good job.
If I met and married a woman in under three months, I'd be insecure too. She's pretty much still a stranger so you don't even know what she's capable of, hence your speculations. Sometimes people don't even realize they don't like a person until two or more months into dating.
You married her quick, so you should learn to trust her even quicker.
I don't know what to tell you, but I know that spying on her is going to drive you mental, so you shouldn't do it for your own nerves.
Clickhaus
Do you wear a wedding band?
I think he should get a CLUE!Quote:
Originally Posted by asking
Thanks again to everyone.. both positve and negative comments I welcome as it gives me an insight of me I don't see so your observations in this are helpful.
Yes I do wear a wedding band, proudly I might add.
Slapshot, you are right, we are just getting to know each other's quirks now. So a little insecure about a few things she says/does allbeit said/done innocently by her but perhaps misinterpreted by me.
I don't believe there is sibling rivalry with my brother and I, other than he is trimmer than I currently but as I said, I am working on that. I just didn't know what was she thinking of when she strained her neck to check out his abs, she said 'just curious', well we all know curiosity get get you into trouble.
I have since found out that her ex flatmate sometime goes to TAFE. Although I am not certain it is THAT TAFE she went to, but the next day is when she met him at the shopping mall... I am sure it is all innocent.. but not knowing makes me feel so insecure about her intentions.. Sorry guys/gals for the whinning there is no other way to vent this without burdening her with so much and. As you all say, would drive her away which naturally I do not want that. I just need to be sure she is genuine and not like the last relation I had who wanted all of the same on the surface only to find she was playing me and other guys too. That left a mark. Thanks for listening and commenting
Oh in answer to Cat, she has about 12 months on her current visa we have employedan immigration agent to help with changing them, and she has been divorced for 5 years.
Well I am glad you came here and are talking to us instead of your wife. Oh and when are you going to start counseling for yourself?
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesushelper1976
Please say you are going to counseling!
She has two phone. The one that I gave her where she uses to contact me, her daughter and her friend Kelly. The other phone she says she uses as a chinese/english dictionary, which is true. But I can see she has used it to call people but because it is all in chinese I cannot read except for the phone numbers which I do not recognise. I cannot ask her about them without appearing to be suspicious and or jealous. Again not knowing for sure makes me insecure. If I could find a way to ask or for her to be able to explain I would feel more at ease I just don't how to talk about without being confrontational or accusing. I just want her to be upfront.. she will probably say that if she tells me I wouldn't be happy.. That said, I would rather know than not as if she says one thing and I find out later it wasn't so it would cause even more angst. I do get myself in a knot sometimes.
I will get counceling.. promise. Thanks everyone.
"I hate divorce but it seems like it's your only hope for a good life."Quote:
Originally Posted by emopunk7
For someone who hasn't even been married to suggest divorce, is like me giving tips on menstrual cramps.
Just because this man needs to work on his self esteem, and trust issues, doesn't mean he needs to give up on this marriage. Even if they just met, and he obviously didn't think things through.
Maybe they will get divorce. But it's surely not up to us to suggest it from the start.
We should be careful with what advice we give. Especially when it's something that we have no experience whatsoever in.
You have a lot of "getting to know her very well", before you start worrying about how she will deal with your issues. Just know she has the same road to go down as far as learning about you also.
Clickaus,
I read all your threads, and am sitting here & smiling by myself. You fell in love with a culturally mysteries, sweet, and beautiful woman and married in short period. How lucky you are! Your life will be full cultural adventure with the hot, sexy woman. But while you are excited, you start to have cold feet and getting nervous about your marriage. It is very normal, and here are my thoughts.
1. Overall: She married you, and she has not cheated on you. So just relax, learn about her, learn about her culture, learn how to communicate &overcome language barrier, and build trust.
2. Her English learning: If her intention is learning English, she should try to talk any English speakers not only hot men. Your worry is exaggerated in my opinion. She is 48, she knows how to protect herself. Give me a break. The real issue is your mistrust toward her. There is no sign she married you for visa, or she tries to find someone else to run away with. You are nervous, and try to over protect her, and not to lose her. RELAX!!
3. SeLf image: Be comfortable about your self-image. If she was not attracted to you, she would not marry you.
4. Visa: Staying in US is not live and dead situation. It is rather option. She was not forced to marry you. Wasn't she? As you know, she did not marry you because she could not survive by herself. Forget about the visa stuff. You are downgrading your marriage for nothing. You are proudly her legal husband, and you should help proactively her to get visa status stabilized to be with you in US, without questioning her intention. It is too late to ask the question now. She will appreciate your help, and respect and adore you.
5. Over weight: I am very attractive woman, and I personally like meaty men rather than skinny men. They look real and stable. Do not worry about your belly or weight. Please keep working on your weight for your heath, but not for paranoia. Stop accusing her when you fail to control your weight. Women do not care about some extra pound of weight of her husband. Is she checking on hot men? Yes, we do sometimes, but it is nothing just like all men do. If you feel jeoulous, tell her so. Or just give 2-3 more second of hard look to other hot women while she is with you. She will get the point.
6. Cell phone: It is normal to forget to carry phone on and off for any of us. It happens to me sometimes too. Do not develop a full story around this. Once again, your mistrust is the real issue. If you keep accusing her, she will feel trapped. Not a smart move.
7. Wedding band: You guys need to learn communicate clearly. Tell her it is American culture to wear wedding band for married couple, and she should make an effort to do it while you are doing it. Do not assume she has same sense about wedding band. In some Asian culture, 'wearing wedding band' is not strictly required. My Asian co-worker who has great marriage does not wear his wedding band at all. I asked him about it, and he shrugged it off.
8. Culture: You need to teach her the American culture verbally, and do not make assumption. She will not be Americanized automatically while she lives in US. You need teach her nicely, while you learn her culture. It will be really fun in your life! If you make accusation over assumption, you will make unnecessary stress in marriage.
9. GPS: The GPS tracking is totally off, you did wrong. Treat her as your wife, respect her. If you investigate & treat her as possibly cheating & running wife, you are only asking for it. Try to learn to trust your wife.
10. Marriage is like jumping off from cliff with your partner. You need to throw all yourself into it to survive with your partner. Give her all love, but do not accuse her.
11. If I am you, I will make her absolutely happy while together, best lover in bed, be the best English teacher, friend, shopping buddy (so she will not try to find any others), learn her culture, but let her develop her own identity freely. She is foreigner, probably excited about US, but need to learn a lot of life here. Be patient, and help her as loving husband.
12. Her working: She is not working now, and should have too much free time. It is not good. Help her land on a job, help her if she needs job training. Once she has job, husband, co-workers, she will be very occupied, and will have less free time to wonder around the shopping mall.
In my understanding, Asian women are known as aging gracefully (they look younger than their age), working hard, and loyal to their partner. You are her husband. Some people decide to live in an exotic country, but you decided to live with an exotic wife. Good fr you. Just relax, enjoy honeymoon, and Have a lot of fun! :)
Just read all these post and read them often. Good luck!
Thank you to everyone. It seems that for me, every time things start going well for me I expect that at anytime now it will fall apart as perhaps I shouldn't be this happy, and before you know it you are sabotaging your own happiness by imaging all the things that could go wrong.. Thank you for everyone who has 'chipped in' their thoughts and in particular to myagony 1234 who answered put everything into perspective for me in one hit. I am indeed grateful to everyone.
Hi clickaus,
I guess you enjoy every minute of your honeymoon by now. Good for you. :)
I forgot to mention one thing to make your marriage better in my answer earlier. When you have a chance, make extra effort to visit her country, look around where she grow up, and build a good relationship with her family. It will make your relationship deeper and more solid.
This visit will make you understand where she is coming from, and who she is. While you visit her country, you will be a foreigner, and she will be in a position to guide you. In this reversed role play, you will understand the difficulty as foreigner who has language barrier (although it is fun and excited to live in a foreign county), and make you better person to guide her in US. For her, she will guide in her county, take advantage to pay back your kindness. In the process, she will understand what you are going through (! ), and realize how lucky she is to have you in her life. It will definitely enhance the quality of your marriage.
Hi myagony. Thank you for taking the trouble for your further thoughts. We are in fact planning to do that as soon as her visas to stay in this country are inplace. Then we can visit her homeland and family. I am looking forward to it. Life is wonderful. I still have bouts of insecurity but it is undercontrol. Thank you sincerely. Each morning I awake to see her besides me I feel I am the luckiest guy in the world, truly
Threads merged
A few weeks ago my new wife asked if it would be OK to visit a girl friend at her place of business. She told me she provides a service of Traditional Chinese massage therapy. It would be a chance to catch up for some girlie talk and maybe help out if she needs. I thought it was good idea as my wife currently doesn't work and is a little bored at home.
I met my wife after work to find that of all the clothes she has, this day she choses to wear her short skirt with sheer black tights, I admit she looks quite hot in this. On the way home I asked how things went, as she had spent most of the day with her friend, only to find that her friend's business offered the full body massage with oils and naked or at least down to the underwear, not the Traditional Chinese massage, which is usually fully clothed and targets mainly the neck and shoulders. Of course I was not too happy to hear this as most of the clients were male [of course], and as my wife was sitting at the reception desk for most of the day she told me that some of the clients were asking her if she was the new girl. My wife also mentioned that from time to time her friend asked if she would help out with towels etc.. Knowing she was sitting there in her short skirt and tights and my understanding of guys minds my imagination started going into meltdown. I explained that I was really not happy about this and if she was looking for work, this was NOT the area I would like her to be. She tried to convince me it was all above board, but I was clear that I would not be comfortable about this. She agreed and nothing more was said.
Today my wife suggested that she would come into town later in the day to meet me after work so that we could go shopping and drive home together. I thought that was a lovely thought, until she asked if I would mind if she popped into her friend's shop to say hello. I explained that I didn't mind her meeting this girl for a chat or a coffee from time to time but thought it was inappropriate to visit her place of business. As she has declined to come to my office many times as she doesn't want to interrupt my work I suggested that this was no different for her friend.
Although she said she would come directly to me I can feel she was a little disappointed. Am I wrong in my thinking or should I have handled it differently.
I kind of know where you are coming from in a way.
I believe you should talk to your wife, explain to her properly why you feel the way you do. She needs to know why you are not OK with her in that place, but you are not stopping her from seeing her friends elsewhere.
If she chooses to see her friend there anyway, there isn't much you can do. She can either tell you she is going there, or she can do it in secret without you knowing. Its her choice, but you have the right to tell her how it makes you feel in my opinion and its her decision to either care how it makes you feel or not.
It seems like you trust her, which is great, but you don't feel comfortable about the place she goes to, or some of the people she comes in contact there. I feel like you are looking out for what's best for your wife as well as yourself.
So once again, I think you should just have an open and honest tal kwith your wife, tell her how you feel, and that you don't wan to put limitations on her and tell her what she can and can't do, but you are just expressing how you feel about something, just as you'd hope she'd do if she was uncomfortable about something to do with you in the future. All the best
Hi everyone
Thank you for your comments yet again. As mentioned before, life is wonderful, truly. But every now and then I get the bouts of insecurity. I have always been too caring about the other persons feelings that sometimes I forget about how it is affecting me and tend to be a little passive about my actions/reactions rather than be to the point and state clearly what I think or how I feel.
I was lying in bed one evening waiting for my wife to finish her shower etc. after some time she came to bed and in a playful way I asked 'hey, where have you been, I missed you'. She replied 'Oh I went down into the street to meet a man'. With her knowing how I feel about such a thing, I asked why would you say such a thing, she said 'where do you think I went'... I was just being playful and she said the one thing that would send my head in a spin... Then I start over analysing... but I am OK. I still woke up this morning with her besides me knowing I am the luckiest man on the planet. Cheers everyone
I understand what its like to over analyze and be insecure... and sometimes even a joke might worry you, but you have to make yourself believe that this woman is you wife and she is with you because she loves you and she doesn't want any other men.
If you have a relatively low self-esteem, it can be hard to believe such a statement, but you have to try. Glad you know you are a lucky man. Always try to remember that and you'll be fine...
You were waiting for your wife to finish her shower. You know you walked into that reply right. You might have started it. She finished it and you could not handle it. You were being playful, she was, but you took it way too seriously again.
Next time do not wait for her to come out of the shower, hop in with her. Be cool. Stay cool.
Thanks
'Even a joke might worry you'. In my over analyzing I start to wonder if such a joke could be a subconscious thought. GRRR. I am OK
… and yes next time just hop in the shower. Quite right.
Nah... I'd say it's a joke...Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
Think about it, haven't there been times when you could have made a joke, that you thought was purely a joke, but it could have taken more seriously?
Actually guy, you have to see this as a lesson in how our thinking affect our actions. Even with the friend at work, you have to see that its you reacting out of fear and insecurity, as you deal with the unknown.
Relax and enjoy it as this should be the "honeymoon" period.
I agree with Tal. Enjoy life... trust is an issue with you. Stop over thinking this.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Hi Guys
Thanks for all your help as always.
Had a bit of a relapse yesterday. Usually either my wife calls me or I call her about the time I get to work just to say Hi and maybe if we have a moment during the day she/I call again just for a moment to say hi or she may ask me about what I would like for dinner.. all good. All went the same way yesterday about 3pm she called me to say she was just about to pop out to the mall to get some food and asked if I would like something special, all good. About 20mins later I thought of something I thought would be nice to get, called but the phone went to voicemail. I waited and called again, voicemail. I called home to find her daughter was at home. I thought perhaps my wife had forgotten her phone but no, 'she just went to the Mall'. OK. Curiosity got the better of me and I checked her phone location on GPS and found she appeared to be at her old apartment, just across the road from us, where Kevin her ex-room mate lives, supposedly a relation or friend of her ex husband in China. About 15 minutes later I saw she was heading towards to shopping mall, which is usual, but instead of going to the shopping mall continued to walk down the street and stopped at park. I called again and got through. I explained that I was still bored at work and that I thought of something for dinner. I could hear children playing and I asked where she was, not at the shopping mall yet? She said not yet just getting some fresh air [It was quite cold this day] she said OK I will be at the mall soon I will see you later and ended the call quite quickly. I felt a little anxious as I could feel something not quite right in the way she was talking and her response. I headed home and got to the area quite quickly. I called again to see if see needed a hand as I knew she must be at the mall by then. No answer. I called several times, again just voice mail. Of course my head was spinning. So I continued to drive to home just around the corner from the mall. On the way I saw her walking towards our apartment complex with a guy by her side. I turned the car around at the end of the road when I got closer they were at the entrance of our complex chatting. I thought she saw me as I drove past, but obviously not as a few moments later she called and asked if I had called. I said yes several times, I wondered if you needed a hand. She said sorry I didn't hear your call. I said I was just parking the car. I got home and she was all smiles and greeted my quite happily but my head was in a spin. If I hadn't mentioned I had seen her with the guy [which turned out to be Kevin, the ex room mate], she would have just said she went to the mall. She claims that she just bumped into Kevin on the street going to the mall and when I phoned her she was just walking to the mall. But I saw she was way passed the mall and in a park. I was extremely upset that she felt she could not say that she was just chatting with Kevin and that not telling me or making a story instead would make me feel better. I don't think it is a trust issue with me and although I may not like the idea of her spending so long in the company of another guy, not telling me or making a story will make things worse in the event I find that the story wasn't so. I am so confused and I know I upset her and I don't want to push her away. I don't know the real reason I get so anxious about this side of our relationship and I don't know how to explain to her my feelings without her believing that I don't trust her. I have made an appointment for counseling.
Not a trust issue? What then do you think it is? Wow! Even I felt like hiding while I was reading this post.Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
She has to report to you about every move she makes and every person she talks to?Quote:
although I may not like the idea of her spending so long in the company of another guy, not telling me or making a story will make things worse in the event I find that the story wasn't so.
You're pushing ME away, and I don't even know you!Quote:
I don't want to push her away.
That's why the counseling will be really valuable.Quote:
I don't know the real reason I get so anxious
Your suspicions aren't rational. You don't trust her because you don't like yourself very much for some reason.Quote:
I don't know how to explain to her my feelings without her believing that I don't trust her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
How in the world can this woman stand this? She is not a possession.
If you don't get help, you will lose her. I'm surprised she has put up with this constant mistrust for so long.
For about five years I was friends with a fellow like you. He was constantly suspicious of his wife. Because he was an insurance salesman, he was his own boss and could come and go as he pleased. Therefore, he would "drop in" on his wife at work (to check up on her, to make sure she wasn't chatting with male coworkers), and would go everywhere with her once she got home from work to the point that the poor woman never had a moment to herself (except maybe in the bathroom, but of course she couldn't stay in there very long). Between marriages, he would drive past the house of any single woman he was interested in and sit in his car down the block to watch for hours and find out if she had any male visitors. I won't tell endless stories about his neediness, but will mention that he was married and divorced four times during the five years I knew him. A year or so ago he called me from Wisconsin where he now lives to tell me that he is again divorced and asked if maybe I might be interested in meeting up with him (i.e. he's finally run out of marriage prospects?). I gently declined.
Don't end up like this. Counseling will help.
OK thanks guys.. I hate these feelings truly.
Good. I hate them too. Now, what are you going to do about them?Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
I have a counseling session tomorrow morning. Keep you posted.
Good luck.Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
Good Luck. I truly hope you can work through this.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by Cat1864
Sounds like a man with a plan... all the best...Quote:
Originally Posted by clickaus
Threads merged
When I met my wife before we married she and her daughter was just moving out of her apartment to move in to a shared apartment with two single guys, one of whom is a friend of her ex husband in China. He convinced her to move in to help her save money. After a month I proposed and she accepted the offer of marriage. Within a month after that we were married and had moved into our own apartment together with her daughter, happy family. Just so happens our apartment in just across the road from her old apartment and the ex-room mate.
I found out recently that occasionally she would 'bump' into him at the shopping mall and grab a coffee. Just earlier this week I discovered she had been to his apartment and went for a walk and did some shopping together. She wasn't going to tell me until I told her that I had spotted them walking back to the entrance to our complex as I was driving by. Plus I had 'seen' her via her phone GPS. That's how I knew she was at his apartment and spent some time at the park all of which she denies. After a emotional discussion about how it upset me I suggested that perhaps I don't know him that is why I feel so anxious and suggested she invite over for dinner. She asked if I would be OK with him coming to our place... I said of course not, as long as I am there... I meant we could all have dinner. She said oh I can ask but maybe he won't want to come.
I don't think it is appropriate for him to visit her at my apartment whilst I am not there equally I don't think she should be visiting him at his apartment alone. Not a matter of trust it is a matter what is appropriate as a married woman. What do you think? You guys have read all my threads on previous worries, is this just part of all the same thing? Thanks
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