I understand. Could one of your daughters be there?
Also you could tell him how you feel about it.
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I understand. Could one of your daughters be there?
Also you could tell him how you feel about it.
Apart from this the house is a mess because of all that has happened in the last week and I really don't want him to think that I am not coping because I am coping sort of it is just that housework has not been my top priority.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
I don't blame you housework is tedious at the best of times-I do think he should respect your wish to not enter the house in your absence.
For legal advice regarding a separation /divorce have you tried The Citizen's Advice Bureau?
I think you should just let him in. If he gets the idea that he's not allowed in his own house, that could just be asking for more trouble.
And, until you get that separation agreement in place, and a date/time that he can pick up his stuff, with you there to make sure it's done right, your hands are tied.
You might let him know to go ahead this time, but he won't be allowed back in until you are home. (and have a separation agreement in your hand)
Thanks for your responses - I have agreed to him coming round tomorrow, he doesn't know that it bothered me - I decided when I got home to clean the house from top to bottom, it just felt that I was on the upper foot for some reason and it also helped me, because I was feeling low because I knew that he would be seeing her tonight as he lives a 2 hour drive away, but has to come over here to the dentist, she lives over here, so put 2 and 2 together... so cleaning has been quite cathartic and I am sat in bed now and feel okay and quite pleased with myself - my eldest helped me to, she understood, my youngest who is 19 doesn't know he is coming round tomorrow and I won't tell her, she is very angry at him and would have been angry at me and not understanding why I would be cleaning.
I am going to go and get some free advice without him knowing - he doesn't want a divorce because he says that as soon as solicitors get involved then it gets nasty even if both sides don't want that.
He has said to me several times that as long as we stay friends and stay amicable he will make sure that I am all right...
So the question is, do I get free advice and see what I am entitled to, keep amicable with him and then see what he comes up with and decide whether that is better than what I am entitled to?
Any advice would be good - although I feel that I have asked for far too much.
Tomorrow night it is my second session at the councillors and then I am staying with good friends of ours for the night.
I am finding I am crying less and less and if I could get rid of the thoughts and jealousy of them two being together and her taking what I thought was my future away then that would be all good.
That's where I was thinking of trying first.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
You are not obligated to act on any advice you get, so why not go again and see what you can learn.
I'm not sure that if you follow what your ex wants you to do, will last forever, and wouldn't you be further ahead under your own steam anyway?
Hi Jake I haven't been for advice yet, I was meaning any more advice from you guys would be good... sorry to confuse xQuote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
it's a shame, in many ways, that christmas is coming, could do without it at the moment but I hope that once the festivities are over I can start making some headway... the holiday period will give me time to think of a way forward, just hope I get through it in one piece!
I would most definitely get further legal advice - forewarned is forearmed.
He may declare that he will make sure you're all right - but that sounds rather paternalistic to me. Wouldn't you rather be in control and make informed decisions according to your needs?
There is no guarantee that he has your best interests at heart. Your best interests are best determined by you.
I know you are right - I suppose he has been in control the whole time I have known him - I have accused him in the past of trying to control me...Quote:
Originally Posted by Gemini54
I am struggling today, I find it really hard to know that he will be calling at the house to collect stuff having spent the night with her.
When he spoke to my daughter (1st time since last Tuesday when we found out about this other woman) he said that he is spending xmas day with this woman because we don't want him to spend time here over christmas now and kept emphasising that it was his house and how he wasn't allowed etc etc What is he playing at? Has he no shame or guilt as to what he is doing... he told her that last Tuesday we were happily chatting and I mentioned the phone bill and he decided to tell me - that is completely untrue and he knows it and my daughter knows it, I rang specifically because I thought something was going on, he tried denying it and then couldn't so had to admit it!
I find it really sad that somebody who you have spent the best part of 26 happy years with can do this, he said he wasn't looking and that this woman was keener on him yeah right!
I need help today (again) I'm afraid. I am starting to focus on him again and need to try and start refocusing on me.
Everybody is really excited about christmas, it is really difficult.
Disregard what he says,his actions speak for themselves. Yes it's an emotional rollercoaster ride,but see that it's a blessing in disguise
I would get busy and set the legal machinery in motion.
I'm not going to be able to get an appointment with CAB until after christmas but perhaps that is not a bad thing, gives me time to think, get strong and start taking control.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Apart from the times when I am weak and feeling pathetic and thinking about them two together... I need to shift focus. Perhaps I need a fling or a bit of male attention, that would take my mind off things. Ha!
Not sure I am giving out the right signals at the moment though also it would help if I had a social life!
I hope you make an appointment with CAB for as soon as they can fit you in. It will help if you know where you stand from a legal point of view and it will boost your confidence as you will be taken charge of your own life. As for flings-I don't think that's a great idea. Why not just do fun things with your friends and your girls ?
I know you are right but a bit of attention would be nice but yes you are right and its just all talk anyway, I think I would run a mile at the moment.Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Well he has probably been and dropped the presents off at the house by now and collected his camera - he is probably dissapointed that there are no presents for him but what can he expect. My eldest daughter did consider leaving the presents she had bought for him (pre discovery of this other woman) to collect but then she said she wouldn't want him opening them when he was with this woman, wouldn't be right.
We have decided to have our own christmas day sometime in January, where we can spend it with just the 3 of us. Over the christmas period I am going up north with my 19 year old and staying there until the 4th Jan, whilst 19 year old will get the train back on the 29th to go out with her friends for NYE. Eldest is spending the time with her boyfriend's family, this is probably the best possible solution for all of us and hence we will be having our christmas day together sometime in Jan.
That's a great plan and I'm sure you'll be able to find enjoyment and contentment over the hols.
I hope the weather changes for when you travel-we have lots of snow here(North Yorks)and more to come.
As for really dating again I think you will know when you are ready to do that.
You need a lawyer, and quick. He is flexing his muscles from the sound of it, with your daughter, over his comments that it is 'his house' etc. implying that he's being the good guy in not going to 'his' house for Christmas. The point being that you are now the bad guy for not letting it happen.
I'd really like to slap him if you don't mind. What happens to a man that he can just get up and do what he did.
If he was unhappy, or feeling he needed something more from life, why couldn't he have talked about it, maybe attended counselling, been honest, and at least tried to save his marriage first.
I would like to see you change the locks on the house, but I know you can't do that. Instead, maybe while you are gone, have a friend or neighbour watch to see if he's gone there, or go in and just take a quick look around.
He will eventually feel that you are benefiting from him being gone, as you have the (most likely) biggest asset, that being the house. Best to take care of legal business as soon as you can.
I think Christmas in January with the three of you is a GREAT idea.
I have been following your post with interest, and the others are right about you taking full control of your life, by first handling your business and finding out about your rights, and then doing the legal best to get things defined in writing, and being free of this guy, and his mid life crisis.
Enough is simply enough, of this emotional roller coaster and living in limbo, and its time to accept his stupidity, and stop being dependent on him for anything else in life.
The way I see it, half of everything is yours, and you should use it to rebuild a life that you enjoy, without him in it, nor have a say in what you do.
Handle your business for now, and cry later if you must. You clearly need legal advice. Get it soon as possible, and plan from a position of strength, based on facts, and knowledge, of what all your options are.
He sounds happy to me, and so should you have the same thing.
I found this website which looks quite helpful-www.terry.co.uk.
All the best.
Thanks Talaniman - you are right with what you are saying, I just wish I could get him out of my head and start moving forward, it is just really difficult at the moment.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Apologies in advance - you must be getting bored of listening to me by now...
A bit of an update... I am up north, got here on 22nd and stayed at his mum and dads until yesterday and now I am at my sisters. He called at the house with the presents and sent me a text to say how lovely the house was (I made sure it was spotless as was determined not to let him think that I couldn't cope) and he mentioned that he was now going up north to stay with his parents for christmas day (he was meant to be staying with this woman) - I am not sure whether he is still seeing her as he said something like he needed to sort things out and that they weren't exactly an item - I know, I shouldn't ask... I have been feeling really low, it just all seems so sad. It is better that I am with my family during the christmas period, but it is still really difficult and I still can't stop thinking about him - how do I move forward with my life? How long will it be like this? How do I stop focusing on him all the time?
He is off on holiday tomorrow for 3 weeks, staying with some mutual friends and after that he has a possible 6 month contract in Geneva - I suppose during that time he won't be seeing her...
I feel like I am in mourning - how do I change my mindset and start thinking positive - feel like I am going backwards...
You are mourning the death of your marriage so your feelings are normal at this stage.
I would suggest you have minimum contact with him.
After the holidays you can set the legal machinery in motion . That will give you something to focus on.
I agree with amicon, it is mourning. Any significant loss, not just death, puts you into that mourning state. It isn't something you can fight, or speed through. Nature has a way of allowing us to heal, one day at a time. Eventually you will feel better, and the results will allow you to truly move on.
But those are just words, and at the moment, that isn't going to make you feel better. What you accomplish in the future isn't going to help you feel better about today.
Interesting that he's not spending this time with his g/f, and he says they aren't exactly an 'item' anymore.
Thank you both for your replies, I suppose I just have to go through the mourning process and hopefully start to heal soon.
It is interesting that he is not spending time with her, I have tried to ask and he says it is something he needs to deal with and won't go in to detail with me but said what he sorts out isn't a bad thing for me - whatever that means... although why I should be interested in whether they are together or not I don't know - he has been with somebody else and that should be enough for me to not to want to have anything more to do with him... instead I am hoping that they are not together and that there might be a chance for us! Flippin mad!
I need to stop focusing on him!
I think it is natural for you to be wondering what his words mean, and it wouldn't be the first time a man or woman has left their relative spouses, only to find out it was the biggest mistake they'd ever made their entire lives.
It isn't beyond possibility that could have happened, but, not enough information. For now, maybe tuck that thought in the very back of your brain, and plan to move forward with things you have already planned.
I am feeling desperately low and sad - I want to get him and what he might be up to with whoever out of my head - any tips? How do I not care anymore? Why can't I turn the focus onto me - why am I not thinking that I am worth that effort? Sorry!
Of course you're worth it! You need to make plans and keep busy doing things that lift your mood.
And accept that feeling low is normal but that as the days go by you will feel better.
Work actively to turn your life around-dont put it on hold for him HE s not worth it.
We humans tend to have them feeling when we have been hurt. It sucks for sure.
It certainly does talaniman - have you got a magic cure you could give me? I am in so much pain - feel like I am right back where I started when he said he wanted to end the marriage.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
I know he isn't worth it - I am putting him on a pedestal, and this other woman who happens to be slimmer and in my eyes prettier! Why am I intent on hurting myself?Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
You were dealt a fresh blow when you found out about her,and that opened up the wound again.
Only you can heal yourself even though the support of others who care is very important.
Find some anger and use that to move forward.
He's not a god,he's a human being with human flaws and he's hurting you.
I know - you are right and as ever I receive wise words here but... why can't I listen to them, why do I keep hoping? Its pathetic and so am I! He doesn't deserve all this energy I am wasting on him - he has spoiled so many peoples lives lately... it was is mum and dads 50th wedding anniversary the other weekend and they planned on a big fanily get together and he spoilt it so it doesn't just affect me... I still can't stop thinking of him and her...Quote:
Originally Posted by amicon
Poor his parents as well-try training your mind to switch your thoughts to something pleasant instead. It can be done-watching comedies and reading amusing books do as well, walks-sitting by the sea-anything you enjoy doing-you need to keep busy.
The thing about pain is that you have to feel it. Sorry solow, but there is no magic wand.
We live in an age where we want an instant response to anything we desire but some feelings just have to be experienced. May I make a suggestion?
Accept that you're feeling desperate, emotional, unhappy, obsessed.
Accept that you loved your husband, but that he had a relationship with someone else.
Accept that everything is uncertain and the future is unclear.
Accept that you're grieving, but that you not quite sure what the outcome will be.
Indulge in the obsessive thoughts if you need to - eventually, it's like eating too much chocolate - you'll get sick of it and it will make you nauseous.
If you just allow yourself to accept what is happening and what you're feeling, instead of desperately trying to find a solution or a cure - then surprisingly, you'll feel sort of better. You'll still feel sad, unhappy, etc, but you'll understand that this is what you are meant to feel.
I suggest you get a couple of boxes of tissues, a couple of really sad movies and bawl your eyes out. Really howl. Allow yourself to physically express all the sadness and desperation. Tell yourself it's OK, and just 'be'.
Well he has now decided to tell me that he has ended it with this woman as he doesn't want a heavy relationship and that she is very upset!! Why tell me she is very upset and also why should she be if it is something that happened just recently (last couple of months) and he had made it clear from the start that he didn't want a commitment or heavy relationship.
What did he hope to achieve by telling me? Answers on a postcard.
I'm glad you posted solow, been wondering how you are doing.
My advice to you is not be an ear to his girly problems. He has been used to having you so long to address any problems with, but this is certainly not something that has anything whatsoever to do with you.
Let him talk to his mother or friends, or a counsellor, and make it clear you don't want to be his sounding board, and then don't talk about it. Change the subject.
Actually, when he does say things like this, stop him in mid-sentence, and tell him straight- you need to talk to a professional. Repeat as necessary, but don't take this crap from him.
Another angle might be he is trying to elicit sympathy as a way of downplaying his role in the relationship with her. If he makes her look really bad, people might understand why he left her and feel sorry for him. Don't bite that either.
One more theory is that this might be his way of saying that YOU weren't like HER, and maybe he is starting to re-think all of it?
I would be cordial for the sake of the kids, but in no way participate in his pitty party, manipulation or finger pointing.
Take the high road here.
He told you because he want you to make it better or make it go away. He is not used to having to clean up his own messes and he needs a safe mental place. As long as you have feelings for him and hope for a future with thim, you are his safe place.
Twenty three years is along time. I think he needs counseling. Duh... its obvious. But I would not take him back until he is fixed. And he has a lot of work to do.
Good luck
You're a lot better than me as I wouldn't even be talking to him.
Thanks for your comments everybody... I believe or used to believe what he tells me is/was true - didn't have reason not to, but now I don't know... for her to be so upset about them finishing after such a short relationship leads me to believe that he wasn't telling me the truth and that it has been going on for much longer than he said - but why not tell me that in the first place, it's a bit like when he couldn't tell me our marriage had ended (still cant) and that he wouldn't tell me whether they were or were not still seeing each other still - doesn't he realise how much more hurtful he is being by not being straight?
I really don't know why I haven't stopped the contact with him - I think I need to head that way for my own sanity and just speak about light things like our girls, bills etc.
For one day I would just like not to think about him or what he is up to etc.
It could very well be that they had been involved for much longer than he has admitted. When he finally made the step to move in with her, was probably after a lot of planning, and time.
But, it is still all the same ball of wax. If he was with her one month, a year, six months, he still made the decision to bail on you.
He's not going to be honest unless it suits his needs, about anything. You have no way of telling if he's telling the truth, and it is totally understandable why you would doubt anything that comes out of his mouth.
That's why it might be better for you to not discuss his life, after he left. As much as you'd like to know the detail, try your best not to be drawn into it. You'll only end up with more questions, and you won't feel any better.
He will start showing a little more respect for boundaries when he gets a letter from your lawyer.
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