Ask Me Help Desk - I am in love with my Husbands best friend. What do I do.

If you start a relationship with this man in these circumstances, your chances of success in a relationship are about slim to none. You have both been emotionally cheating on your husband and his girlfriend, and he's been a terribly disloyal friend as well. You both should have recognized that the living arrangenment was not appropriate, and now that he's moved out, you should not be chasing him to his new home to visit.

We've all had crushes, and the nature of a crush is that it can be like a giddy, preoccupying high for a while. But they rarely become anything else.

You had to know that giving this man a backrub when he was living with you was not appropriate.

I think you need to forget this guy and focus on your marriage. If you end up leaving your husband, leave him because he's wrong for you, not to chase his best friend into some fantasy world. You owe your husband your loyalty and fidelity, and at the very least, the courtesy to make your decisions about your marriage based only on him and you - not anyone else.

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Originally Posted by dontknownuthin

If you start a relationship with this man in these circumstances, your chances of success in a relationship are about slim to none. You have both been emotionally cheating on your husband and his girlfriend, and he's been a terribly disloyal friend as well. You both should have recognized that the living arrangenment was not appropriate, and now that he's moved out, you should not be chasing him to his new home to visit.

We've all had crushes, and the nature of a crush is that it can be like a giddy, preoccupying high for a while. But they rarely become anything else.

You had to know that giving this man a backrub when he was living with you was not appropriate.

I think you need to forget this guy and focus on your marriage. If you end up leaving your husband, leave him because he's wrong for you, not to chase his best friend into some fantasy world. You owe your husband your loyalty and fidelity, and at the very least, the courtesy to make your decisions about your marriage based only on him and you - not anyone else.

You are aware this is/was a swinging relationship (a three way) and the backrubs, etc. were with the husband's permission and approval?

OP, her husband and the best friend are not "into" loyalty, fidelity and courtesy and it was by mutual agreement.

If you read the original post explaining the relationship and then her posts which follow you will see how misleading the original question was.

Deceit not withstanding, in any relationship their has to be boundaries that you both define, or you will have the type of chaos that renders the partnership useless. Being in an open relationship is no different. Of course you develop intense feelings for someone your intimate with, any human would. Its how you deal with them that counts. When partners agree, its all good whatever they agree on. I don't understand your post, or question under these circumstances, since you did say he was interested in your friend, but she was not interested in him. Would you then be jealous of her? You sounded like it and their lies the rub, as you are now doing what he couldn't do, and that is a conflict. Rather a disingenuous one at that.

I won't judge your lifestyle or relationship arrangement, though t ain't for me. But as long as you and your husband communicate, and work together, maybe the range of human emotions won't come between you, and cause a problem. That is if you can deal with them given the chances you take having sex with whomever you chose, and still be in a committed marriage.

I personally know many who do the same thing discreetly and have no problems, even though they don't swing, they are aware and okay with what their life partners do with whomever.

The only thing that Pizzed me off, was the lack of clarity, given the anonymous nature of the site, that you presented your situation. But I think we all missed, or passed over the open relationship remark at the beginning of this post.

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It's hard when you are in an open relationship that allows you to feel these feelings...

I took "pretty open" from the way the post was going to indicate that they could talk freely about anything. My boyfriend and I are open, too - that means we talk about anything and everything! I will now change the way I explain things to people.

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But in the end my husband just finally had to distant himself from her and over the last 6 months to a year we haven't seen her much and now when we do he states and I quote " I just don't see her that way anymore, maybe I was not in love with her, maybe it was just an attraction or infatuation.... but I feel nothing now...."

I think you take a clue as to how your husband handled his own feelings, and distance yourself from your friend, and get some clarity, and perspective. For sure this is what we tell anyone who has a hard time with their feelings of attraction for another, other than their partner.

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Originally Posted by outlawneeler

I need passion.... in my marriage, I need more attention from my husband, I need more sexual arousal, I need more happiness, I give my husband everything, I rub him to sleep almost every night, I am always hugging him and telling him I love him, but rarely does those favors get returned, I know my husband loves me but it's hard when you try and try and try to explain how you feel and you never get anywhere.... He is like a robot, in his own little world. But, we get along well, we are honest and I have told him how I felt about his neglect towards me and all he can say in return, every single time the conversation comes up, is "Thats just how I am, I like being alone, I am not touchy feely type." But on the contrary he is always draining me of the attention I give him...

JudyKayTee... This is the lost of Passion I was talking about in the other posts.

Outlawneeler... you are not the only one feeling the lost of passion.

My wife had described the lost of passion to me.
I don't know the answer... but I can tell you (in my case) it is not link to attention, massaging, physical touching, sex, or touchy things. Because I was the one giving all these things. My wife still say I have the best hands... hmmm... massage. I am a great father... I am a good listener... etc.

I think it has to do with your mind set... since now, you know the difference and have something to compare it too. Not your fault, the opportunity was there for you to discover someone else. Uhhh... "The Fruit of Knowledge." This would also apply to knowing whether your husband is really good in bed or not... because of knowing the difference and comparing.

I feel the best course of action to communicate these feelings with your husband and hopefully he will get the importance of the situation. And if you needs are spelled out for him as you describe it... hey, that is easy and fun task for the both of you. Buy a book or Video and have fun experimenting on how to obtain sexual arousal. Who knows maybe doing things together is the key... taking dance lessons... traveling, etc.

Expectation levels will never equal to each other.
No two people have the same level of things.
Things like amount of cleanliness, amount of hugging, touchy things, levels of acceptability... One person will always be higher than the other and on some issues lower than the other. I think, if both partners just respect each other levels of things and how each have grown up so differently.
Even People with the Same Levels (ie sibling and parents) can't stand living with each other.

You need unconditional Love and need to be told... he loves you... but you know from your hearts of hearts, when he tells you he loves you, he really really meant it. And it is not given freely. So, Accept the fact he is not going to return that favor at the same level as you.

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Originally Posted by SVImager

have fun experimenting on how to obtain sexual arousal.

I think they have had a bit too much experimentation (swinging/open marriage).

Now, it is time to stop playing games and learn how to be a couple who gives each other support instead of getting it from others. Emotional as well as physical.

I find it interesting that hubby was willing to give love and affection to the girlfriend that he seems to hold back from his wife with the excuse of 'that's the way I am'.

Too many questions and inconsistencies.

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Originally Posted by ;Cat1864

Too many questions and inconsistencies.

I kind of think this thread should be closed, because there's just too much swinging back and forth (in more than one way, obviously) to really get the WHOLE picture.. . But oh well.. .

I think we all have to step back. Just because the lifestyle is not one you choose for yourself, it is theirs. They are happy, and together and the OP has said she would never leave her husband, but the question was what to do about what she thinks is love for the husbands friend, who we find out is intimate with her, at her husbands permission.

Sex often intensifies feelings between humans, no matter the real circumstances, but time tells if its love, or friendship, or whatever because lust fades with time friendship and love grow.

Doesn't matter how much swinging you do. Couples define their own relationship, and the boundaries of good behavior, not society at large. We can only say Ugh, not me.

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Originally Posted by SVImager

JudyKayTee... This is the lost of Passion I was talking about in the other posts.

Outlawneeler... you are not the only one feeling the lost of passion.

My wife had described the lost of passion to me.
I don't know the answer... but I can tell you (in my case) it is not link to attention, massaging, physical touching, sex, or touchy things. Because I was the one giving all these things. My wife still say I have the best hands... hmmm... massage. I am a great father... I am a good listener... etc.

I think it has to do with your mind set... since now, you know the difference and have something to compare it too. Not your fault, the opportunity was there for you to discover someone else. uhhh... "The Fruit of Knowledge." This would also apply to knowing whether your husband is really good in bed or not... because of knowing the difference and comparing.

I feel the best course of action to communicate these feelings with your husband and hopefully he will get the importance of the situation. And if you needs are spelled out for him as you describe it... hey, that is easy and fun task for the both of you. Buy a book or Video and have fun experimenting on how to obtain sexual arousal. Who knows maybe doing things together is the key.... taking dance lessons... traveling, etc.

Expectation levels will never equal to each other.
No two people have the same level of things.
Things like amount of cleanliness, amount of hugging, touchy things, levels of acceptability... One person will always be higher than the other and on some issues lower than the other. I think, if both partners just respect each other levels of things and how each have grown up so differently.
Even People with the Same Levels (ie sibling and parents) can't stand living with each other.

You need unconditional Love and need to be told... he loves you... but you know from your hearts of hearts, when he tells you he loves you, he really really meant it. and it is not given freely. So, Accept the fact he is not going to return that favor at the same level as you.

The more of your posts I read the more difficult I find it to believe that you are a Psychologist - everything from not knowing the difference between "loss" and "lost."

The OP was honest. Her husband knew she was having sex with another man/other men. Your wife went behind your back. She finds admirable traits in the "other man." You have stated that your wife was involved with the neighborhood scoundrel.

I fail to see the similarity.

As a woman - I can be with a partner who gives the best massages in the World, is the best listener and the best father and not be satisfied in the relationship. I need to love my partner. It's as simple as that.

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Comments on this post
Jmjoseph agrees: His profile states "photographer".

I did see that. One of his posts does say he's a Psychologist. I'll dig it out and post it. (It might be changed by now.)

Maybe he's both...

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Originally Posted by Comments on this post
jmjoseph agrees: His profile states "photographer".QUOTE

I did see that. One of his posts does say he's a Psychologist. I'll dig it out and post it. (It might be changed by now.)

Maybe he's both ...

I remember that particular post. I read it when I was on the International Space Station.

Oh yea, I am an astronaut too. I didn't mention it?

We seem to have scared off the OP, so I think closing this post is for the best.