What a screwed up situation. Honestly you have too many people in your business, and it should be between husband, and wife ,to get through this mess, and tradition be damned.

You have already chosen to go against what your family has said, and now must make a decision to go against what HIS family is saying, and work this out between you and him, to know what you want.

I do not underside why you have to go against your family, to be with him, but he cannot go against his family, to be with you.

That's not fair, or honest so you better talk to your husband and get on the same understanding, and resolve this in a way that works for you both, or this whole thing is completely pointless.

Move to America and be happy without either of your families sticking their nose in your business.

I know little of your culture, or laws, or traditions, but I do know a mess when I see it.

I have to agree with you. When you consider the dowry, that is something that is planned and prepared for when the baby is born. These marriages are contracts. Everything is controlled by the parents, and other family members. Introductions, supervised meetings. The parties on both sides have to have their needs met with each other, to ensure the success of their decision to allow their children to be married. Caste, dowry, living arrangements, etc. etc. Love has nothing to do with it.

Interestingly enough, I've read (somewhere, I don't have a link), that the divorce rate in India is very quickly catching up to the West. With the worldliness of adult children through education, the net, travelling etc. the awareness of less traditional marriages must weigh heavily in light of what they know they can have. Which is likely something that their parents never had even a generation ago.

So, while I too see a mess here, there is one foot in traditional pressures, and one foot in modern thinking. Making this kind of choice, will have repercussions no matter what she does.

What a mess.

Another reason not to go into organized religion, or is it disorganized religion?

You made your bed, now lay in it. If you're adult enough to get married then you're adult enough to figure things out.

We can't help you with this mess because it's beyond our understanding.

I can only wish you luck, and I'm sure you'll need it.

To Taliniman, whether he's worth it or not, will probably boil down to the fact that he will not cross his parents. I would say definitely not worth the trouble.

I do feel sorry for our OP. The pressure must be enormous.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by roopali143

My in laws where very good before and even my husband, but i made a mistake and did not understand them. My in laws are still not asking me anything about dowry but my parents are saying that they will ask you in future and that when you have a child all the responsibility of looking after it will come on me because i am working. My husband even said me not to work but my in laws will not allow me to do that.

I am trapped in a very bad manner. my only worry is that shall i take my decision so soon of divorce from my husband wihtin 15 days of marriage or shall i test him.
My mom says no need to test him again. please suggest

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Sonia,

One thing I noticed in this thread is that your parents might be trying to manipulate you. They were against this marriage and now your parents are saying your in-laws might ask dowry. Whereas you say your in-laws didn't ask you so far. Your parents are just predicting it and its not necessary that it will come true.

Why are you not happy with your marriage? Why do you need to get a divorce if your in-laws are good and they are not asking for a dowry?
You said you made a mistake. What is it?

There is something else you are not mentioning. No one can suggest anything unless you give the facts right. If you do not wish to disclose anything, then you have to decide on your own.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I have to agree with you. When you consider the dowry, that is something that is planned and prepared for when the baby is born. These marriages are contracts. Everything is controlled by the parents, and other family members. Introductions, supervised meetings. The parties on both sides have to have their needs met with eachother, to ensure the success of their decision to allow their children to be married. Caste, dowry, living arrangements, etc. etc. Love has nothing to do with it.

Interestingly enough, I've read (somewhere, I don't have a link), that the divorce rate in India is very quickly catching up to the West. With the worldliness of adult children through education, the net, travelling etc., the awareness of less traditional marriages must weigh heavily in light of what they know they can have. Which is likely something that their parents never had even a generation ago.

So, while I too see a mess here, there is one foot in traditional pressures, and one foot in modern thinking. Making this kind of choice, will have repercussions no matter what she does.

---

Hi Jake,

Well, to start with, dowry has noting to do with the baby. In India, the pregnant girl is sent to her parent's house after 7months of pregnancy and she comes back to her husband only after the baby is born and is about 3-5 months minimum. Parents take care of the delivery for the 1st baby.

Dowry started as a part of arranged marriage many many years back. Then, it was nothing but gifts and cash that the bride's parents gave to HER at the time of marriage so that her needs can be fulfilled in her new home. People continued it as a tradition until now (thought it has been banned). The problem grew recently, about a 100-150 years back. The groom's family started demanding more from the bride's father, and if not satisfied, the bride was treated badly, sometimes even killed(hence banned).

Divorce rate in India is increasing rapidly. Its not the same as it was a decade back. But it has nothing to do with arranged marriage or love marriage. Thought parents arrange the marriage, like you mentioned, "Contract", divorces take place. It is mainly because Indian Women have started to LIVE THEIR LIFE..
before, we women had to listen to what our parents said, then husband/in-laws ruled our lives. Our life revolved around family. No matter how badly we were treated, we had to suffer, take it in and live with it our whole life. If a woman got divorced, she was looked down in the society and she lost her respect.
But Now, women are coming out of the darkness and fighting for our rights. (thought almost 75% still are suffering). We want a happy life and we fight for it.

As for Sonis/Roopali, frankly, its totally messed up. Love marriage, went against her parents, now she says she is suffering and wants divorce. I am confused. She says her in-laws are nice, her parents predict dowry harassment, she is suffering but no reason mentioned. Before that she mentioned her in-laws not treating her properly, she is not happy with the marriage. :confused:

What I meant by the baby was when a female is born into a traditional Indian family, her life is pretty much set, and a marriage contract will eventually take place, and a dowry will be a part of that.

The Op has stated that although her in-laws have not asked for a dowry, they most likely will at some point.

As you said, progress has been made. India is after all, the largest democracy in the world, but, also as you said, 75 % are still suffering, and these marriages still take place, and put a tremendous amount of pressure on the woman to comply.

There is a lot of work to be done before most can make their own decisions, based on love, without the influence or direction of their families.

There is a very long way to go.

http://www.pardesiservices.com/tradi...rangedmarg.asp

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

To Talaniman, whether he's worth it or not, will probably boil down to the fact that he will not cross his parents. I would say definitely not worth the trouble.

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I fully agree. His actions will make or break this "marriage".

Threads merged

Let me tell you everything in detail.

My husbands parents wanted to celeberate the marriage in a grand manner but they did not get a chance to do so because my parents did not agree and for that reason my in laws are angry on my family members and are not ready to send me to my parents house. My in laws say that why they did not agree for my marriage and now why I have to go to my parents house to stay with them. So they are forcing me to break all the relations with my parents and not to meet them at all.

My husband said that he will take me to my parents to meet them every 15 days and because my in laws are little bit angry everything will not be good very soon it will take time my husband made me understand that. He said that if I be good with my in laws they themselves will tell me to go and meet my parents. But the thing is I should have patience's.

I am also confused to take any step because still my in laws did not treat me bad only thing is they are telling me to break my parents relations. They still did not even ask me my salary, They are not behaving badly with me. My husband also said that he will keep me happy but I have to wait for sometime for the time to come.

My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back, my husband loves me a lot and never thought that I will be planning to take divorce from him, I think that if I go away from him he might do something to his life. He is afraid that I am listening to my parents and I will take some wrong decision against him.

My parents say that he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then I have to work, my parents say that will I work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because I did not bring dowry. Even my mother in laws says to try for some other job which is permanent. But I can't take in a wrong way. My husband said me not to work he will look after me, but I am afraid if he can't handle then I will loose my job. I want to go to other place and work for some good company but my husband is not ready to send me out.

Only thing is I hurried and got married and now again I am making hurry to end my relationship. Am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should I do as my heart says. My parents say that don't think only about present, to think about future to be happy, and if I have a child I will be in much more problem. And my parents will not come to help me.

My parents say that I went against their words and got married but even they want me to be happy in future so they are telling me. I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. I am totally confused and my life is messed up. I have to think from all the sides it is becoming very difficult for me.

My Husband also said that if I am pregnant he will not send me to my parents house. If I now say me to take me to my parents house he goes and fights with me along with my family members. Now please suggest me some solution.

What do you feel about your husband? Do you love him? It is much much harder to have a happy marriage if you don't love the person you marry. It sounds like you have some strong cultural beliefs about marriage but I still think love is improtant. Yous should make the dicision you stay with soemone or marry them because you love them, not because you think that they have good finances,/rich are powerful etc This will never make you happy.If you follow love (your heart) it is much easier to be happy.Although things like money/careers etc are also important they are much less so.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by roopali143

Threads merged

Let me tell you everything in detail.

I am also confused to take any step because still my in laws did not treat me bad only thing is they are telling me to break my parents relations.

My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back, my husband loves me a lot and never thought that i will be planning to take divorce from him, i think that if i go away from him he might do something to his life. He is afraid that i am listening to my parents and i will take some wrong decision against him.

My parents say that he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then i have to work, my parents say that will i work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because i did not bring dowry. Even my mother in laws says to try for some other job which is permanent. But i can't take in a wrong way. My husband said me not to work he will look after me, but i am afraid if he can't handle then i will loose my job. I want to go to other place and work for some good company but my husband is not ready to send me out.

Only thing is i hurried and got married and now again i am making hurry to end my relationship. am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should i do as my heart says. My parents say that don't think only about present, to think about future to be happy, and if I have a child I will be in much more problem. And my parents will not come to help me.

My parents say that I went against their words and got married but even they want me to be happy in future so they are telling me. I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. I am totally confused and my life is messed up. I have to think from all the sides it is becoming very difficult for me.

My Husband also said that if I am pregnant he will not send me to my parents house. If I now say me to take me to my parents house he goes and fights with me along with my family members. Now please suggest me some solution.

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Detailed indeed but not to the point. Why are you NOT HAPPY.. you mentioned that after 8 days of marriage, you are not happy with your life and so you want divorce.

Let me quote you again "My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back"
Your parents were against this marriage since the beginning, right? They didn't want you to be married to this guy. You didn't listen to them and went ahead with the marriage. In fact, you mentioned you guys registered 6 months back and your in-laws were asking for a ceremony and you were confused if you have to go ahead or not.

He is afraid that i am listening to my parents and i will take some wrong decision against him. he is right. Until marriage, you were listening to your mind and got married to him against your parents wish. Now suddenly you write on this thread saying you want a divorce because your parents are against it and they feel you won't be happy in the future. why didnt you think of this before?

he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then i have to work, my parents say that will i work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because i did not bring dowry.
Just ask your mom whether she looked after her parents and siblings after marriage or her husband, in-laws etc. where was she staying after marriage? With her parents? Whom did she cook for? Whose house she looked after? If her answer is hubby/in-laws, didn't she WORK FOR THEM.. you're an Indian, you very well know that once you are married, you belong to the other family and not your parents. It is not wrong to be working for them. They too are parents to you. That's why we call them MOTHER / FATHER - in law.
As for working after you get pregnant, its nothing to worry about,, many people work right until the day they deliver. In fact my mom worked, came home, cooked for 8, cleaned, washed dishes, milked the cow, cleaned the barn and delivered my brother a few hours after that. Same thing happened when she delivered me.
Now you get sufficient maternity leave and since you have your in-laws, you can continue working a few months after delivery. They will surely look after the baby.

i hurried and got married and now again i am making hurry to end my relationship.am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should i do as my heart says.
NO, you are not doing the right thing. If you are so into listening to your parents, you should have listened to them before the marriage and NOT now. You followed your heart and got married, why listen to your parents now? You indeed are hurrying. You hurried into the relation and not to get out...

I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. why didn't you think of this before? You know how hard it is for a woman to be married again once she is divorced? This is India Sonia and a woman's life is not easy, specially once she gets divorced. One wrong comment about you and you will live a single life your whole life.
How can you be sure that you will be happy if you get a divorce? Yours is a love marriage right? You went against your parents to get married to this guy. Why a sudden change of mind? You said
-in-laws treat you properly
-husband loves you
Then why listen to your parents?? You should have thought about the "my parents will not spoil my life" aspect before you got married.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silver Lining

Detailed indeed but not to the point. Why are you NOT HAPPY...? you mentioned that after 8 days of marriage, you are not happy with your life and so you want divorce.

let me quote you again "My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back"
your parents were against this marriage since the beginning, right? they didn't want you to be married to this guy. you didn't listen to them and went ahead with the marriage. in fact, you mentioned you guys registered 6 months back and your in-laws were asking for a ceremony and you were confused if you have to go ahead or not.

He is afraid that i am listening to my parents and i will take some wrong decision against him. he is right. until marriage, you were listening to your mind and got married to him against your parents wish. now suddenly you write on this thread saying you want a divorce because your parents are against it and they feel you wont be happy in the future. why didnt you think of this before?

he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then i have to work, my parents say that will i work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because i did not bring dowry.
just ask your mom whether she looked after her parents and siblings after marriage or her husband, in-laws etc. where was she staying after marriage? with her parents? whom did she cook for? whose house she looked after? if her answer is hubby/in-laws, didn't she WORK FOR THEM...? your an Indian, you very well know that once you are married, you belong to the other family and not your parents. it is not wrong to be working for them. they too are parents to you. that's why we call them MOTHER / FATHER - in law.
as for working after you get pregnant, its nothing to worry about,,, many people work right until the day they deliver. in fact my mom worked, came home, cooked for 8, cleaned, washed dishes, milked the cow, cleaned the barn and delivered my brother a few hours after that. same thing happened when she delivered me.
now you get sufficient maternity leave and since you have ur in-laws, you can continue working a few months after delivery. they will surely look after the baby.

i hurried and got married and now again i am making hurry to end my relationship.am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should i do as my heart says.
NO, you are not doing the right thing. if you are so into listening to your parents, you should have listened to them before the marriage and NOT now. you followed your heart and got married, why listen to your parents now? you indeed are hurrying. you hurried into the relation and not to get out...

I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. why didn't you think of this before? you know how hard it is for a woman to be married again once she is divorced? this is India Sonia and a woman's life is not easy, specially once she gets divorced. one wrong comment about you and you will live a single life your whole life.
how can you be sure that you will be happy if you get a divorce? yours is a love marriage right? you went against your parents to get married to this guy. why a sudden change of mind? you said
-in-laws treat you properly
-husband loves you
then why listen to your parents????? you should have thought about the "my parents will not spoil my life" aspect before you got married.

---

.


I thought of getting away from my husband before marriage but after registration. My parents are saying that my husband will not support me and that in future I will not be safe. I think that before I did not listen to my parents words that I will not be happy and even if I don't listen to them I will make hell of my life.

All my relatives and friends say to come out from my husbands house as early as possible before its too late.

My husband even told me not to work and he will look after my expenses and everything else. He even said me if you don't even go for work from tomorrow he will be happy.

I can't understand what to do whom to listen. If I listen to my husband I think my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought good for me. And if I think of future I think I will not be safe.

I can't understand what decision to take. Should I support my husband or my parents. I have bright future outside my town but my husband is ot allowing me, I want to achieve something for myself and my future, but my husband is not ready to leave this towm. I am fed up thinking of all this and my future every day. Please suggest.

Threads merged

I got answers to all my questions, but I did not get answer when my in laws said to break the relationship with my parents family members and my sisters and relatives. Should I break the relation and keep quite. I want to meet my parents. My mother in law says that if I go to meet my parents she will drink even water from my hand and will not allow me to go even after 6 months or 1 year and no family members or sisters should come and meet me in my house my mother in law told me, what should I do for this, can you find me some solution so that I can meet my parents without any fear.

If i listen to my husband i think my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought good for me. And if i think of future i think i will not be safe.
Why do you think your future will not be safe? your parents warned you against him before the ceremony. If you were so sure that your parents about a good future for you, you should have declined the marriage ceremony and divorced (since you have registered) him immediately.
why didnt you think that your parents have thought of a good future for you, before you married him?

how do you know you have a bright future outside your town?

If you had thought leaving him after registering, you should have. Why didn't you? why are you planning to leave him NOW after the ceremony? there should be a reason.


You have already made a hell of your life. 1st you get registered, then even after your parents ask you not to, you ceremoniously marry him in front of other family members, now you think about what your parents are saying, you want a divorce and you are confused. You not just made a hell of your life but also your husband's life.

What do you mean by this "All my relatives and freinds say to come out from my husbands house as early as possible before its too late" why do they say that? what reason do they have?

My husband even told me ot to work and he will look after my expenses and everything else. He even said me if you dont even go for work from tomorrow he will be happy. there are 2 ways of taking this in.
1. he loves you a lot and doesn't want you to struggle working outside...
2. he doesn't trust you and hence he prefers you stay at home...
it depends on you, how will you take it?

Just do this,, read all your posts, think about how you took this whole situation and then ask for more help if required.
Since the beginning, you have confused yourself but always followed what you wanted. Do the same now, do what you want because none of us in this thread can take decision for you. We can just suggest you. Since you are complicating everything, there is nothing we can suggest.

I can't understand what decision to take. Should i support my husband or my parents. you ask us to take decision for you based on what you say, which is not much. No one can help you unless we know the true facts which I am sure you are not sharing.

I feel you are regretting not having listened to your parents and you want to make up for it. Also you regret marrying him for some reason you are not ready to disclose.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Silver Lining

If i listen to my husband i think my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought good for me. And if i think of future i think i will not be safe.
Why do you think your future will not be safe? your parents warned you against him before the ceremony. if you were so sure that your parents about a good future for you, you should have declined the marriage ceremony and divorced (since you have registered) him immediately.
why didnt you think that your parents have thought of a good future for you, before you married him?

how do you know you have a bright future outside your town?

if you had thought leaving him after registering, you should have. why didnt you? why are you planning to leave him NOW after the ceremony? there should be a reason.


you have already made a hell of your life. 1st you get registered, then even after your parents ask you not to, you ceremoniously marry him in front of other family members, now you think about what ur parents are saying, you want a divorce and you are confused. you not just made a hell of your life but also your husband's life.

what do you mean by this "All my relatives and freinds say to come out from my husbands house as early as possible before its too late" why do they say that? what reason do they have?

My husband even told me ot to work and he will look after my expenses and everything else. He even said me if you dont even go for work from tomorrow he will be happy. there are 2 ways of taking this in.
1. he loves you a lot and doesnt want you to struggle working outside....
2. he doesnt trust you and hence he prefers you stay at home....
it depends on you, how will you take it?

just do this,,, read all your posts,, think about how you took this whole situation and then ask for more help if required.
since the beginning, you have confused yourself but always followed what you wanted. do the same now, do what you want because none of us in this thread can take decision for you. we can just suggest you. since you are complicating everything, there is nothing we can suggest.

I can't understand what decision to take. Should i support my husband or my parents. you ask us to take decision for you based on what you say, which is not much. no one can help you unless we know the true facts which i am sure you are not sharing.

i feel you are regretting not having listened to your parents and you want to make up for it. also you regret marrying him for some reason you are not ready to disclose.

---

I agree to whatever you say might be I want to obey my parents after taking this wrong decision. But still I am trying to find hapiness in my husbands house but I am not finding it. I try to be happy but I can't be happy.

I got all the answer to my questions, but tell me my in laws are telling me to break relation with my parents and not to go and meet them and even my sisters and relatives, should I do that and sit quite and listen whatever they say, how can I be wihtout meeting my parents and sisters. They tell me if I go and meet parents then I have to go away from my husbands house permanently and no need to come back.

My husband during our fight last week also told me to remove whatever jwellery he had put and go to my mother place and not to come back, does anyone says this even in anger, I don't think so. My husband even told me I can go to my mothers place now so that if after 6 months if I get pergnant then if my family members done accept me it will be a problem for me. My husband also said that might be I am interested in getting married to my mother choice, does any one say that in anger, if he truly loves me he wouldn't say all this to me in front of his mother.

I only need answer that whether I should keep quite if my in laws say me to break the relation form my parents and be at home not to meet my parents and go to my relatives.But I can't do that its very difficult and impossible for me. Please suggest me something so that I can meet my parents frequently and freely without hiding from my in laws please.

Seems at some point you will have to figure what you want for yourself, and stand up for it, to everyone. That's the best course when everyone is telling you something different to do.

What do you have to be told what you should do? Do what you want, for a change. That may make somebody mad, but you can't please everyone all the time.

Stop this tug of war. I really wish you and your husband would move away from all your families, and work together to find your own happiness.


Roopali, you don't have to keep making new threads to get answers.

I think its time you did for yourself and stop letting others control you. That means you actually have to think of what you want, and not what your family, His family wants of you.

@ talaniman - u have made a very good point,, but OP has made such a mess out of everything that it is not easy to get out of it.

I actually find it very confusing now. If you read all the replies by roopali, it gives you a puzzle which is actually difficult to understand. Its all two way...

Sonia, below is your story, read it, understand it and decide what you have to do. There is nothing anyone of us can do to help you. You are standing on a wall and asking which side to jump. To you, both sides are equally good and bad. You can neither leave your husband, nor your parents. You love them both but you have complaints on both too. You are totally confused. You made a haste in taking decision. You have to suffer the consequences.

Therez one solution I'l give. DON'T divorce your husband but don't stay with him either. DON'T go to your parents. You mentioned you have a good career-future out of your town. Just leave everyone and go.

Kindly suggest me some solution, kindly advice etc have been deleted.

Hi i am Sonia,
I am working in one of the private company from last 4 years and i am in love with a boy, we are in love last 3 years, although we are both hindus but we belong to different caste, my boyfriend family has agreed for our marriage but my parents are not at all ready to accept us. we tried to convince them a lot, but now we have got registered marriage last 6 months back.
Our problem is that my boyfriend family wants to celebrate their sons marriage, but my mother and family members have told me that you have registered marriage to him then you can go and stay away with him, and break all the realtionships with us, my mother said to me that she will never come to your door step.
But i am having the confident that sooner or later i will make my mom agree.
I have two elder sisters and they have got married to good family, even my boyfriend has good family, but only is the cast problem. i have one younger sister and one elder brother, my younger sister has supported me a lot and after my borther knowing that i got registered marriage and nothing can be done now he also understood me.
my mother says that they will loos their name and respect in the society and no one will accept me in their community. My only problem is that the mother is not at all agreeing and my boyfriends family want to celebrate it and that my mother should accept it and do our marriage for which we can't even take any decision further. only thing is i want to make my mother convinced.

Hi, i have read some of the answers sent to me.
Today my boyfriends family members are planning to come from Bombay and get us married in a traditional way by sunday. I am afriad because my mother has gone to Bangalore to stay with my sister and my father is alone at home and at present i am looking after him, if i take suddenly this decision to go out from home and live with him, will it be right towards my family, my father.
This thought came in my mind because my mother is not at all ready to support me and marry me in good manner.
my monther also asked me that if you get married to him, you will have childrens later on then whose culture are you going to follow up.

Hi,
i have received some answers to my questions, i need one more suggestion from you, my sister yesterday informed me that my mother is planning to cancel my registered marriage and not ready to acept us in any condition, so i have planned to go from my home by next week, because my boyfreinds sister is coming to get us married because there is no other solution left, will it be fine going from home within mothers presences.

Ya i have already registered my marriage, but my only problem is that my father is alone at home and my mother is away in Bangalore, is it fine to live my dad and go away from home within my mothers presences.
.
i am trying to say that, as far my dad is concerned he is damm against my marriage with him. He is afraid only about the respect he will loss in our community.
My mom is trying not to accept us but my younger sister is saying not to take any step without mom presence, it will again hurt mom badly, so i am totally confused whether to wait or not.
My boyfreinds family members are coming especially to get us married in traditional way, but they even say that you can't go to your mothers place after marriage because she has not understood you and us. I can't even stop them.

i can't live my love and i want my mother also to understand me and be with me. But sheis not at all, only she has the fear of respect that she will loss.
I want to take final decision and go away from my home, but i even want my mom.
I have got legally married to him and can't even think to depart from him.
Only thing is hurting me is should i take decision without mom's presences or should i wait till she comes. But it will take much time and i am not able to take any harss words or hatered from anyone. what will i do shall i go away from home.

I liked the answer given by pest control.
I am again little bit confused, this week my boyfriends sister is coming and we are proposing to get married in temple by friday. My mother will be coming by next monday and my father is alone, shall i go ahead and take my final step.

its very bas to say that my father as not done any bank balance for us to get married.
We have to earn and get settled in our life. No one is bothere about our life.
i only need solution that can i go and stay away get mariied with my boyfriend and live with him.
Hi thanks for all you of for giving me suugestions and solutions.
I have finally decided to get married on friday and live my home, i just need to ask you that whether i am doing the right thing, without informning my parents at all what i am doing, my dad and mother are totally opposed to my marriage and my brother and younger sister is supporting me. I am only tensed that my father is at home alone and he might get tensed hearing my marriage without knowing to him. But i have no options left.
only for the last time i need some suggestion from you, kindly advise me, as i am very tensed to go ahead without knowledge to my parents.

thanks for all your suggestions and advises,
My father doesnt notice anything, he gets angry very soon and he has no patiences to think at all. he directly shouts out, i only want him to be good at health and nothing else i need, my mother will be fine because my sister is there to look after her and she will not come so early at home.
I am only feeling guilty that what i am going to do is right or wrong.
i am leaving my house without parents permission. i am not going out from the house with the intention to loose my family forever, i want to come back and ask to forgive them and be toggther once again, will it be possible to get back to my mother after me leaving the house, i am worried about that. I only want my mother to understand me and get back to me.
I will be able to get my mother love and her understand back,

Continued...
Kindly suggest me some solution, kindly advice etc have been deleted.
Hi,
My mother is coming back today, i am very tensed and afriad that what will be my mother reaction. I am taking my final decision of getting married on friday without my mothers kwoledge. I had told my sister and some of the my friends that i will get married on friday, they might have told my mother.
I only want to ask that what should i speak when mother tells me anything, should i react or keep quite. suggest please

if my mother says me to out out from the house immediate shall i live my home and go. My boyfriend even suggested me that if they say you anything you just come away from your home.
if they dont agree at all even if i try to convince them for the last time, shall i live my home and go. i am very much tensed and can't find any solution. Please help me out.
Ok
thanks for the suggestions, but still i am afriad and tensed for the dicision i have taken, i am thinking that if my mother agrees with heavy heart and tells me to wait till next month, shall i wait.
My Husband is not ready to wait he is telling to say mom that i can't wait anymore. what shall i do.
Shall i do whatever decision i have taken please suggest.
i got married last 15 days back and know they have put me condition that i have to forget my parents and my relatives anf break all relation with my parents and if i go and meet my parents they will put me out from my house even my husband told me this. My family members are trying to take me out from that by giving me divorce from him.
My family members say that without our permission you got married and now you did not bring the dowry and they are not allowing me to be in contact with family members and not to go anywhere out. You are working and whole life they will make you to work, this all my family members are saying and telling my mom and dad to bring from my husband family as soon as possible. because further anything wrong should not happened.
My husband is saying me that either i should forget my family or i should forget him.
With 8 days of my maariage i am not happy in my husbands house. what decision my family members have took shall i go with that.
My in laws where very good before and even my husband, but i made a mistake and did not understand them. My in laws are still not asking me anything about dowry but my parents are saying that they will ask you in future and that when you have a child all the responsibility of looking after it will come on me because i am working. My husband even said me not to work but my in laws will not allow me to do that.
I am trapped in a very bad manner. my only worry is that shall i take my decision so soon of divorce from my husband wihtin 15 days of marriage or shall i test him.
My mom says no need to test him again.

Let me tell you everything in detail.
My husbands parents wanted to celeberate the marriage in a grand manner but they did not get a chance to do so because my parents did not agree and for that reason my in laws are angry on my family members and are not ready to send me to my parents house. My in laws say that why they did not agree for my marriage and now why i have to go to my parents house to stay with them. So they are forcing me to break all the relations with my parents and not to meet them at all.
My husband said that he will take me to my parents to meet them every 15 days and because my in laws are little bit angry everything will not be good very soon it will take time my husband made me understand that. He said that if i be good with my in laws they themselves will tell me to go and meet my parents. But the thing is i should have patience's.
I am also confused to take any step because still my in laws did not treat me bad only thing is they are telling me to break my parents relations. They still did not even ask me my salary, They are not behaving badly with me. My husband also said that he will keep me happy but i have to wait for sometime for the time to come.
My parents were against this marriage so they are interested in getting me back, my husband loves me a lot and never thought that i will be planning to take divorce from him, i think that if i go away from him he might do something to his life. He is afraid that i am listening to my parents and i will take some wrong decision against him.
My parents say that he is not so financial strong then in future is you have a child will he be able to take the responsibility, if he can't then i have to work, my parents say that will i work whole life for my husbands family and they will tell me to work because i did not bring dowry. Even my mother in laws says to try for some other job which is permanent. But i can't take in a wrong way. My husband said me not to work he will look after me, but i am afraid if he can't handle then i will loose my job. I want to go to other place and work for some good company but my husband is not ready to send me out.
Only thing is i hurried and got married and now again i am making hurry to end my relationship. am I doing right thing listening to my parents or should i do as my heart says. My parents say that don't think only about present, to think about future to be happy, and if I have a child I will be in much more problem. And my parents will not come to help me.
My parents say that I went against their words and got married but even they want me to be happy in future so they are telling me. I some times think that my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought that I will be much happy in future without my husband. I am totally confused and my life is messed up. I have to think from all the sides it is becoming very difficult for me.
My Husband also said that if I am pregnant he will not send me to my parents house. If I now say me to take me to my parents house he goes and fights with me along with my family members.

I thought of getting away from my husband before marriage but after registration. My parents are saying that my husband will not support me and that in future i will not be safe. I think that before i did not listen to my parents words that i will not be happy and even if i dont listen to them i will make hell of my life.
All my relatives and freinds say to come out from my husbands house as early as possible before its too late.
My husband even told me not to work and he will look after my expenses and everything else. He even said me if you dont even go for work from tomorrow he will be happy.
i can't understand what to do whom to listen. If i listen to my husband i think my parents will not spoil my life they might have thought good for me. And if i think of future i think i will not be safe.
I can't understand what decision to take. Should i support my husband or my parents. I have bright future outside my town but my husband is ot allowing me, i want to achieve something for myself and my future, but my husband is not ready to leave this towm. I am fed up thinking of all this and my future every day.

i got answers to all my questions, but i did not get answer when my in laws said to break the relationship with my parents family members and my sisters and relatives. Should i break the relation and keep quite. I want to meet my parents. My mother in law says that if i go to meet my parents she will drink even water from my hand and will not allow me to go even after 6 months or 1 year and no family members or sisters should come and meet me in my house my mother in law told me, what should i do for this, can u find me some solution so that i can meet my parents without any fear.

I agree to whatever you say might be i want to obey my parents after taking this wrong decision. But still i am trying to find hapiness in my husbands house but i am not finding it. I try to be happy but i can't be happy.
I got all the answer to my questions, but tell me my in laws are telling me to break relation with my parents and not to go and meet them and even my sisters and relatives, should i do that and sit quite and listen whatever they say, how can i be wihtout meeting my parents and sisters. They tell me if i go and meet parents then i have to go away from my husbands house permanently and no need to come back.
My husband during our fight last week also told me to remove whatever jwellery he had put and go to my mother place and not to come back, does anyone says this even in anger, i dont think so. My husband even told me i can go to my mothers place now so that if after 6 months if i get pergnant then if my family members done accept me it will b a problem for me. My husband also said that might be i am interested in getting married to my mother choice, does any one say that in anger, if he truly loves me he wouldnt say all this to me in front of his mother.
i only need answer that whether i should keep quite if my in laws say me to break the relation form my parents and be at home not to meet my parents and go to my relatives.But i can't do that its very difficult and impossible for me. Please suggest me something so that i can meet my parents frequently and freely without hiding from my in laws please.

If anyone can give Roopali a final Solution, You are noting less than God...

Her solution is simple, she needs to stand up for herself, believe in herself, and tell everyone to back off. That includes her husband, and if he doesn't like it, divorce him, and do her own thing that makes her happy, not everyone else.

She is trying to please everyone but herself. Thats what has to stop. It will, if she stands up for herself, as she needs none of them to be happy.

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My husband during our fight last week also told me to remove whatever jwellery he had put and go to my mother place and not to come back, does anyone says this even in anger, I don't think so. My husband even told me I can go to my mothers place now so that if after 6 months if I get pergnant then if my family members done accept me it will be a problem for me. My husband also said that might be I am interested in getting married to my mother choice, does any one say that in anger, if he truly loves me he wouldn't say all this to me in front of his mother.

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You are threatening to leave, to divorce, of course he's upset. Do you really expect him to just sit by while you whine and moan about the choices you made? I'd be angry too, and I'd say a heck of a lot worse to you then he did.

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I only need answer that whether I should keep quite if my in laws say me to break the relation form my parents and be at home not to meet my parents and go to my relatives.But I can't do that its very difficult and impossible for me. Please suggest me something so that I can meet my parents frequently and freely without hiding from my in laws please.

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Do you really expect us to make this decision for you? This is a decision that will (at least in your mind) change the rest of your life. We can't make this choice for you, that's up to you and only you.

Your parents aren't going to accept this marriage, you've made that very clear. Personally, I think your in-laws want you to break contact because they see that your parents are putting bad thoughts into your head. Thoughts of divorce, of leaving, of breaking the commitment you made. What kind of parents do that? Oh you, yours do. Doesn't sound like they care about your happiness at all, only their happiness and their standing in the community. That's not love and I think your in-laws see that.

You sound very young and very naïve. You got married on a whim, now you're regretting it. You should have thought about all of this before you said "I do".

You sound rather foolish and silly. I don't understand your culture but I do understand that all of this could have been avoided if you'd only thought things through a bit more. Now only your husband will suffer.

It's hard to feel sorry for you, and I don't. You made your bed, now lay in it.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Her solution is simple, she needs to stand up for herself, believe in herself, and tell everyone to back off. That includes her husband, and if he doesn't like it, divorce him, and do her own thing that makes her happy, not everyone else.

She is trying to please everyone but herself. Thats what has to stop. It will, if she stands up for herself, as she needs none of them to be happy.

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She is trying to please everyone but herself? Didn't she get married to the guy she loved (or she thought she did) for 3 years? She registered her marriage 6+ months back before the ceremony and now she seeks help. She married the guy to make herself happy and not to make him happy or his parents. Its now, after the ceremony that she regrets.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

You are threatening to leave, to divorce, of course he's upset. Do you really expect him to just sit by while you whine and moan about the choices you made? I'd be angry too, and I'd say a heck of a lot worse to you then he did.

Do you really expect us to make this decision for you? This is a decision that will (at least in your mind) change the rest of your life. We can't make this choice for you, that's up to you and only you.

Your parents aren't going to accept this marriage, you've made that very clear. Personally, I think your in-laws want you to break contact because they see that your parents are putting bad thoughts into your head. Thoughts of divorce, of leaving, of breaking the commitment you made. What kind of parents do that? Oh ya, yours do. Doesn't sound like they care about your happiness at all, only their happiness and their standing in the community. That's not love and I think your in-laws see that.

You sound very young and very naive. You got married on a whim, now you're regretting it. You should have thought about all of this before you said "I do".

You sound rather foolish and silly. I don't understand your culture but I do understand that all of this could have been avoided if you'd only thought things through a bit more. Now only your husband will suffer.

It's hard to feel sorry for you, and I don't. You made your bed, now lay in it.

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You made your point and i agree completely. but its not just her husband who will suffer. She will too,,

Divorce in India is not well accepted as it is in the west. Its easy for men but women suffer a lot. We women are still looked down upon. Once divorced, the society will blame the woman (in roopali's case,I feel she deserves it) and these women find it hard to be married again.

Based on what Roopali has mentioned, she comes from a middle class/lower middle class family. Those from this particular class find it even more harder to be accepted if divorced. Some even get the tag of a prostitute. One never understands this until the end. Its only after the divorce that people start talking.

As far as roopali's problem is concerned, there is nothing I'm going to say. Don't get into water if you don't know how to swim...

That seems to be not enough, as after making such a move as marriage she cannot then stop doing as she wants, and concede to everyone else's whims, and wishes. She must still stand up for herself, and do what she thinks is right for herself.

You cannot be independent enough to go against HER PARENTS, only to give in to the in laws. Does that make sense?

I may be wrong, given I am American, but to go from one being dominated in one situation, to another cannot be good.

She stood up to her parents, now she must stand up to her in laws, and even her husband to get the kind of life she wants to make for herself.

No one can define her happiness but her. This is the root cause of her problem, everyone is telling her what to do and its not making her happy.

Solution, do what makes her happy. Sure, some feathers will be ruffled, feelings will be hurt, and people will be mad. That's life, and she needs to live it her own way to be happy, and stand for herself, or fall for whatever everyone else wants.

Does anything Roopali said make sense..
She wanted to be married, she got married.
Now she wants divorce, hardly 8 days after marriage (mentioned in previous threads). She says the reason is that she is not happy with her in-laws.
Then another reason comes out - her parents want her to be divorced and in laws are good, treating her well.
Yet another reason - in-laws asking her to break any relation with parents.

She says her husband loves her a lot. But complains about him too.

Sonia (Roopali), you are missing. If you read this, kindly explain.

WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE..

roopali143, why did you get married in the first place? In the beginning you sounded like you love him so much that you can't live without him. And now that you found out that the guy you loved don't want you to work, you want to get away from the man you love? You should have had a long discussion before the marriage. My suggestion for you at this time is for you to grow up. If you don't want this marriage because you want to work than you have made your choice. Only you can free yourself from this situation.

It sounds like the Roopali143 jumps from one thing to the other without any thought to the future.

First she wants to get married, even though her parents expressed that they didn't want her to. Now she is married and doesn't want to stay because all of a sudden her parents are making sense.

This isn't a game, this is marriage. When you marry you take the good times with the bad. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you made your bed, now lay in it.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

It sounds like the Roopali143 jumps from one thing to the other without any thought to the future.

First she wants to get married, even though her parents expressed that they didn't want her to. Now she is married and doesn't want to stay because all of a sudden her parents are making sense.

This isn't a game, this is marriage. When you marry you take the good times with the bad. I've said it before and I'll say it again, you made your bed, now lay in it.

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I had gone to my mothers home for three days without informing my husband and his family. I thought my husband will come and take me but he did not come he came after two days when after my relatives (not my parents) forcing me to give complaint against my husband that he is not keeping me good at home they forced me to give false statement. His mother was not ready to take me home because I did not inform her and go but even I have come back, my mother in law is not talking to me at all now. I have come only for my husband. Will my relationship will continue. Will I be able to live happily in my husbands family ahead. Please suggest.

I suggest you, and your husband get some ground rules, as to how you live with this marriage. Nobody else's opinion even counts.

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Originally Posted by roopali143

I had gone to my mothers home for three days without informing my husband and his family. i thought my husband will come and take me but he did not come he came after two days when after my relatives (not my parents) forcing me to give complaint against my husband that he is not keeping me good at home they forced me to give false statement. his mother was not ready to take me home because i did not inform her and go but even i have come back, my mother in law is not talking to me at all now. i have come only for my husband. will my relationship will continue. will i be able to live happily in my husbands family ahead. please suggest.

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No, you won't live happily with your husband, because you aren't willing to work on the relationship, you just expect everyone to do what you want them to do, without any regard to what they want.

You gave a false statement saying that you husband "is not keeping you in a good home". What does that mean exactly? Did you say that he hurts you? I don't understand what the quality of the home has to do with anything.

As for your mother-in-law no longer talking to you, well DUH! You gave a false statement against her son, what did you think she'd do, welcome you with open arms?

Also, you went to your parents house and now you're upset that your husband didn't immediately come get you? You left. Personally, if I was him, I would have left you there, you're more trouble then you're worth.

Get the divorce, set the poor guy and his family free from your selfishness and insanity.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Get the divorce, set the poor guy and his family free from your selfishness and insanity.

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So far, I was thinking about Roopali, her life will be a living hell if she gets a divorce. But after reading her last 2-3 replies, I pity her hubby and his family.

Altenweg, you got it right. Least, he can live a happy live if she is gone.

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Originally Posted by Silver Lining

So far, i was thinking about Roopali, her life will be a living hell if she gets a divorce. But after reading her last 2-3 replies, i pity her hubby and his family.

Altenweg, you got it right. least, he can live a happy live if she is gone.

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I am sorry for all the mistakes I have done so far, I am know in my husbands house and my in laws are not talking to me but I convinced them and asked to forgive me know they are sometimes talking to me, but my problem is that my husband has stopped talking to my in laws at all because my husband thinks that he has not done any mistake and that my husband also asked to forgive him but even then my in laws are not talking to them at all. I begged my husband to talk ti my in laws but my husbad says that why should he go and talk to my in laws, why they can't come and talk to me even if I asked sorry to them and even if it was not his fault. Know my husband says that his parents should come and talk to them first and then he will start talking to them and my in laws say that my husband should talk first. Know in between all this I am suffering, although I had made the mistake my husband is suffering a lot from his mind and heart that his parents are not talking to him. I have made everything proper but the thing is that if my husband starts talking to his parents then everything will be normal as it was before. I told my husband to talk to his parents several times but he is not ready what to do.

Also I am going to job bcause my husband needs some financial support from me at the beginning because during our marriage no one helped us. But my sisters and all are saying me to leave the job and take rest for some days. My husband says till we have a child I can go to work. My sisters also say that it's the duty of my husband to look after me after my marriage and I should not go to work and earn it's a shame to me husband my sisters tell me. What should I do Is it good to leave the job at this moment. Please suggest I need your help.

You are a greedy little girl, aren't you?

You're the cause of all of these problems. All of them!

Now he ask you to work, to help out, because he won't get financial help from his family, because of you. But, because it might look bad you want to stay home and do what? Pick you nose?

Go to work, earn some money, help out the man you married and so far, whose life you've destroyed.

You don't need our help, you need psychological help. You don't deserve what you've got.

I am wondering why everyone is telling you what to do, and your supposed to be the Queen of the house.

All that talking with your husband, and you never talked of finances and the way you run your house, before you married him?

This is unbelievable.

You are guilty of separating a son from his parents. I'd never forgive myself if I was the cause for my husband's problems, specially if he and his parents end up not talking to each other.
A husband taking care of wife after marriage was in the 18th century. Now its 2way. If you are thinking of NOT supporting him, better wash his legs soon as he gets home and be his slave,, that's how women were back then when Husbands looked after them.

I have re-read all the posts, and the only thing that makes sense to me is old world clashes with new world.

It is impossible for non-Indians to truly understand the 'rules' and obligations and demands.

While Roopali is educated and quite capable of making her own way in this world without the 'help' of either set of parents, she is stuck trying to please both.

It seems easy enough- just walk away, start over. But, that will still cause a great divide in both families. The aftermath is almost as bad as the upset over the marriage. Divorce will affect everybody in both families.

This isn't being between a rock and a hard place, it's about being between a boulder and an avalanche.

The only thing I can think of that I don't think has been considered, is to meet with a spiritual advisor to help everybody understand what their options are, and how to possibly mend fences. It will not please everybody, but maybe a compromise of some sort can be reached.

If a religious authority can help sort this mess out, it would be far better for all.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

I have re-read all the posts, and the only thing that makes sense to me is old world clashes with new world.

It is impossible for non-Indians to truly understand the 'rules' and obligations and demands.

While Roopali is educated and quite capable of making her own way in this world without the 'help' of either set of parents, she is stuck trying to please both.

It seems easy enough- just walk away, start over. But, that will still cause a great divide in both families. The aftermath is almost as bad as the upset over the marriage. Divorce will affect everybody in both families.

This isn't being between a rock and a hard place, it's about being between a boulder and an avalanche.

The only thing I can think of that I don't think has been considered, is to meet with a spiritual advisor to help everybody understand what their options are, and how to possibly mend fences. It will not please everybody, but maybe a compromise of some sort can be reached.

If a religious authority can help sort this mess out, it would be far better for all.

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Does age difference matters in any love marriage relationships. Because my husband is 6 years elder to me. Is there any problem with that. Please suggest

That depends. How old are you.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

That depends. How old are you.

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I am 24 years old and my husband is 30 years. Does that make any problem in our married life. Does age difference have any problem with me ahead. Please advise.