 |
Yeah I changed my pwords. Accually the lady who runs the site and knows me, saw him posting (he was even saying it was him) and locked my account for me hehe.
Yeah I'm definitely going to have him apply. Or ask him anyway. Not sure what he will say lol. Thanks hon
Jennie, is there a hospital in your area? Hospitals are great places to work. You could get a job from eight to noon in food services or housekeeping, or something else less stressful. The pay would be a lot better than Subway or Walmart, and you'd probably get health care benefits to boot. Have your hubs apply, too. It's worth a shot, at least if there's a hospital near you.
Mmm not close enough for not having a car. But accually you gave me a great idea with working in food services and housekeeping, in which I could definitely go check out her school. I know a lot of the positions are volunteer, but they might pay for cafeteeria workers or janitorial stuff.
Thanks hon
I haven't finished reading this thread and I will, but I wanted to add that you have to remember your husband is challenged. You have to remember yourself that you have triggers. I think that you should take the time needed to calm down a 1000. If you are not working and your are disabled, is their not disability income that you can get each month? SSI?
I have not been around much.
Would like to say that, I know you mentioned that your husband has certain issues. The thing I see a lot. I am guilty and everybody else in this world is guilty, but people tend to always focus on the negative.
The more you focus on all the negative or what to be perceived a negative will just make more negatives.
You might not have meant it a bad way, but when talking about your husband and him being mentally slow seems to me as something you want to make an issue of.
We all have our own shortfalls. We all have our strong points and weak points.
In a marriage it is about supporting each other and working through all of that and trying to balance that out with each other.
Is it worth working on. Yes, it is. Marriage is about good and the bad, rich and the poor, healthy and sick. It is about being committed at all times and working through those rough times.
Now there are exceptions to the rule of course, but those do not apply to you guys.
I would say continue the counseling and continue trying to make things work. You both need to learn how to listen to each other and support each other, and figure out better ways of approaching situations like money , etc.
As Alty said, many marriages fail because of money problems it is a shame considering no matter what the person is worth more then any money whether there is enough or not. Having each other should be more important.
Take care,
Joe
You have said that you haven't been hired at any of the places you've applied. Have youfilled out an app. Then while turning it in, TO A MANAGER- immediately ask if there is time to consider employment? Go in the mornings, hiring mgrs usually work in the AM. I have had many part time or fast food jobs in my adolescence and I've never been turned down once.
In the mean time, ask friends if you can clean for them, or elderly friends if you can shop for them for some extra cash. What you earn goes into a personal bank account that you can use to budget, and he has no access to. Put it under your moms name if you have to, or can.
That's the one thing I don't understand. There are jobs out there, if you look hard enough. There's also busing, if you don't have a car.
Jennie, if your husband can get a job with all his disabilities then surely you can as well.
I really think these are just excuses. I understand, it's hard to get back in the work force when you've been at home for so long, but it's time to suck it up and do what's best for your family.
You will have to anyway. After all, if you divorce your husband, how will you survive? He's the only bread winner in the household.
A job in a school cafeteria would be good because you would have pretty much the same days and times off as your kids.
I do not want to judge Jennie, but I have a very hard time understanding her position here with why she is not seeking employment. I really feel that if the disability was that bad she would qualify for SSI without a doubt. The hubs is most likely intelligent enough to be resentful. It's not fair to take advantage of him in this way.
She calls the shots and he works hard. His creature comforts are not that much to ask for hard days work. Come to think of it, it's not his complete fault that they "can't afford it". IF they both brought something in it wouldn't be an issue. Her solution to bringing something in the house is by way of either the system or her mother, that is hard to understand. Jennie no hard feelings here, but you have to get up and get out and be front and center in getting your family financially secure.
I'm just having a hard time stomaching this.
Jennie, a while back I questioned the amount of time you spend on AMHD and other websites. You've admitted to belonging to at least one more. All this while watching other people's children.
You also admit that you play a lot of games on line, again, while supposedly running a day home.
Now, your poor husband, who rides his bike to work every day, while you sit at home and play on the computer, is being made to feel like he's failing his family. Not the case Jennie.
He makes only $1000/month, but, how much do you make?
You scold him for buying cigarettes and take out. What do you buy?
Jennie, I'm sorry, you know that I'll say it like it is, no matter what, and I think you need to hear this. I don't think hubby is the problem, you are.
Only you can change the way things are. Get out there, make money, stop complaining about every penny he spends of the money he's bringing in. Find a way to help instead of complaining that things aren't the way you want them to be.
And I do agree with MsMe, if you're too disabled to work, why don't you qualify for SSI?
It's time to stop feeling sorry for yourself, get off your butt and change the way things are.
*sigh*
I'm sorry everyone, I'm getting everything confused is all. I asked the same question here, and also on my support group (for women/men married to mentally challenged spouses) and I'm getting a lot of posts mixed up. So I forget what I say and what I don't say here and there.
Issac doesn't want me to work. He and I both have always felt and agreed after a lot of discussing that I should be at home with ayla.
Now, that has changed, with ayla being at school. She JUST started Monday. And I am currently looking for a job.
You guys can say I am not looking hard enough. It doesn't bother me. I know how hard I look, and how hard I try. How much have you seen me on here lately? Ayla is at school most of the day for the last week... yet... im not spending all my time playing and goofing off on the computer. I am looking for a job.
And the way everyone is making it sound, is, since I don't work, he should be allowed to spend any and all the money he wants to, simply because he makes it. Well I'm sorry, that is NOT how marriage works. Yes he makes the money. But I bust my a$$ every single payday every two weeks to make it work.
I don't buy myself any extras. Ever. Oh wait... sorry. I got an 80c pack of gum yesterday.
All our money goes to our bills. Yes, we don't have many bills. But we also don't make a lot of money, and we are paying 60% of our income for rent alone at the moment. I am looking for a cheaper place, we are on the section 8 waiting list, on the HUD list, and I have looked into so many different affordable housing units and all the ones I have looked at have waiting lists of 3 or more years. So I put us on those waiting lists too, and wait to see what happens first.
I agree nohhelp about the school being a great idea, not only that, I will get to eat lunch with ayla too. And ill be there if something happens and that makes me feel better (I still have some of the first time jitters hehe)
So anyway. UPDATE!!
Me and issac talked about it a few hours ago. Once again, he apologised. We cried together, explained our feelings. He said he was sorry for being such an a-hole yesterday, and said he agreed that he doesn't need a debit card and that he was sorry he threw a fit over it.
He also likes the idea of when the rent is caught up and we pay off the payday advance we got a few weeks ago, we are going to get him a walmart gift card with some money on it each payday (we are still working with the budget to work out how much each payday)
Then we sat down and looked at the budget together again (we did it a few months ago and he said everything was fine, but he probably forgot. And I did a search (we use quicken) for all of the purchases he did (I label all of them, and all of his purchases has his name on them and all of mine have my name on them, and anything for the family as a whole has 'family' on it) and we found out, and I was unaware of it too, that after all is said and done, he has spent a total of 56 dollars this month. And the month isn't even over yet... what made him upset (and me as well) is the fact that he has been telling ayla that as soon as we can afford it we will get that converter box for the basic TV. You know, the channels 3-20 that used to be on rabbit ears? As of now, we could have gotten that converter box 2 months ago, if we had been saving that money instead of buying sodas candy and mc donalds. He agreed with me that it was selfish of him.
So... as far as this fight, I think its good, and we are going to talk to my counselor about some sessions together (his office doesn't offer it we checked already)
Thank you everyone for your support and advice. I know I also have some things to work on myself. And I am going to give it my all. I promise.
And I know that many of you ladies (and gents) are bluntly spoken :) no worries. No one was offensive or mean. And my personality has ALWAYS needed that blunt constructive criticism to make me see things clearer. It used to drive my mom crazy ;)
Love you all. Have a good night. *hugs*
I understand, I looked for work for months filling 100's of applications one year and my daughter and her boyfriend would always be hired everywhere and I never did get a job.
Also right now the problem since you can't just jump into a job that doesn't exist for you, at this point, is you DO have to make due with what you do get to work with NOW. If he isn't going to be cooperative until you do get a paycheck then it could mean your losing what you do have.
Check with school cafeterias.
Post an ad on Craigslist to clean houses or look and see if there is something posted looking to hire
craigslist: phoenix classifieds for jobs, apartments, personals, for sale, services, community, and events
I always say I live on the air I breath, you have to make things work for you. I know its easier said than done because things are always falling apart for me too.
Thanks nohelp. I don't know WHY you chose that name :P you give plenty of GOOD help.
Yeah I'm going to talk to aylas school tomorrow and see if they have an opening in the cafeteria. And accually you made a good point that gave me a good idea about the cleaning houses. I live in an apartment complex :P and we are allowed to posts ads for things like that. So I will definitely do that!
That sounds great Jennie.Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniepepsi
I'm sorry if I sounded harsh, I'm blunt to a fault. It's either a good thing, or a bad thing, depends on the day. ;)
Let us know how it goes.
No worries alty. You care. And that's what's important. What bothers me is people who are mean and harsh, but don't care either way you know?
Your not mean and harsh. Just blunt ;)
Blunt to a fault. ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniepepsi
Really though, let us know how it goes.
If you want help with a resume, I'm pretty good at that, so let me know. :)
Ill definitely let everyone know.
Just wanted to add, that you are the prey of Payday Advance loans, so once you have this paid off, do EVERYTHING in your power to never take out another.Quote:
Originally Posted by jenniepepsi
The interest rate on a Payday loan is often about 400% compounded daily, which in turn means to payoff the loan you will pay double to four times as much as you borrowed.
It may seem like the best immediately solution, but with a budget as tight as yours the payments can't possibly be managed. Whenever possible find other solutions because in the end paying double to four times what you borrowed can be very painful to your budget in the future.
Jennie I'm glad things are looking up. I hope you take the advice given here to heart. Just because there's a calm now , doesn't mean it won't happen again next month. You should commit to seeing that it doesn't. The most important thing , right now, is additional income. Did Isaac consider a second job ? Are you willing to check with neighbors on odd jobs? Hit the pavement. The most important thing is to get out there every day and talk to people, check on available jobs. You may have to compromise your time with your daughter as to better provide for her. You may have to get a dirty, nasty job for now. There is something out there, for now. There is something out there for long term. Isaac doesn't want you to work. I say it's the only option for now. Time with Ayla broke , arguing , not able to buy her a nice toy, a special diet,(better than fast food), is not in HER best interest is it? And don't take it the wrong way, but Alty was right. It's not just Isaac.
Remember when you point the finger at someone, you've three times that many pointing at yourself.
And Isaac , in my opinion, needs a SPECIAL hug, and favorite meal .Meet him at the door wearing only perfume. He may not understand that he's not a bad guy. He works hard, and he doesn't do THAT bad. Like I said, be grateful he doesn't drink or take drugs.
I hope things get better. GOD bless.
Yes your right. I'm never doing it again lol. I went to just one of those hole in the wall payday loan places and that was a bad idea. We got 200$ last month to cover rent (issac was sick for a few days and we were very short) and because of interest we are paying back 340 grrr.Quote:
Originally Posted by Justwantfair
Then I found out that my bank (usaa) offers direct deposit advances. So I looked into the fine print on those, and there is no interest, its got a flat rate nominal fee of 30$. So in emergencys that would be better lol. But I doubt we will be doing it again no matter HOW good the 'deal' seems LOL.
Yeah I am. I agree, that while I enjoy being home, and believe that a wife/mother SHOULD be at home, its NOT practacal in today's econimy unfortunately. And even more unfortunately, my aunt doesn't see it that way. She is a sahm and refuses to get a job EVER, mainly because of their religon, (christian, but orthodox something, I forget) and my uncle lost his job a few weeks ago, and though he got unimployment and a severance pay (it was a layoff not a fire) they are struggling badly with their 3 kids. And I would NEVER accept something like that and stay home.Quote:
Originally Posted by jmjoseph
I wanted to add that I think some of you are confused. Ayla and I aren't getting mc donalds. Its issac getting mc donalds at work (walmart has a mcdonalds inside the store)
I know its not just issac. While I'm not spending our money, I DO nitpic, and that's not right.
Right now I'm confused lol. I hope when I call my psychologist later today when they open, that she can do marriage sessions as well as my individual ones, because some of my friends (you guys are my friends right? :p ) on here and on my support group are contradicting each other. Some of you are saying 'you have to remember he is mentally challenged' and some people are saying 'you can't keep using his disability as an excuse'
So hopefully when I talked to my doctor again, she can shed some light on things as far as his disability goes.
Yeah we hugged a lot last night, and tonight I'm making a crockpot roast (its his favorite hehe)
Thank you everyone. *hugs*
Hey girl.
I was out yesterday so I wasn't able to catch you. I just skimmed through your thread to catch up.
Trust me I understand where you are coming from financially. I was thinking of how I make side money and thought you might be able to do it to. I sell all of my sons old clothes on eBay. I had a neighbor who went thrift shopping and garage sale shopping and then resold that on eBay. I have been doing it for years. I love it. Make your own hours, make your own pay. The only hassle is the post office. But maybe your mom can help you and take you to mail your packages out once a week or something. I mean this way your still home, but there is money coming in.
Also I agree with something Alty said a few posts back. Why not look at both sides and stop blaming your husband 100%. It takes two for a marriage. Why not sit and think how great it is that he has kept his job and he is providing. In this day, its hard finding a job let alone keeping one. Just be happy he can still provide to you what he does.
Jennie, yes he is mentally challenged, but it cannot be used as an excuse. The mentally challenged CAN be taught. My BIL is mentally challenged, much more so that your husband and he follows a budget very well.
If you use his disability as an excuse, he will catch on.
Boundaries need to be set and adhered to. Sure he's going to be p1ssed off, but he will get over it. I speak from experience.
I just was reading this again and catching up and had an idea that I think may work for you. Do you have a caretaker at your apartment building or is their an owner that you can speak with about either becoming the caretaker or helping them to clean out units or the property for a certain percentage off your rent? Ah-ha... check that out. I hope you don't consider me one of the ones that doesn't care... I wouldn't spend time answering if I didn't. I want to see you succeed and be happy while doing it.
Jennie, doesn't your hubby have aspergers? If so, I have some ideas for you.
That's a great idea sunny! I do have a lot of crap laying around doing nothing that I have thought about taking to the goodwill, but selling it on eBay would be a great idea! Thanks!
I agree J_9, and he does get pissed off when I come right out and say to him in the middle of an argument 'issac, I love you, and I understand that sometimes it is hard for you, but you KNOW how to do this and have done it BEFORE and you've GOT to stop'
And then he assumes I'm saying he is stupid and gets really defensive.
I think it comes from his family. His mother never got him the help he needed, and when CPS tried to take him away from her for that reason (his teachers were concerned) she sent him to mexico for several years with family. And now as an adult, his mother and several family members still to this day call him stupid and retarded. We have basically cut off from his family except a few members who love him and us. I know, again, how his family treated him isn't an excuse, as my own mother was abusive when I was young (she went to a psychiatrist and got help and is SO amazing now) wow I'm rambling. Sorry!
Mew, I have done that. And the apartment complex sent me to the company that manages the apartments and I put an application in, but like a lot of places they said that they aren't hiring at the moment. But they have my application if that changes. It would be even cooler too because people who work for the apartments get reduced rent to live here lol.
Thank you again everyone *hugs* and thank you for letting me vent and not getting angry at me for it. I really do feel much better not only talking to him about it, but talking it all out with everyone here.
Hey J_9,
We aren't sure what he has. I'm not sure if its aspergers simply because isn't aspergers/autism something that happens with your genetic makeup? He is the way he is because when he was being born he was trapped in the birth canal and deprived of oxygen for nearly 10 minutes before they were able to get him out with forceps. I think that's what happened.
But its entirely possible that he already had some issues and the lack of oxygen made it worse maybe.
Time to get ready for school. :) talk to you guys later.
All right guys... help me out here... what do I do now?
For the last 2 days alls been great. We've been talking about everything, and getting along.
I thought everything was going to be fine.
Well last night he asked if we had any money to buy shaving cream and deoderant.
I say no, we have like 12c in the bank. So I give him 5$ cash of what was suppose to be our landry money.
Well this morning he let me sleep in. it was very nice of him, because I haven't gotten to sleep past 6am for a long time. So I got to sleep until 8 when he went to work.
I find a note that says he took my debit card.. knowing we only had 12 cents... and he left the 5$ cash I gave him. Didn't tell me why.
So he called me about an hour after he got to work and said 'whats your PIN? Your debit card isn't working' I'm like... DUDE, I TOLD you there is only .12 cents!! What part of that doesn't he understand?
So what do I do about this??
I would bet he doesn't understand because he is always just told.
Jennie,
I remember you saying in another thread that you and hubby have been trying for another child. Please tell me you've put that on hold for now.
As for the debit card, his understanding, only the two of you can work this out. We can give advice, but you do have to learn to handle these little bumps by yourself.
You two have to learn to communicate better. Instead of telling him try talking to him. Instead of controlling, try working together. You cannot be the only one that controls the money, especially since he's the one making the money.
Maybe if he had more say in things he'd be better.
Also, you can't expect things to change in two days. Marriage is a constant work in progress, but you have to work together, otherwise what's the point?
Like Alty said its only been two days. Changes don't happen over night. Sometimes they don't happen at all. But you have to work on it over and over and keep the communication open or you will never get better.
If he over draws your account show him the overdraft fee that it will cause. In the end that 5 dollar lunch he wanted will maybe cost you 35 because of all the fees. I don't know. Its something you have to work on together and show him in black and white.
I was also wondering about your book keeping. I remember you saying that you don't have a computer. You use the one in your apartment complex. Then I remember you saying you keep track of your expenses and what not on the computer in Quick Books. Are you doing this on a public computer? Be careful. Anyone these days can hack anything. Trust me. I am not computer smart but I promise you I could use that computer after you and get all your info. Trust me I can. I had to learn quickly after my husbands internet porn problem. I can find out anything on a computer if I need to. Please be careful or your money issues won't be only because of your husband.
I've done all this guys. We have been married 3 years. And have gone through all of the working together, doing the budget together, we tried just him doing the budget (nothing got paid) no this is our computer. Only me and him get on it (and my daughter but she isn't on the internet she is on her learning games)
Yes we have stopped trying to have another baby.
Oh which public one do you use? I guess I misunderstood. I remember one day you saying you were on the computer and your daughter was with you and this guy came in the room and was mean to her.
Oh that was in the apartment complex business center. I don't go over there all the time. Just when I need to and can't get online at home.
Jennie this was my point. You didn't expect things to magically get better because he said he would try to do better, and you two hugged. This is the same issue as before, and the same issue that will be coming up over, and over, and over again. That is, unless you make some changes. Number one on the list is get additional income. Find something. Something. ANYTHING.
You've got a lot of people pulling for you. And praying. Take that energy and do something positive with it. Have you talked to area churches? Our church helps people get their head above water.
Go talk to some pastors. At least until things get better. Get out and make a change. The answer is not going to knock on YOUR door. Come fall in your lap. The true answer to your problem is not here, it's out there. Things are tough all over, but there are resources available. Go find them. This is a survival situation. You'll have to crawl before you can walk. I wish you the best, as always.
One thing to keep in mind is things can only get so bad and then they have to get better. You can't expect us to give you the answer. You have been in these threads. None of us have answers. Only experience and advice. I think I can speak for most of us in saying you need to get out and try to find a second income. Then take it from there. Talk to him until he is blue in the face. It might take weeks or months. But the changes have to start with you. Meaning communication. Don't give up on him. He seems like a good guy. He just doesn't seem like he fully understands. Marriage can really be stinky at times. But that's why its better when you do pull through. You can look back and say "hey everyone we did it!"
We can give you a shoulder to lean on, push you in the right direction but only you can do the work and yes, it is work.
How long were you and hubby together before you go married? Did you know he was like this? If so, then you never should have gotten married. Too late now, you made a commitment and I really don't think that getting a divorce is the answer, this can be worked out, but both of you have to work at it, in more ways then one.
He has a job, he works, he brings home the money. No, it's not enough, but he's doing the best he can.
You have to do the same Jennie. None of us can do it for you, this is all up to you. There are jobs out there. No, they're not dream jobs, no, they won't be easy, but they're there if you want them, you just have to look for them.
You can either sit at home and cry about not having enough money, or you can get up, get out, and make money, help your family.
There are so many opportunities out there, and being able to bring some money into the household may just make you have a better outlook on your marriage and a better understanding of your husband.
Monster jobs (I remember you saying you posted there, looked there) is one of the least reliable methods of getting a job. Most of it is bull, in my experience.
If you want a job, get a newspaper, type up a resume and hit the streets. Mail, email, or drop off in person. Go while Ayla is in school. There's no reason you can't find something. Reallly.
No more excuses, time to do it. As for your husband, if you married him thinking you could change him, well, you're now learning the hard way that it's unreasonable to think you can. Either accept him, work with him, find some way to live together, or leave.
It's time to fish or cut bait.
What a thread, and does it ever remind me of the good old days (being bah-roke). It ain't easy, but the one thing you can control, is your attitude, and since you take trazadone, which I did for a while, I'm sure you have to follow the prescription as its an anti-depressant that has to build up in the body to be effective.
This will help you stay calm, and have better reactions, and you can see where your over reacting and that does no one any good. Staying calm does, so take your meds and keep working toward a better day. It will happen, its just hard to see right now. Tell hubby to stretch his cigarettes out and shave with soap and water like the rest of us hairy slobs until he can afford shaving cream.
Make him a lunch for work, that's what we had to do, and keep pressing on.
Honestly, most young couples are supposed to struggle in the early years (as you are in), so they can have something to look back on and laugh about. Its all in how you deal with it, and only you can control your attitude.
His cigarettes should be in his budget, and when he runs out, tough. Been there, done that. (stilling doing it too, Hmmmm!)
The others have been giving you some great advice, so deal with your situation with the right attitude. You can do this, I know you can, as we all started with nothing, too!
Jennie, I hope you don't think we're being mean. The soap and water shaving trick is not the only thing I had to do. I was living by myself, broke as hell. Well I had run out of toilet paper, napkins, paper towels, anything to use in the restroom. Well, I did have a extra large pack of coffee filters. Yes, I just admitted to using coffee filters to wipe my rear end. It worked. And all is well. I was glad to have them, as they worked better than pine straw. I told you that for two reasons. One, was to give you a good laugh, two , was to show that you can make do, and be resourceful. Go find a way out of this rut. Go find your own pack of coffee filters.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:42 AM. |