Ask Me Help Desk - I'm seeing a married man.am I horrible?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

i just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants i needed.

And im not a tramp. Well at least, i dont think i am

You are to his wife, realize that, accept it, because that's what she would think if she found out. Wouldn't you?

I hope the counselling works. Every one has been through something, it's what you do in the future, despite your past, that's important.

I wish you all the best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

I just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants I needed.

And I'm not a tramp. Well at least, I don't think I am

Well done.

I wish you only good luck in your journey - you may find counselling will be hard and you'll feel resistant and defensive, but don't give up.

I'm into 'corny' today, so I'll finish with a quote from Charles D**kens... (A Tale of Two Cities)...

Quote:

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.

Thanks for that... its so hard to relay what I'm really going through.. there is more to it than just my infedelity with the married man... (as you will know if you have read my other questions on this site) I've been livng a life that has me me happy but obviously not nessessarly the right way to live... I don't want to be unhappy but I don't want to feel cut off from the world

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

i just made an appointment to speak to a professional. Maybe this was the kick in the pants i needed.

And im not a tramp. Well at least, i dont think i am

I'm really glad you can see what we're trying to say and are are taking positive steps to try to help yourself :)

I know that counseling will work as long as your open to it.

I have been hit on by married guys but I never gave the time or day. I would simply tell them to go home to your wife and the conversation would end there. So it doesn't matter who came on to who.

You said you wouldn't see a future with this guy even if he was single and you don't want him now so continue dealing with him? Cut things off with him and leave him alone. You can turn this wrong into a right. You can end things now and never put yourself in this situation again and start working of yourself.

If you were to leave him believe me he would find someone else. When one pair of legs close another one will be open. Maybe he will go back to his prostitutes but it doesn't matter where he will go because it is his business.

Just don't waste another day with him because this is all your doing--wasting your time when you could be doing something more worth while.

Yes! Very horrible. Find your own single man!

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Originally Posted by DCLoya

Yes! Very horrible. Find your own single man!

I think you need to read all the posts before adding something, you'll see that Meow actually came to some really positive conclusions.

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Originally Posted by liz28

I know that counseling will work as long as your open to it.

You said you wouldn't see a future with this guy even if he was single and you don't want him now so continue dealing with him? Cut things off with him and leave him alone. You can turn this wrong into a right. You can end things now and never put yourself in this situation again and start working of yourself.

.

I don't see a future with him or any man. I don't want a full blown relationship. Once a week or once a month to hang out with my partner is enough for me. Most people don't understand it. But I don't expect people to. I guess I have a different outlook on things.

I am going to see someone tues next week. Hopefully they can help put my mind in the right place

What do you think about marriage and fidelity, Meow420?

What do they represent, to you?

Thanks!

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

I think you need to read all the posts before adding something, you'll see that Meow actually came to some really positive conclusions.

thank you Gemini x x x x:)

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Originally Posted by Clough

What do you think about marriage and fidelity, Meow420?

What do they represent, to you?

Thanks!

OK well when it comes to fidelity I guess I view things a little differently. Im very open about my partners having sex outside the relationship. I don't believe that all of us can be monogamous to our partners. To me, sex and love are two different things. I can have sex with someone else, but that does not take away the love I have for my partner.

I understand that some men wander and that does not worry me. When Im in a relationship, they can sleep with whoever they choose, as long as they come home to me. To me, cheating only occurs when they give their heart and love to someone else.

Ive never been one to dream of marriage. If I get married, that's fine, but if I don't, it will not worry me. Being happy is the most important. I respect those that do enter into a marriage and do not judge when they also get divorced. (now is the time that those who disagree will say that by being with a married man, I am disrespecting THEIR marriage. I don't believe I am, only because I do not wish to break them up. I do not wish to steal him away from her. I do respect her. I feel bad for her if he ever gets caught. I don't know... I'm starting to lose my train of thought... )

I think I'm making myself look bad by saying this.. I think I will stop..

Well, you're sharing the way that you feel and think. That's a good thing! I'm not going to be the type of person to judge you here. That's simply not me.

I am trying to get you ready and primed for questions that you're likely to get when you attend your counseling sessions.

Believe me, I've been there, done that!

I really do appreciate the honesty and you being upfront in the way that you answered!

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Well, you're sharing the way that you feel and think. That's a good thing! I'm not going to be the type of person to judge you here. That's simply not me.

I am trying to get you ready and primed for questions that you're likely to get when you attend your counseling sessions.

Believe me, I've been there, done that!

I really do appreciate the honesty and you being upfront in the way that you answered!

Thanks!

Is he guna ask me hard questions? Oh dear lol I'm getting nervous. What if he thinks that the way I think its messed up? Do I then have to change my whole belief system?

Seeing a counselor is a process that can take a long time.

You've already taken the first steps to entering the process. Please give yourself a chance and be open to what might be said and happen in that process.

When I was married in the early 1980's, my wife and I were having problems. She sought out a counselor. Me, being the macho guy that I was, thought that she and I could work things out by ourselves. Wrong!

After awhile though, I did consent to go to joint counseling with her. I was resistant at first. After a number of sessions with the counselor, I was finding out so many things about myself and how to cope with them, that I was really enjoying it!

After awhile, my wife quit going to the sessions, but I continued because I was enjoying it so much! My wife and I were later divorced, but that was for choices and things that the counseling sessions really couldn't solve or help

Not everyone can get along with everyone else...

Our children realize that...

One thing lead to another, and I then "graduated" to a different level of counseling and also group therapy.

It was all a very mind-opening and helpful experience, to me, for the years that I attended.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Seeing a counselor is a process that can take a long time.

You've already taken the first steps to entering the process. Please give yourself a chance and be open to what might be said and happen in that process.

When I was married in the early 1980's, my wife and I were having problems. She sought out a counselor. Me, being the macho guy that I was, thought that she and I could work things out by ourselves. Wrong!

After awhile though, I did consent to go to joint counseling with her. I was resistant at first. After a number of sessions with the counselor, I was finding out so many things about myself and how to cope with them, that I was really enjoying it!

After awhile, my wife quit going to the sessions, but I continued because I was enjoying it so much! My wife and I were later divorced, but that was for choices and things that the counseling sessions really couldn't solve or help

Not everyone can get along with everyone else...

Our children realize that...

One thing lead to another, and I then "graduated" to a different level of counseling and also group therapy.

It was all a very mind-opening and helpful experience, to me, for the years that I attended.

Well that gives me a good idea of what to expect.. thank u... there is a lot to my story and my worst fear is being judged by a professional.. but from what you have all said, they aren't like that.

Yes, they all aren't like that - judgmental. But, if the one that you go to turns out to be that way, then I would definitely seek out a different one. They're supposed to be helping people not hindering them or making them feel guilty.

Again, it's a process and you're taking the right steps. I do applaud you for that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Yes, they all aren't like that - judgmental. But, if the one that you go to turns out to be that way, then I would definitely seek out a different one. They're supposed to be helping people not hindering them or making them feel guilty.

Again, it's a process and you're taking the right steps. I do applaud you for that.

I will definalely make a post on this one after I go see him.. a few people have said they would love to know how I go, so I will post it... I hope people are still thinking postively for me lol

Most of us who frequent this site on a regular basis do think really positively and proactively. There will always be those who jump to conclusions and form opinions without any time or effort at discovering things and seeing how the original poster really is and feels.

I do appreciate your honesty and openness here!

I too, would like to know how things go!

Thanks!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clough

Most of us who frequent this site on a regular basis do think really positively and proactively. There will always be those who jump to conclusions and form opinions without any time or effort at discovering things and seeing how the original poster really is and feels.

I do appreciate your honesty and openness here!

I too, would like to know how things go!

Thanks!

thank u x x x mwah x x x

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

He has been with his wife for 10yrs, marries one year and the whole time he has been with her he has cheated on her

I know he loves her very much.

These two statements contradict each other to me

There is a big difference between Having an open relationship and cheating. If he truly loved her he would not have been betraying her for 10 years.

I am glad that you have decided to sort this all out though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rich11111

These two statements contradict each other to me

There is a big difference between Having an open relationship and cheating. If he truly loved her he would not have been betraying her for 10 years.

I am glad that you have decided to sort this all out though.

I think he does love her.. I think it is possible to love someone with all your heart but have sex with other people.

Yes I'm glad I'm seeking counselling too. Its been a long time coming. The people on here have been a great support team kind of thing lol

For the record, I am completely against cheating, but I'm going to take a different view on this.

The situation you are in is "friends with benefits." I was reading earlier posts that he tells you about his problems with his wife and you two seem to have a good friendship. He openly tells you that he loves his wife and nothing more will happen with you. And he listens to you when you need to talk. You seem happy with this type of arrangement.

The problem that everyone is having is that you are having sex together.

Sex with another person while being married = cheating

Bottom line, we can't tell you how to live your life, if you can live with your actions, then you wouldn't have asked us for our views. If you ask us for our views, you should know that that there is a zero tolorence policy in this forum.

By coming into this forum and asking if you are a horrible person to be in this situation, it means part of your already feels guilty about it. By defending your actions, you're not only trying to convince us, but you are also trying to convince yourself.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

Sex with another person while being married = cheating

Bottom line, we can't tell you how to live your life, if you can live with your actions, then you wouldn't have asked us for our views. If you ask us for our views, you should know that that there is a zero tolorence policy in this forum.

By coming into this forum and asking if you are a horrible person to be in this situation, it means part of your already feels guilty about it. By defending your actions, you're not only trying to convince us, but you are also trying to convince yourself.

Yeah really! The OP ASKED IF we thought she was a horrible person and then goes on to justify being with a married man. I know if it was my guy I WOULD want to know so I could say BYE!!
Just because the wife doesn't know doesn't make it okay.

Are you a horrible person for doing this? You may not be a horrible person, but your actions are. Are you wrong? Of course you are wrong and you know it. I hope the counseling helps you to think better of yourself and allow you to have some empathy for others as well.

If he truly loved her he would be putting her before himself... he would not be participating in actions that could cause her tremendous pain... if he felt he needed help with a possible addiction, he would be seeking help for it so as not to put his marriage in harms way.

He may indeed love her, but he doesn't love her enough to stop putting his desires before her.

If he truly loved her with all of his heart, you would not be in the picture. He is using both of you for different purposes.

I had the same thing done to me just recently. My husband cheating durign the 1year of actual marriage. And I know how I feel about the whore he slept with. I take it his wife has no idea? Otherwise he either wouldn't be married anymore and then takign up more of your precious time, or he wouldn't be allowed out anymore and she'd be hunting you down with a shotgun.
If I were you, I'd watch my back. Cause your building yourself this beautiful nest of lies, and sooner or later it'll coem back in threes

Quote:

Originally Posted by horsespferde123

i had the same thing done to me just recently. my husband cheating durign the 1year of actual marriage. and i know how i feel about the whore he slept with. i take it his wife has no idea? otherwise he either wouldnt be married anymore and then takign up more of your precious time, or he wouldnt be allowed out anymore and she'd be hunting you down with a shotgun.
if i were you, i'd watch my back. cause your building yourself this beautiful nest of lies, and sooner or later it'll coem back in threes

Im sorry your husband cheated on you. Its never a nice thing.

As I can see, people here are pretty narrow minded.
HELLO... YOU'RE the one who asked ppls. Opinions... to make the judgement that we're narrowminded is just plain wrong. And to answer you're question... You're not horrible, but what you're doing IS!!

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Originally Posted by martina59

As i can see, ppl here are pretty narrow minded.
HELLO.......... YOU'RE the one who asked ppls. opinions....to make the judgement that we're narrowminded is just plain wrong. And to answer you're question...You're not horrible, but what you're doing IS!!!

Yes I did make that statement when I first started getting responses from people. If u kept reading, as I talked more with people, I can see where they are coming from. I was in defense mode that's all.. I don't think that at all now after having many different conversations with people on here. Most have been very positive and I thank them for the time they have taken to make comment on my questions.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

Yes i did make that statement when i first started getting responses from people. If u kept reading, as i talked more with people, i can see where they are coming from. I was in defense mode thats all.. I dont think that at all now after having many different conversations with people on here. Most have been very positive and i thank them for the time they have taken to make comment on my questions.

Also, you have taken steps and realize what's going on, and that its not right, so not only did you get people's opinions in here, but you also learned more about yourself and know what you must do.

I see that you are talking to a counselor, so that is really good to hear.

I hope you get all the help you need in overcoming and dealing with your addiction.

So you may be doing the wrong thing with this guy, but now you see it is bad, and you are doing something about it. I wish you all the best, and keep up the strong Aussie spirit. You will get through this... I'm sure of that... :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Also, you have taken steps and realize whats going on, and that its not right, so not only did you get people's opinions in here, but you also learned more about yourself and know what you must do.

I see that you are talking to a counselor, so that is really good to hear.

I hope you get all the help you need in overcoming and dealing with your addiction.

So you may be doing the wrong thing with this guy, but now you see it is bad, and you are doing something about it. I wish you all the best, and keep up the strong Aussie spirit. You will get through this... I'm sure of that... :)

Thank you for your comment! Things get a little crazy sometimes and when you find yourself asking "am i ok?" it is hard to hear that something you are doing is not. But I always keep an open mind in things and I know that I'm not always right.

I have a good feeling about the counselling, as I've said in previous posts though, I wish I was seeing the counsellor today and not next week, but I can wait lol... besides, I have you guys to keep me thinking in the right direction!

Quote:

Originally Posted by martina59

As i can see, ppl here are pretty narrow minded.
HELLO.......... YOU'RE the one who asked ppls. opinions....to make the judgement that we're narrowminded is just plain wrong. And to answer you're question...You're not horrible, but what you're doing IS!!!

Why are you being so aggressive and SCREAMING in caps ?

Why would you yell at a person who you don't even know?

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Originally Posted by artlady

Why are you being so agressive and SCREAMING in caps ?

Why would you yell at a person who you don't even know?

Artlady x x you are a really nice person x x don't ever change x x

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

Thank you for your comment! Things get a little crazy sometimes and when you find yourself askin "am i ok?" it is hard to hear that something you are doing is not. But I always keep an open mind in things and i know that im not always right.

I have a good feeling about the counselling, as ive said in previous posts tho, i wish i was seeing the counsellor today and not next week, but i can wait lol... besides, i have you guys to keep me thinking in the right direction!

That's cool... very positive attitude. Maybe from now till the time you go for the counseling, you could relax and do something fun, something to take your mind off all that is going on. You really shouldn't beat yourself up over this stuff. You are doing the right thing now and trying to make things right, so concentrate on that.

I know it hurts when you ask yourself if you are OK and if you are right, and people are telling you that you are wrong and bad and stuff, but that's just people's opinions. What is most important is you asking yourself why they are saying that. They are seeing something you didn't see or choose not to see, which leads to their opinion. If you see it, then you will realize something is not right

That's right, keep an open mind and listen to what people are saying. I know why you were defensive in the beginning, you were bombarded with negative comments, but you took them in after a while and they benefited you. That's really positive.

See how things go with the counselor and I do hope everything gets sorted out for you

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Originally Posted by Meow420

Artlady x x you are a really nice person x x dont ever change x x

Hey what about me :rolleyes:...

Just kidding Meow ;) I'm glad your heading in the right direction.

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Originally Posted by Meow420

Artlady x x you are a really nice person x x dont ever change x x

Honey,I can't change.I'm 55 in a few weeks and than I officially can say I am a senior ,treat me right :cool:

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

Honey,I can't change.I'm 55 in a few weeks and than I officially can say I am a senior ,treat me right :cool:

Good for you!! If I don't remember, you have a wonderful birthday!! X x x x

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlackVY

Thats right, keep an open mind and listen to what people are saying. I know why you were defensive in the beginning, you were bombarded with negative comments, but you took them in after a while and they benefited you. Thats really positive.

See how things go with the counselor and I do hope everything gets sorted out for you

The positive feedback from people has been great and I thank you!

Also friend4u178 & Blackvy & Gemini54 - thank you too.. wonderful people with kind hearts x x x

Its nice to be appreciated, but its better when the advice and opinions we give actually help the person, so thank you :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Meow420

Good for you!!! if i dont remember, you have a wonderful birthday!!! x x x x

Hay I'm invested now so come back to let us know how you are doing in your future .or not :)

Why it all his to be about him. Like a typical youngster you are in this situation because you think you are helping him out, you are changing him and making him a better man, by giving up sleeping with prostitutes and start sleeping with you.

What about your own self, is this the kind of relationship you wanted for yourself. What if he is seeing you on Monday seeing another one on Tuesday and so on. He deceived his wife for 10 years whom he loves very much, can you imagine how he really thinks of you. Why are you degrading yourself so much. Am sure you deserve a lot better donot you?