 |
Whew, I was thinking my posts were for naught... :D
I agree with Artsy, if she doesn't show to the counseling session, it will be a wonderful opportunity for you.
I think that it is hard to face an end, but the longer she keeps avoiding the problem the easier it will be.
You are not at fault in this.
I feel bad so to clear the record Thanks to all who have posted here your advice has helped more than you know.
I wish I knew you in real life I would take you all out for a beer or beverage of your choice. Sometimes it helps to vent to total strangers. Im sure that what ever happens this little bump in my life's road will make me a better man, better father, and in general a better person. My main focus is my children that ar paramount at this point.
If she wants to work it out she will if not "her loss". I have beaten myself up over this for so long that my selfworth is severely lacking. You all have shown me that this problem is hers as well and Im not the one who needs forgiveness its her. She has not once come to me and show any sign of remorse or asked for forgiveness.
I know she doesn't naturally roll that way but some sign of sorrow would have maybe given me some hope.
Now I need to prepare for the legal end of this I think I have finally got my head around the fact that she has checked out of this relationship(maybe not for good) I am the "The glass is half full kind of guy".
In time I may grow to trust and love again , but who in their right mind would want a 41 year old man with these kind of issues. Anyway I feel safe in here with all of my new cyber friends and I will continue to post not so much for the response, but as a coping mechanism. Please bare with my rants from time to time as I am on a long road to recovery and redemption
Rant away,although I don't see you ranting at all.You are going through a terrible trauma and its good to write it out,get a different perspective from your own.It is very therapeutic and it won't cost you a dime.Although that beer sounds pretty good :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
I am 54 so 41 is is very young in my book.Life does not end at 41 and opportunities for love don't either.I met my BF at 42 and we will be 12 yr.s strong this summer.
You will get through this,I know it feels like your world is crashing down but it gets better once you have accepted the inevitable and begin the work of healing.
I hope you have a good session today and keep your head up!
Totally agree with artlady... It will certainly be a life lesson regardless of how things turn out. Life has a way of throwing things at you sometimes and you learn just how resilient you really are... even if you don't always want to be. It helps tremendously to speak to others who have gone through the process themselves... who have taken those difficult steps. Or even those who haven't, but can still be an objective and compassionate shoulder.
If things don't work out, and you go your separate ways, you will find that in time you will be open to a new relationship. You will be able to trust and love again.
My husband took me on when I was 40 and a package deal with 4 kids... :) It's been 8 years so far for us just this passed Sunday!
I need to think of this as a new beginning and not the end. Maybe things will be brighter sooner rather than later. Lets hope so. BTW congrats on 8 years DoulaLC
I think you have wonderful qualities that you have forgotten about, even the devotion in wanting to work through this is a strong male quality.
This will no doubt made you a better person, it will be a hard battle, but one that will make you strong again. I have a feeling you have not been treated the way you deserve to be treated very often in the last fourteen years.
It's good to hear you aren't just going to lay down and take it, you deserve so much more than she is offering.
I think it is wonderful that you are heading in the right direction, and getting some confindence at the same time.
What concerns me is that you offered her an ultimatum, "him or me", and while she said she didn't know, I still get the feeling that you hang onto hope that she chooses you.
When the reality begins to set in for her, and she has no access to the life she's known financially and has also realized that you've taken that choice from her, she is going to see him in a different light.
All of a sudden, changes are going to happen, with or without her making them. She is now going to have to think about paying the rent, perhaps chid support, a car payment etc. and as she faces an unknown future, as opposed to what she knew, well... you may not seem that bad anymore (in her eyes).
That may be one of the reasons she hasn't moved yet, she's enjoying what both men can give to her, and she doesn't want to give either up. She needs you and him, to keep living this huge lie she has created for herself.
You may not see this as forcing her hand, but it will. When there is no 'part B' anymore, part 'A' might not look so good. She doesn't have to be a rocket scientist to see that where once both men were equally important for different reasons, now there is only one man, and he's beginning to not look so good.
This is something you have to think about. What if she realizes that she's rather have you, what are you going to do. How are you going to handle deflecting more smoke and mirrors, as she manoeuvers herself back into a position of power in your home again.
It is because you love her that these things will be extremely difficult to handle. Your reslove, even if she does move, is weak I suspect, and do you honestly know you wouldn't say no to her?
Don't be fooled by the love someone says they have for you. What YOU show, IS love for her, and your children's well being. What she shows is not love. There is no substance there because love isn't what you say, it is what you do.
With your situation, I do believe you love her, and getting beyond that, and realizing she has no love for you in return, is going to be very difficult.
Something to think about.
You just stated what the Counselor said. OMG were you there lol. Oh by the way she didn't show
She doesn't have ANY commitment to the fourteen years of marriage the both of you shared, to you or your children.
Time to think about protecting your finances and filing for a legal separation (at the very least), if not a divorce.
Good for you for going to the counsellor, and I would have been surprised if she had shown up.
It's good you are hearing this from impartial people. None of us have a vested interest so to speak, and that's one of the best things about this forum.
Hello all Im on vacation to coincide with my kids spring break. Here is the latest. She was home for Easter but I went to "his" house and she was there (after telling me she was at work) We had a great weekend like nothing was wrong she still was telling me that she loves me and we can work it out. Here's the kicker she leaves Monday morning and says she needs to spend time away from me to "miss" me. Guess where she is YEP staying at his house. I check my bank account this morning and its 75.00 bucks short. Now I kept our joint account active because I have bills that will be drawn from it. Then I happen to check our email and find out she ordered another 90.00 in goods. I told you this woman has no shame. Anyway all is closed now so Im safe I think.
Wow!
I've just been following this post this morning, and I have to say, WOW!
You sound like a really good man, willing to stay with the woman he loves and make it work with her, but sorry to say, no offence, but she doesn't seem to be up to your standard. She doesn't seem to love you as much as you love her.
This thing with the younger man has a very good chance of going south and she may or may not realize what a huge mistake she make, sticking with the wrong side, but at least you know you deserve better.
I don't think its right for her to have the power in this situation, where she is saying she loves you but she won't leave the other guy. In life, you can only truly give your heart to one person. You gave yours to her, but she didn't give hers to you.
Luckily you have your daughter. I don't know how old she is, but I'm sure she would know what her mum did is wrong and she will not make the same mistake.
I don't know how, but I'm sure some good will come of this and God has His reasons for allowing this to happy. I just pray you will never blame yourself for this or put yourself down, because you are blameless in all this. As much as you love her, maybe she just didn't fit together with you as well as you thought she did in the beginning. God bless
I have a son as well. But your right I do realize that Ive been a fool for thinking that this situation would ever swing my way. Its just hard to think 14 years is over but slowly the facts are showing themselves
Oh sorry, well, yes, both your kids would know what is happening is not right.
14 years is a long time, I can't deny that, but sometimes, no matter how long you have been with someone and how much you love them, it still may be time to let go. You need to think about yourself and how you feel. Yes you love her, but if she left that other guy and came back to you, what is stopping her from doing it again? How can you believe she isn't even still seeing this guy, considering they work together? It will just cause more stress and headaches for you, on top of life's usual problems and that is something you don't need.
I'm glad the facts are emerging now, and I can imagine they would be painful to see, but you will learn and grow from this experience, and like you said, it may make you a better father, and a better person.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
We have teenagers on here that say that lame stuff and I tell them how foolish and immature that sounds.Coming from an adult woman,it is almost laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.Quote:
Monday morning and says she needs to spend time away from me to "miss" me.
Why is she sending you this mixed signals? In case he doesn't work out,she still has you.
Unreal!
How is the counseling going ?I hope you are sticking to it if only for your own piece of mind.
She wants her cake and eat it too. She is playing games with your emotions because she doesn't want to give up what she has with you but she has moved on.
She is counting on you loving her so much that you don't follow through with your ultimatimums. You NEED to follow through or she is just going to keep seeing how far she can push you. She doesn't want to lose you but you HAVE lost her! Don't be a doormat.
She has made her choice for him at this point.
You know the saying absence makes the heart grow fonder. I think you need to take the gamble and force her to leave. She might try and get back with you but don't let it happen until you have a genuine guarantee that she sees the light.
Truly wise words. My friends this is the best therapy in the world.
Oh BTW Im a bastard now for cancelling the debit card and her order "I dont care what happens to her and Im a liar when I say I love her" She also hates me now and "Im insecure". Im telling you you can't make this stuff up Danielle Steel are you getting this.
AngryChair, I appreciate that you are reading comments and taking things to heart, but I really have to wonder about your expectations here with your wife.
Why on earth did you allow her home for the Easter weekend? I just sort of imagine you and her, and your children, all pretending that everything is okay; everyone has a good time until she leaves again, and it's back to trying to figure it all out, until the next time.
You are treading in very dangerous waters, emotionally, financially and psychologically. As this pattern continues with her coming and going, and you up and down like a yoyo, it becomes a lifestyle. It gets easier to accept, and because you haven't let go, you keep that lifeline going, and she keeps grabbing it.
So, in my opinion, it has become not so much what she is doing to you, but what you are allowing her to do to you. You've become a little too complacent with the new status quo, and that comfort is not leading to any closure.
Instead of being in a position of power and control over your life, you have created a new relationship with your wife and her boyfriend, and your life revolves around them.
Is there still more to this? I just don't understand the direction you are going. Help me to understand why it isn't over.
I hate to be rude but it almost sounds like she doesn't have both oars in the water.Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
If my husband was cheating on me I know I would be feeling a little insecure as well.
And to accuse you of being a liar.What does she expect from you?Have you always been this easy to manipulate because she is clearly taking supreme advantage of you and your really allowing it to happen.
Wow,this woman just has no shame what so ever.
I think you have the patience of Job my friend and I don't know how you are able to even be in the same room with this woman.
You really must start thinking about your future.Your kids are better off with two happy parents than one broken unit that is not working.
Speaking of getting, have you talked to a lawyer, and a locksmith yet??Quote:
Danielle Steel are you getting this.
There is more to this than I am saying. Trust me I am keeping this in play for very good reasons. My wife is possession and money driven and without going into too much detail she would have the upper hand financially if we were to divorce and then she would have free range to do whatever she wanted with my daughter. I am well aware that this is a dangerous situation but I have very good reasons to keep her as close as I can for now.
OK, I thought there must be behind the scenes power plays going on. I don't want to know the detail, I just hope that things are moving along legally for you to protect yourself and assets.
Im not sure what a legal separation is. I think this may be a viable option at this point.
I have heard this mentioned several times. I hate to sound ignorant but my lawyer only discussed divorce
You need to get your lawyer to explain the laws applicable to your State. It does vary.
Tips for Filing Legal Marriage Separation - Associated Content
Yeap I would do the legal separation AND specify NO CONTACT as long as she wants somebody else. Then later take it a step further (divorce) if necessary.
She makes more money?? Make her pay child support, or maintenance.
For some reason today has been especially hard to deal with. I guess it is reality setting in that it is truly over. I called her today to discuss the plans with my daughters school and I heard "The other man" in the background my heart sank so low then I finally got it she is GONE. I don't think that I can shake this feeling of loneliness I miss her more than ever.
Now that you have accepted what she has been showing you ,you can begin the work you need to do to get your life back.Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
It isn't easy and it sucks but believe me ,it is better than being used as someone doormat and being emotionally abused.
You have shown incredible patience and strength,now you must show those things to yourself.
Healing, how do you begin to recover from this. What do you need to do to make this deep agonizing pain stop. I thought earlier when I began these posts that I was semi strong enough to weather this, now I know that I am not. I know people around me are sick of hearing my sob story.
You need moral support and encouragement from friends and family. Take the necessary steps to put her in the past and find new friends, hobbies and groups that can help you start a new life.
I know it is easier said than done but you can't lie around crying while she is out living it up. In the end she could end up with everything if you don't fight for your own.
We aren't sick of it... you can always come here.
No one in here is sick of hearing your "sob story". Your emotions will be all over the place for a while. You have just lost someone important to you. You will alternate from strong to weak, until your weak time lessen and your stronger times are greater.Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
We have all been through a break up, we have all felt the pain you are going through. We will provide all of the emotional support that we can. Continue to vent and also take a look around the site at other break-up and relationship posts, you will see you are not alone and there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel sorry for your situation. We are all hoping for the best and I personally know the healing process in just talking about it and feeling heard.
It is literally a grieving process... and there is no time frame for that. You will have good days, where you feel sure of yourself and confident in your decisions... and bad days, where the feelings are still raw and you feel like you are backsliding.
Allow yourself to have those moments where you just can't be strong all of the time. "Talk" on here, find a friend who will just listen when you need to purge the hurt and anger, write things down, whatever you feel helps.
As Justwantfair said, the hard times will slowly start to diminish and the stronger times will increase.
Unfortunately there is no quick fix... some people will forge ahead quickly, others will find they slip back and forth for awhile, but you will make it through... you will start to feel more of those stronger moments, and your heart will start to heal.
Talking to others who have gone down that path before you can be very helpful... they know what you are feeling, they know what you can expect, and they know how it feels to move forward. A part of it will always be with you, it's another dimension to who you will become, but in time you will be able to see the lessons that can be learned from the relationship and the experience.
For now, in this early stage, focus on taking care of your basic needs, spend time with family and friends, and sort out what you need to financially and so forth.
>>>>artlady agrees: The first days are sometimes just about being able to get out of bed.
Definitely... I remember those days very well...
Somedays I didn't. It's so difficult, but you find a way and you remember those people who depend on you and you just keep moving forward.Quote:
Originally Posted by DoulaLC
Time to learn to love yourself again. :D Plus what a wonderful time to spend all the quality time with your child(ren).
I hope he is listening. I hope that you are getting your financial situation straightened out and ready for that legal separation. The sooner you can stop contact the sooner you can start healing. Every contact is a new, fresh wound to be dealt with.
Believe me,no one is turning away from you here.We are not sick of anything.Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
How you make the agonizing pain stop is sometimes ,one minute at a time.You just have to put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps.Try to eat well,try to get out and exercise.As has been said,right now just functioning on a basic level is hard and so all you can expect from yourself right now is being able to keep yourself afloat.
I know the feeling of walking zombie like through life,thinking how can the birds still sing,how is life going on outside when everything inside is dead.
Come here and share you pain and confusion and I think now would also be a good time to share with your friends and family.Let them know what you are going through.
Don't try to tackle everything at once.Be patient with yourself and know that this will pass.I promise.
I agree that the support is very important, and the ups and downs will be enormous for some time. It is not easy letting go.
That being said, I worry that the lack of effort to protect yourself legally is perpetuating the dream that she will come back, and things will be okay.
Remember that anything you do to protect yourself now, should she come back and you accept her, can be undone.
I think yourself esteem and confidence will grow when you have at least a legal separation in hand. That sets some boundaries and distance between you, and that is a good start.
I brought her some items that she left behind and saw her. It has been a week and now and I had a heavy heart seeing her. She looked fantastic and seemed happy to see me I can't explain the joy and sorry I had at the same time. I need serious mental help
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this... I know it is not easy. She has already gone through some of the separation process as she has already distanced herself from the relationship through her actions. For you it is still the beginning stage.
It does get better; hard to see that just yet though. It's normal to expect some bad days along the way... many in the beginning. Sometimes it may seem as though you are on autopilot... just going through the motions... some extra sleep can be an escape right now... that is OK. At some point, you will see a difference as the healing progresses.
Do what you can to focus on your needs... spend time outdoors if that is something you enjoy, watch a movie to take yourself away for a couple of hours, get lost in a book for awhile, hang out with some friends. Speaking with your doctor or counselor can sometimes be helpful as well.
I will admit that I didn't read all the posts, not enough time, but I did read the first two pages and the last. I hope I don't repeat what's already been said.Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
The end of a marriage is like a death, it involves grief, time, and lots of tears. This won't be a quick ordeal, it won't be something you get over overnight. In some ways the grief will always be with you, but it won't rule you forever, I promise.
She has made her bed, for better or for worse, now you have to make yours. Will you live the rest of your life mourning what you lost, or will you move on, make the best of it, find the happiness you deserve, and live!
Only you can be responsible for you, no one else. She is no longer your responsibility, only someone you're connected with through your children.
You're beginning a journey, the hardest of your life, and like any other journey, it begins with the first step. Once you take that step, there will be hurdles, there will be times when you want to turn back, not go any further, there will be hills, and obstacles, but, if you keep walking, you'll get to the end.
This site is wonderful, lots of caring people, many of whom have been in the same boat, or are in the same boat that you are in. You don't have to take the journey on your own, you have support, and we'll never tire of helping you, it's what we do.
So, whenever you feel you've reached a point that's too hard to handle on your own, then ask for help, we'll be here.
Good luck.
If you feel that you need serious mental help, I agree.Quote:
Originally Posted by Angrychair
You have stuffed SO MUCH that I feared for your state of mind for some time.
I think you should call your counselor and tell her how you are feeling.
I would do that real soon.
We are in your corner,I so wish I could do more to help you.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:15 PM. |