Wait a minute... I am confused... are you two coming apart or going back together? It needs to be one or the other since something in between is 100% guaranteed to get someone hurt, really hurt.
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Wait a minute... I am confused... are you two coming apart or going back together? It needs to be one or the other since something in between is 100% guaranteed to get someone hurt, really hurt.
Well, for about 6 months we were moving apart, now that we are not living together I'M starting to have second thoughts. My goal is for no one to get hurt anymore, that is why I'm trying SO hard to get along perfect with her.Quote:
Originally Posted by valinors_sorrow
Remember there is no guarantees. Going back and forth. Yes and No. Not sure am sure. Will cause a lot of hurt. Eighther you want to get together and make it work like Val said. Or you make the decision to back away and stay away. Remember though unlike the first time marriage is a life time commitement. You do not have to get along perfectly. Pretending that everything is perfect all the time and holding things in and not clearing up things when things do get emotional or heated will just eventually blow up in your face as well.
No such thing as perfect. A lot of people expect things to be perfect all the time and when they are not that is when some of them walk away. Too many people now a days expect things to be perfect. There is not such thing and if you think that will solve your issue or her issue or both of you together it will not.
It is communication, The communication is so important. Whether you like certain things you do not. You agree or you do not. Whether your upset or not. Being able to listen to the other person. Hear what they are feeling and saying and really hear them.
You also need to learn how to cope with disagreements. Arguments, and everything between. If you can not handle things now. How are you going to handle being with somebody again.
GIVE AND TAKE. NOT GIVING ALL THE TIME, AND NOT TAKING ALL THE TIME. BOTH OF YOU TOGETHER IF THIS MIGHT WORK, needs this understanding. Everything goes both ways. If there is too much of one or the other there will be resentment.
Anyway, I know you have received lots of advice from different people. I hope it helps you in a way that works for you for your best interest and for your ex, best interest.
Joe
Thank You!Quote:
Originally Posted by Jesushelper76
" she's very good at having a completely different feeling the next day." Welcome to all women.
I think you need to really figure out why you felt that way during the marriage.
PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. - Always and forever. You don't have her, so you want her.
Marriage counseling is only good IF you sit down for HOURS and talk about it. Work through it.
1 year is not a marriage. You bailed.
1. I think you got married way too young.
2. I have a strong feeling you never listened to her. I mean really listened to her.
She has given her number to some guy that lives near her. He hasn't called her and I didn't make a big deal about it. Even though I'm not happy about it I didn't want to come off as controlling.
So the other day I met a couple women at the gym, completely harmless. She found out about it during our phone call last evening and 5 minutes later out of no where she invited me over. We had a great couple hours watching TV. She's the one that's been saying she didn't want to hang out much anymore??
Today she says she wants both of us to see what's out there. She says we can date other people but not tell the other person so we don't get hurt. I'm not a big fan of this agreement because I think if either of us date anyone it will end bad for us. I also found out that she has been telling people we are officially divorced; I'm assuming it's because she want's attention from the opposite sex.
I've been making huge efforts to treat her like she deserves to be treated. We're getting along MUCH better the last week or so. We'll see, this is a big mess and I blame myself for getting into it.
I agree, I bailed too early. Now I think it was a mistake and I'm not really sure why. I thought we got married at a pretty average age, we dated for many many years and got married in our mid 20's.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
No guy is ready to get maerried until he in his 30's.
I believe marriages between 18 and 24 there is an almost 80% chance of divorce.
Women aren't ready until 26 or 27 at least.
Next time you two get together - listen to her... really let HER talk. This isn't about you.
I ALSO think you're settingyurself up with BIG HEARTACHE by staying in contact with her while she is free to date - I would never do that.
Dude - I'd say you're done with her and she's just playing nice... she wouldn't tell you she is dating other wise.
Just giving you a huge warning.
Thanks for the advise. She hasn't dated yet. She still has strong feelings for me, I can tell when I'm around her. She says she want's to date because she want's to see how other people treat her. She told me I have to win her back.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
She called tonight and we talked for over an hour (we normally only talk for about 15 minutes each night). It was a really good conversation. She even invited me over for dinner. I can tell the effort I've put in is paying off. Little by little I can tell she is realizing I'm making an effort, but she still wants to not see me very often and continue to hang out with her new friends every night and have fun.
Well, show the new you. Good for you.
I'd eve napologise if you want her back and tell you will try.
IF a woman want to be with you - she will make it easy.
I have apologized many times and told her I realize the mistakes I've made and time will show that I'm working on them, she's mentioned she could tell I'm trying. Last week she didn't even want to talk to me, now when she calls I can tell she actually enjoys the conversations.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
My only worry is, why was I so unhappy being married?? I'm struggling to figure this out. The last thing I want to do is for her to decide she wants me back then for me to end up with the same issues. I simply cannot and do not want to put her through any more drama, she doesn't deserve that.
I personally think, if you don't really know the answer to question you posed, you're not ready to be with her yet. Because you cannot get back into that relationship, without addressing what caused you to push her away in the first place.
You should find the answer to that question, before you get back with her. Otherwise, you'll neglect answering it, and the same results may transpire.
Hey man, I just joined this site and this is honeslty the first thread I came across... I probably won't throw too much advice out because I don't have a lot of experience myself... but I did want to let you know that I feel for you and glad to see there's people here helping you out...
If there was any advice I could give I guess it would be to always keep communication open and to be honest to her and yourself... I'll leave the rest up to Wildcat21.
I do think you married too young - that's the first thing.
It was a new experience and expectations. Things change when you marry - a lot changes. New experience and not everything is pleasant.
I agree completely, but it's hard for me not to try and get her back when I miss her this much.Quote:
Originally Posted by ilovcali
I was supposed to go over there for dinner tonight. She just called and said she's not ready to start cooking me dinner, so instead I'm going over there after dinner to watch TV. We'll see if she calls back and cancels the entire evening. Women are complicated and hard to figure out??
Ya think? Maybe this is part of the problem... was she flakey like this during the marriage?
Take her out to dinner.
She created a lot drama but wasn't really "flakey". I'm obviously not a female and clearly don't understand what goes on in there heads, but there should be no more drama in our situation. I've treated her perfect since we separated and promised her I'll always treat her this way, and I mean it. I think it got to a point where she was trying to forget about me and move on, then all of a sudden I changed and she doesn't really know how to handle it.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
If she doesn't feel comfortable making me dinner at home there's no way she'll go out for dinner with me. She says it reminds her of when we were together.
Here's the problem... someone like you might change short term... you need to do this for life.
Hang in there my friend. I went through a similar thing. We were not married but when it ened. I knew it needed to. Shortly after, it hurt like a mo-fo. Hang in there. You'll get your norm. life back
I agree... I'm committed to changing long term. No matter what were going through she's going to know I care about her and she's going to feel loved.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
The thing is, she's not a saint when it comes to the relationship. I was more at fault, and I've admitted that to her, but she will also have to change things for us to work in the future. She can be almost impossible to deal with and changes the way she feels everyday. I know this is typical "female" behavior but it's still hard to deal with.
There must be something about living with her that makes me not feel good about the relationship though. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain how I changed after the marriage.
Yep - it's just females - believe me.
Take it slow this time Rockne - take it slow. No rush. Learn, Listen.
But YES - it's a two way street - she HAS to understand things she did made things worse.
I couldn't agree with WildCat more - Definitely take your time, have all the time in the world...
That's ONE thing people don't get - there is no rush... it takes time.
Not to make anyone mad but if you don't know yourself and what your about then how can you expect someone else to know you? I don't think its fair for you tio expect to get back with your wife until you have done the work on you that is necessary for a relationship. Until you address the problems with you first I would not expect you to be with anyone. Put your own house in order and then see what happens.
I think that's what I've done though. Her issue with me was that I was not caring, loving or affectionate. She felt like I didn't care about her. I've recognized that was my problem and HAVE changed. Every time I see or talk to her I'm very caring and loving, she has noticed, but it still hasn't really done much good yet.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Well... it won't for a long time. She needs healing fot a long time. This will NOT chage over not. Quite frankly YOU'RE LUCKY she even speaks with you.
Don't you think though if she doesn't see or talk to me for a period, hangs out with her new friends and has fun, then she will forget about me and want to do this everyday. If I can't show her how I've changed how will she be able to accept my changes and forgive me?Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildcat21
Well, honestly, you had a big part in bungling the marriage. SHE may realize that hanging with her friends and doing her own thing is what she wants to do. She's been with you, and it didn't work. You can't force her to give you another chance. You may not be doing that conscientiously, but it sure sounds like you are subconscientiously. Just because you think YOU'RE ready to be with her again, and make things work, does not mean she has to.
And maybe by losing her completely for awhile, will force you answer the questions it seems you still have. You don't sound like you fully know what you didn't like about the marriage. You better find out before you try it again.
And sying you've changed so quickly is dangerous. Usually there is a change for about 3 weeks. Get comfortable. Go back to old ways when they think the coast is clear. Happens al lthe time. Change takes long time.
Instead of trying to get your wife back you need to leave her alone and work on yourself. Whether she wishes to put up with your crap or not you need to work on you or you'll end up in the same boat. And you may feel good now but to say you've changed is fooling yourself not us. We know better. Get real and spare us the lip service.
I do leave her alone; we ONLY talk when she calls me. I haven't initiated contact with her in weeks.Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
"you need to work on yourself", what does that really mean?? Her main problem is I was not caring or loving, she felt like I didn't care about her. I look back and realize why this was a big problem, and after our separation I've made attempts to changed, and she has actually says I've changed and appreciates it, ironically she told me this on the phone tonight. What else am I supposed to do, work on myself?? How do you work on yourself? People say you can't change in a month, how long does it take? I think I've changed, she told me I've changed, I don't know what else I'm supposed to do besides keep treating her the way I am. If I keep treating her the way I am then I've changed.
Of course I'm not saying I'm totally perfect now, I know you can't really say you've changed completely in one month, but I've done everything I can so far. She wants me to be the person I was the first 6 years, not the last 5 months; I think I am.
By the way, I really appreciate everyone's comments so far.
This sounds interesting. I'm sure she wants you romantic and sweet again like back in the old times. Maybe this time you'll have to compromise and take part of the relationship. Most men think that once they get the girl it's a job well done and finished project. And leave her to her misery and frustration. The whole point is, she would still need you to dance with her emotions in order for her to take care of you. IF not then it will be a total failure. And for the record you can't just change in a short period. You need to pinpoint your weakness and work with it. It may even take years. Varies from person to person.
Hi there,
I'm kind of in the same situation except that I am the girl! We were engaged and my fiancé decided he wanted to be alone that he was not ready for marriage, this was 5 months ago and recently we have been seeing each other as friends all initiated by him. One month ago we ended up having passionate night together and then he was distant the next day.. so I'm thinking he is like you... and trying to find himself again.
You said you don't initiate contact with your wife? Have you told her why this is? Have you told her you do miss her but want to see what is missing in you? I think she is just mentioning other guys to make you jealous and see your reaction... Have you told her exactly what you arefeeling. I can see how shemust be feeling rejected if she is the one initiating the contact...
Another idea, why not go back to dating while living separately? Start back from t he beginning again.
Maybe you both got a bit dependent on each other and you felt you did not have your own life anymore?
I also initiate contact, I wasn't at first because I didn't want to pressure her. She now know's I miss her and how I truly feel about her. She has admitted she was trying to make me feel jealous, but I think it's getting more serious now. It's been very strange the past month. She says she's still in love with me, she loves spending time with me, she could she herself having kids with me, I make her feel special while around her, I'm a great guy... But she says she may want to date other people because neither of us have really had another serious relationship. We do great, then when another guy gives her attention at work she gets all confused. She works at a hospital and a couple doctors have shown interest in her.Quote:
Originally Posted by rol
OK that's great she knows exactly how you feel.
And great things are getting good again, I guess she still feels a bit confused about what happened with you and maybe that's why she is telling you about the other guys... so just be the great guy she knew before and really communicate well with her and listen... I hope it will all work out fine.
And just out of interest, how long did you take before you really began to miss her(this is for my help in my situation and how long did it take before you told her how you were feeling?)
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