UPDATE

Well my husband and I are going to counceling. First off she said that my actions were inappropriate for a married women, I agreed and apologized. Secondly, she told my husband that he needs to back off the accusations, majorly. She told him to apologize for ripping my clothes off me, he has yet to do that.

She has asked him several questions about sleeping, work, and stress relief and has come to the conclusion that he is probably dealing with depression and anxiety. He went to his family doctor and got some Paxill and a medication when he feels like he cannot sleep because his mind is racing and won't shut off.

Me on the other hand is working on trying to be a better wife. I have not gone out with my friends since this ordeal (July 8). I am feeling a little lonely though, my friends don't call or come over anymore because they make comments about having to "get permission." I have mentioned to my husband if it would be all right to go out for supper with them, and he said if it is not at a bar (sports bar) or someplace that serves alcohol. He made a comment to the counselor that he doesn't like my actions when I drink,so she went off on a tangent asking if I am an alcoholic. For the record, I am not. I drink every-so-often, I guess I am feeling a little controlled, but I am trying to ease his mind and make him comfortable.

I feel the situations is leveling off and the councelor is trying to work on why I flirted and what my husband can do to gear the flirting towards him and make him get the attention because that is what he said he didn't like, and I understand that now.

I guess I flirted to make myself feel better - I have gained about 15 pounds over the past year-and I am feeling crappy. My husband has made comments like "have another cookie" or "hey, why not have more ice cream" and then he sets Victoria Secret magazines on the table on marks pages of things he thinks I should wear - I get mixed messages. I am 5'5" and was 127 lbs last summer and now I am 142 and I hate it!

But anyway I thought I would give everyone a little update on the situation. There were a lot of comments about my behavior - I am really not a bad person and I swear I did not commit adulty (as some may think) I just made some poor choices. :rolleyes:

That's good. I'm glad you guys are getting therapy. Sounds like you guys needed it. I suggested to my ex we get counceling but she didn't want to because:

"if we need counceling before we're married, then maybe something is wrong?"

I think it would have helped us. She had some of the same tendencies you seem to have. Sounds like it's helping you guys. I commend you for putting effort into the relationship. I wish my ex had done the same. Counceling can be good, regardless of marriage or not. Especially if it saves the relationship.

Good luck.

Glad you are both getting some help.

Hope you both get to some middle ground. He's going to have to be OK with you going out with friends in the long run, and you're going to have to be sensitive to his frustrations. Hopefully with reassurrance you can both get to a better place soon.

Good to hear. It seems as though there is still some way to go but I can only applaud you for making such an effort.
Well done to you and your husband!
Keep it up!

WoW! I am so glad you went. I wanted you to look at things differently - and now it seems like you have.

I hope you don't feel I was trying gto protect your husband - he is more the problem than anything. Never was trying to protect him. Sounds like he has major issues.

If he hasn't apologised yet, well - that is right at all. If he's not willing to apologise for an terrrible act... well, maybe time to move on. That's messed up.

That's not right for him to say things about food. I can see now why you acted the way you did. Those food comments are a form of verbal abuse... no one deserves that. I am wondering if your weight is a result of being very unhappy him - me thinks so.

WildCat - The food problem could be just that. I guess sometimes I feel "why not eat something if he is going to make comments any way." I guess now I need to find a way to distract myself when I want to snack. My weakness is salty stuff (ie chips and dip).

I don't feel as though I am too over weight, I am just not comfortable with my body. I feel I used to look better.

Thanks

Well, it's horrible that he says that. He must be an insecure man - that sucks.

I hate to say this - but do you exercise regularly? I do cardo or basketball and lift weights almost daily - It so important - give you confidence.

We don't know each other so I have to say this You have to exercise!! You have to. No way around it.

I agree, exercise makes you feel so good. Even a walk is healthy and invigorating and you can tone and loose weight.

Yes, I do admit I need to exercise. I used to run 4 miles daily (in my younger years) and have always tried to keep fit and tone. But in '94 I was diagnosed with Rhuematoid arthritis and it has gotten increasingly harder to exercise. It has been consistently in my knees and feet for some time. I am on Enbrel shots weekly and 5 methotrexate weekly. This is absolutely no excuse for not exercising, but it does put a wrench in it at times.

I would be up for any suggestions on what else can be done to exercise on "bad days". Do any of you have reviews on the Ab Lounge? I thought about that because there would be no impact on my joints. I realize it only works the stomach, but I would like to work on that area. I also am getting an eliptical (?) machine that I think would work w/o the joint impact.

Thanks:)

Even walking a long distance - at least 1/2 have hour works - light weights help as well.

I didn't read the whole story its quite a lot and I've got lots of paper to clear out my desk.. Anyway I've read some of the responses and your original post. I think you should admit that you also made a mistake here. At your age you shouldn't be doing things like a teenage would do. I'm 27 yrs old. I don't act like my niece. I'd be ashamed of myself if people think I've never had enough over the years. People talk. Your friends talk but then I don't know what kind of friends you have. If I was your husband I'd be hurt the same way he reacts. It's not about overreacting. It's more about being rational. But anyway you don't need another word. You can definitely work it out with your husband if he has not been satisfying you sexually. Then ask him. The key is communication. Tell him what you want and ask him how you should keep him happy.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mysticque

I didn't read the whole story...

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I think it's important to read through the discussion in order to give an informed response...
Especially in a discussion that's been going on for a month.

My apologies. I should have read it all. I did read most of the important responses. And it just seems to me that she's not getting a candid response. I also want to point out that the only reason she's doing this is to make her actions justified so she can get away with something she has done. People need to acknowledge their mistakes in order to attain a successful life. Especially sharing it with someone you are willing to grow up with. There's also another alternative instead of going through therapy although it is very helpful. Not all situation needs therapy unless its extreme and getting to a certain point where the couple can no longer make themselves happy. Healing comes from within. Honestly most of the feedbacks she gets are biased and not making a difference. I don't know what you think about all these BIM. If you truly want an honest response then you should prepare what everyone could say to you. This thread can pull out a lot of different perspective and most people misconstrue and overlook the facts. I think it's wise that you might want to close the seal yourself.

This is a person life here - you must read everything before giving advice. This isn't play time. This is a persons most important part of their lives. Please understand that. You don't get it.

You still don't have al lthe facts. And therapy is exptremely important in these matters.

Please don't post again unless you really have some real feedback.

Wildcat, I'm not playing stupid jokes either. But you might want to keep that therapy for yourself instead.

Mystiqcue,

You come on here and say you haven't read the thread and then advise BIM what she should and shouldn't listen to and what she needs to do..

If you'll see at the top of the first post, this thread was started in August and has been an ongoing story. You weren't even a member when this thread was started.

Then you have the hide to suggest to Wildcat, who has read the entire thread and offered his personal views to BIM on this matter, that he needs therapy.

Very silly of you and by reading some of your replies on other threads I suggest you may need to take some of your own advice.

At the very least you must read the whole thread. People come her looking to get help and opinions on very serious issues in their life. It isn't something to simply be skimmed over.

Sorry BIM to get off topic here! But I don't think the advice given to you by this poster was good at all.

Not your fault Skell, but truly appreciate the apology for someone else's err. I have read several posts and commented on some, but I would never just "skim" over the facts and give an opinion. It makes a person (such as myself) that is going through, what could be a life altering event, feel important enough to someone, to stand up for them. Thanks to you all, Skell, Wildcat, Philly. Much gratitude!

Bim,
So glad to hear that you and your husband are getting counseling. Despite his stress, he has no right to continue to act this way, especially if he sees the effort you are putting forth. Only time and your continued actions will make him come around.

I think that your friends need to be a lot more supportive of you instead of mocking you with their little comments. This is a serious problem for you and your husband to deal with right now and they are not helping by abandoning you.

The weight issue can be a tricky one. My self-esteem was low, low, low for quite a while. I gained an additional 45 pounds when I had my son and kept it on for 6 months after he was born. I had a hard time losing it. I was a very active person before that. My husband also would make little comments here and there, not too rough, but enough for it to bother me. Then I realized the reason it bothered me was because it was true. I started walking, than jogging after a few weeks. I now run 6 miles a day, 5 days a week and take a two classes (pilates and cardio), alternate evenings. I am active in Tae Kwon Do and that helps keep me disciplined. I got my husband involved in the exercise too. Although he wasn't overweight, if I was going to sweat, he was too. He agreed, and it brought us closer. I lost the 45 pounds in 8 months, but I had to put my whole self into it and remind myself everyday, that I was worth it. I also realized that I owe my husband and family, my best self, and being that overweight, I wasn't. I was taking our marriage for granted, that if he was married to me, I could be fat or skinny and he had to take it no matter what. That just isn't true. Having a baby was no excuse. Once my physical health improved, the mental and emotional health followed. If you really it, than make a change. Tell your husband that both of you taking walks and slowly picking up the pace will help you in more ways than one and that you'd like to give your marriage the best shot you can.

Best of luck to you.

ANOTHER UPDATE!!!!! NEED MORE ADVICE!!!!

I am sorry to keep bothering everyone here, but I'm at a cross road. My husband and I (as you know) have been going to a counsellor 3 times now and I feel things have been going pretty well. This morning I gave him a kiss goodbye and said I would talk to him later, everything normal.

Well, he calls me about 1 hour after I get to work and tells me our marriage is over. I asked why, he said he got onto my e-mail (at home) and found some pictures I had e-mailed to those "guys" from the party. Now, I did emailed them right after the party and have apologized for everything time and time again. I did not have any of these in my inbox or trash, I was trying to get rid of everything that caused us the problems in the first place. They were the pictures of the one guy that picked me up and the one I sat on his lap. Now, I know I was completely out of line when it happened. We have been going to counselling. Things have been (I thought) going rather well considering "my screw up" I completely have taken responsibility for the problem we are having and have been trying for sometime to turn over a new leaf.

I left work and went home to talk to him and try to calm him down. He has said 3 times since this ordeal (July 8)that "he's done", "if I want those people I can have them" I have tried to prove my loyalty to our marriage, but he keeps digging things up and wanting to fight over it. I know I have lost his trust and it takes work to get it back. BUT, I didn't have sex with anyone and he tells me that he "knows I have" and that he can "feel it in his gut" that I did.

What more can I do to resolve this problem? I love him, and I admitted I screwed up. I flirted and went over my boundries. He even said today that he knows I have been trying, but he just cannot get passed it.

He tells me he's done, but then when I ask him if he wants me to leave he says "you make that decision, it is up to me" Well if it was up to me I don't want to leave, I am not the one saying "I'm done." I have told him that if I wanted someone else I would be gone, but he is the one I want and I am sorry for hurting him, but I am trying to make it work.

I don't want to start over again.

Please be honest, but kind... please.

Also, my husband saw that I am coming on this websight and is mad that I am asking complete strangers questions and putting my "life" out there for the whole world to see. I told him that I am doing this to get help and different views on this problem. I also told him that people don't just take my side - but gives their honest opinion whether I like it or not. I also told him that no one knows me nor do I know them. I don't know...

Bim, you have done, and continue to do everything in your power to salvage your marriage. You've changed your behavior. You go to counseling. You tell him how much he means to you, but, unfortunately, he's pig headed, and you can't change that. If he left it up to you, and you choose not to leave, then don't. Personally, I wouldn't. Why should you? You want to fight for your marriage, he just wants to fight. Why should you have to leave your home? If he's so damn insecure and refuses to get past it, than that is on him. If you stay, and he stays only to make you miserable and not help the situation, then ask him to go, you have every right. Don't give up. Tell him you are going to stay, hold your ground. Continue as though nothing has happened. If he continues berating you, ask him to pack his things. Enough is enough. I know you feel like it was your fault, and maybe initially it was, but your behavior has changed, he needs an attitude adjustment now.

Thank you mom :o Why do I feel so scared he is going to leave? Is it because I caused the problem? I am so sorry for flirting, but he makes me feel like I had sex with these men and I DID NOT. I feel his is making this more that it is. I DID screw up, but I am trying... I guess I am afraid of losing him, because I messed up. All I want is a chance to make it right and it keeps getting thrown in my face. I've told him that I know I hurt him badly and that I crossed the line...

Stop apologizing, its making you come off as more guilty than you actually are. You know your behavior was inappropriate and you changed it. You changed it because you realized how much it was hurting your husband and how he felt insecure and unloved. To apoligize with words is one thing, but you did more than that, you are attempting to show him, if he would only let you. He needs to decide if he wants to allow the change. You know you didn't have sex with these men, but in his eyes, you might as well have because your time and emotion was directed at these men, even if you didn't touch them. He has to want to accept your apology, acknowledge your effort and make that change inside himself. If he doesn't, there's not much you can do. It will be his loss.

Bim, even if he leaves, it may not be permanent, so continue on course. Stay busy, read, exercise and volunteer any spare time you have. If you have kids, spends lots of time with them. Stop apologizing and continue treating him lovingly, eventually, if he's not made of stone, it will sink in.

If he can't get over what you have done and can not see that you are trying ever so hard to change and help the marriage then it is his option to leave.
Why should you.
Tell him to go if he isn't willing to work. You are, he isn't.
I know it must be scary for you to say those words to him but that may be the wake up call he needs.
See he is probably making these empty threats to you about you having to leave knowing you won't.
Well put it to him. Tell him he has to go. You can't keep living like this.
Maybe you standing up for yourself and proving that you aren't willing to fight, scrap and give every last inch to save this marriage unless he does the same will get him into gear and make him realise that it is a 2 way street.

I have a feeling right now he loves having all the power. He thinks because you stuffed up he can keep using it against you. People do that. Kids do that. Not grown adults!

Don't keep blaming yourself. Time to stand up for yourself I think!

Bim, don't let him use guilt as a weapon of control. I think you should be proud of they way you have gone about correcting a mistake. I am. Your husband should be very grateful that you care enough to change and grow for him. I didn't like his actions in the first place as he could have handled things way better to be honest. Keep doing what your doing, for yourself now and if he doesn't appreciate the effort and work you've done tell him to kiss your cute a$$. Keep your chin up. No more apologising either. Enough is enough.

Well, maybe your husband is going to read this post. You have done everything you can, does he want to nail you to the cross? Get him a hammer, nails and wood. Let him nail that picture to it.:)
When he brings all of this up, say stop, stop right there, I have done everything I know to do, it is your turn to let go and start forgiving and forgetting. Walk away. When he says you two are through and for you to make the decision. Tell him, you said it, you do it. I have told you how I feel and I do not change my mind from day to day as you do. Stop putting this on me.
Walk away. He wants to see you grovel over and over. Stop doing it.
It sounds as though he is so insecure he wants to make you pay over and over and over.
I am not saying leave, I am saying stop playing his game. You are good. You do not deserve this continuation of guilt. No one does.

I want to thank mom, skell, and tal for your advice. I wrote him a final note and put it on his truck at work (because he works evenings) and told him that I am apologizing for the last time. I told him some of the things mom said about accepting the apology and to acknowledge the efforts I have made. He woke me when he got home (11:30), said some rude things about the guys I work with and how I probably f$$$ed about 6 -7 yesterday. Went on about if I want that kind of lifestyle to go have it and how he's put 110% into the marriage... so on and so forth.

He is still mad that I get on this site and put "my life" out there for all to read. He said it is weird. He also said I probably have a boyfriend within this sight and we are talking using "code names" (for lack of better word)

I asked him in his heart-of -hearts if he truly thinks I was unfaithful. It took him a couple minutes to answer "I don't know." I told him that I feel I have been on "trial" for 3 months for "flirting" -- I said I know I overstepped my boundaries but have apologized for the last time. I feel, I left the ball in his court and he can decide what he wants to do. I told him I loved him

I told him that I loved him with all my heart and want this marriage to work. I also said I feel this ordeal was a "sign" to maybe get my $hit in order and be a better wife and mother.

I feel good today... from experience I know it can change from minute to minute depending on the day.

Thank you guys!! ;)

I actually feel a sort of "innerpeace" today (if that makes any sense?) about how I left it. I guess it is a feeling of doing all I can do, and being at ease with it. I will keep being loving and keep showing him I am trying to work, and see where it goes from here.

That's great. I like the note touch.

Sounds like hubby has some issues - ridiculous on the boyfriend thing. He seems to have a long way to go on this.

Hubby better get his butt in gear before you get tired of working on this marriage by yourself, but I don't have a lot of sympathy for him right now either. Just make sure YOU continue to grow, BIM.

I have no sympathy for this guy - - if I were you - I'd run - he sounds real creepy to me right now.

I don't know that he sounds creepy, but he's got one heck of a chip on his shoulder for sure. Pointing the finger at you was one thing, to repeatedly throw things that are untrue, insinuate certain crude behaviors is rude and disrespectful, which, unfortunately is what very insecure men can do. I'm glad you spoke up for yourself. You were honest and yet considerate in reiterating your love for him. The ball is in his court, hopefully, he will see that you really do love him and not blow this marriage. Be strong and have faith, remember, prayer goes a long way.

Jealousy kills love.Your husband attitudes are completely unacceptable and if he continues suspecting you which I am sure he will.Then your marriage will be near end.
Try taking him to a marriage consultant,it may help.Otherwise,I advise you to enjoy your life and put him behind your back!

I don't know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. Its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. You should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. Calm down be a lady and respect your husband because I tell you later on he is going to be done accusing you of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. If you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you

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Originally Posted by tamikiopruitt

i dont know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. you should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. calm down be a lady and respect your husband becasue i tell u later on he is going to be done accusing u of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. if you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you

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You obviously haven't read the whole thread as we have been over this. You really need to read every post before commenting which quite clearly you haven't.
And why can't single people be friends with married people. That sounds very insecure to me.
I am single and have many many female and male married friends. I would never ever consider doing anything with them and I know they wouldn't either.
I think if there is trust in a relationship then a marrie person should be able to be friends with anyone.

Hey that's cool for you and I did read the whole thing married men should not be friends with single women I say adventually something is going to rub on but that is your opionion only because your single. Get married and see if you like your wife firting with single men

Actually, I'm married and I agree with Skell. I don't have issues with my husband having female friends and vice versa. Neither of us have friends that we don't both know. I have a very close and good friend who happens to be male, but when he visits me, he visits my whole family. My husband and him are like brothers. Yeah, I knew him first, for 24 years to be exact, but they are still very close. He has one or two female friends who interact with both of us. Now, if you mean do we go out with acquaintances from work alone, no, there's no connection there. But friends, are okay, as long as there is a mutualness there. Being friends and having someone around that you flirt with are two very separate things.

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Originally Posted by tamikiopruitt

i dont know what you were like before you married your husband maybe you use to flirt like that before and that is what you are use to but honey your married now and you should not have any man single friends or much less going out with them. its okay to have girlfriend single or married but watch out for them too they just might want your husband. you should not flirt with other men not even friends much less play and touch all over them or let them do the same to you. calm down be a lady and respect your husband becasue i tell u later on he is going to be done accusing u of cheating and he is going to do the same things to you that your doing to him and you will see how it feels even if he is just playing with other women too and nothering is going on. if you have proof that he is not cheating on you then stop firting or playing around with friends and let your husband keep his respect for you the last thing you want to do is have him start respecting you

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First Off you do not know me well enough to call me honey. Secondly, you do not need to point your daggers at me and imply that I am not a lady.:mad: As far as having male friends, I work with 35 men, so I DO have male friends. This sight is for people to come to for advice on how to work through situations, not to get badgered my meaningless accusations.

Also, (if you would have read this thread completely) I wasn't going out with these men--My HUSBAND invited them to OUR house for a party HE was throwing.

Also, this whole thread is not implying that my husband is cheating on me... you need to read the WHOLE post. Also you last opinion about "the last thing you want to do is have him start repecting you" what is that? Last I checked my husband does respect me, he doesn't need to start.

Get your facts straight before you start slinging mud.

OK that's cool you keep on doing what are doing you don't have do be offended by what I said you got on here talking about what your husband thinks your doing I really care less of what your doing I was only trying help and you asked people for their answers but I see that you can't take an answer that doesn't agree with what your so you should have keep your question to yourself have a blessed day.

J_9 agrees: I am wondering if you should keep your answers to yourself. She came on here to ask a question. That is what the site is for. So far your answers are way off base. Maybe you should think before you "speak."

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Sorry, I meant to disagree with what you said tami.

Please think before you speak.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tamikiopruitt

ok thats cool you keep on doing what are doing you dont have do be offended by what i said you got on here talking about what your husband thinks your doing i really care less of what your doing i was only trying help and you asked people for their answers but i see that you can't take an answer that dosent agree with what your so you should have keep your question to yourself have a blessed day.

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If you were to read ALL of the posts, most of them questioned my behavior--and if you were to read the UPDATE my husband and I are going to counselling and things are getting better because I am a LADY and trying to work through MY faults that I am aware of--to make my marriage work.

I posted a question knowing not all comments were not going to be pleasant. And if you would have read the posts you would also notice that all comments were put in a respectful manner.

I will probably not keep my questions to myself, because I enjoy this sight and respect MOST everyone's feedback.

My suggestion to you would be in the future to think about what you type, because we are all humans with feelings, and some people on this sight have pretty damaged feelings at that and do not need to be spit on any more.

Also, if you could care less, then you should not be on this sight giving advice to people that are looking for someone to care.

I will have a blessed day. Thank you.