Ask Me Help Desk - My husbands lack of attraction to me ?

Quote:

Originally Posted by kp2171

ive read your most recent post.

im still not completely convinced of anything... one way or the other.

a university of pennsylvania study showed that 10-30% of viagra users were nonresponsive to the drug. then, using lipitor to treat endothelial cells followed by viagra, some showed increased performance. meaning physical issues can be complex.

the best case scenario i can think of for you... he wants to satisfy you but is unable. the use of porn and self stimulation (he can likely get off even with a semiflacid penis) is being used to get some personal satisfaction that wouldnt likely work with sex at this point. combine physical blocks (hardening of the arteries that comes with aging, potential coronary disease, vascular issues) and mental blocks (performance anxiety, depression) and its a recipe for failure all the time.

does he ever offer oral to you? i love oral on the woman to prepare her for intercourse, but i personally think it should not be used as a crutch... that intercourse should normally be the way in which couples connect. that said... im just trying to save a marriage here, and any baby steps that can get us to a better place are good.

so... im going to ask you to do something that you might not be comfortable with... to step out of your normal boundaries because i think you want a healthy sex life with your husband. has he ever been responsive to oral sex? have you? have you ever been responsive to self stimulation or using a vibrator? at this point i want some "wins" for you both. oral on him might amp up the mental side if he hasnt received it. oral on you can be very effective. i understand if this isnt something that interests you. just a suggestion.

likewise... another possibility is for you to ask him to kiss and bite at your neck, ears, and chest while you self stimulate... or that you ask him to self stimulate while you bite and kiss at his neck and ears. this does a few things. it can amp up the mental side (naughty factor) and it can give you both a chance to get some release together, still connected, even if its not through intercourse.

if he is honestly nonresponsive to ED drugs it could be that he is absolutely beside himself with embarassment and frustration... and initiating sex with you is salt on the wound because he knows it just wont work. its a self fulfilling prophecy. a terrible feedback cycle that propagates itself.

and then again... on the other hand... worst case scenario is that he is just uninterested and not willing to please you one way or the other.

whether it concerns sex or any other aspect of life... i believe you should give a person the opportunity to do the right thing. to tell them what is wrong and to give them that chance.

life in the bedroom can be complicated. it can reflect the overall health of the marriage, or it can be tied to a pesky little enzyme that wont let the blood pool in his penis. or anywhere in between. it is influenced by the sum of many physical issues and complicated by mental issues.

i dont want to tell you to give up. i think there are some things left to try. after that... youve beared the weight.

if he is unresponsive to your request for oral, even after youve given to him first, then its time for couples therapy. if he is unwilling... its time to choose.

ive talked to men who are just beside themself because of failure of the body to perform. its absolutely humilitating. i dont take his self stimulation as meaning he doesnt want to please you... i do take it as his acting in frustration.

so... force his hand. take a chance. see if oral or self stim gives a response in him. then ask the same of him. if he is unwilling, he isnt willing to please you. a man who lets his pride get in the way of trying to satiate his partner is less than a man.

steel piercing erections are wasted on 16 year olds. that he was nonresponsive to ED drugs doesnt mean he isnt interested. it doesnt mean he is, either.

so... time to push one last time and see what he is willing to do or not do.

I fully understand that physical issues can be complex and that physical doesn't necessarily mean mental. That is where my problem is. I know he has physical issues but that shouldn't stop him from wanting to.

In the very few times we have even tried he has been semi-flaccid. In fact for the last 4-5 years he has been that way and our usual way of satisfying each other is, he uses his hand on me and I either use my hand but mostly oral.

When we first met, he was unbelievable in bed. He did things to me I have never experienced before and he was really into oral for both of us. About a month after we got married he had quit oral on me and when I asked him to he said he didn't like to do it and I let it go because he always satisfied me. I still continued to give him oral before and after his ED.

Some of the suggestions you mentioned (well actually all of them)about self satisfying and using toys, biting & kissing while pleasuring ourselves all work and we have done that in the past. He used to try something different each time and everything worked for me and for him so he knows these things work that is what troubles me is that he knows he can pleasure me in ways other than intercourse and yet he chooses not to.

So now knowing I have tried everything you suggested already what do I do. Do I try again only to have my heart broken or do I make "the decision"?

I really appreciate all of your input and I do have to say that your advice is the one while reading I just broke down in tears because I think I know what the answer is but just don't want to face it.

At this point id suggest couples counseling. If you or he is not willing to do this, you know your answer. I think its worth doing the hard work to save a marriage when both people are engaged in trying to make their relationship work, even if they are off track. But both need to be willing to step up and seek help.

Keep in mind there might be a medical reason why the doctor won't give him the Blue pill (Viagra). It can kill you (or at least increase the risk of death) if you have certain medical problems.

Try counseling as has been recommended. A marriage takes two people.

Quote:

Originally Posted by odiebear

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 11 I'm 41, he's 50. Before being married the sex was out of this world and he would hold and cuddle afterwards and he always thought of me first (during sex). He was the first man that gave me an orgasim each and every time. He actually taught me all sorts of things and for the first time in my life I felt sexy and desired.

NOW I can't even remember the last time we had sex and even then it was not full on sex, mostley just foreplay and it's always the same way the same thing. When we try to have intercourse he can't stay hard and I feel that there is something going on in his mind that actually turns him off when he thinks of having sex with me. When I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and cuts me off. He says it's not me it's him and his health issues causing him to have ID. However, many mornings when he thinks I'm asleep he pleasures himself. I have also found porn on the computer and tissue in the trash (if you know what I mean.)

He kept saying he needed the little blue pill but his doctor would not give it to him and he was not happy. I was also not happy because I felt humiliated that my husband needed a pill to make love to me, like I caused him to be unable to perform or do something wrong. I felt if he really wanted to have sex with me he would. I finnaly gave in about the blue pill and he finally got some about 3 months ago. We still have not had sex, but there is new porn on the computer. This is really breaking my heart, I love him with all I have and would do anthing for him. He doesn't even hold me anymore or cuddle. I feel like a room mate instead of a wife. He does tell me severl times a day that he loves me, he buys me things, he is a great husband in every other sense and because of everything else I wonder if he is just trying to convince himself.

I have no one I can talk to about this without total humiliation because I honestly bevieve its something to do with me.

I need help or advise. This is really causing some major depression, very very low self esteem and lots and lots of tears.

Darling Lady,
Please understand that we ladies view sex much differently then men. It starts in the basic wiring of survival of the human race; Men are pre-programed to mate as often and with as many different partners as they can, to ensure procreation. Women were wired opposite to allow us to "mother" bond with kids, and love our husband (even when he is behaving like Tarzan.

Men do not have to feel loved by the partners they have... If you are a female, not only does that seem foreign to you, but it might gross u out...

Okay so the years have passed and taken their toll on your body, and maybe you are thinking he is not attracted to you anymore. This is probably the farthest thing from the truth! In fact, he is probabbly fearful and ashmed each time his flagpole doesn't go above half mast (if you know what I mean); fearful of your reaction, ashamed he is unable to preform, and therefore unable to sexually gratify you.

Okay so now what? So his self esteem is suffering too girl, and while I know it is quite difficult, it is time for you two to open up verbally about your sexuality. About the aging process; how you both feel about your individual sex lives... This is not easy.

So plan a relaxed evening, feed each other a salad leaf by leaf over wine,
Find someway to be close to each other that is non-threatening, and open up the dialog by reading him your letter (the one I am writing back to).

It is a good place to start as I can tell it came from the heart. He will know it did too. Then let him know you need his touch, not just his (well you know).

Real sex is not even about intercourse... so next time you think he is masturbating, take off those granny panties and join him. (no offence... just adding levity) but the advice stands. This way you are each solely responsible for your orgasm, together, but no performance anxiety exists.

Also, please refrain from ever makibg insulting remarks about his ability... only talk about the way you feel alone in bed... not that he is bad in it. And gently let him know that you still think he is King of your Realm.

I do not recommend counselling as a couple for preformance issues because it ofte times makes it worse.

Get a vibrator or adult toys so you can still feel a lot of pleasure while he is going through his issues.

Best of luck.
L

I am a guy who has looked at and enjoys some porn. I will say, those pictures could have been for him to get himself aroused ahead of time. It's not necessarily you. Now, it could be that he has an issue where he is so into something, a fetish, that he cannot get aroused without it and that when he goes to be with you, both that and in combination, his age, causes him now to not be able to function. Talk with him about it, love him, be as open as you can.

I am young enough, lucky enough, or both, to not need the little blue pill, at all. I do know, though, that with kids around, and the stresses of day to day things, once we do have time, a couple of times a week, I really, really enjoy it if I have allowed myself some alone time ahead of time to be turned on, but to not orgasm. For a guy it is different. If you can, and you can, literally build some up, the ejaculation is way more powerful. It's either that or enjoyable, erotic, or romantic cuddling with foreplay mixed for an hour or more that would do the trick. He might be trying some self help before getting the little blue pill and just says his doctor won't give it to him yet, who knows.

Be loving and supportive. Ask him with an open mind and enjoy the answer no matter what it is. It sounds like you care too much and are too far into him to try to concern yourself negatively with this situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by odiebear

My husband and I have been married for 8 years and together for 11 I'm 41, he's 50. Before being married the sex was out of this world and he would hold and cuddle afterwards and he always thought of me first (during sex). He was the first man that gave me an orgasim each and every time. He actually taught me all sorts of things and for the first time in my life I felt sexy and desired.

NOW I can't even remember the last time we had sex and even then it was not full on sex, mostley just foreplay and it's always the same way the same thing. When we try to have intercourse he can't stay hard and I feel that there is something going on in his mind that actually turns him off when he thinks of having sex with me. When I try to talk to him about it he gets mad and cuts me off. He says it's not me it's him and his health issues causing him to have ID. However, many mornings when he thinks I'm asleep he pleasures himself. I have also found porn on the computer and tissue in the trash (if you know what I mean.)

He kept saying he needed the little blue pill but his doctor would not give it to him and he was not happy. I was also not happy because I felt humiliated that my husband needed a pill to make love to me, like I caused him to be unable to perform or do something wrong. I felt if he really wanted to have sex with me he would. I finnaly gave in about the blue pill and he finally got some about 3 months ago. We still have not had sex, but there is new porn on the computer. This is really breaking my heart, I love him with all I have and would do anthing for him. He doesn't even hold me anymore or cuddle. I feel like a room mate instead of a wife. He does tell me severl times a day that he loves me, he buys me things, he is a great husband in every other sense and because of everything else I wonder if he is just trying to convince himself.

I have no one I can talk to about this without total humiliation because I honestly bevieve its something to do with me.

I need help or advise. This is really causing some major depression, very very low self esteem and lots and lots of tears.

Been in your shoes girl... It is NOT your fault... I'm 43 and he's 53. Went through a long period of no contact. Found porn on his computer... confronted him... He said he was sorry.. and we are working on getting closer... It's still not the same and even with the pill he doesn't last... I too, still feel cheated, but I'm trying to work on it with him. He does need to know that you know about the porn, mine was embarrassed but admitted it. I think he did himself so much that he can't complete anymore without my hands, which is heart breaking to me that I feel I'm not good enough. Hang in there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by l12

Been in your shoes girl.........It is NOT your fault... I'm 43 and he's 53. went through a long period of no contact. Found porn on his computer.....confronted him.......He said he was sorry..and we are working on getting closer........It's still not the same and even with the pill he doesn't last......I too, still feel cheated, but I'm trying to work on it with him. He does need to know that you know about the porn, mine was embarrassed but admitted it. I think he did himself so much that he can't complete anymore without my hands, which is heart breaking to me that I feel I'm not good enough. Hang in there.

I wouldn't think that... that he can't without your hands because he did it alone too much. At 53, who knows by then. That isn't super old, but it isn't 18 or even 30 anymore either. By saying don't think that, I mean, don't put it on yourself. It sounds like you are being supportive of him which I think is the best thing ever.

I think the problem may be in his head. The one between his shoulders.

This is a tough question, but is it possible he is having an affair?

I feel that my husband is not physically or sexually attracted to me, yet he says he loves me and never wants to leave me. Can a marriage work like that? He says he will never cheat and doesn't want to be with anyone but me and I want to believe him, however his actions speak louder. He has never cheated and I believe he never will and I believe he loves me, but I want to feel desired and wanted and not like a chore (in the bedroom). Should I get over it or is our marriage in trouble?

Hi odie, you have to make it more interesting for him in the bedroom. I am sure you can do that. Do you wear pjs to bed or do you wear nighties? Maybe you should think of wearing some really sexy stuff to catch his eye. No man can resist that ! Marriage has to be worked at and sounds like you are both okay but some men are just ambivalent once they get married, they feel they don't have to put in an effort. Not true. Both of you do to make things happen the way you want.

Ms tickle

I see that you posted in 2007 along these same lines.

Has nothing worked?

Is his diabeties under control?

Have you tried any councilling since?

My apoligies for all the questions,I'm just trying to get a clearer picture of any changes in the last 3 years.

Yes it was me in 2007 and I have tired everything. I have talked to him, I have tried the sexy nightgowns, the toys, even bringing porn into the bedroom dvd player for him. He has made a point of "pleasuring" more often, but it's still sparse (ie months in between sometimes) but as I was afraid of before I feel like he is only doing it out of obligation or duty. I can see on his face and in some of his actions he just doesn't enjoy it, and can't wait for it to be over. I am very clean and always try to smell good especially before coming to bed but he still will not do oral on me and that is the only way I have been able to please him, is with oral. He still has the ED, but his health has drastically improved, he works out 6 days a week, and eats very healthy, his blood pressure and cholesterol are both perfect, his blood sugars are under control to the point they took him off some of his meds, he is losing weight and is very active. He has tried the pills again now that his health is better but he says they don't work.
I have been sooo patient and never do I approach the matter in a negative way, and I am always telling him how much I love him and how handsome he is and I think he is extremely sexy. I let him know when I'm thinking of him and share with him when I have sexy dreams which always include him. There is no doubt he knows how I feel about him and I believe he loves me in every other way. He is a wonderful husband and I can't blame him for not being attracted to me, but it is effecting me greatly knowing that my husband doesn't find me attractive and sex with me is a chore or obligation for him and not because he wants to. Maybe I'm way off base, but after all these years I don't know how else to think or feel.
I have suggested counseling but he gets angry and says it's the ED or "at his age" "he's not an 18 year old boy anymore", then the subject gets dropped and he will make sure to pleasure me within a week of the discussion and then things go back to the way they were.
I'm sorry for sounding so whiny but I just wrote him a letter explaining everything and it mentions possible divorce, but I'm afraid to give it to him and I'm really hurting and stressed right now.
Thank you for your help.

When you say you can't blame him for not being attracted to you,is that the reason you think or one he had given you?

From reading your other thread,he sounds like a good husband,faithful and supportive,except in this matter.

The only way forward,and from reading your other thread and 3 years later you still have the same problem,is seeing a marriage councillor,or therapy it's the only option I can see that will give either of you any answers.

Would he consider going on his own?

At this point I can see how you would want to divorce,and perhaps having that not as a threat but a real possibility may push him to understand your feelings.

This is a thorn that has festered.

You bring it up and he puts a short term band aid on it.its not enough.

To get a different reaction you need to try a different approach,if you always try the same things you always get the same result.

You don't sound whiny,you sound sad and upset and frustrated and I don't thing anyone can blame you.

At the very least I think its important for you to try councilling,you need an outlet for your fears,anger and frustration.

Odie, if you have done all of this since 2007, then cut your losses and find someone who appreciates you. This man is a lost cause. Does life have to knock you over the head to make you see that nothing can be done. Counselling... n o way... I don't know why this fellow got married in the first place, could be he wanted his meals cooked, his housecleaning done, etc. etc.

Tick

You've been dealing with his issues for so long that I think counseling for you is a good idea whether he joins in or not or you stay in the marriage.

I think you are too upset right now to make a decision that you could live with.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

You've been dealing with his issues for so long that I think counseling for you is a good idea whether he joins in or not or you stay in the marriage.

I think you are too upset right now to make a decision that you could live with.

Oh you are a card. Couselling for her. Okay but where will that take her. Right back for another chance with him.

Did you not read this has been going since 2007, has not improved. This woman has been banging her head against a wall this whole time, cat.

She has to cut her losses, find her own person, whoever that might be and forget about trying to find him with her sort of thingy.

IMO

Tick, luva cats

Quote:

Maybe I'm way off base, but after all these years I don't know how else to think or feel.
I have suggested counseling but he gets angry and says it's the ED or "at his age" "he's not an 18 year old boy anymore", then the subject gets dropped and he will make sure to pleasure me within a week of the discussion and then things go back to the way they were.

Before you do anything try the counseling for yourself, to at least relieve the guilt, and depression. With help you can get a fresh outlook on yourself, and your situation, and make a good decision for yourself based on facts, and not just feelings.

Lack of sex is but a symptom of a problem in another area of this relationship, that needs to be addressed. Find out what it is, and solve it, but first, you really need to find yourself, as reading all your posts its fairly obvious you have been made helpless by his problem(?), and made it yours, and now you have too much of yourself esteem wrapped in his attention.

You really need to be guided through the process of finding yourself, so you can make choices that work for you, with, or without his help, and support. ED, and age are not his problem, and have nothing at all to do with supporting, and making his partner happy, but since you have bought into his excuses, you have become resigned to them, and that's not fair to you. Intimacy, and love, are very different than just sex, but lack of sex always gets the blame.

If you were healthy attitude wise, you would pity the poor misguided fool, and not take his shortcomings so personally. And you would not feel bad because he is a lazy arse.

But you would know what to do to make yourself happy. Take a vacation from him, and get a counselor.