I have to laugh at this comment... "I can't believe the nerve of some women" I have beat my head trying to figure that out myself...

Listen we women are MORE in control of our situations than we are willing to admit.. MEN will be MEN, YOU as the woman have to keep things in prospective... Our biggest fault is that we start with one set of emotions and then get caught up in another set...

I too have questioned how could she do this? I WOULD NEVER EVER get myself in such a predicament... Because you see Diane I care a bit too much perhaps of how my actions will affect others involved... Therefore I cannot understand how others don't do that as well...

I agree an email is a good start... Just make sure you maintain your composure and remain in control... Once she recognizes that you are losing it she'll jump all over that!

Yes, exactly! Me too, I would be horiffied at how that would affect others involved not to mention what it would make me look like. I would NEVER do that to others or myself. So, Im trying to be patient but hub has yet to fwd her email to me (I don't have her email address until I get that). He's at work and Im sitting her at home beyond eager to send this email and get it off my chest.

I didn't mention that I took the baby and left for a month, not knowing if I would return. Well now Im back, has only been a week and he and I are getting along so well, he is trying so hard to save us and I know that his heart is with his family. That said, I feel to keep the peace between him and I, I must approach him w/ love and patience. You know, I don't want to dive back into argueing. Im trying to take this stance: It is my choice to stay. I love my husband. I am willing to accept what he did and accept this child. I am going to "stand by my man". This way, I'll know I did every little thing possible to work on our marriage and if god forbit it doesn't work out, I'll know I did my part to try. So, I hope he'll comply and fwd me that damn email from her and I don't have to keep reminding him, I don't want it to get ugly, again. OH yes, and I will keep my cool in my email message. I know this issue deserves delicacy and tact. My impression is that she is kind of ghetto and mouthy. I will not stoop to that.

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Originally Posted by SadWife

Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this.... :confused: :mad: :(

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I have been dealing with the same situation and it is recent for me.. I can truly sympathize with your hurt. My husband confessed to me about 4 months ago that is now the father to a son from an affair. I felt like someone hit me with a ton of bricks.. She has never said I am sorry to me for the act and has did everything to make sure that my husband has a hard time in taking the child off to spend time with him. He is 4 months... he was a newborn when I found out. She claims that she does not know where is going to take the baby that is why he cannot take him off. I feel so helpless for me and my kids... I know that this is his son but I can't help but feel hurt and resentment for them all for what they have done to my family... I can only give you what I have learned from my experience and that is that [B]FAITH[B] is really tested in times like these. In my situation, my husband has been very apologetic, loving, and trying to make amends for his wrong. He is also trying to be a non "dead beat" dad to the baby and the perfect dad to our two kids at the same time. I don't see how he can do this. You just have to look at the "pros" and "cons" of the whole marriage. Is it worth hanging in there? Does he still have feelings for the person? In my case my husband said that they were friends and it escalated into something but it was never a "love"affair it was sex. My trust is not all the way back either, I don't know when it will be. I still snoop and keep my eyes open for everything. You have to ask yourself is this pain worth continuing and what will come of this marriage? If it is positive thoughts you receive, then work at it and see what happens. If not, let it go now before you waste any more of your life. I have thought about letting go, but I have a lot of pros that keep me hanging in there. He is a good man that made a mistake that we have to deal with for the rest of our lives, but he loves me and treats me very well.

I like your point of view Tamanding. My husband is also a good man who made a mistake that will effect us for the rest of our lives. Right now my biggest struggle is that I want to make contact with her, she says she doesn't want to talk to me. In fear that she will try to keep that baby from him if she gets her feathers ruffled he asks me to please refrain for now. It bothers me that he is respecting her wishes, I feel like he should totally apease me and do what ever it takes to help me regain my trust.

Im no dummy, I know that he could be keeping me away from her because maybe there is more to the story or maybe he lead her on more than he'll admit and maybe he doesn't want me to have more to stew over. Of course he says no, its not like that. I don't even know if I care anymore, I mean it was before we were married and he did admit before we married that he "hooked" up with her. I just feel like I NEED to talk to her, claim my ground or something. Which of course he totally doesn't understand. I don't know how to deal with this. I could totally go behind his back and call her, I have her number, but I don't want to do that behind his back. Do you really think he doesn't want me to talk to her because he's worried that she'll get all weird maybe hold the baby back? She IS in Puerto Rico after all. What if he's telling the truth? What if Im being a total fool??

When I try and wieght it out, my heart says to stay. He's a wonderful father, he's kind and I know he loves me. I just don't know how to get through this... ;-( Feeling so hopeless at the moment..

So, Husband and I had a long talk last night. He wanted to "lay ALL his cards on the table". Turns out he has known about this baby all along. That shortly after he found out I was pregnant, he found out she was pregnant. He told me he just found out a couple months ago, after the baby was born and AFTER we got married. He also initially told me they had just hooked up once while him and I were together and that's when she got knocked up. Well him and her had had a casual on and off relationship the whole time him and I were in a supposed committed long distance relationship. When she told him she was pregnant he told her about me and that he planned on building a life with me. He chose me over her, does that make me feel better? Hell no. So, he basically treated her like crap, denied the baby for months and paid for her to go home to her family back in Puerto Rico. He's been secretly sending her money every month since. No wonder we're so finacially strapped!

He admits he has got some serious issues. He says he had to get all this off his chest to start new, to do some soul searching. Says he wasn't telling me because he wants me to leave him but so he could clear his damn consience. Oh yeah, and there were other women as well. He finds solace that all of this happened before we were married but to me, I was married to him the whole time, was so in love with him. I am just as hurt that he did all of this before we were married as I would be if it happened while we were married,. I think. So now his consience is cleared and I feel like Ive been punched in the gut over and over. He actually expects me to stay with him and work it out, after everything he told me. Some of the stuff like the random other girls I swear I didn't need to know about, it was just extra hurt, I feel like he didn't even need to tell me all the dirty details. Did he not care how much that would hurt me. Took it off his chest and put in my world of hurt forever.

I left a great job, and everything I knew to come here and be with him. Its not so simple to just leave. And of course I have hopes that he can, has or will rehabilitate. Oh GOD, what do I do? I don't know what to do!!

(To reiterate, him and I had a long distance relationship, we got pregnant, I moved here after our baby was born and we married four months after that).

I feel sad and frustrated to hear story like that, it seems men are not trustful at all! Why they always look for other women, why they do not satisfy with only one woman! I always believe that once a cheater, always a cheater! If without baby, I definitely leave my man if he betrayed me! I can’t take that! That is why I am still single! I know there are some kind of women, they do not care their men flirt with other women as long as he married her! I totally can’t understand! What is love? What is marriage? What is commitment?

To Diane and SadWife

I am sorry this happened to both of you. Unfortunately, I have an 8-month old baby with a married man. His wife has a 3-month old and has no clue about my child. She does know he had an affair because she called me. That’s how I found out that he was married. Of course a couple of weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant with his baby. Throughout the whole pregnancy till now he still claims that he loves me and his wife. He wants to be with both of us. Only, I know this not his wife. He still tries to sleep with me. If I didn’t know better and have some kind of conscious, I would fall for him. But I know better. I am nobody’s fool, twice.
I say all this to say that be careful with your husband. He might be saying its done, but every time he visits his child trying to get in her pants. If she learned her lesson she won’t, but if she hasn’t, oh well.
I am a believer that once a cheater always a cheater until he learns his lesson. If you haven’t shown him that his actions or cheating is unacceptable, why would he stop cheating.

Just be careful and don’t be so quick to blame the other woman. You’ve been lied to and so has she. You don’t what lies he has been telling her. Unfortunately, I was naïve enough to believe him. But never twice the fool. Good Luck in your marriages.

Hey there sadwife.

I know I'm months behind on this, but ran across this and figured I'd write on it.

I am going through the same thing, my husband and I have been together for 4 years now and he cheated on me with "a friend" and she turned out pregnant. He was having problems in his life and instead of turning to me he turned to drugs and was hanging out with this girl. He's still not sure if the child is his which about every 3 months she send child support papers and we tell her paternity test and she cancels it. So now that the baby is 9 months old my husband is finally getting to find out this Thursday if the child is his or not. *being we have two of our own a 4 year old boy and 2 year old girl.* I've stayed with him through all of this. I think I'm more hurt then anything but have chose to stay with him. All the decisions are so complicated and frustrating... If you still check this I would like to see the progress in your story, hoping to hear good, hoping good will come out of this. :eek:

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Originally Posted by SadWife

Help! After my husband confessed to an affair when he found out she was pregnant and was keeping the baby, I still decided to TRY to work things out. How should his communication with her be handled. Normally, after an affair the obvious is to cut all ties with the mistress, but in this case there is a child involved. Can anyone list some tips or boundaries for this type of situation. I am asking outsiders so I am sure I personally am not being unrealistic about what kinds of boudaries or rules should be set for dealing with this woman now that we can never be rid of her. BTW, she has written to me unbeknownst to my hubby, apologizing and justifying her actions etc. but this letter seemed more motivated by an intent to hur me futher than real remorse. She did also admit to still having stronge feelings as well has having real difficulties with getting over him etc. IF boundaries are not set, I will never trust him with her. She lives in another state and he is suppose to be going to visit "the baby" soon. But I am so scared of what may happen because I am not going. How can I deal with this.... :confused: :mad: :(

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Firstly. I would insisit that I go along to all visits.
You have been more than fair. Go to the visits point blank.
Remain polite to her, remember the child is innocent.
Keep the letter, if you decided to divorce your husband, this letter is proof and you could bring his cheating to the cleaners.

Again -- wow, I'm not the only person in this situation. My husband has been working in a different country for almost two years due to his job. Just as he was ready to come home to me and our three kids he told me that he had another child with someone where he is living. I just can't believe it. I feel so mad that he is putting me and the kids (who don't know anything about this) is this situation. He has still not come back home, however I'm thinking that I don't even want him back. Only thing is the kids just love him so much and have already suffered so much with him being away to work already. I've heard that kids do better with divorce when they are younger than if they are older?? What the hell is wrong with these men?? Why can't they just be happy with the family that they have?? My head spins all day long trying to figure out what to do. I guess I just needed to write it all down as I basically know what I have to do out of my own self-respect. I haven't told any of my friends or family as I'm just too embarrassed about the whole situation. This is not the first time he has cheated on me, however I've always tried to make things work as I really wanted my kids to grow up in a loving family environment. I'm so mad that he has done this again and now brought another child into the world. This was the last straw as there is now nothing left that is just between him and me and the kids. I think its best that I get my stuff in order, protect my assets for MY kids, and walk away.

Hearing these stories makes me want to cry even more.. My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married 3. We recently moved from NYC to North Carolina.. To make a long story stort we had problems beyond problems due to the transition. My family lives here his does not.. my husband had a affair and during this affair a baby was created.. He came clean immediately and told me the girl said she was pregnant by him.. it has not been easy and I'am hurt beyond words.. The girl decided to keep the baby and hope one day my husband will leave me.. I say this because I read text messages and she loves him, from my understanding and his response he tells her he married he not leaving his wife and he just going to be there for his child.. my husband is not a dead beat and I know he going to be there for his kid.. however a selfish part of me want her to take her baby and go away.. I'm trying hard to deal with it and I go through my own emotions.. we talked and talked and he really needs my support right now.. because he is truly sorry.. How do I handle this without going into a rage at times.. whenever I see a pregnant women I want to throw up because I keep thinking about this women.. I don't totally blame her because he married to me, but some days I want to wake up and it be a dream.. I stand by him because I love him and I want her to see that we are united and no baby is going to break us up.. My daughter loves her dad and every time I see them together that is one of the reasons I'm still here..

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Originally Posted by sazon

I am i the same situation and also decided to try to work it out. Yes I feel stupid, crazy and all that but I love him and I know he loves me..... we have been married for 19 years and this the first time we have had to deal with anything like this and i hope the last, yes, i know one a cheater......

In my caseit is not proven that he is the father but there is a good chance he is. I am stuck between turning our backs on this child and doing what most would say is the right thing, until they are faced with it....they made the mistake i did not why should i have to deal with anything!!!!!!! wrong or right that is the question....i am hurt confused and in love

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I too have been with my partner for 19 years. with 2 children. And we have just found out he MAY be the father to a child.. we are awaiting a DNA test.. This all came about after he went to a wedding out of town and said he had been pursued by another female.. (happens all the time as he is good looking).. He ended up getting blind rotten drunk and didn't remember too much by the end of the night..
The next day he told me what had happened... how she followed him everywhere etc.. He then found out that she had helped herself to him whilst passed out... (still keep in mind he is telling me everything! )
Meanwhile a lot of the things she was saying didn't add up.. (shes a bit of a fruitloop).. she said she was pregnant and it was my partners..
This came about just after we had miscarried our child... So you can imagine how I felt.. I Love this man to death.. and it is too hard to just say stuff the relationship... especially when you have children involved.. I am up and down with emotions at the moment one minute I want to hit him but in the next I want to hold him... then I think back to how he came straight out and told me what had happened.. As strange as it seems to a lot of people... the truth of the matter is that this woman raped him.. some might think its funny but if it was reversed everyone would think it was true... The laws don't see this as being a matter of concern... the law just would like to see the welfare of the child being looked after..

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Originally Posted by SadWife

OMG! Finally someone who knows what I am going through. To many people, it is easy. "Just leave em!" But when you know that the situation was a huge mistake, granted people do stupid things (ie. no matter what age they are or how long they have been married) People do stupid things... I love him so much, yet I too am so devastated by this. Especially since we may not have our own because of my health issues. I really want to be with him, yet my heart dies everyday in this reality. Some days we are great then others I am an emotional mess and crying... It is tough but I didn't want to just give up! If it fails, at least I will know I am doing my best to be understanding and make it work. But I do know it takes two and I can't make it work by myself...He too will have to keep my feelings about this in mind and make the necassary udjustments and set boundaries etc. It is a very tough thing for any spouse to deal with but if we accept the cheating spouse back be are in a way saying we WILL deal with things even though we don't want to. But yes it is there responsibility to safeguard the marriage and always put the wife's feeling first. They agreed to stay with you so they are agreeing to deal with your emotional rollercaoster too. They need to understand that! :(

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I'm going through the same problem... would love to talk with you... been going through this still for 5 years... sometimes I think I'm going out of my mind... I love my husband dearly and have been with him 23 years now... so if you want to talk sometime please email me at [email protected]

I too am in the same situation. I am married with 3 children. When my youngest was 2 years old, my husband had a child with another woman. I felt like I had been hit with a concrete block. The "other woman" calculating plotted to destroy my marriage; she even scheduled her cesarean for my daughter's birthday.

I later learned that she completely disregarded her 11 year old son's desire for her to stop seeing a married man, not to mention the example she set for her 16 year old daughter. Her selfishness was overwhelmed only by her complete disregard for her own children.

I could not allow her to ruin the family life of my children. My husband and I worked on staying together. She was in disbelief when my husband told her that I knew about the child, and that we were staying together. Our attorney filed for 50% custody which she certainly did not expect. She was utterly distraught with the idea of me having her child 50% of the time. Both she and her child have disappeared.

I know the pain you feel. Just know that it will pass.

You are not a failure. In our culture its easy to cut ties but its is stronger to stick with it and make it work
Forgiveness goes a long way... it settles your heart and the others involved even though the situation handed was not great
The ability to overcome is priceless...

First do not take it out on the baby EVER
Second he can demand a paternity test before he agrees to sign birth certificate or anything.
Third if he is going for joint custody and visitations then his involvement with her should just be short phone calls ABOUT the baby and seeing her at visitation exchanges. IF there is not custody/visitations on his part for whatever reasons he would have NO need or reason to deal with her.
He also needs to take into consideration the child support to but that is no reason to be in contact with her either once it is established.
Setting boundaries is good for you peace of mind but often if they guy does want to see the 'other woman' still he will make excuses 'for the baby' so don't give him too much slack if he starts getting excessive.

I too am in this situation, just found out about the affair in April even though it had happened almost 1 1/2 years ago. I found out about do to paternity papers my husband was served by the local sheriff. I AM DEVASTATED!! At this time I told my husband that if it was his child I could not accept that. For me that would be the determining factor you see because this was not the first affair and he promised me that it would never happen again. I told him if he ever felt that urge again to be man enough to come to me and tell me that our marriage was over because I could handle that better than being cheated on. Well obviously that didn't happen and now there is a child that I choose not to accept. We have children of our own and this is breaking my heart but I feel so betrayed. Our marriage has been on the rocks for years maybe if it had been stable when this happened I would have felt like fighting for it but it was not stable and all my fight is gone. Lord knows I love this man but every time I would look at this child it would break my heart all over again and I just can't handle that. He is now pointing fingers at me because I can't live with it, I forgive him I just can't be with him. Am I wrong, lord knows I pray that I am not but I can only do what I feel is best in this situation. I pray that no one will ever have to go through this type of situation but unfortunately I know they will... may GOD be with you if you do and please understand everything is different for everyone and all you can do is what is best for you.

I knew from the beginning that I was not the only one this was happening to. I'm so glad I have somewhere to vent! I too, am going through the same thing. My husband has always cheated--I knew this was inevitable--and had even said--"I would never leave my husband because of another woman, but if he has a baby...I'd have to roll!"... Well, I'm close to rolling.

We have been together for 9 years. Of those 9 years... he may have been faithful 3 months (I know that sounds crazy)! I have never cheated on my husband (My commitment was to God, not him). But now, with this baby... this constant reminder that he cheated on me! I know that the baby is innocent... but how do I handle this... He has dealt with the girl (she's 25, I'm 39--he's 35) for the past 4-5 years... she once told me that she loved my husband and there was nothing I could do to come between that love. However, he doesn't love her enough to leave me? I told her... who am I to stand in the way of true love? I mean... he's a wonderful provider, and OUTSTANDING father to my step-daughter and our son! I want for nothing (material wise)! But I can't deal with the lies... oh YES! He lies to "protect" my feelings.. but he always gets caught! I believe in my heart that it is over... and that I need to move on---but can I afford it?. do I want to struggle?. will this situation get better? How can I get over the hurt, pain and embarrassment?

I just wish I could wiggle my nose and fix it! RIGHT! I don't know!. and to be quite honest.. I stopped being in love with him a long time ago! But a break up of our family would devastate our 4 year old?

How do I handle this situation without compromising who I am and still remain faithful??

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Originally Posted by GottaVENT

I knew from the beginning that I was not the only one this was happening to. I'm so glad I have somewhere to vent! I too, am going through the same thing. My husband has always cheated--I knew this was inevitable--and had even said--"I would never leave my husband because of another woman, but if he has a baby...I'd have to roll!"......Well, I'm close to rolling.

We have been together for 9 years. Of those 9 years...he may have been faithful 3 months (I know that sounds crazy)! I have never cheated on my husband (My commitment was to God, not him). But now, with this baby...this constant reminder that he cheated on me! I know that the baby is innocent...but how do I handle this.... He has dealt with the girl (she's 25, I'm 39--he's 35) for the past 4-5 years...she once told me that she loved my husband and there was nothing I could do to come between that love. However, he doesn't love her enough to leave me? I told her...who am I to stand in the way of true love? I mean...he's a wonderful provider, and OUTSTANDING father to my step-daughter and our son! I want for nothing (material wise)! But I can't deal with the lies...oh YES! He lies to "protect" my feelings..but he always gets caught! I believe in my heart that it is over...and that I need to move on---but can I afford it?...do I want to struggle?...will this situation get better? How can I get over the hurt, pain and embarrassment?

I just wish I could wiggle my nose and fix it!! RIGHT! I don't know!...and to be quite honest..I stopped being in love with him a long time ago! But a break up of our family would devastate our 4 year old?

How do I handle this situation without compromising who I am and still remain faithful???

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OMG its so hard to believe that so many of us women are going through these similar situations! I too have to ask... WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE MEN? OR IS IT US WOMEN? Goodness! I'm from Texas. I've been married 18yrs now, my marriage has always been a rocky one (1yr good, the next bad, so on and so forth) I had filed for a divorce back in 2002 and we both had signed it, a judge was suppose to sign off on it and didn't, things happen for a reason sometimes. While in the middle of filing that divorce I had seen 2 men and had a 1 night stand with 1 of them, but I was "safe" about it, protected myself. I knew he had been seeing another woman, because I had spoken to her over the phone. Anyway, since our divorce was never final, we got back together. Just last year (Sept) our marriage was on the rocks again and he moved out of our home and got his own apartment. Later I found out he met a girl and she had sort-of moved her stuff into his apartment. He even took her around his family. He guaranteed her and his family that he was done with me and would divorce me soon. We have 2 teenage kids (son 17, daughter 15) next thing you know he dumped her and wanted to come back home to us. Well, after christmas and new years and all the talks, and coming clean (me about that 1 night stand in 2002 and him with this girl now) we were going to try to work things out again, so he moved back home. We changed our cell phone numbers because she would not stop calling us. This was in Jan/Feb 2008, well the beginning of March it was just not working out, she got his new number somehow and started texting him again, he didn't move out but he wouldn't come home some nites either. I had looked into filing for a divorce again because I just could not take this anymore! But by the end of March he was calling me, talking to me, apologizing, wanting another chance etc. so it wasn't even the full month of March and we were going to "try again". Now in August of 2008 this girl (26yrs old, I'm 36 and he's 35) is claiming she is pregnant with his son and is due in December! (meaning she got pregnant in March!) RUN ME OVER WITH A TRAIN!! A train would still be less painful than all this mess!! Now to wait until December to get a paternity test! She "claims" she wants nothing to do with him, she says she had to let him know that he was the father and that's it, she's so mad that he just doesn't "own up" or admit the kid is his, but he doesn't want anything to do with her or this child either! I don't know what to believe anymore! I think he just says that because he knows my reaction when it comes to her! I mean come on! She knew he was still married with 2 kids! She KNEW what she was getting herself into and she still did it! What for? To hurt me? To take him away from me and my kids since our marriage was already on the rocks? Why? Why couldn't she get her own, SINGLE, man? Does she have no respect for herself what so ever? Now there's an innocent child involved!! Ohhhh I wish I could wiggle my nose and fix it too!!