Ask Me Help Desk - Don't know what to do... is husband trying to cheat?

Soooo you chose to leave your job to help your granddaughter with her struggles, and are now upset because you feel like your husband is drawn to the type of woman you were trying to prevent you granddaughter from being? If that is the case, then wow. By 'wow' I mean how dare you judge a woman you know absolutely nothing about except for clothes she wore on the few (2? 3?) occasions you saw her. If you saw me right now, (t-shirt with long sleeved shirt underneath, jeans, slip on loafer type shoes with no socks) you might think - huh she's not dressed very professional, must not care much about her job, and you would be wrong, it's casual Friday. If you saw me over the week-end (old jeans torn at the knee, tie-dyed shirt, ratty old sweatshirt) you might think - huh, she looks like a stoner, she needs to get a job, and again - you would be wrong, I just bought my very own house (with my own money because I'm single) and was painting the mother loving bejesus out of it and didn't want to wreck my good clothes. My point is - you know nothing, nothing about her and have created this imaginary persona of a 'stripper' based on an outfit you saw her in. You, my dear, have too much time on your hands.
... living his fantasy world with his stripper looking friend by his side everyday. Promoting her, grooming her, and eventually catching her in his proverbial cage....
Promoting her for what? Grooming her for what? How the heck is she 'caught in his cage'? I wonder if the fantasy world is actually where you're living?

Quote:

Originally Posted by dontknowwhattod

no... see I will be honest with you... I resent him! I gave up my job as a statewide administrator to run after a stripper, prostitute, a pitiful person who goes from relationship to relationship, paid or not, sometimes many in the same night looking for something to fill the massive holes in her lost soul. She was beautiful young girl. Smart. Sassy. Alluring. Has a singing voice to woe all. While I was out walking the railroad tracks in the dead cold of winter nights to watch for any signs of a very special child running out in the night. I spent years giving up my life to collect evidence that my grandchild would not be safe in that life. Without adequate hearing I went into dangerous places- risking my life in abandoned buildings with structural damage as if bombs had obliterated them. Hung out in drug zones where people are so damaged that there are no loyalties to their families or friends. Its all about one more "f--- or high".

As he was home living his fantasy world with his stripper looking friend by his side everyday. Promoting her, grooming her, and eventually catching her in his proverbial cage.

I resent him for going after 'that look' ----or the possible lifestyle----that I fought to keep my grandchild out of. He is against what I stood for.

My grandchild is safe today. He kept his precious job as I ran from one drug den to the next --in-state out-of-state... He would show up at court and look like the big family man but merely putting in his required 'public' time. As I did all the dirty work... risking my life, giving up my career... for just one precious child to not live, get lost and die in a drug den. Im no hero I am just a person who would lay down to bridge the gap so you could be safe, too... I had to save one family member from being abused in a world filled with the perverted
Sexualization of women, children---objectification of humans is what is/will destroy any morality left in any of us----and it will and has killed a lot of people since the beginning of time.

I am confused if your grandchild is the female you are referring to or if that person is/was the child's mother. Regardless, the grandchild was being put in bad situations so you gave up your job to get evidence to help her. And you resent your husband for keeping his job, keeping a roof over your head/house for you to return to, food in your mouth and probably paying for lawyers and legal costs. Didn't his job make it possible for you to help your grandchild?

Frankly, I think you need to get counseling. I am not saying you are crazy or anything along those lines. I do think you have a lot of anger and resentment clouding your thoughts and perceptions. You are judging a woman you don't know by the actions of your husband and her choice of clothing. You are cramming her into the same box as the person who hurt your grandchild. That is not fair to her. It isn't healthy for you and the people you care about including your grandchild.

You need to handle your anger before it completely destroys you.

I hadn't been following this thread closely the last few days and was surprised to see the last post by dontknowhattodo. There seems to be no end to where all this goes, deeper and deeper all the time.

Cat1864 summed it up very precisely in the last post:
"Frankly, I think you need to get counseling. I am not saying you are crazy or anything along those lines. I do think you have a lot of anger and resentment clouding your thoughts and perceptions. You are judging a woman you don't know by the actions of your husband and her choice of clothing. You are cramming her into the same box as the person who hurt your grandchild. That is not fair to her. It isn't healthy for you and the people you care about including your grandchild.
You need to handle your anger before it completely destroys you. "

Please follow that advice and get some direct professional help.

I'm very happy for you that all your hard work with your grandchild worked out. More than not, people do not go through hell like you did, to save her. Way above and beyond, and you deserve at least some acknowledgement for the sacrifices you made.

It speaks to what kind of person you are too, which is a good one.

I can see now a few parallels between the life of your grandson's past, and your husband's interest in people who resemble the woman you think your husband is interested in.

Are you afraid to lose him down a familiar path? One that you have lived through once before? Do you feel that he needs to be rescued from what lies ahead because of his association with this other woman?

During the years that you were working to save your grandchild- the way your husband just showed up to make it look like he was also a participant in what you were doing, and had done- was there a lot of resentment there? Did the marriage suffer more than it appears here? Does him having interest in that 'type' of woman (as you see her) threatening to you because you don't feel you can trust him?

Does he have any idea how you think and feel about all of this?

I think that maybe there is more wrong in the marriage, than there is right. My sense is that something has chipped away at the relationship, and he finds other situations (even just at work) to be easier and more self serving than being a better husband.

What do you think.

Yes, I have resentment for being out on the front lines... risking my life, sanity, and well being while he sat in his plush office with her... promoting her into his past positions and idolizing her as a female.  I think he did not tell me about her... because she does (in only some ways) everso respresent the world I had to fight in to save my grandchild.  if it is true that I am mad at her/him  --in look only-- like others say in their posts... so be it... HE knows where I have been.  He knows that I suffer from some type of trauma from being on the streets for so many years.  My grandchild who is a teen now is well adjusted, honor student, and a sense of humor that can send you into a fit.  So it has been worth it.  The problem did I loose myself in the process... from not seeing who he was or becoming.  Was he vicariously getting some kind of thrill living through me and my sordid world of prostitutes, druggies and stripper, etc...  I want the respect of my body.  I have a very womanly body... everything that a man would fantasize as being the sexiest.   I have been told by woman and men ever since 15 years old.. that I had a naturally beautiful body... so I too, no what sexualization of women is all about.  first hand.   I had to hide my body at many times to stop unwanted ogling in many situations.  As I have aged into my fifties I still get it from very young men to old... those looks, those comments, the special attention which I know comes from only my outer self.  They are not looking into me.  So when my own husband goes for someone who is portraying what I hide... it belittles me to know end.     <br>

This has gone from puzzling to sad. You need HELP.

Are you off your meds or something? Please be honest.

It's been a longer, sadder road than realized from your first post, which may explain some of the confusion.

Because there has been trauma, and danger, and roads travelled that most couldn't even imagine, it would be difficult for anyone, particularly your husband, but anybody else as well, to understand.

The experiences you have had, have left scars. I think what you are left with is a fractured, misunderstood, and confused existence. I'm not going to say you are wrong in how you feel about anything, but I do get the impression that most things in your life- now- are coloured by the experiences of your past. And those experiences have not left you a happier or more fulfilled person, but a person hurting, and alone. At least emotionally.

If you haven't considered counseling, I strongly urge you to. Speak to a professional about ALL that makes up your life because it is all threaded together, and it is puzzling to be able to see what needs to be better understood, and at the same time, what to do to put things in a healthier perspective. Without help, you are most likely looking for answers in a maze of confusing information, that sounds (from the outside looking in) confusing.

I wish you nothing but the best in finding a counselor that will help you sort things out.

Are you a Super Hero?

This went from some question as to whether your husband was cheating or not, up to you being in the sordid underworld of drugs and other crime. The way you write actually sounds like the way Rorschach from The Watchmen talks. I can't seem to make a sensible connection from the way this thread started to where it has gone to now.

Rorschach-This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout "Save us!"... and I'll whisper "no."

I think a large part of it boils down to missing being attractive and desirable, after the seamy underworld. But it's cloaked so deeply in the jealousy of the woman at work that you are lost and confused.

The woman at work is but a symptom of a greater problem and only her doctor can help.

This whole thread is full of badness. And I only hope that others don't have nightmares after reading this craziness. OP needs to be not only counselled, but locked away while doing so. I can only see something murderous happening unless this is done.

I have counseled many battered women in the last 30 years and what you have described is man who is battering by not sharing the closest person in his work relationship. First, I ask you why he does not give you a reason for hiding his close co-worker?

In fear, of eliciting more extreme myopic and very twisted made-for-tv theories from people who have not enough details that they fantasize them and make-up gorey crime- TV fatal assessments. If you re-read this thread closely you will see that I already answered that. To repeat... my husband says "he has no idea why he kept his closest worker a secret from me". He says, "he can't fathom why he would do that to me": keep such a secret for years. The only way I knew about her is (in 2011) I discovered phone calls that he deleted from his phone. That is the first time I heard her name from him or understood that something was not right WITH HIM and details of his work and work relationships became in question with me. He is going to counseling right now and is learning about boys that are sexually molested by relatives that in turn learn to hold secrets in their lives as adults which is a spillover from their very tormented childlife. And, I am going to counseling to find out if I want to stay with someone that lies, conceals, and highly sexualizes women, especially if they dress anyway bit provocative---he was shown hard core pornographic material of women all his child life --- so he does have a hard time seeing women as anything else but sex object no matter what they dress like... but when he see's women dressing in any way provocatively he says he goes back to his child-life and stands still in time. My hurt and anguish is... I do not want him to subject my grandchild to any of this (or maybe even, subject me to it anymore, also.)